Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

Sorry thanks madgran for flowers.

Dh got. Me some lovely roses and freesias yesterday and today he is waiting on me despite being poorly himself.

Sadly I think pushing myself has not improved cough still hacking away overnight and painful.
One improvement I slept without Valium first time since my oldest friend ditched me.

Rosie I think you correct your healthscare made you evaluate things differently too?
I resolved we will try make. MOut of every day and not waste any time wondering what we did or didn't do it is tragic losss but it is what it is.
I don't have my previous full mobility yet seeing my surgeon on Friday.
However I am certainly in better place and off morphine for ages now.but still on some pain relief .

No celebrant sadly I no longer send any cards, for the reason we sent cheque in DIL birthday card a few years back registered delivery and they returned to sender. ? So do not bother now.

Aagh sorry to hear that granngrace ?That is so hurtful.
We have never received anything back but when ed was ill I sent her a cheque for a little treat she never cashed it.

So I still send cards but no gifts now, we used send gifts and cards to little ones despite only knowing oldest, but this year we finally stopped it was too upsetting never getting acknowledgement.

Heartbreaking celeb, but trying to rebuild your lives is a positive thing. As you said before you had your beloved son, and you never know he could make you a Grandma one day. ?

Here's hoping granngrace ???

Yogagirl you keep saying your granddaughter has none of her blood family to love her and look after her but you have to remember she has her mother and her brother. She isn't alone.

I don't post often but I have read through the thread. I know Celebgran and she is always honest about her situation.
My heart goes out to you all, I know the pain of estrangement. I want to say just to be careful that you don't waste anymore tears or your life living in a false fantasy that things will change. Its far healthier and much more realistic for us to rebuild our lives without those family members who have cut us off. Even if they come back, unless they've changed, what we're likely to find is just a repeat of how we've already been treated when we object to the behaviour. Then it's only a matter of when we're cut off again. I think the main problem is that our adult children have no idea how to work at or maintain a relationship with us and sadly it seems to be a developing trend that they don't want to. Immediate gratification in their own lives means that we often come last on their list of priorities. We are clutter and a chore sadly. That's not me being unkind, it's what I've come to realise is just unfortunately a fact. I've been doing the research for years and this is what's emerged. So please don't put your lives on hold. There is life after estrangement. It might not be life as we thought or hoped but there is definitely a way forward. I agree, that it's a selfish, cruel act to cut off a parent or grandparent but in Western society where life is all about the individual, it's remarkable how dispensable we have become. It won't last. It can't. But we can't tell them because they won't listen. So go on with your lives and do something with them Don't waste another tear on ungrateful adult childen who can't see your worth. Someone else will. xxxx

I totally agree nina, there is life after estrangement if we are prepared to embrace it and make the most of what we do have.

Mr. S. and I are so lucky to have each other and I know that some estranged parents for what ever reason don't have a partner to share their pain.

Some have relationships with GC from other AC and some like us, have lost the only GC we had.

Our dream of being GP's has been shattered but we can and do have other dreams to be fulfilled.

We are all on a journey, not one that we'd have wanted but one we have no choice but to make. Our AC have taken away so much, we owe it to ourselves and those in our lives who do value us to live our lives to the full.

When our ES walked out of our lives more than 5 years ago I didn't think I could have a life without him; I was wrong. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again; I was wrong. I didn't think I'd ever find peace; I was wrong.

It was only when I accepted that he was gone and that he was not coming back that I began to heal and began to feel and experience all those things that I thought I'd lost forever.

Letting go was the hardest thing I have ever done but doing so quite literally saved my sanity and gave me back my life.

for us all.

Smiless, it is a grieving process I know. I am mindful of those of us here who think they have no one and find the estrangement even harder. It is indeed much harder for them any any family members who think it's OK to leave a lone family alone will one day have to meet their own conscience. Until such time, life is waiting and the good news is that doors are open for all. Boy have I learned the hard way. Don't wait till it's too late. Get out there and live. You deserve to end your days with others who make you feel part of something xx

Nina, I agree with everything you’ve said. There are reasons why AC cut off their parents, it could be mental health issues as I’ve said previously, or could be a controlling partner, or it could be todays world, with it’s immediate gratification and emphasis on empowering yourself; and being assertive and making ‘boundaries’ that other people, including grandparents, have to ‘respect’ and which other people including grandparents must at all times obey. Our society constantly tells people that they are ‘worth it’ (remember the advert) and they have ‘rights’ but it doesn’t tell them they also have responsibilities. And so it is that AC think it’s perfectly acceptable to cut off their parents, and therefore the grandparents of their children. It is acceptable because they have the ‘right’, the children are theirs; and it is a perfectly acceptable punishment because the parents, in some way annoyed them or didn’t follow the rules. Not a thought goes into what they are depriving their children of, or the message that they are giving to their children, which is that family are disposable and unimportant, rather than a positive lesson in life, that family members are loved and valued. In many societies the older members are respected, cared for, appreciated and valued. Not here, we only need to watch a discussion programme on TV or pick up a newspaper, and we will find older people being told they live too long, bed block, cost too much, and that older people had it all and selfishly took it all when they were young.

Smileless I always admire that you have no bitterness about your situation,or if you have you hide it well. The life we have is only coming round once,so living it in the now is most important.We none of us know what tomorrow may bring,that is what I meant about enjoying the reminder of our lives.Que sera sera.

Celebgran I haven't lied and have no reason to, but I do remember.

Thanks Rosie & Madgran for nice posts

Flump Yes my granddaughter has her mum, but her mum isn't protecting her is she, as we read in the papers and see on the news all the time, the mum is there, but the stepdad isn't stopped by her. She has a half brother, he was only 18mnths when we were cut out, so too young to help.

Good posts as always Smileless & Nina xx
Excellent post Maddy xx

Yogagirl if you are saying the step father is abusing your granddaughter and your daughter is allowing this and neglecting your granddaughter you should go to social services. I know it would be hard to do this to your own child but sometimes we have to do hard things.

maddyone all those things are possible reasons but the one you have missed is that the AC and GC might need to be protected from abusive or controlling GPs. It isn't always the AC that is in the wrong.

Flump no I don't think my GD's stepdad is abusing her in the way I think you mean [my head won't take me there] but my ND fears this. I think more about the physiological abuse. One of the reason's we were cut out is that he [s.i.l] perceived that my GD was getting more love and attention from us than his Son, so by cutting us out and making my GD just the stepchild, his Son would naturally get more love and attention being the natural GS, nephew etc.
I loved my GS with all of my heart and soul, so his dad has deprived his Son of all that love from us all. The difference between his m&d and me is that both children were my grandchild, but with them it was just the GS.

When my GS was first born, s.i.l's mother was going around 'singing' ooh, our first GC, our first GC in front of my GD, she then looked at me [s.i.l's mother] and said oh, you know what I mean D and I did know what she meant and help no grudge.

held

Another great post nina and maddyone

Thank you grannygrace. I did course in the beginning feel bitter and extremelybut my over whelming emotion has always been one of sadness for what we have lost, what our GC are being deprived of and what our ES has thrown away.

According to our DS, his brother remains very angry and bitter which is ironic as he cut us out of his life so got what he wanted.

Yogagirl's GC are being abused flump as are ours and all GC who are denied a loving family because of the spite of their parents. They are being used as weapons; there are many ways of abusing and this is one of them.

Yogagirl you're right, your ED isn't protecting her children from their controlling step father, or herself. Our ES isn't protecting his children or himself either.

With your knowledge of your s.i.l.'s history how could you possibly not worry about their welfare.

It goes without saying that it's a different matter entirely if AC were abused and need to protect themselves and their children flump, but that's not what we're talking about here is it. This thread, and all the ones that came before it, and how ever many may follow, is to support parents and GP's who loved and cared for their children and would do the same for their GC, but have been discarded.

The children of these AC are at the mercy of their abusive and controlling parents. It doesn't get much more controlling than refusing a child to know an entire side of their family does it.

Depends on the family. I don't think knowing my MIL was at all positive for my children. They were loved and cared for enough to be able to cope with her nonsense so I don't think it did any real harm but positive? No I don't think so.

Yogagirl abuse is abuse. If you think this little girl is being psychologically abused and neglected I think you should report it. It would be a serious thing to do and obviously if you do your daughter would be angry with you but the child comes first.

So although you don't believe that your children knowing their GM and her "nonsense" was a positive experience flump you didn't prevent them from having a relationship with her.

Your love and care for your children not only gave them the coping mechanisms that they needed, it prevented you from cutting her out of their lives until they were old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they wanted her "nonsense" in theirs.

I believe that our GC arebeing emotionally abused, as are Yogagirl's and all GC denied their GP's. The eldest at 6 is asking questions that are being pushed to one side. I don't doubt that our ES and his wife claim they've done the right thing by cutting us out so why try and sweep it under the carpet?

He's only 6 but old enough to understand if his father were to say 'I no longer see my parents because I don't want too so you don't see them either'.

More detailed excuses explanations can be given when he's older but in the mean time that little boy has no explanation as to why he doesn't see two of his GP's and is clearly confused that he doesn't.

Do you really believe that any estranged GP would be taken seriously if they contacted SS and said their GC were being emotionally abused because they weren't allowed to see them?

Very good posts smileless, I’ve got a few more thoughts on this but I’m on my way to London in the car to see a musical that our DS+DDiL bought us tickets for at Christmas. I’ll get back to you all later.

I’m not doing the driving today by the way but it’s tricky using the iPhone in the car.

"Do you really believe that any estranged GP would be taken seriously if they contacted SS and said their GC were being emotionally abused because they weren't allowed to see them?"

No, probably not. It's not a widespread concept. Maybe it will be someday, but not now.

As for other kinds of psychological abuse, unfortunately, that's very hard to prove. Yoga could report it, but I doubt she would get very far with it, so what would be the point? The fact that they are estranged for so many years would work against her, too, I'm afraid. I imagine the authorities would question how she could know since she, sadly, doesn't get to see them.

Smileless, if your ogs is asking about you, his parents will have to come up with some kind of answer eventually. If he's not satisfied with it, he may seek you out someday. Maybe not, and it's still a long time off, I know. But it looks to me like there's a good chance. Am I being too optimistic?

MaddyoneYou are spot on. The arrogance of our EC lead them to believe they are entitled to do what they want. Think of how powerful they all must feel telling themselves that we are toxic. Instead of having a conversation and talking out our diffferences they choose the cowards way out. They they have no conflict nor opposition to their feelings. They avoid all confrontations. They don’t have to listen to our feelings which might stir up feelings of inadequacy in them. It’s all a ruse to protect their egos.
My son didn’t talk to us for a year and a half. Then he emails a letter saying we did nothing wrong that it was all about him and took full responsibility. He was back in my life for six months when he told my daughter she was a s** mother as well as other words , in front of her children. My mother, husband and myself told him he couldn’t do that as the children loved him and their mother and calling her names was horrible for them to hear.
He decide we were all dysfunctional except him and said he needed a vacation from us again. So here were are almost another six months without a word. Now my ESS doesn’t say a word. We do t know why exactly there is an estrangement. We can only sumise that he was mad because we couldn’t regularly babysit anymore.
And here’s my question.. When did it become the norm for grandparents to give up their retirement to take care of their grandchildren? My grandparents were revered by us even my great grand mothers I knew. We respected them even when we didn’t agree. We may have found them to be old fashioned but we loved them. Our parents constantly made sure we called them and saw them. My dad disagreed with his dad all the time yet called him every night . I remember my grandmother and her mother getting into an argument yet she never disowned her. When did it all go wrong?

SmilelessYou said your son said his brother is still angry . Did he say what he’s angry about?