Our grown up children have minds of their own.

Norah just because you don't know anyone in tat situation, doesn't mean it doesn't happen!!

I'm sure most couples each have some controlling behaviour. I have certainly seen signs of it in a lot my friends' relationships. Husbands who 'can't manage' to look after their children when the wife is out. He has to keep phoning her to ask questions. Women who go home to the silent treatment after visiting their family. Husbands who want a blow by blow account of everything you spoke about on the phone to your friend. I'm sure wives do it too, but I'm friends with the wives, so I'm probably a bit blinkered.

Madgram77, This is what I was agreeing with: "I don't see how a loving son or daughter would allow themselves to be told what they can or can't do. Know adult children they have to keep the peace to a certain extent, but they have minds of their own, only in compatively rare cases does a partner have to be very sick and vicious to demand no contact us made." from the opening post.

You not agreeing does not make me wrong.

I think it is extremely rare to be "controlled".

The title "Our grown children have minds of their own", yes, indeed they do,

Norah, I doubt very much that you don't know anyone who is in a relationship where they are being controlled - they will be hiding it from you, possibly out of fear of their partner, possibly because they think their relationship is normal, possibly because they know you won't understand so it's not worth discussing it, or for any number of other possible reasons.

Its often an unhealthy conspiracy of silence kept by the controlling person and their partner.

My estD is without question controlled by her husband, as are many women controlled by their man, in some cases it is the women in control, as in Smileless's case.

Love the name minesaprosecco

I think we need to realise that once our children are grown up and launched on the sea of life, then our job is done. Some of us will be fortunate and continue to have a loving relationship with our children and grandchildren but that is not guaranteed, nor is it our right.

We need to step back and leave them to develop their own lives in their own way. They may choose careers and lifestyles that are not what we had hoped for, but it is none of our business to interfere, unless the personal safety of others is threatened.

I think quite a number of estrangement and difficult relationships are the result of grandparents failing to leave a proper space between themselves and their adult children. If my parents had behaved as some grandparents on GN say they have, we would undoubtedly have kept them at a distance, and limited contact.

This is true Monica I visited my now estD twice per week for an hour only, before I would take the two C & two dogs for a walk, so my D could have a rejuvenating bath & 'me' time. Is that too much? [genuine question] I would babysit when asked, only visited when her H was at work and never at weekends.

Having said that, my D moved from my house into their house, so I still felt very connected with her, & she with me, she would phone me every day. Looking back maybe from his point of view and he & his mother being jealous of me & my other D [only realised after the CO], he obviously saw this as too much. He lived in my house with my D before they moved into their own place and I thought we got on ok. Just goes to show, you never know what's going on in someone's mind

May I ask Monica are you estranged from your AC?

No, I am not estranged from my children. I have a close relationship with them. All of them, and DGC, have just gone home after a one week stay over Christmas.

I am not talking about how much time we spend with our children and grand children. But there seem to be many relationships where parents expect to be part of their grown-up children's adult relationships, the third person in every marriage, the third parent of their grandchildren. and, as we know, that never works.

I do think that we have to accept that, for good or ill, our children should define our adult relationship with them. If we are lucky that relationship will be close and loving, in other cases, for good reason or bad, they will choose to distance themselves from us and we have to accept that.

Well yes, we do have to accept it if our AC choose to distance themselves from us, their parents because there's nothing we can do about it.

We also have to accept it if our AC cut us out of their's and their children's lives as there's nothing we can do about that either.

We also have to accept that where some cut out's are justified and understandable, others are not. Not all CO parents wanted to be or expected to be the third person in their AC's marriage and not all CO GP's wanted to be or expected to be, the third parent of their GC.

Bad things can and do happen to good people.

I can second that.

I agree

Sheilasue, I keep thinking of you losing your son because of his violent partner. It is hard to imagine your suffering. Without doubt you would have done everything in your power to help him get out of that relationship, at the end of the day you can't control anyone, just offer support and be there. We want our children happy, we would rather we have the pain. You say you have your gd, do you see her often? I hope so much you for.?
Saggi, good for you, bullies give it out but don't like the tables turned on them. I would have liked to see the expression on his face.

Good post Smileless xx