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Appointment with Relate.

(84 Posts)
Floriatosca Sun 03-Sept-17 23:50:56

I have posted before on another post. I just added my thoughts when OP was asking for advice in a sexless marriage, but this is mine.

To be brief.. 25 years ago my husband became impotent (through diabetes probably although he had always previously had a low sex drive and little libido). He unilaterally sentenced me to a celibate life without even discussing it with me or seeking other ways to satisfy me other than by intercourse. I tried (how I tried) to maintain some form of affection and intimacy but was always, always rejected. This left my self esteem in tatters and damaged beyond repair.

Ironically I am/was a very passionate and tactile person and missed the sex and intimacy dreadfully. I have tolerated this for twenty five years.

Today is our 49th anniversary, My husband tried to give me a card this morning but I gave it back to him unopened saying as we did not have a marriage, I hadn't received one word of love or endearment from him in many many years I felt disrespected by having to read written gushing words of love and affection on paper when I never heard them from him. He has never cuddled me or put his arm around me in 25 yrs, not even when I have been sad, distressed or recovering from three quite difficult surgical operations. I suppose I just accepted it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment on my own with Relate. (We went together 14 yrs ago and at the end the Counsellor advised that I leave and make a new life for myself as I was a kind caring person with much to offer in a new relationship). I now come to terms with the fact that at my age soon to be 68, I will never ever have a happy satisfying relationship with a man. It is a shame I know I have a lot to offer. I am left perpetually angry with my husband for the way he has unkindly and uncaringly treated me for such a long time. I have absolutely zero tolerance of everything he does. All his actions irritate me dreadfully, I really don't like or love him any more. Recently I have feelings of hoping he dies before me so that I might have some years by myself without constantly feeling so very angry and irritated. I cannot be a nice person to live with but he made me like this.

I paid for my appointment on my credit card and as we have online banking he will see the payment soon. I have kept my appointment secret as I don't want to discuss my feelings with him. I worry what I will say by explanation when he finds out.

There is no recovering from this awful situation I am just going to see if the Counsellor can help me to find a happier place in my head as I am so very unhappy and feel unfulfilled. I know sex isn't everything when both partners agree the terms but I was cut off without any support, care or love and feel so very sad about my lonely years ahead.

I did not leave for financial reasons and having three children to care for.

Starlady Mon 04-Sept-17 13:17:27

Hooty, you sound like a very kind, caring person. But maybe it's time to be kind to yourself. Leave your husband and let him go into a nursing home. As long as he's being cared for, why would it matter that it's not by you? As I said to Floria, if death (his or yours) seems like the only solution to you, that can't be good for either of you.

Has either of you had any kind of counseling? Would he go? Would you? Maybe you want to do that first. But please don't just accept the situation as it is. (((Hugs)))

Floriatosca Mon 04-Sept-17 13:17:40

Thank you all for your kind words of support and kind encouraging "home truths" - all gratefully received. Of course there is a lot behind my situation. 14 years ago we had just taken over a huge business, which despite heroic hard work and efforts the bank chose to foreclose on as the recession hit. (The bankers involved are now in prison but it is little consolation now). We were left penniless. Our mortgage subsequently is interest only so very little equity when we sell.

I got used to the situation. My husband became tearfully and stressed when I approached him in an effort to resolve matters so that did not work.

I only have my state pension which is used for housekeeping and a very small work pension. We do have funds from my husband's pension and this enables us to live moderately comfortably, have a second hand car and very occasional weekend breaks.

Long ago I decided to make a life for myself and am extremely active in taking classes, just signed up for two evening classes. I regularly go to the cinema, theatre, exhibitions on my own (when funds allow). I have good friends and we meet up regularly. I am most certainly not wasting away on my own.

I would just dearly love a like minded spouse. One with whom I could share some interests. My husband has not a single hobby or interest in the world and to me he leads a very solitary life, but each to their own. I have tried hundreds of times to find things/hobbies/volunteering for him to do - to totally no avail.

If the people who know me read my post I think they would not believe me. Outwardly I am a great motivator and encourager of people. I manically fill every day of my life being busy with lots of interests.

The family dynamics were such that I could not/cannot now afford to live alone. I no longer love my husband but admit he has always been kind to me in other ways. He has been a ferociously hard worker all his life. He recently had a life changing illness, getting better now but cannot wipe out fifty years of life together.

I just want to be able to handle the anger and resentment I feel. Keeping busy and involved helps but inside I am sad, and hope Relate may help me.

KirbyGirl Mon 04-Sept-17 13:27:13

I am wondering how Floriatosca is responding to these posts!

Why is it that men can only think of sex in the terms of genital penetration? Perhaps we don't tell them that hugs and kisses are sometimes enough? I think that many men who become impotent through disease or diabetes are ashamed and think they are no longer 'men' and dare not touch their partner for fear they may be expected to do something they are no longer able to.

It is probably too late to change this man but there are others jout there! It is not too late to find someone really lovely!

KirbyGirl Mon 04-Sept-17 13:27:47

Sorry about all the exclamation marks...

Saggi Mon 04-Sept-17 13:47:31

Dear dear Floriatosca..... I thought I was alone in this situation ... my 'husband' made the same unilateral decision for us 22 years ago. No anything since . Doesn't touch me..kiss me... cuddle me... not even a kiss on our daughters wedding day. No concern for my two strokes... no concern for my 3 prolapsed discs... no concern when I had pneumonia. I just give .. give and give again. I now loathe him! There is no love left He's an a totally miserable man. We have not walked up our road together since 2002!!! We don't go out for lunch we don't socialise . Friends don't ask me to bar-b-cues or parties or outings as they know he won't go and I'll be odd one out. It's an intolerable situation . He made sure I never had/ kept my own money and in consequence I can't leave.. I worked mostly full time for 43 years of our marriage and put every penny into the joint account which he controlled. I even had to ask permission to buy clothes for myself. He made decision as to wether I NEEDED them or not.Like you I'm hoping against hope that he goes first and leaves me a few years on my own. Nobody who has not lived these men can imagine how your esteem plummets until you think ther is actually something WRONG with you. Unlike you though Floriatosca I'm not looking for anybody else. I've kicked men into touch . I was brought up to be 'once bitten..twice shy' and I've learned my lesson. Like you though every time I see him he annoys me... he makes me irritable. He also buys me sloppy cards to make folk think he's a good husband. 45 years of my life given up to this and no end in sight. Sod relate! Just go if you can!

radicalnan Mon 04-Sept-17 15:11:57

I think perhaps your husband feels that he has failed you, his health and the business,and the loss of all those things entailed. If he is kind and a ferociously hard worker then he has probably tried to make amends in his own way.

It must have been bitter for him to suffer those immense life blows, maybe he felt he wasn't worthy, maybe he was exhausted, he seems to have been open to you having lot of other life experiences.

I can see how disappointed you have been but he has been dealt a bad hand in life, I wonder how he would behave if the feelings were reversed?

I feel sadness for you both and wish you well.

bruff Mon 04-Sept-17 16:25:04

It would appear all the advice is from ladies, from a blokes
Prospective, and someone who has been in a similar situation due to the DW illness for the past 20 years plus. Over recent years I have thought of leaving, but what would our grown up CH think of me. Leaving to start afresh isn't that easy. Friends with benefits comes to mind, but I think
That's what younger people tend to do, or just walk away.
Don't know!! Best wishes to you

Gardenman99 Mon 04-Sept-17 16:39:39

Sad to say the least. You say you stayed married for the financial reasons and your children sake dear oh dear what a toxic environment your poor children have been brought up in. It sounds like everyone else is in the wrong except you. I wonder what attracted you to him in the first place. There is absolutely no excuse for you to go without sex. A friend of ours husband told her he was no longer interested sex she told him that in that case she would find a part-time lover. It took her just 2 days she told a man she was cleaning for about her problems and they were having sex twice a week for 5 years, when he died he left her over £500,000. She now has a much larger house her husband lives in an annex in the grounds. She is 75 and is as happy as Larry. Instead of being bitter and twisted I would suggest you "Seek and you will find". I must admit that I do feel sorry for your husband. When I married my wife we made the vows IN Sickness and in Health. My wife is the only girlfriend I have ever had together 48 years married 46 I thank god for her every second of the day.

devongirl Mon 04-Sept-17 16:44:53

That is so lovely, good luck to you for a long future.

Tessa101 Mon 04-Sept-17 16:45:18

Saggy,felt sad when I read your post. Surely there must be some way you can reap back some of the money you earned. Is there no family you could turn to. I've just ended a 14 year loveless relationship,no intimacy or hugs no support whatsoever in fact I was the one that was the rock in the relationship. I had enough when I caught him cheating. I'm on my own and loving every minute of it. Please try to look at ways to grab a better life for yourself and get some support. Keep us posted. Best wishes.

Soos Mon 04-Sept-17 16:49:57

If you set yourself a goal , say a date a year or six months ahead , and start planning and saving, imagine how that will lift your spirits and give you a goal to aim for , so that as that time approaches you can hold your head up and walk away into a new life that you have set up for yourself
You are in charge of your own destiny , nobody can make you stay
So plan it, aim for it, and do it!
Good luck , lesser women than you have done it you owe it to yourself

HootyMcOwlface Mon 04-Sept-17 18:13:00

Starlady I have never told anyone how I feel. I have 'my face' I put on for on for others. I was near the end of my tether last week, one morning he decided it was my fault he could no longer stand up and that he could last year (he hasn't been able to stand for at least 6 years) and was really horrible to me. After a few days I gave him the phone and said, here phone your mother and arrange to go and live with her, you obviously hate being here with me. (There's no way he could go there really, she's over 90, her house is pretty inaccessible for a wheelchair and she lives in ireland!). He's been a bit better since!

Diddy1 Mon 04-Sept-17 18:33:41

I hope you get some advice from your counsellor, it isnt as easy as many people here have said, to leave.There are lots of issues to face before doing so, you need the courage to take the final step, and only you can make the decision, I wish you luck with your new life when it happens.

Coconut Mon 04-Sept-17 21:56:01

It's never to late to make a fresh start. You are not getting what you want from this marriage and he clearly is not unduly concerned about your feelings. Go, and find happiness while you can, we only live once.

farmgran Mon 04-Sept-17 21:58:16

Hooty I think you should put him in a home and get some happyiness from life. I've been thinking bout leaving my situation and living in a house bus. I could park it in a comune! Always wanted to be a hippy.

Sugarpufffairy Mon 04-Sept-17 22:39:09

It is so demoralising to have a partner who is impotent. Especially one who thinks all is well. There are so many things that could be done to keep a lady happy but they dont seem able to think of that. If they cant no-one else is going to have any pleasure.
It is not always about the actual sex, the closeness and affection goes a long way. I left, not just because of the impotence but it was part of the reason It was hard. I had to live in an area I would not have chosen. I had several jobs and a child still at home. It may not have been easy but rather this way than to have spent another 20 years in those circumstances.
I just love that saying. "A gentleman does not leave a lady's bed until she has had more pleasure than he". Maybe sons should be told that before they are allowed out after dark!

Starlady Tue 05-Sept-17 01:01:45

"I would just dearly love a like minded spouse. One with whom I could share some interests."

But you don't - and you won't have a chance of anything close to that unless you either leave him or have an affair.

Barring those 2 options, imo, you are wise to pursue your interests on your own. You've made friends this way who share those interests surely? Maybe you'll have to be satisfied with that?

That inner sadness worries me though. So again, I'm glad you're going to Relate. Hopefully, they can help you learn to manage your feelings and find some joy in the life you have. Best wishes!

Starlady Tue 05-Sept-17 01:12:13

Saggi, imo, you also need to seek help from Relate or something like that. You shouldn't have to live with low self-esteem the rest of your life. It sounds as if you're married to a very controlling man, and you need to learn how to heal the damage he has done to you inside.

If I were you, I would also speak to a solicitor and see if there is any way to gain back some control over the money you have earned over the years. Once you do that, maybe you can leave, if that's what you decide you want to do.

Bruff, I feel for you, as well. But here's a thought - What if your ch know your marriage isn't what it once was and think you both would be happier apart? What if they think less of you for staying in a sham marriage? Maybe not. But my point is, you don't know what they think now or would think if you left. Imo, one can't make decisions based on what grown ch MIGHT think. One has to do what's best for oneself and one's spouse (and being in a loveless marriage may not be "best" for dw anymore than it is for you). Think about it.

Hooty, I'm glad you spoke up and he's acted better since then. Maybe you need to do that more often. But I wouldn't rule out leaving.

maddy629 Tue 05-Sept-17 07:39:25

Why did you stay with a man who no longer loved you? Any advice given here would be ignored and anyway you know what you need to do, leave him. Easier said than done? Maybe but if you want the chance to be happy again this is what you need to do.

illtellhim Tue 05-Sept-17 08:06:14

Sorry, but this ones above me, I just wish the poster good luck and hope that she eventually finds happiness, can't fault her choice of music though. flowers

Anya Tue 05-Sept-17 08:14:05

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

Christinefrance Tue 05-Sept-17 08:29:32

Don't think its the impotence which is the problem specifically. It seems with most of the posters its the lack of affection and closeness. Sex does not have to be penetrative as others have said, there are so many ways to achieve satisfaction. There is an issue with men over impotence and perceived lack of ' manliness' when really cuddles, kisses and a bit of inventiveness is all that is needed. It's a shame this idea still persists.

Carolebarrel Tue 05-Sept-17 08:34:52

You are just two different mismatched people who, by the sound of it, should never have got together in the first place. I feel sorry for you, but much more sorry for your husband and children. It is everyone's right to have some happiness and I hope you all get through this.

Riverwalk Tue 05-Sept-17 08:53:49

Floria your second post casts your husband, and your life, in a better light.

As others have said, I really don't know what another brief visit to Relate will achieve - perhaps many years ago you should have undergone extensive psychotherapy to help you deal with the situation, as you were not prepared to leave the marriage.

And why let him find out that you're going to Relate by way of him seeing the credit card statement - sounds unnecessarily cruel.

If you've been on GN for some time you will see that there are very many members who are living with miserable, friendless, unaffectionate, anti-social, hobby-less, non-soulmates.

Just like you, for whatever reason, they decided to put up with it and let the decades pass - such a waste of two lives IMO. As for wishing him dead to solve your problem .... hmm

Imperfect27 Tue 05-Sept-17 09:16:03

I used to think Relate was all about 'saving' marriages, but I learned that it can also help marriages to 'end well.'

Best wishes to you and I hope you are helped to find the solutions you need.