Slight PIL problem

When our first GC was coming, in another country, we booked flights so we’d arrive 4 weeks after due date. This was both to allow for baby not arriving on schedule and for the parents to adjust a bit. Unfortunately babybawn’s in-laws haven’t done likewise. I would suggest that if too much and too long visiting is done, some kind of “doctor’s orders” about rest for mother might be invoked, as it used to be the old days.

They need 'bonding' time these days, just the new parents and the baby, apparently.

Of course, if a second baby, then a third or even a fourth arrives, they may be glad of some help from the PIL whom they were so keen to keep at arm's length the first time.

when people are making an international trip there are often expectations that they can camp out at the house all day and that the new parents will be running around making meals and cups of tea for the visitors.
That is rubbish, most grandparents will be there to cook, wash, make life easier for the new mum and do not expect to be waited on. And know when to withdraw gracefully.

There are, of course, always the exceptions.

I find bonding to be a brilliant idea.

Some DP or DPIL would just get on with the mundane tasks that need doing which would allow the parents time to bond with the baby. Then when new mum went off for a much-needed nap and new father and new grandad were bonding in the garden or escaping to the pub for a couple of hours, new granny could bond with the baby before she has to fly back home again.

That would be in an ideal world of course.

"I thought it would be nice for my husband to enjoy his paternity leave without having to share the baby"

babybawn, if this is what you want, this is what you should say you want, no GPIL about other an hour you select.

I think I'd have died if my MIL had arrived and started washing up or cooking. Some of us like a bit of privacy and even when I had my 4th I didn't want anyone in my kitchen.

If I lived somewhere else I might think differently and we'd probably be more open to visitors immediately, but we live in London in a small apartment so thought the sensible thing was to give us 2 weeks to find our feet and then let family stay with us....If the birth goes well they might even send me home the day after, which is great and I don't think it's unreasonably for new parents to take time out to spend time with their newbie before opening their doors to family and friends. In this day and age news travels that you can be inundated with visitors. We set boundaries, they weren't respected by one side of the family so rather then dig our heels in, I want to try and accommodate the change in plan and I'm thankful they're not staying with us on this trip. You'd think people would know when to leave but the truth of the matter is that often people overstay their welcome. :-)

Oh and my MIL gets stressed out making a cup of coffee so doubt she'll be off help to me that way. If she was a doer then I'd probably want her here 24/7

I would play it by ear. You'll know after one (short) visit how things are going to pan out, I think.

I can't believe I'm the only calm grandparent who waited six weeks to see her first grandchild. It wasn't because my daughter wanted it and nor did I but circumstances meant that's how it was. I did not 'suffer' or feel that I was missing out in the least. Actually, if anything, it was as much about seeing my daughter, my first born, as seeing her baby. Yes, definitely that. A six week old baby is not so very different from a newborn. Having your own baby turn into a mother is quite something though.

Can't people cope with excitement and anticipation nowadays?

So I say, allow people to visit as much or as little as you want, bawn. If they visit and outstay their welcome tell them straight up that you'd like them to leave because you feel stressed or tired or whatever. I once did that with a friend of my husband who was in no hurry to go home. I began with "I know you'll understand..." Get your husband in on the act so he can tell them you, all three, want to be by yourselves now.

I don't really get this demanding relatives business. Mine and my husband's were always most considerate and understanding of new mum emotional fragility and need for space.

2 concerns, babybawn:

1. If you let your ils visit during the time you and dh said you wanted to bond as a family unit, they will get the idea they can override your wishes whenever they want. Also, you're establishing the idea that their needs count more than yours and dh's, even when it comes to your new baby.

2. You seem more concerned with your ils' feelings than your dh's. Is that really the way you want to go?

If it were me, I would stick to my plans. The fact that a certain timing happens to work better for them, doesn't change the fact that it doesn't work for you and dh. You don't have to accommodate them, particularly since you will be new parents, just adjusting to your new life.

But if you feel the need to compromise, then I would go with one visit - one - no matter how they may argue or cajole. All you have to do is not invite them for a second visit and decline if ever they call and ask for one. They can's assert their needs over yours if you don't let them. So don't let them.

the OP knew what she wanted before posting,I have no idea WHY she posted.I can say that I would have been really upset at not seeing my GC if I'd flown hundres of miles or more.As someone else said these are people she may well NEED help from with subsequent babies.Families are about compromise and co operation ,we've all read the threads about estranged Children /parents ..this is exactly the way to go if thats what she wants..and if she doesn't make an effort with her husbands MOTHER now ..will she ever .Or will this be another mother with an estranged son and a DIL who may well have entirely the wrong idea about her because she hasn't been willing to put some effort into a relationship with her .

One visit, near the end of their 2 weeks, DH to tell them firmly beforehand.

paddyanne, poster's asked pils not to come. They decided to come anyway. If pils do not see the baby they're the problem.

poster not poster's

But, paddyann, would you make a point of flying hundreds of miles at a time you had been told was not convenient?

Good points, Starlady.

FarNorth, brilliant.

You say you posted before on here babybawn - did you use a different username as there is nothing else under your present name?

paddyann I agree with your post.
The PILs probably have a life too and, of course, you need to book flights in advance in most cases, so booking them already is only sensible. They also have other grandchildren nearby that they wish to see (hope they get a warm welcome there!) so it doesn't sound as if they're planning to spend that much time with you babybawn, and, as you say, the silver lining is that they are not staying with you.

Families are about compromise and co operation
I agree paddyann but apparently some are not.

I wonder if, in the future, there will be posts about the selfish PILs who won't come on the plane and look after No 1 child when No 2 is due?

Changed days.
My pil saw my baby while we were still in hospital.
When I arrived home they were in their car waiting on us. And stayed while I made their dinner.

Thanks, FarNorth.

Babybawn, of course you have to do what seems right to you. But I fear you're just taking what seems like the path of least resistance. Think about your own words:

"We set boundaries, they weren't respected by one side of the family so rather then dig our heels in, I want to try and accommodate the change in plan..."

Iows, you're giving both sides of the family the message that they don't have to respect your boundaries. In fact, the best way to get what they want is to disrespect your boundaries.

You were asking the ils to come at a later date than they want, so no problem with needing time to plan ahead. And I'm skeptical about why the only time that's good for them is right around when baby is due or that they can't see their other gc at a later date either. Imo, this is all manipulation to get to be there when THEY think they should and NEVER MIND what you and dh want.

What if they're not satisfied with what you're offering? What if they come up with reasons why they "have to" visit "one more time" - or "two more times" or "just stop by" to bring another gift or whatever. Will you hold your ground then? Respect dh's wishes? Or give into your ils once again?

I'm sorry but I don't think estrangements happen because young parents set boundaries. In cases like babybawns, imo, estrangement happens because the gps don't respect boundaries. A co won't necessarily be avoided if young parents give in and let the gps walk all over them. The more likely scenario, imo, is where parents reach a point of no return, as limit after limit is broken - and that's when they'll throw up their hands & decide to co the gps. I'm not saying that's true in all situations, but when gps are pushy like babybawn's ils, I think it is.

Babybawn, there's a saying: "Begin as you mean to continue." Imo, that's what you need to do. If you intend to continue treating dh's side of the family better than your own, then, by all means, start now. If you plan to continue giving into your ils demands and letting them step on your boundaries - or not bothering to set boundaries at all - because why bother? They'll just ignore them anyway - then go ahead and let them visit a couple of times or hey, maybe as much as they want. If you're ok with disrespecting your own dh's wishes in order to placate your ils, then, he might as well know that right now.

But if you would like for you and dh to be able to make your own decisions about your own child, etc, if you would like to be able to set boundaries and have them respected, then you need to be firm now. Could you give in this time and set better limits in the future? I guess, but it will be harder. But only you can decide what pattern you wish to establish. I hope you make the best choice for you and yours.

Hear, hear, starlady.

Your inlaws' respect is what you want, bawn. It doesn't matter if they don't like you. People can like you and still not respect you but if you have someone's respect they will behave respectfully (and probably like you too).

Besides which, nice people treat new parents with respect anyway. It doesn't matter if they think your reasons for wanting two weeks of bonding time or whatever without visitors are rubbish. If they respect you and your DH they will stand back and grumble among themselves instead of forcing themselves on you.

Teacher training includes the advice to be much much stricter when you start with new classes than you think you will need to be in the long term. The idea is to assert your authority, and respect for that authority, at the start. Saves a lot of bother later on.

Good luck.

Well if we re looking at our own experiences all three of my children gave birth overseas so all the babies were two or three weeks old when I saw them for the first time none of us have suffered, two of them ( in NZ ) were about five or six months old
Life is as it is, go with the flow

'Families are about compromise and co operation ,we've all read the threads about estranged
Children /parents ..this is exactly the way to go if thats what she wants..and if she doesn't make an effort with her husbands MOTHER now ..will she ever .Or will this be another mother with an estranged son and a DIL who may well have entirely the wrong idea about her because she hasn't been willing to put some effort into a relationship with her '

What about the mother in law making an effort for her son and DIL and respecting their wishes?
Not putting her wants and needs above the new parents wants?

By saying 'Bonding is stupid' blah blah blah you're minimising their 'wants' and tbh almost taking the piss.
'We didn't have that in my day' gave me the rage as a new parent.
My dad was given cows milk from birth and left outside alone because midwives recommended it.
These days, 60+ years later they recommend smokers not to smoke a good hour before seeing a newborn and new parents 'sit and bond' with your baby. I pulled a face when she said both of those to me as i KNEW my mil would kick up a fuss and my midwife told me to tell them it's midwives orders, any problems ring her and new baby and new mum come first.

The fact she knew what I was thinking before saying a word spoke volumes.