Appointment with Relate.

I can relate totally to your situation Floriatosca (dm me if you like). I spent many years beating myself up for not having the courage to leave (and listening to others' opinions whether asked for or not on what I should do) but, like you, I didn't for many reasons. Although not ideal (are there really many ideal relationships?), I have forged many good friendships and am now at 71 happier than I've been for years. I regard my husband as a house mate (we actually get on ok in that way, share similar attitudes towards money, both are vegetarian, etc and we have a comfortable life). We do family occasions together but generally 'do our own thing' otherwise - he's very involved in an organisation he started and I like to go out with friends to the theatre, lunch, weekends away. This wouldn't work for everybody I know but at my age, many friends are on their own anyway through divorce or widowhood and although I still miss having the affection and more of a close partner, don't feel so alone as I used to.

Time to start again. You can do it.

Not always so easy just to leave though is it?Money plays a big part, for instance, if your house was to be sold and savings halved between you, would you still be able to buy, say, a one bedroom flat each?If not, you can't leave.
The alternative is to lead more or less separate lives in the same house, with own bedrooms.
I think you have been treated badly by your husband Floriatosca even if he can't help having a low libido, he could have at the very least given you hugs and kisses.

I've also picked up on the fact that you are waiting for your husband tp die so you can be free. I'm wondering if there is a cultural or religious aspect to this in that you fear the shame being divorced would bring.

You also said your husband sentenced you to a celibate life as a result of his diabetes. I think that is a very harsh statement. The poor man did not choose to be diabetic.

I'm sorry if i'm reading your post wrong but the entire theme is one where you portray yourself as the victim. Years ago Relate helped you reach the conclusion that the marriage was over (counsellors never actively tell you what to do) yet you did not act on this so I fail to see why you think this time it will be any different.
Change is possible at any age and yes it does involve huge upheavel but surely you don't to get another 20 years down the line and be even more filled with regret than you are now.

There are so many gems of good advice in these posts. Perhaps you need the counsellor to offer a little courage. The low libido is the key, diabetes takes away the erection that is all, as you say there are many other ways to ensure a woman has a climax, there is an Egyptian saying: A gentleman does not leave a ladies bed until she has had more pleasure than he. In my early 70's again I have a new man, after being widowed twice, but you have to learn to be me and not we, this is hard, your female friends are sometimes rocks in both senses if the word. Also reading up to date sexual advice books helps. When you are free, you will need to reach out to find another man, this may be via the Internet, there are as many fragile men out there as us women. It is not marriage and children we are seeking, but affection, caring and sharing, you will be possibly shy about the more intimate aspects, but with all that pent up affection you will be off to a good start. Have a wonderful time.

Hello, your post saddened me for 2 reasons. I feel so sorry for you, but you are never too late to start another relationship and it sounds like you have a lot of love to give. I hear myself say these words, yet I now realise this is also my status at present. In 2006 I met a man and life was fantastic. Holding hands, lovely caring sex and loads of laughs. I had a previous failed marriage, but 2 lovely daughters. Only 6 months after meeting, sex was something that was over very quickly. I tried to talk about it and he said he did not get aroused like he did when we first met. I tried to rekindle those feelings but to no avail. I also blamed myself, as I felt I was not enough. Nevertheless we had a loving relationship and shared lots in common. I kidded myself that one day we would just spontaneously have sex. But nothing. We married in 2012, the day before my 50th birthday. However, we did't make love on our wedding night or even cuddle. As time went by I get a ritual peck on the lips if he goes out or if he thinks about it, before we go to sleep. If I went to him for a cuddle, he jokes around. When I have been depressed for some reason, there is no comfort. He will listen to me, but that is as far as it goes. We now even sit on separate sofa's. I know that sounds weird, but often in the evenings we would just sit on the sofa leaning on each-other or with our legs entwined etc. I'm 55 and have a very young outlook. The times I have started a conversation to deal with the subject, well my efforts have now dried up. He has never mistreated me, but there are other ways to hurt somebody. I believe that he thinks that as I no longer talk about our relationship, I must be happy with it. I know I love him because otherwise I know I would just walk out. Love really is not enough. I am very confused and worn out.

You have also contributed to your present state of affairs by staying in the marriage. I ended up divorced with an eight year old and five year old. Financially it was extremely difficult , I had no family to fall back on as my parents died when I was in my early twenties. I managed to find work around school hours , not a job I'd want for ever but I needed the cash. Once my children were in secondary education I was able to get a better job to suit my needs. I was very lucky to have some wonderful friends that helped to support me in many ways. Both my children went on to further education , they both have good jobs and now their own families. I'm proud if them and a little bit proud of me too. Despite being financially poor I'm happy and not bitter. You have given yourself a life of bitterness and unhappiness because you were worried about the lack of money .

We all need affection. It doesn't have to be full sex but a life without the touch of someone you love and are in a relationship with is not a life.
I blame no one for finding intimacy outside of a marriage/relationship where one partner either can't provide or has no interest in what should be part of the union between two adults.

I understand! ( saying no more about me ). And I can relate to grannyannal too!
Think. It's the lack of affection I bet u really miss, as someone else said there are sex toys. Right, decide if u want to stay or go. If stay, make some plans. Deliberately open yourself to new directions, socially. Meet folk. Try once more to talk to your husband about the lack of affection. If it doesn't work out u know u ve done ur best. Could he have aspergers? Get yourself more independent, a personal bank account, a day a week you go out and do whatever u want. I walk with friends. It's not too late, I'm 68. But make decisions and plans now. If u stay, incorporate some activities just for u. Good luck.

I don't think the lack of sex here is the problem. It is the lack of affection and communication.
My husband became impotent due to Parkinson's but, he remained affectionate and living.
This sounds like a non- marriage and she needs to decide either to stay and put up with it, as she has for many years, or get out and make a new life.

I don't think you need to see Relate, I think you should see a solicitor! You have to take responsibility for your unhappiness because you chose to stay. Maybe you would feel less irritated with your husband if you looked at your part in this because, from your post, you sound as if you are looking at him as the protagonist. He is, in very many ways, as much a victim as you are. I am sure if you gave him a magic wand he'd go for a better libido and no diabetes. I understand how both of you feel. I have no libido and my husband doesn't really do affection without wanting more. It's a chicken and egg situation as I feel even less like having sex without lots of affection. However, I do reassure him daily that I still love him as much as ever and it isn't his fault, it is purely biological with the diabetes and medication I take.

Hello! You need to be brave, understand you will have to go through difficulties, but get out as soon as you can. It's definitely not too late. You can live fairly separate lives in the same home. If you have a spare room move into it. Start to save a little. Join different clubs and groups (walking groups are good), U3A, a dancing team; anywhere where you will meet new people. You don't really need Relate to tell you something you already know. Above all don't feel guilty for 'hurting' him. You need to put yourself first- you've given him the best part of your life - now it's time to give something to yourself. Find a like-minded female friend and start to live. Good luck dear lady. Be strong. Sending a hug. xxx

Probably going to get shot down for this but you both have to talk about this sometimes people don't know what they have till itsgone is this how your husband is going to feel i think you should go away for couple of weeks to give him a taste of what it's like without you you have had a life time together its worth fighting for one last chance

Floriatosca - this is a tragic situation but there is a way out for you provided you confront him and leave. I too have been in a sexless marriage for the past 10 years to a second husband whose mental health and need for control issues have left our marriage totally devoid of intimate contact. The first 10 years were OK but not great, but after an enormous bust-up and two attempts at Relate, the sex stopped completely. The more I thought about it the more I realised that it had always been me initiating it, and he was never committed to satisfying my needs. The sex stopped because I had a period of illness which lasted six months during which time I was physically not up to it. Once I recovered, he had totally lost interest. Over these last years I have pondered many times why I have never called it a day but I have always been able to find several reasons - benefits from being with him and always had answers ... a certain level of support for me with an elderly parent, a good relationship with my kids and grandchildren who adore him, and companionship at an intellectual level. So, these things stop me from running off to find a new lover - and I too am approaching 68. However, from what you say there are no such benefits in your relation, so why are you staying? If I had none myself I would be out there, looking for sex!!

I may have missed something here as some posts I have only skim read, but you say you have three children. Have they been aware of the unhappiness you have been carrying around with you for so much of your married life? Are they still in your life to offer support?

Whilst I agree with the various suggestions that Floriatosca (do you belong to an Opera Society like I used to, with a name like that?) should leave her husband, there is the practical difficulty of finances. At 68 she may only have her State Pension and hubby probably wouldn't feel like financing her until it had all been to court, which again is a costly business. Would she be able to find a job at her age to support herself? It seems to me that she is stuck there, and perhaps should see the Anniversary Card as a Peace Offering and try to meet him half way. Hopefully she has outside interests, so that her life isn't entirely centred round no sex.

But of course if she has money and can afford to rent somewhere and keep herself then she should high tail it out as soon as poss!

Hoping he will die (which is a not uncommon way to think when you want to get out of a bad situation without the physical and financial upheavel of a divorce) is a very strong sign that for your own mental well being you need to make a complete break. You need to take stock of your financial situation, consult with citizens' advice or whatever, and find a way to leave him, if not you are likely to have a mental breakdown. I know what it is like to not receive any affection, and even if you leave him and never make another relationship, at least you will not feel as though you are in a prison that has shut the door on other possibilities. Once you have made the break, think about getting a dog or cat - endless affection, especially from the former.

This could have been me too. DH is very much older than me and our sex life ended years ago which made me very resentful and sorry for myself. My first husband died after we had been married for two years and i felt I had missed out on a happy sex life. Marrying again was a mistake. We are good friends but there has never been the passion. I stayed as I didn't want to ruin my children's lives and lose the friendship of my dear stepchildren. Now there are other problems too but they need a post of their own! Leave while you can, before you end up having to care for him and then you really will be trapped!

New to posting ....

maybe money is your worry... you don't see how you could live financially on your own...

then begin to plan a life whilst living in the same house...

the time is obviously ripe for a bit of plain talking...
be brave and actually get the speech prepared in your head / or write it in your notes to help clarify what you want to say..
and to blurt out when appropriate.. when you have prepared...

an extra bank account could be helpful... a savings account or just spending...
doesn't have to be much but if you have on line banking it should be relatively straightforward to regularly transfer some spare money into another account.... your own account .

join various groups... lots of groups... get out there... find more friends... exercise ... walk ... swim... all helpful for depression and apathy...
jolt yourself into something quite new ...
challenge your social self... volunteer ...

I personally have found writing out my thoughts and plans and hopes for the future .. very fruitful as they can be adjusted as time rolls on....with a computer it is easier than writing a diary...

But do something.... just one thing... be brave and actually do it...
then you can do another.... and make your future your own...

I am also a 68 female, now happily single after a 20 odd year marriage ended. The only person who can stop you having a happy and unfulfilled life, is yourself. Strike out on your own dear, you've more than paid your dues in this relationship.

Realistically you can't blame him anymore - 14 years ago you got good advice but did not act on it so in my opinion you now only have yourself to blame. It's the easy option to stay, we are all responsible for our own happiness.

By the way I speak as someone who has been in a similar situation and I got out

I could have written most of that too as I am in a similar situation. Except my husband is severely disabled with a progressive disease and I feel totally trapped, he cannot do anything for himself at all and relies on me. I would have gone long ago had he not been disabled. He can be very nasty, twists things I say and continually repeats things back at me for months and months, and also blames all his woes on me. I can't see an end to it and wish myself dead most of the time, although sometimes him! Wish I could leave but he'd have to go in a nursing home and I can't do that.

Whew! Without having read the other posts, my first reaction is why not leave him now instead of waiting for him to die? You may/may not find another relationship, but you won't have to be irritated so much. If you're hoping the man will die, it really isn't fair to either of you if you stay.

Idk why you didn't leave when you were advised to 20 years ago. What's holding you back?

It must have been very hard for him to have found himself impotent all those years ago. Back then, I think you should have been more sympathetic. Maybe your apparent lack of concern for his feelings is why he didn't show much concern for yours after your surgeries (sorry about those, hope they were successful), etc.

Maybe that card was his attempt to start over, but I don't blame you for not accepting it after all these years without affection and intimacy. It may be too late to start over.

Very wise to go back to Relate. Hope your appt goes well. And hope they, eventually, give you advice you're willing to take.

Oh, sorry, I meant "14 years ago," not "20."

Now Iv read the other posts and see that many have asked why you haven't left him. Finances? Kids? Your damaged self-esteem? Knowing the answer may help you see what you need to do next.

Oldwoman made some very good points, imo. But again, it may be too late for anything, as you say you don't love the man.

Let us know how your Relate appt goes.