Slight PIL problem

Oh for heavens sake! What is it with some (thankfully not all) of these modern mothers? I’m sick and tired of their controlling ways and always wanting to lay down the law.

In days gone by we were grateful for all the help we could get with new babies rather than thinking we knew it all and our parents knew nothing.

Get a grip young woman. Stop seeing everyone as being out to thwart your precious plans and ‘bonding’ and grow up.

Many of us stayed in hospital for up to 10 days when our babies were born. We were protected by the hospital due to restricted visiting hours.

Nowadays, mothers are sent home before they have time to get to k is the baby. Suddenly there is this little baby dependent on you. While you are learning, possibly not feeling great, you should not be expected to have visitor too. Privacy in your home should not be too much to ask.

I think too many GPS forget how they felt in the early days. Ignore those who want to ride roughshod over you. You will never get this time with your first born again. It should all be about you and your husband.

Get to know the baby I mean

How is she?
They have both said no visitors within 2 weeks. That's her DH too not just her.
DILs parents are not visiting.
Parents in law are still visiting anyway.
Dh wants to stick with the plan for no visitors for 2 weeks. That's HIS mom.
OP, the DIL is willing to let them visit but wondering how long for.

Harsh, OldMeg, but I must admit all the navel gazing about co-ing pils and disrespecting boundaries gets wearisome.

I don't think you need advice here, OP. It's obvious you don't like the inlaws, so let them in for a supervised half hour, get your happy family photo, and with any luck they won't be rushing back.

For those saying that it’s unfair for one lot of grandparents to visit before the others. OP said that she lost her mother, and her father is unable to make the journey.

Oh OP I missed that part. It must be really difficult without your mum

You've been through enough by the sounds of it. Talk it through with your DH and decide together.

That is rubbish, most grandparents will be there to cook, wash, make life easier for the new mum and do not expect to be waited on. And know when to withdraw gracefully.

Sorry Jalima but I find it pretty rude that you call my own direct experience "rubbish". Just because you are a helpful grandparent it doesn't mean all are.

Paddyann I'm assuming you or someone close to you has a bad relationship with their Dil and I think that you are making assumptions that I'm the problem.

I assure you that I've done everything in my power to have a good relationship with my ils and for the most part I do and I try to respect them even if that doesn't cut both ways.

Both sets of family were asked to give us time, likewise we will visit both families in their respective countries when the child is old enough and to top all that if its a boy we've picked a name that runs in my DH's side of the family and my side of the family if its a girl. We treat both families the same.

Its also not about them not seeing the GC, its about practicality and quality of time. Baggs had the right idea about waiting 6 weeks, it was one of the reasons I wanted everyone to wait at least two weeks. I'd be up and about, we'd be familiar with the baby and could head out and do nice things with GC rather than clapped inside looking at a sleeping baby all day and getting on each others nerves. Also MIL can be very difficult and with hormones flying around the place I'm afraid I'll snap and say something I'll regret, which i definitely don't want to to.

In fact, we'd asked ils to hold off booking flights so that we could get a christening date in place as we would love for them to be there, but that idea was scoffed at by my il's. I mean what parent doesn't want to be present for their GC's christening? I would be crushed if my family had that attitude.

For those being critical about wanting two weeks to bond with our child, I think you're being very unfair and most likely have forgotten what its like (I'm told) in those initial days after the birth. Also, both families can't just pop in to say hi, they would have to stay with us and what with it being a tiny flat I think that could be a very stressful situation so at least two weeks breathing room will give us time to get to grips with our newbie without the added pressure of having to entertain guests. I think its a genius idea and one based of instinct and advise from mums across the various generations.

I get what everyone is saying about how I should stick to the plan, but I don't want to have any regrets and if they are in the country feel that they should have at least one visit with their GC. My family are fine with this, they prefer the idea of waiting and being of use for when my DH goes back to work. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being mean with one visit to start and if things go well and we're in good spirits and up to it then maybe they can pop up for a second visit? Of course the baby might arrive early/late so this might even be a non issue and I've wasted your time I do appreciate the feedback though, it is definitely food for thought. xx

Thank you Maggiemaybe and Violetfloss, I miss her every day, she was a true lady and I want to honor her memory by being a good human being hence why I'm seeking advice on what is reasonable. I guess its also why I think DH parents should see GC if at all possible. Life is short

Cold Apologies if my post sounded rude and I must admit responding before I read the whole of yours. It was just that it was not the experience of anyone we know for GP to travel miles and sit on their backsides expecting to be waited on by a new mother and father! We and all the GP we know who may have travelled thousands of miles just get on with what needs to be done and probably go home needing a rest.

I am sorry that you had such a bad experience and hope everything improved from then on.

They're not there for long babybawn and they won't be exactly on the doorstep after they've gone home so there won't be constant 'popping in' uninvited.
I hope all goes well

I think the idea of visiting hours ( as in a hospital, as all new mums were obliged to be for 10 days in “the old days”!) tell them the midwife has advised 2-4pm (you can go to bed for a nap) My daughter’s friend recently had her baby on the day she went on maternity leave (!) a month early ....and I had my daughter 10 days early and my son 10 days late so your problem might not arise. Let nature take its course, but it’s in your power to be kind to your ILs....you never know the experience might change your MiL and she might even make herself useful! You’re stuck with them for life so you need to make the best of it.

What is all this 'passive aggressive lark'....sounds pretty passive aggressive to me to be dictating how family members will be able to relate to a new baby, especially if they have to travel.

Young women now seem to be wanting to domineer everybody else and if people have any thoughts of their own, they get this 'passive aggressive' label.

We had bossy boots from MN on here a while back complaining that her MIL had bought the baby an outfit.

Your baby is born into a family and is entitled to a family.

If you are well enough, make them welcome, if you are ill tell them and they will respond. Save a big pile of ironing for them, some lawn mowing etc people love to help out.

I was unable to be there for my daughter as much as I wanted to be, and was eternally grateful to my SIL's mother who was a daily support could be there.

That lovely lady died last week, very young, in her sleep, never begrudge people their happy moments.

I'm sorry to hear that radicalnan, you're right because you never know and better to welcome them for the short time they are there than regret the fact that, should anything unforeseen happen, they may never have met their grandchild.

OldMeg,
You are wrong. There were plenty of us who wanted NO help and NO visits in the first couple of weeks even years ago!
I was one of those.
My parents rushed down to see our first baby straight away even when asked not to. My husband’s parents waited 2 weeks as requested.
My relationship with my parents was good (and close) but I still think they should have waited. Now they are both dead, I do look at the photos of that visit, all their smiles and hugs fondly... but nevertheless would never make a new-baby visit uninvited.

om, why shouldn't young parents lay down the law in their own homes? My parents laid down the law in their home, often in a way that my generation objected to (e.g. they wouldn't hear of my sister and her partner sharing a room before they were married, even though they lived together) but we had to accept it just as they had to accept what was laid down in their parents' houses.

Why shouldn't it go the other way. A person's home is supposed to be their castle as the old saying goes.

radicalnan..I wish my ils were like that, but unfortunately they are not ones for helping out, its just not in their nature. Not everyone is a doer unfortunately and my il's are glass half empty types and it can be exhausting having to listen to that day in day out. I don't see why I should put their needs above the needs of my baby, it doesn't make me controlling, it makes me want to be a good mother to my child

My mother used to say 'Don't meet trouble halfway'

Baby could be up to 10 days late of course.

Won't add advice, but know exactly how you feel. I had too many disruptions years ago. We gave our daughters breathing space before we visited.

MILs helping isn't always much help anyway. I remember the one time my MIL stayed to look after our dogs when we were on holiday. We arrived home to the lounge crawling with maggots as she had given the dog a bone and it was covered in them. She proudly told me how she understood that I couldn't keep a house as clean as she could and she hoped I wasn't offended at the housework she had done. I couldn't help mentioning that the house was populated with maggots when we left and the rest of the house looked exactly the same.

I have a great relationship with my DsIL and my SIL because I'm not self obsessed and am happy to listen to them.

I had 8 days in hospital after my first, 45 minutes visiting a day with one visitor. Wednesday and Sunday we got an afternoon visit as well. By the time I got home I was ready for visitors but young mums now get kicked out a few hours after delivery and they need some peace and quiet.

I remember my mother saying how much harm Princess Diana had done other mothers when she was leaving hospital a few hours after having William with her hair done and make up on. All very well if you are going home to a nanny and housekeeper and cook, not quiet the same for the rest of us.

Babybawn you are being reasonable, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are kind to let them see the baby and don't worry about all the emotional blackmail, "They could die." Well yes they certainly will as will you one day but it doesn't mean they get to call all the shots.

Should have been the house wasn't populated by maggots when we left. It certainly was when we got back.

This is a bit like having a birth plan. Things change and adaptations need to be made. You might feel very different when you have the baby and want to introduce him/her to the family. I was thrilled with mine and wanted to share the joy. You also have the added pressure of family from abroad. Your baby might be two weeks late. Many are and they might only get time for a quick visit before heading home. You might have a quick labour and feel great afterwards, you might have a different experience. There are so many variables that it’s difficult to make hard and fast rules. Why not go with the flow and make judgements about visitors etc. after the birth? My visitors were all thoughtful, brought food and made tea. My only rule was that I did no catering whatever. If they wanted a drink, they had to make it. Nobody ever outstayed their welcome.

Babybawn.....ever heard of Karma?

You are enlisting strangers to wage war with your in laws by proxy.

You will soon be someone's mother. Get a little wisdom going now..........you sound a little spoilt and whiney to me.

They are coming, make the effort, it really isn't all about you. The way you approach things can shape the way they turn out. Your husband is a product of their parenting and you love him.

So many young mums now with PND because they have fixed ideas about how it will all be. Plenty of us had new babies in one room, shared bathrooms with neighbours etc. Whatever your circumstances, you will get what you expect (unless an emergency happesn which it won't) expect some fabulous time with them.

This is the beginning of a new pathway for you all, litter it with rose petals.

One day you will be the MIL see how karma works for you then.

I don't really understand this, having read thread after thread about how grandparents must walk on eggshells, say nothing, and so on. Is it different when there is a new baby?