Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

Definitely sounds like you're worn out and depressed. Please don't let your one experience with meds prevent you from getting professional help. You may have been on the wrong meds or the wrong dosage. Perhaps you also need talk therapy.

One thing that might help is if you stop arguing with ds/ the dad. Let him live his life as he chooses, whether you agree or not. He's not a teen anymore, you and dh no longer have to raise him. If he tells you things that bother you, just change the subject. Fewer arguments might lighten your load.

Serkeen a prime example of not reading the whole thread before posting. Please read the whole thing and then apologise to Chris.

Chris Although I had no complaints about my DDs, (both away at Uni at the time) I reached a point in my late 40's when I spent nights plotting either suicide or a disappearance. I was totally worn out, coping with an extremely stressful, responsible job and 5 out of 6 of our parents/maiden aunts in and out of hospital. I eventually landed up at the GP, who prescribed anti-depressants. I was also unwilling to take them but GP persuaded me to give it a try for the sake of the rest of the family, so I did take them and slowly regained equilibrium - became my old self again. Please give it a try - modern antiDs are wonderful and make such a difference, putting you back in control and able to make choices and sort out problems.

Chris - you have my sympathies. It's one thing having a much loved and wanted family and enjoying their childhood. It's very different dealing with your children as teens and adults when their behaviour/lifestyle is not what you hoped for. You can love your children but not like them, or at least not like their behaviour. Counselling would be a help to talk through how you want your life to move forward and hopefully lift your depression.

Nothing can truly prepare anyone for life with older children and the teen years can be a hard slog, even when life is running relatively smoothly.

You sound physically and emotionally exhausted, Chris. Despite your earlier post, I think it's worth a visit to a GP, first to rule out any physical stuff like anaemia or thyroid.

Then they can look at your MH. Treatment nowadays can be 'talking' therapy, which could help you untangle the emotions running loose in your family and also give you strategies to help. It's amazing how empowering it can be to be able to defuse the prospect of an argument with a few simple words.

If it comes to medication, times have moved on and doctors also now know that not all tablets suit everyone and it may take some fine-tuning to find the right one.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

I also had twins on my 4th pregnancy. Also fostered, and can so remember when my youngest (an adopted foster son) went into his teens actually saying to myself 'I just cannot do this again!!". These can be such difficult years, and I was also, by then, virtually a lone parent. Of course did get through it. But can understand and sympathise with this lady about her feelings.
I cannot say that I really have loved any of my g.children. Glad they are there, as my children wanted them, but 'love' not really!!
Nothing wrong with that.
50 hours a week working is much too much for anyone, and still running a home for hubbie etc. you must be totally mentally and physically exhausted. This could explain a lot your lack of emotionally ties to anything at present.
You need a good break, and long look at your week-week life. With your children all grown up, now is the time, for you and your husband to start enjoying being a couple again, and you should not worry yourself unduly about your feelings and emotions.
Have often found that those who express most loudly how wonderful everything is in their lives are those with the most problems.

Oh you’ve had a hard time bringing them up virtually single handily.Don't be hard on yourself you sound exhausted.Modern medicine is great so I agree with others that a trip to the doctors would be worthwhile to find if it is depression. Can I ask if you have any hobbies,this sounds silly due to the hours you work, but time spent doing what you want does help. I joined a community choir,you don’t have to be able to sing or read music,and the people are so friendly. I made friends and the singing every week really makes me feel good.From joining the choir I started socialising with new friends and it changed my life. Please consider doing something for you and see what a difference it can make. Good luck .

humptydumpty its not ok to bring a child into the world that you don't want ust because your husband puts u under pressure for another child DH much less important than the unhappiness of an innocent child

And it is not judging, she has asked for our opinions and I gave my opinion as honestly as I could

And this husband certainly should not have pressurised for more children as he was never ever home

The OP has not said that her children are unhappy though, Serkeen - just that she is.

And the best plans can go astray and children can arrive unexpectedly!

Sorry you feel so low and flat, Chris - without trying to sound a bit 'know all' I think you are tired and depressed and could well do with a break at Christmas, a change of scenery, and perhaps a visit to the doctor to see if some counselling or medication might help. It sounds too as if you have had quite a struggle over the years with a big family and not a lot of help due to your circumstances, and this can grind you down over time. When people feel tired and depressed it seems that they focus on the sad things about the past; perhaps there are happier memories that you are just not seeing right now because of how you feel. Be kind to yourself, take some time to rest and indulge if you can with a few simple things like a new hairdo, and maybe have that change of scenery to start you on a happier path. Good luck. x

Just because others around you want to paint a (fake?) picture of wonderful realtionships in family life, don't feel you should join in. I have family members who play that game and it's depressing.
I don't know if you can build up a relationship with new baby. First GC is a good time to find what family love can be. Doing regular babysitting, or having GD overnight as she develops her own personality and learns to interact with the world may perk you up, and win brownie points with son.
Keep talking. Even the responses you don't want may show a different way of looking at it. Good luck.

I think MOnica's post is bang on, you sound mentally exhausted and in need of time to yourself for a while. Antidepressants can be helpful but they need to be in conjunction with counselling. I think I would like some time to myself too, away from all the demands!

Seems to me you did a pretty good job coping with all those children.
Make a list of how you could make your life more pleasant.
Take some vit D.
Go out for a walk.
Most of the children have left. Treat yourself.
Make very small changes.
Perhaps book Christmas day dinner out somewhere.
Apart from work what are your interests?
Wish you well.

Hi Chris, it definitely seems to me a case of extreme tiredness, stress or maybe slight depression.

I think you need to take a holiday, if the husband is working away or doesn't want to go then try to go away with a good friend or even on your own if you are inclined. Use this time to focus on you, relax, eat out, go for walks, pamper yourself in whatever way suits you.

Hopefully you will return refreshed and maybe with a clearer head. It sounds like your children are all young adults now and they have to make their own decisions in life. Let them get on with things and don't argue with them. It you don't see them as often you may get the feeling back of missing them and wanting to see them again. Arrange short meet ups with them individually on neutral ground, say for a coffee or lunch. Maybe talk about positive things from their childhood like something funny they did as children. Hopefully the bond will comeback for all of you...remember baby steps. Time to stop the control and just let go.

If you do not feel refreshed or see things differently after a holiday then maybe it is time to be referred by your GP.

Have you considered asking your GP to refer you for counselling instead of taking pills. You say friends dont understand, so counselling could really help. I had it last year with a lively sympathetic lady, and it really made me understand certain things, and I feel so much better. Bringing up kids without support is very very exhausting mental and physically Ive done it, and my boys were particularly hard going. Twins too ! No wonder you feel as you do ! I think you need to give yourself credit for how well you did cope for many years xx

You do sound like you have been living with depression of some form for a long time.
I understand how you felt about taking drugs, I hated them when I had PND. Years later I suffered PTSD after a bad accident, this time I had counselling along side initial antidepressants. The counselling went on much longer than the drugs, and was my life saver.

I can absolutely and thoroughly recommend counselling, it can change your life for the better.

I feel the same Chris107. I can't seem to have an adult relationship with my two children or step children.. Don't see them very often. DD once in over six years. The men maybe once just before xmas. Grandchildren (7) never see. One grandchild we see every couple of weeks but only recently. Hadn't seen her in ten years till this year. I just don't know what feelings are anymore. I am on antidepressants and makes no difference. I feel numb.

I agree with people who are saying that you should see your GP or if your local area has a walk in mental health clinic go there and say that you need to speak to someone. Five teenagers as effectively a single parent is a lot to cope with and you may have been overwhelmed to the extent that you now have a form of PTSD or it could, as you suggest, be depression. Your husband may not be picking up on this. Many partners don't. When I tried to describe what was obviously depression to a previous partner (although I did not recognise it as that at the time) he said 'how is that supposed to make me feel'. I was really shocked that he thought it was about him. You need someone outside the family to talk to and to at least understand your feelings yourself. Don't resist if medication is suggested as that can help but it is important that you speak to someone as well.
Your children should not have to suffer as a result of your feeling but you can't worry about that until you get yourself well as it is just another pressure. It probably took years for you to become this ill and you need to be patient with yourself if it takes time to recover.
Could you go away by yourself for a few days? Maybe to a health spa?

Chris107 I am not surprised you feel as you do. 5 children is a lot and sounds knackering to be blunt. It's not compulsory to take on the grandchildren. I felt very flat when the first gc came along as somehow I felt she was my responsibility and then felt the same with the second gc.. Step back and give yourself a break. Have a chat with the GP, perhaps a therapist would help you offload your feelings. I did that and it helped enormously... I told her some dreadful thoughts but once they were out in the open it was ok. You are entitled to have a happy life too. Good luck.

Four boys, including twins - some people would need a lot of help to get through their growing up, you must be exhausted, but I notice you mention the menopause, you really need to see your GP and get hormone levels checked, also thyroid and discuss possible depression, I know you don't want pills but there are lots of different kinds, you need to book a longer appointment. Counselling could help.

I presume your OH doesn't want to go away for Christmas as he is away all the time, maybe you need to chat over with him if there is any way he could be at home more.

You do come over as very distressed please put yourself first for once.

Chris107, sounds to me like you need some space. We had 2 sons and they were always bickering. It's very wearing. Parenthood can be tough, especially so with 5 children, four of them boys. Give yourself time. when they've all moved out, just keep in touch and take time out for yourself. It will come right in the end. That's been my experience, anyway. Good Luck!

Funny enough I didn’t mind the teenage years. I found having two babies harder my husband worked long hours and I never had many friends, we didn’t have Mother’s and baby clubs then it was lonely and hard work don’t regret it loved my babies. My mum was very ill with arthritis and although she was a great nan to my two it was hard for her.
I lost my son at 35 and often think of those early years was I a good mum to him. Don’t beat yourself up about it chris107

I think it’s harsh to blame Chris for having 5 children Serkeen one was a set of twins so only four pregnancies and for one the pill failed She did say quite clearly that the childhood years were not too bad and she loved them and they had fun so obviously the children were wanted and all was reasonably normal until they got older Then it’s sounds as if with four boys and a husband away so not contributing to the upbringing, things got beyond her... That’s not her faults she sounds as if she’s done her best and is worn down to a very very low state but that’s as she says the last eight years not the whole of her life She says she had post natal depression after the last ones were born so perhaps that wasn’t dealt with properly

Chris look for some counselling, do try anti depressants again forget the other ones and if you can have a break with or without your husband even a weekend in a B and B with a friend or even by yourself may help to recharge your batteries a little

You are not bad or unusual you are depressed and worn out look after you a little bit and it may well start to feel better
Keep posting xx

My first thought was that you are depressed, - really depressed, not just a little bit fed up. So you need to see your doctor as soon as possible, i.m.h.o.
Secondly, I have a theory in life, - and it took me years to realise this, - that some people are better living alone. It's a natural state for some of us I think. How would you feel about completely adapting your life so that you live by yourself? Is it a practical proposition? It doesn't mean you would not see your family, but maybe short visits would be better for you than this hothouse of anxiety that you now seem to be in. It may not be possible just yet, but perhaps a plan for the future. I do wish you all the best.

I think your right in not going down the medication route, read marnies post. It appears you’ve shut down and had enough what about freeing up a few hours a week for you and maybe going out with a friend or a long weekend away or spa day. Small steps to see if something ignites some feelings inside.Maybe when your at home you feel trapped as that’s where all the drama has been over the years.Dont beat yourself up. Good luck.

Can I suggest you go to your GP and get your blood screened to ensure you haven't got an imbalance which is causing you to feel this way? The lack of absorption of vitamins B12 and D can cause you to feel exactly like this as can the disfunction of the thyroid gland and many of the other chemicals which are in our bloods.
Secondly, anybody who has coped with twins and lots of children, it is draining especially when you are on your own. Beating yourself up about it is only going to make things worse. No doubt you were doing the best you could to parent in difficult circumstances and nobody can ask any more than that of you.
Sometimes being a parent gets you all sorts of abuse from your children which you wouldn't accept from anybody else. We know that abused people often end up with flat emotions because anything else just hurts. The best way to deal with that might be counselling as some anti-depressants can sometime cause your emotions to flatten too.
Finally, if you need anti-depressants, there are loads of different types out there and there will almost definitely be one which would suit you. IF you want things to change, you are the only one who can do that so start with your GP for tests and move forward from there. Good luck.