My husband has been having an affair.

craicon not at all but I do think it takes TWO to make a marriage work and if her husband felt pushed aside she has to redress the balance.I've been married 43 years and we always say we're a great TEAM ...surely they should have worked together on the family issue if thats whats caused the rift .If not then I apologise for picking it up wrong

I think I would get the locks changed. Yes I think he is keeping you as an insurance in case it breaks up with the other woman. But how could you ever trust him again?
I think it was a good excuse for him to move out that your daughter was there and to blame you in some way.
But it's your life and I wish you all the best.

You are still young. He has seriously abused your trust. Think of yourself now.

There has been a lot of deceit involved here and I agree with loopyloo he has used the issue with your daughter as an escape route.
Time to look at protecting yourself and your future I think. I wish you well.

I could have kicked OH out but decided he was worth fighting for , long leash gradually reeled in and we have survived 50 +years

Aggie that made me smile - the "long leash" and "reeled in".

I think it was a mistake him moving out to accommodate your daughter, can understand why you wanted to help them, but it couldn't have worked, would never have considered my husband leaving his own home. So perhaps it is best to get good legal advice and an amicable settlement, you can both start again and be happy.

I'm not worried I'm not on that many sites

Denil. Please do some serious soul searching before you even think of taking him back. Could you ever do that to him? He's thought the grass was greener on the other side. Show him love. Don't be that door mat. You havnt gone anywhere. It's his loss. totally understand what you're going through .

I have just looked at denil's profile and she is an absolute stunner.
Her H must be mad to look elsewhere with a lovely wife and a new GC.I have

Thank you for all the advice. I'm totally worn out. Annsixty she's 38! And total opposite of me ..... I'm 54. My grand daughter is not his - he's my 2nd marriage. He has no children. I suspect because she is pregnant it will appeal to him. I just feel so devastated by the lies.

He didn't leave because my daughter was here. I went to Portugal end of Sept to help his mum clear their sold house and he moved in with his dad to care for him. He is self employed so had to move the office - then he was under pressure with campaigns and his drinking started back up. That's when it went downhill.

You need to sit down and think everything thru about the history of your marriage warts and all.
As he been unfaithful before, unfortunately if he is that type of man doesn't change.
Do you want to continue in a marriage where he can lie to you so easily.
Think about what your needs are.
You can get advice about 30 minutes free with a solicitor check out the ones which offer this service.
Take your time, consider the financial implication of a separation and/or divorce and how that would leave you.
You are in shock at the moment DON'T TAKE DRUGS or start drinking to excess it will make you feel worse.
See your GP and if necessary ask him to arrange for you to talk all this thru with someone.
Do you have a close friend you can confide in.
Make yourself busy go walking don't give up there is light at the end of the tunnel.
At the moment it will be like living in a fog but eventually you will know what to do and be able to move forward.
Best of Luck and think positive about the future.

Several grans think that trust is all-important. I'd rather say that there are degrees of trust. All of us have feet of clay including your beloved. Marriages vary among companionate, passionate, stormy, calm, pragmatic, financial, socially convenient, and so on. It's a mistake to be too romantic.

On the face of it Denil seems to be more level headed than her spouse who seems to have lost the plot. However even in this day and age the woman is more vulnerable than the man and Denil needs to protect herself . This may or may not include accepting that her spouse has been and may be again a silly ass or an old goat.

... and a drinker

.....and a massive liar, to two women.

I would find it hard to ever trust him again, it must be devastating. He lied to you and the other woman as well, saying he was single and promising marriage, and she has now had an abortion? Poor woman.

I suggest a separation for a year, work out the finances with a solicitor or other professional help. Do not let him move back and do not burn your boats regarding the house. It sounds like a male menopause thing and he would have to work hard to prove he was worth fighting for if you were to consider getting back together. Don’t make any decisions in the heat of the moment. If you meet him do it over coffee somewhere. My heart goes out to you.

denil963 I am so sorry you must be so hurt. I don't know what else to say but get some advice today and take care. best wishes

He moved in October and met her in November and by beginning of Jan she is already pregnant. What is he saying about baby? If you had tried for a child together many times and miscarried maybe he thought he wanted a baby at any cost, even if it meant with someone else and risked losing you. He does not sound like a nice person and is obviously devious and untrustworthy. You have not done anything wrong he has. Do not let him break you. Think through could you forgive him or not? He has asked OW to marry him. If no then take control by speaking to solicitor and if you do decide to seek divorce make sure you do it in your own time and on your terms. Take comfort in your own dd and ask her for support at this difficult time.

I think she plans to keep the baby from what she told me.
I met him yesterday for coffee. He denies everything. Won't admit to a thing. Says she made it up.
His parents clearly don't know whatis going on.
I met him when I was nearly 42. I didn't want more children plus he was an alcoholic - my miscarriages were with my 1st husband - this is my 2nd marriage and he always knew I did not want to try again with my history.
I feel constantly sick. Not eating or sleeping and just in a dream

Denil, I've been where you are now and can empathise with the constant nausea and anxiety. Don't try to eat a meal, stick to nutritious snacks like yoghurt and soup through the day, but do try to eat something.

By keeping the truth from you, your husband is making it more distressing for you. It seems to me that you need to stabilise the situation by taking charge a bit. Begin to make a plan. Assess your financial situation; look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing and finances. It may shock him into focusing on the issues.

When your marriage is falling apart it feels very scary and fears of an uncertain future are very real, but do you really want to hang onto this person who hurts and deceives you? Don’t allow fear to make your decisions. He was seeking happiness elsewhere and you are left reeling trying to understand what went so wrong.

For most of us, the key to survival at times like these is to step back, take a deep breath, and regain our composure. Then we can decide what course of action to take. Counselling helps, as a trained professional may help to put things into perspective. Your GP can refer you. Talking to objective family and friends can also help.

Although the process of realization takes a while, it begins to dawn on you that you don't have to go on living with the lies and deceit.

I think if we can accept that we did our best to honour our part of the marriage vows, we will eventually have closure. Without that, we are left to grieve, relive old memories to the point when you feel your head will explode and remain connected to this person who has betrayed you and the vows he made.

You truly deserve better. xx

Its horrible to see the life you'd planned come crashing down around you.

I don't suppose the fact that you had family staying caused the problem. He probably pretended they were the reason he wanted to live elsewhere for a while and it was a total windfall for him being handed the excuse! Good thing you stayed loyal to your daughter, because hopefully she will stick by you through this.

He says she made it up.
Is there any chance that's true? Any way of finding out?

My heart goes out to you as I was in a similar situation to you 13 years ago (minus a baby on the way). For six weeks I was led to believe a separation was all my fault for working too hard at my job, when in truth whenever my ex husband threw a bone, I was always there running. I was eventually to discover myself that my ex was living part time with another woman, and had been doing so for at least five years. Things were about to explode as he had lost his job. The silly man pretended to work away part of the week. At the time I felt I was living in a soap opera. My daughter pulled me from my fog and with her help plus advice from a friend at work, I ventured into a solicitor's office. Talk about head and heart in battle as I was so mixed up and it didn't help that my ex would throw in the odd carrot, telling me how much he missed my voice etc. This was all to try and keep me under his control. It was the worst time of my life but I look back and I am so proud of what I did. Following on from my divorce I met and married the kindest man. I am not used or manipulated and have the emotional and financial security I always craved. I had a really good job and often wondered during my first marriage why we always seemed to be broke and in debt. I totally trusted my ex and believed him to have the same morals, loyalty and family values as me. How wrong I was to be working so hard to maintain his affair, affairs? If I were you Denil I would get to that solicitor and end this marriage and show that man you are not to be disrespected and are a treasure that he has now lost through his own stupidity. I wish you strength and hope for a much happier future. Life will get better, believe me.