Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

You sound overwhelmed. Five children to bring up, one still at home, and you're working two jobs. I think you need some "me" time. Would it be possible to go away on your own?

Recently I was chatting to a neighbour who has two adult children. She suddenly said "I wish I'd drowned them at birth". I said "you don't mean that" and she said she did. I was taken aback at her saying such a thing. It just shows, not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their children.

Chris107
Let off as much steam as you want. You have done a grand job bringing up five children, virtually on your own. I would have fallen by the wayside many years ago were I in your position.Why shouldn't you go away for xmas? and, sorry, but it is unfair of H to expect after all the years of looking after others to not want you to have a xmas elsewhere.Your children are adults they are more than capable of sorting out their own lives and I can understand you are waiting for the day your remaining son at home moves out.
You need a break even if it's only over xmas
Make H understand how you feel. Does he need it in writing ? don't give up, put yourself first.You are more than entitled to after the years of looking after others.

Don't argue with them unless it directly affects you - perhaps the one at home may argue if told he has to pull his weight a bit more - just say 'that's the way it is, no arguments dear.'.

A dear friend once told me that, after her DD had left university, left home and was working, she would say to her 'Whatever you think, darling' or 'Mmm, that sounds an interesting proposition' and didn't argue with her which she knew would only cause stress.Actually, she used this option even before her DD went off to university and was choosing what career path to take.

It sounds like the line of least resistance but you have to try to sound positive about their choices (even if you're not!).

Sounds like motherhood has just worn you down, maybe with all the fighting over the years and coping alone. Be wary of a Dr visit and being put on pills etc. I think you now need to focus on you, meet with old friends and make new ones and live YOUR life. Make a list of things you like doing, or would like to do and learn to be a bit selfish, you have earned that right. Your family are grown and now making their own life’s etc Do a rota to visit so you are not cutting yourself off, but do it on your terms and don’t let anyone drag you into any disputes as they are draining you. Re Xmas, if your DH is insisting on Xmas at home this year, then let him know that next year it’s your choice.... as your feelings are equally as important.

Serkeen and humpty. Chris said nothing about being "pressured" by dh. In fact, she said she enjoyed the early years. It's the teen years that turned her off.

Chris, in addition to getting professional help, I agree, too with those who say you need a vacation. Maybe "get away from it all" a few times a year or more? Places where you'll be waited on and have "nothing to do" but relax and have fun. A cruise perhaps. Or a hotel on the beach. Or whatever appeals to you. Think about it.

It's the teen years that turned her off.
They're enough to turn anyone off being a mother, especially if you have five squabbling teens, all vying for attention, sibling rivalry, etc etc and one worn-down parent trying to cope.

Sheila, my deepest sympathies on your loss. (((Hugs)))

Marnie, (((hugs))) to you, too. Have you talked to the doctor about the dosage of your medication? If you're feeling "numb," it might actually be working too well.

Have you tried keeping in touch with family by Skype? Maybe you need to focus more on other parts of your life - work, hobbies, friends, etc. Perhaps volunteer for a cause you find important? Focusing on ac and gc you don't get to visit with that much may be bringing you down.

I think the way you are feeling right now might as you say be due to the menopause, at least in part.

I also think those who suggest that you must be tired are right - you are working a heck of a lot. Getting away for a while sounds a really good idea, if not at Christmas, perhaps in the early spring?

Nor do I think you are lacking in maternal love because you are counting the days until a son of 20 moves out. Whether he is working or studying I think it only reasonable that he starts looking for a room or a flat on his own. So suggest to him, that it is time he did so, or at least pay rent (but perhaps he does?)

I just seen your comment about not wanting to take medication because you didn't get on with what you were given for PND. The anti-depressants used now are much different than those used 20 years ago and don't suit everyone but they don't zonk people out the way the older heavier tablets did. You would probably take a tablet for a headache so don't dismiss them out of hand.
You might need to change your doctor or go back and say that you feel no better. I know it is difficult, I don't necessarily go to a doctor when I should and they certainly vary so far as mental health is concerned but give it at least one more try.

How can it be ok for someone to post their feelings on a forum only to be bullied and beaten by another member? We are all here for support, sharing and advice, NOT to be told by someone (Serkeen) that the problems we are experiencing now are because we didn't do things right some years ago. FFS - we know we weren't perfect. But we are looking for a little support and compassion in the here and now.
And Chris.....you sound plumb tired and bummed out. That's ok. You can figure it out. Be kind to yourself. We are all here just trying to survive. Hugs to you.

You have got too much on your plate. Husband away, 50 hrs work a week and one son at home with 3 away and daughter at university.

I am sorry your family was argumentative as one tends to think of home as a place to relax and enjoy some joint activities.

Perhaps you and your kids had to share bedrooms and one bathroom with the loo in it etc. Shared space that is really too small can make a family very argumentative.

I think you will find it difficult to see a pathway through your situation by yourself, however it is not easy to afford a counselor and NHS means a very long wait if any. Humans Givens Therpists aim to be brief and focused in their work.
www.hgi.org.uk/find-therapist

I suggest that this year you have Christmas at home as your husband requests and arrange to go on coach trip to a a 2 night hotel party after the new year when the prices are lower. 2 nights away may give you time to think what is important to you and how you are going to turn your life around. I think you need to have time to yourself to find out what you want and then how to work towards those things.

All the best. Emily.

I don't think you are odd or horrible or really hate your children - I had two children and , like you, enjoyed them as babies and growing up. I did find the conflict when they were teenagers very difficult to manage (I had not seen behaviour like that before, certainly my sister and I were not allowed to have teenage tantrums!) and at times I disliked both of them. They still annoy me at times even though my daughter is now 39 and my son 42 - and I am sure I irritate them at times too. I think you have just reached the stage of needing some time for yourself - raising five children is an achievement in itself and you deserve a break. Can you afford to go away now and then and just do something you enjoy? There are groups who look for volunteer helpers and provide food and accommodation in exchange for help www.overseasjobcentre.co.uk/dirvol.shtml has a list of possible placements but there are other sites you can look at. Getting a life of your own outside your family will help you enjoy them again I am sure - just hang on in there

See the doctor
Take some pills in the short term
Get counselling
Have blood tests
Make a list of all that you have achieved in your life and praise yourself.

The menopause can cause all sorts of emotional upheavals.

You have started a new phase of your life now, leave the past behind. Focus on the future. It is not always easy but you have made a start by coming on here and telling it like it is.

Oh Chris, I'm not qualified to give you advice so I'm sorry if I get it wrong. To me you sound as if you have been depressed for a long time. It's not that I think your feelings are wrong or that you're on your own in feeling them - I'm sure there are many who feel this way permanently or temporarily - but it's just the way you sound, exhausted and completely worn out. Others have said not to rule out anti-depressants and I would agree with that, but if you feel that's impossible to contemplate please don't rule out any sort of help. Counselling can help, it really can.
You've brought up you children the best way you could - just like the rest of us. Not one of us, on here or anywhere else, is perfect or has done a perfect job - even if they try to persuade you otherwise! Be kind to yourself - maybe instead of working so hard you could find something you really enjoy doing?
I really hope that you find your way through this and that you'll be able to relax at some time over Christmas.

Chris107 one of the problems for our generation is that we are expected to always be caring and nurturing. Our mums and our grans weren't. They might be caring but then again they might not. They expected teenagers to behave and to grow up, if you didn't they were quite capable of putting you out the house. We are trapped into providing for our children and feel guilty if we don't. You have raised 5 children virtually by yourself no wonder you feel numb.Take some time for yourself. You can leave the house for other things beside work you know. Try reducing your work hours and do something for yourself. Join a choir, go for a swim or a Spa session, take up painting. What you do doesn't really matter but don't feel guilty because you are taking time for yourself, your family will benefit. If you begin to care and nourish your self you may find you also able to care for your children. And actually teenagers are impossible to care for sometimes, and they are exhausting. Don't feel guilty you are just emotionally exhausted

I totally understand this. Mine, and I had only two, fought throughout their lives. Their dad was basically inert, so I had to do both parental roles, as well as work. Luckily, they have both matured and now get on well. And I now enjoy spending time with them. But wouldn’t if they’d carried on the way they were.
Maybe some more time needs to pass for your lot to sort themselves. But I think we parents, having got them to adulthood, are allowed to step back and say it’s up to you now, we’ve done our bit!
Also agree about gps being too keen to hand out antidespressants rather than get to nub of thing. They are also too time pressured. Do you have any spare cash to indulge yourself away from all? A hobby, weekend treat with a friend? Some space and fresh air may help.
Or do a radical and book yourself away for Xmas and leave them to it!
Do hope you find a way through this.

Your family sound like, as Ron Weasley would say, a bunch of gits. But then you have boys and a husband so there is probably not so much as one empathy gene between them. Leave then for Christmas and let them work out what the hole in their lives is.

Many parents in the animal kingdom chase off their children once they become adolescents. I used to look at my children sometimes at that age and wish humans did the same!

I hope you don't mind me asking Chris107 but do you suffer from depression? I can't understand someone not being interested in their children and grandchildren. Why did you have 5 children, if you don't like them? It seems sad to me that someone like you who doesn't like children had that many when so many people who want them can't even have one. I had 4 babies, one died at 4 months and we lost our eldest at the age of 30. We have 5 grandkids and absolutely adore them. I feel sorry for you.

Oh Maddy do read the thread it’s so annoying when someone has already been accused of something has answered it fully then the same accusation comes up again
Chis did WANT her children she had four pregnancies one was twins she also had a pregnancy through a failed pill She wanted all her children and they were all perfectly ok throughout their childhood till the last two twins moved into the teenage era then it all started to go downhill and she had troubling times with them all plus an absent father ( through his work) she had post natal depression with the last ( twin) pregnancy and works 50 hours a week

She has never said she doesn’t like children she has expressed the difficulty of managing and liking them when they GOT OLDER

Maddy, my heartfelt sympathies on the loss of 2 of your children.

Glad you enjoy your gc though!

As BB points out, Chris doesn't dislike children. She's just worn out (apparently) from years of parenting (virtually) alone, dealing with teenagers and a generally argumentative family. She doesn't seem to feel any "connection" to her new gd, but that's because of all this plus the fact that she argues "constantly" with the ds who is gd's dad. (She needs to stop fighting with him, imo, but that's an issue in itself.)

Yes don’t beat yourself up. I’ve had 5 kids n only close to one the youngest but I feel I don’t really relate to children n especially babies - goodness knows why I had 5. Take each day as it comes n live for the present.

chris107
its tough being you -you have done a great job raising those kids .
no wonder you feel depressed -you need time for yourself
dont listen to anybody -you are the greatest!

Yes, don't beat yourself up. It takes all sorts to make the world go round. From the sounds of it, you need to get your life back, you've had to bring up the family on "your own" for so long, and as they are all grown up now, its your time to break out. You're not nasty or evil, you are just "worn out" from it all.

I am not exactly sure what you are asking?? What has the Dr said. . Is it depression.? Are you just having a rant? I'm confused.