Its been an interesting thread and I think I've found my answer...go with the flow and see how we’re feeling at the time being key I think. Feeling far more relaxed about things now and won't be putting pressure on us to do things that don't feel right for DH and our baby-to-be. That said, will be mindful that PIL’s will be anxious to see baby asap
One or two things that came out of the thread that I found very interesting is people’s perceptions of me, my ils and the term bonding, maybe I should have taken the time to clarify these things.
My instincts are telling me to not have people stay for the first two weeks once the baby arrives, something DH agrees with. That is assuming that things go to plan and that we're home the next day of course. I know that things might not go to plan, but I'm an optimist and hoping things do, if things change then so will our approach. Why do we not want people to stay with us? Because we have a tiny flat, our bedroom is next to the living area and having 2 or more extra people in the house can make it feel like a nightclub. Why do we want bonding time? So we can figure out what we're doing as new parents without feeling overwhelmed and cramped with people in the flat. Once DH is back to work is when we would like people to stay as it will be company for me and peace of mind for him that I've someone to lean on. That may seem selfish and you may be right, but that is far helpful to us as new parents given our set up. Reading between the lines it seems that most posters had that time anyway as they were longer in hospital back in the day.
Someone mentioned back along that this generation is self-absorbed and I thought that was unfair. For one, I have worked since I was 15, saved every penny I had to get on the housing ladder and am a very family orientated person, despite my grumblings. All our annual leave, bar a cheeky babymoon, has been spent catching up with both sides of the family.
My ils are lovely people, but they can be very overwhelming as they are glass half full type of people and have a tendency to worry about anything and everything. I often see my DH get stressed out when they visit because he is trying to accommodate their every whim. Throw a new born baby into the mix and this could create the most stressful of situations should we back down and let them stay immediately after the baby arrives. Again a couple of people told me to grow up and stop being precious, but I think that is ill advice unless you know those involved because it could lead to a breakdown in good relations, something I'm very keen to avoid.
I think people jumped the gun when I asked what a reasonable timeframe was for visits. People assumed I was the DIL from hell. I tried to outline how ils are, not to be nasty (sorry if it came across like that), but to give you insight into how things are and how that can influence a situation. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to have IL’s who get on with it, but sadly they aren’t like that. At times it feels like we’re their parents and they are our children.
I know that they’ll be upset that they can’t stay with us and I know that they will be upset if we say now is not a good time to visit, but our baby and good relations has to be the end goal here. I like the idea of getting them involved with little tasks… making dinner and bringing that over or letting us go for a nap while they babysit a sleeping baby.
I want to thank everyone for their kind wishes and input, it means a lot even if some of it was hard to digest. 
Gransnet forums
Relationships
OK, so i posted on here before and thought the advice I got was pretty good so thought I'd come back for some more
We're about to have our first baby and because my family live closer country wise I told them that there was no need to rush to book flights and visit us because after the baby was born we wanted the first two weeks to be about me, my husband and the baby and that after that they were welcome to visit if it suited them or they wanted to, no pressure.
It might have been selfish of me, but I thought it would be nice for my husband to enjoy his paternity leave without having to share the baby with my siblings (my dad is elderly so it would be hard from him to make the trip and sadly my mother died last year, but even if she was alive I wouldn't have asked her to be there for the birth and would have suggested a similar timeline) and they could keep me company when he goes back to work, which they were fine with and totally understand.
When my IL's, who live further away, suggested that they come over my DH told them our plan, but they booked anyway saying they want to visit their other grandchildren and that the timings worked for them. The silver lining here is that they won't be staying with us.
Once they'd booked they kept saying things like lets hope the baby arrives on time so am guessing that they are not down with our plan and will be expecting to visit. My husband says that we should stick to our plan, but they live far away and I don't think its unreasonable to let them visit (even if its frustrating that they didn't respect our wishes) as it would be lovely for my DH to have that 3 gen photo op at the very least and to be lucky enough to introduce his child to his parents.
My question is how many times should we allow them to visit? They are here for 2 weeks, arriving 3 days after the due date. My MIL can be overbearing and passive aggressive if she doesn't get her own way and it can be quite stressful having her around. She's someone who sees her needs as more important than others so won't be someone who'll roll up their sleeves and help out but rather expect to be waited on hand and foot so less is more if you know what I mean. While I want to be fair, I also want those two weeks to be a lovely experience for my husband and I and not marred by them constantly wanting to visit and getting worked up if we say no, so anyone have any suggestions on this one?
Every best wish for your forthcoming birthing, bb! You don't have to defend yourself against the screechers on here.
It would be nice if you could possibly find the time to come back on here when you are settled with your baby and The First Visits are over and let us know how you are and how baby is.
I feel sad that young parents want to impose rules on people who love them and only want to show that love by being a part of their lives...But then I WAS born in the middle of the last century so what do I know !!
paddyann and that is the other most important point.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »