Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

Congratulations Maddy. I’m glad you liked my suggestion. I don’t understand why your daughter would send you a text but then not want any contact. She must still want to have some connection. Are you going to reply with a note?
Yes YogagirlI totally agree with you about being involved in the GC lives and then having them ripped away. My ESS has two boys. The oldest we took care of for three years and the little one we only saw three times in his first year. I had a very hard time yesterday and wound up crying in a restaurant with my DH. I again brought up the subject of the estrangement and asked if he wanted to send a letter telling his son he would go to family counseling or if he wanted to fill out court papers asking for visitation. He never talks about any of this and if I were a grandchild I would want to know that my grandparents fought for me. He says it’s killing him inside but of course how would I know. He gives up much easier than I do. I have to know in my heart that I tried everything. All I kept thinking is that this estrangement can ruin everyone’s lives. They estranged my daughter for no reason andcaused is to have conflict.

Thank you Yogagirl, no there no GC from daughter although I do have another daughter with GC who I'm estranged from, no chance of a reconciliation there as the bridge is beyond repair.

Maddy, I'm glad our support is helping. Also glad you're going to follow Rhinestone's suggestion. IMO, it's a wonderful idea. Some gps here also keep birthday cards, etc. in such a "memory box" if they don't think their gc will receive them.

Tbh, I'm not "going through this it too," as lucky for me, I'm not estranged. But as I've seen others say here, "There but for the grace of God, etc." Also, I have a few friends who are estranged from their ac and I feel for them very much.

I'm not surprised that your d has co her brothers as well as you and dh. Isn't this largely about her jealousy of them and her belief that you and dh favor them and their kids? I know it's not true, but if that's what she thinks, that's probably why she's doing this.

But it's very early days, as you say. Maybe she'll miss you people after a while and reach out to you again.

Oh but wait, I see she did reach out after baby was born! Maybe she has already had a change of heart. She seems very confused to me. Imo, your best bet is to play it very low key and wait and see what happens.

I know that must feel like waiting on tinterhooks. I'm sorry about that.

Meanwhile, congratulations on your new gb!

Kitty, what an inspiring post about your dd reaching out to you again! I'm going to share your story with my estranged friends if you don't mind. It will give them some hope.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this though. And with 2 daughters! Is there any connection between the 2 situations? Anything you need to avoid so that the one who is reaching out won't pull back again?

Sorry you've been co from your gc, too. Since that relationship is "beyond repair,' I suppose it's par for the course. But I know it still must hurt. xx

Yoga, your post about your gc brought tears to my eyes!

Kitty How awful that you are estranged from your other D&GC too! I'm also estranged from my Son, I don't mention it much, as I know folk would then say there you are then, it must be her But my Son, which again we had a very close and loving bond before all this, fell for nasty s.i.l's arm around his shoulders saying were brothers, you and I, we need to stick together Even some fairly close friends, that know all about my D, don't realise it's my Son too that I'm estranged from. But all due to the same person; nasty s.i.l. With you Kitty & Maddy do you think it's your s.i.l influencing your D to estrange?

Starlady, the only connection is that both daughters really hate each other!! Jealousy springs to mind as there's a good 20 years age difference between them. I have tried reaching out to older daughter and GC but there's only so much rejection one can take! I would never close the door completely like all of us we live in hope!

Yogagirl both daughters estranged themselves from all the family not just me.

That's just so sad, Kitty. (((Hugs)))

Hello ladies, another dollar, another day, another day of estrangement. Well, a nice day with our sons, DiL, and little grandson. Of course the topic of our daughter/sister and her family we're discussed quite a bit. My oldest son is angry with her because of the effect on us, her parents. Our younger son says he has learned to live with it. She has always tried to divide and rule, so ever since the twins were born, if she was a little friendly with one brother, the other would be estranged. She has blown hot and cold with us, but this last year we have been rejected pretty much all the time, except for occasional childcare. She has also been particularly abusive towards me, and downright cruel to her father.
But thank you to you all for congratulations, I just wish I could give you a nice report about how beautiful the baby is etc etc. Sadly I can't.

Rhinestone, I understand why you're confused, to be honest I didn't know how/when/in what way we would find out baby was born, so I was surprised to receive an apparently friendly text telling me baby was here, but it was a round robin text sent to everyone. I have no idea why she sent it to me, I didn't expect it. Who knows her motivation, is it more cruel to not tell us at all and let us find our from elsewhere, or to tell us in the full knowledge that she is never even going to show us a picture of him. She does communicate with her oldest brother sometimes, so he asked for pictures and she did send them. I couldn't write here what he thinks/says about her, but he loves the children, we all do. She cut him off for two years once, but then made contact again.
Anyway, I sent a congratulatory text, which of course, was ignored.

Yogagirl, your post really shows your pain I wish it could be more than virtual help and support.
You ask if SiL could be influencing my daughter, well I am one hundred per cent sure if it, and it's strange but several friends and family members have told me that when they met him, there was something about him that made them not take to him. When I first met him, he seemed ideal for our daughter, but gradually it dawned on me that all was not as it seemed. Whilst he consciously tried to charm and impress us (and I fell for it) I became aware that he could say, and mean, some very disturbing things, the first shocking thing was that his parents would only be any good to him when they were dead, so he could have their money!! To say I was shocked is an understatement, so yes, he has a lot to do with it.

Kitty, so sorry to hear of your estrangements, it must have been a long and difficult time. I hope you are able to stay in touch with the daughter who contacted you. Please come back on here, it's helped me.

Starlady, thank you for your comments, you are right about the jealousy, she is particularly jealous of her younger brother because he has a child. But as always it's complicated, estrangement is never about just one thing it seems, but a myriad of things I think.

"I became aware that he could say, and mean, some very disturbing things, the first shocking thing was that his parents would only be any good to him when they were dead, so he could have their money!"

He obviously has a very bad relationship with his parents, whether it's their fault or his. But I agree he probably has influenced dd, either intentionally or just by example. My own very empathetic dd has been known to sort of take on other people's feelings - a friend's, a cousin's, etc. - to the point where it's as if their troubles are hers. Occasionally, sil or I have had to remind her, "This didn't happen to you!" Fortunately for me, this never had to do with parents (so far). But my point is, just the exposure to sil's unfortunate attitude could be affecting your dd.

Hi everyone and sorry kitty to hear you are Estrsnged from 2 daughters!

Do you have other children sorry if missed that

Yogagirl you do keep quiet about your son and it's sad ?

We went to club last night to hear singer very good a local lady i used to work with her mum.
We met in loo and I asked after her mum.She said not seen her for a year had fall out! I said well not seen my daughter 8 years she held our her arms and we shared a huge hug.
It did start the tears!
I guess it will always hurt more than I realise.

My dear son in Afghanistan so hate him so far away, sorry smilless I know that's selfish,your ds being in oz.
Hope holiday going well we not heard lately!
Our Sunday going well had relaxing drink at the club they give any member who wants it a plate of cheese crisps and cheese biscuits on Sundays mmmm
Then we went say couple prayers at church for us and friends son I included our ed I always pray for reconciliation but he doesn't seem hear me,

I realise things couldn't be the same but she is still my daughter I would give anything to be able to speak to her.

Dh just taken car tobe washed then we going pop few extra bulbs in garden!

Happy Sunday all,

Maddyone be thankful youmwere todl direct albeit a round robin text

Or daughter cruelly didn't even tell us she was pregnant with 2nd babe and I had supported her been to fertility specialist with her, and lived and breathed her entire pregnancy she was on knife edgemas hadmlittel bleeding now and again after first scare I drove to see her taking roast dinner and gave her my weeks wages also did her ironing while her husband relaxed.

How could she have been so cruel to not even tell us she was pregnant? Had she forgotten all my love and support? I never wavered throughout all her agoinising about if she could conceive.
Something died inside me when her ex school friend told me she'had 2 children she knew no details and it was long while until xxxxx was nearly 1 and ed put her name on Xmas card to her godparents, I cried and cried like I would never stop.

Baby no 3 we were told about by her employer/colleague, they felt sorry for me more tears in public!
Dh decided to confront her and she invited him in and told him 3rd little girls name, desperately wanted him to see children but s imlaw said no way,

Sorrry regulars know this story but just to explain to maddyone and kitty,

So maddyone realise the heartbreak could be so much worse! X

Oh, celeb, I'm sure He hears you. The time probably isn't right. Imo, He knows better than we.

Would it have been any kinder if she told you about those babies and then refused to let you see them?

Whenever you tell how her ils stopped her from letting dh see the kids, I think, once again, that she's being controlled somehow. Hopefully, one day she'll break free.

celebgran yes we know the story, but it is still heart breaking to read it again, so sorry for you C

My ND is doing our family tree right now and it is very interesting. I watched Ruby Wax in 'who do you think you are' last night, it was very moving!

This time of year starts churning up the emotions more than usual. This month is when my dad died unexpectedly and it's my estS birthday, next month my estD birthday and the 5th anniversary of my being 'cut out' of my beloveds lives, then Xmas not forgetting Halloween, which is all about the kiddies. I had to get up in the night, as I would for the first few years when this first happened, just to get the sad thoughts out of my head. This will be the 6th Xmas without my beloveds. All those years that should have been happiness & joy , instead turned into grieving, black thoughts and deep, deep unhappiness Just because my nasty s.i.l [GD stepdad] & his mother were jealous of my love for my D&GC and their love for me!

Thank you Celeb for sharing your heartbreaking story with me. I have joined this thread late and don't know everyone's story. I hope it didn't make you cry writing it all down again. Your SiL refused your husband to see the children, that says a lot. What a wicked thing to do, and from what you say he isn't even the father of your first granddaughter. The sheer nastiness of some people never fails astounds me. It seems the in laws have quite a lot to do with many of these stories. I wonder why, are grandparents such a threat to them?

Maddy it's my GD that has the stepdad, Celebgran's GD all have the same father and yes it does say a lot!

It's a difficult time of year for you Yogagirl

Oh we crossed threads Yogagirl, thanks for putting me right, with so many sad stories it's easy to get slightly confused. But they're all sad, and all so unnecessary. I don't think I understand the world any more (if I ever did!)

Thanks maddyone ?And yogagirl?

It didn't upset me writing it down I did have few tears sat night when Lisa gave me big hug, she not seeing her mum for a year kinda made us feel close.

It's always going be hard but I refuse to let it eat me up anymore, this year going focus at Xmas on those that do love us.

Maddyone it's such early days I pray you see little one is it grandson? Can you text and ask to?
Please please learn from me don't say anything other than conciliatory and kind.
I was deeply hurt on discovery of text slagging me off r ember yogagirl? If only i had kept my mouth shut, but from nasty tone of farewell letter xxx didn't want me anymore regardless.
If you want to be cynical I had fulfilled purpose got her house, wedding, all stuff for first baby and supported her 24/7 throughout pregnancy,
She didn't need me anymore.

Maddyone I think the way we communicate texts, emails it really doesn't help relationships.

My dear son still phones regularly tho we do message regularly especially when he in Afghanistan like now,