Slight PIL problem

What a flood and variety of of of views posted here. The most important thing will be taking care of yourself and your baby. Babies arrive when they are ready regardless of anyone else's plans or flight bookings so that is already an unknown. Post delivery you will be hormonal, tired with erratic nights and establishing feeding if you plan to breastfeed and new mothers and babies need peace and quiet to do this. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. It sounds as though you have discussed your concerns openly already. Most of the managing of visitors is going to be up to your husband so he will be responsible for protecting you, managing his parents, ensuring visitors don't overstay, making the cups of tea etc. Prepare by ensuring you have nice biscuits or other treats ready in the cupboard to make this easier.
Perhaps not being quite so prescriptive about number of visits, times etc might be helpful in terms of long term relationships. Sometimes less said is better. Whoever your visitors are, when you are tired (or just plain old over them) just retire to your bedroom and close the door saying you and baby are tired, baby needs a feed, sleep etc. That leaves it up to your husband to spend time with his parents, make tea if required or tell them he needs a nap too.
Hope you have a good delivery, enjoy your baby and as others have said, go with the flow as much as you can. It's certainly a good way to start as life will never again be quite so neat and tidy and predictable once your baby arrives.

Gosh when i had my first baby in the 70s i was in hospital for 14days as had a section birth.
As we all know times have changed since then.
I have noticed how things are different when a DIL. has a baby,as there mother gets more time with said grandchild/children.

Sensible post Apricity

Don't get too wound up about it babybawn, it won't do you or the baby any good and it may only be for a few days of a
couple of hours visits anyway.
Then you can , say 'it was lovely to see you' and shut the door.

Bawn, I'm another one who missed the part where you said your mum has passed away. So deeply sorry. Also see that your dad can't really make the trip, anyhow. Sorry about that, too.

But, in that case, I supppose MIL & FIL can't quite be compared to the rest of your foo (family of origin). They are gps, not aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., so perhaps a little more impatient to meet the new baby. However, not all gps are pushy about it. As you say, your own mum wouldn't have been. While it's kind of you to care about your ils' wishes, you still don't have to accommodate them.

It's true, they may be the only active gps in your child's life. But that's just more reason, imo, to see that they respect boundaries.

Reading this thread, I'm afraid I see a major reason why so many parents and gps have issues. So much talk about what mil needs/wants/will probably do, etc. So much talk about what this one did or how that one's mil was such a help, etc. But this is not "this one" or "that one." This is babybawn and her dh, and baby-to-be.

So much effort, too, to get a mum-to-be to put her and her dh's feelings aside for the sake of the gps. So much pooh-poohing of parental boundaries and parents wanting to be in charge in their own home. Not everyone saying these things is estranged and not everyone who is estranged was so disrespectful of the younger couple's wishes, I know. But from what Iv seen and heard, this dismissive attitude towards young parents is exactly the kind of thing that often leads in the co direction.

Not that bawn said anything about cos. No reason that I can see to say she dislikes her mil either. She and dh BOTH asked BOTH sides of the family to give them the first 2 weeks alone. The ONLY difference is that everyone else complied while mil (and fil) refused to. And yet, bawn is trying to figure out how to compromise with them. That doesn't sound like hatred of mil to me. That sounds like mil (& fil) disrespecting their ds & dil and their dil trying to make the best of it.

And worst of all, imo - so much, "This isn't just about you!" Really? A pregnant woman who will be a new mum at the time? Should she really put other people's needs ahead of her own and her baby's? I''m sorry, but what a new baby needs most is relaxed, confident parents, not frustrated parents who feel disrespected in their own home. It isn't bawn who's trying to dominate anyone, it's her mil.

And how about dh? If he wanted his parents to be there when they wanted, I'm sure we would be hearing a lot of, "What about your husband? Don't his wishes count?" But he's more against the visit than bawn is, iows, he's less willing to accommodate mil. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that so many (not all) gps here are brushing his wishes aside.

Again, it's just these attitudes, this dismissal of the ac and cil's feelings, that ends up in so many (not all) of the estranged relationships we hear about today. Maybe that makes this generation of parents "spoiled" and "selfish" as some gps think. But, imo, it just means they are braver than many of us were and not willing to take the boundary-crosses we grit our teeth and put up with. I don't advocate cos, but there is something to be said for taking a stand for one's own wishes concerning one's own life and children.

Ok, rant over. Now, I'll shut up for a while, lol!

babbawn I was reassured reading your reply to me. Yes, go with the flow and remember you’ll have lots of time with baby.

You will have read every possible range of opinion on here. From your reply I am confident you will pick your way those the minefield of motherhood and managing relationships. And I’m especially sorry you won’t have your own mother there to support you.

I wish you a good labour and a healthy baby x

nannyof4 the OPs mother is dead, this isn't about her mother having more access to the baby it is about her PIL ignoring the wishes of her and her husband.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, as they have said, the DPIL have arranged to fly out to see their other grandchildren at a time that works for them and presumably the DGC’s parents, and are just hoping they can get a glimpse of their new DGC at the same time.

I wonder what their reaction would be if they knew they were the subject of so much wild speculation on here.

What a coincidence that the dates work like that. They have made it pretty clear that intend to ignore the wishes of the parents and fully expect to see the baby even though they have been told it won't be convenient.

And people say the young are self centred.

Well you obviously know them personally, 123flump, good to have your insight.

I’ve just noticed, OP, while looking again, in vain, for the evidence that they have made it pretty clear that intend to ignore the wishes of the parents and fully intend to see the baby, etc, that in one post you say they won’t be staying with you, in another that they will have to stay with you in your tiny flat. Which is it?

My daughter and son in law said the same before having their first daughter two years ago. They said this months before the birth that they wanted some time on their own to bond and we would have respected that. My daughter was taken into hospital with preeclampsia and was induced at 37 weeks culminating in an emergency CS. They asked us to visit in hospital as baby wasn’t feeding and my daughter still had high bp. They were stressed from birth and wanted family there. When they came home when baby was 1 week old we left them to bond but after a day or so when we suggested bringing meals over or doing shopping they jumped at the chance of some help. Baby only slept in someone’s arms so between us and in laws we did shifts to give them a break. Their second baby is due in May and there is no mention of restricted visits.

The point of my story is you don’t know what your birth will be like or how you will feel. You don’t know if your baby will take to feeding and sleeping straightaway or will need time to adjust. Don’t make rigid plans and wait until baby is here. If all is fine then I would suggest short visits as you will be exhausted. Ask for help either with bringing food or shopping or making tea. You should not be waiting on them as you normally would with visitors. If your relatives and ILs are understanding all should be fine. If not then just say you are too tired and so long as they have had at least one visit over the two weeks leave it at that. Babies rarely appear on schedule though. Luckily both us and my son in laws parents are local. I would encourage lots of visits as baby gets older. So many grandparents living far away have little time with their DGC.

I don’t think bawn said her PiL would be staying with her Maggie, in my opinion that would be absolutely out of order, despite my own experiences. The new parents should be allowed to get on with being new parents, as is their wish, but again my opinion only, I think it would be entirely wrong to deny the new grandparents the opportunity to meet their new grandchild. Bawn, you may find when your baby is born, that you can’t wait to show him/ her off. I fully realise that you will feel very sad when baby is born because your own much loved mother will not be there to greet him/ her. It was MY mother I wanted to see my new baby and I was less worried about my MiL. I said in my other post I now realise this was selfish, but I was young and many miles away from my mum, and I wanted her to see this beautiful child I had given birth to. It didn’t help my situation at all that my PiL wanted to stay as guests in our home, and although I suggested a B+B, DH (also young and inexperienced) said it was unreasonable as my own parents had stayed.
Star lady, you are not cut off from your grandchildren, please do not draw any analogies between cut off grandparents and this thread. I am not a cut off grandparent either, but the cut off grandparents on the other thread do not need you to start to blame them, even if you qualify it by saying ‘not all’ grandparents bring it on themselves. The reasons grandparents become cut off are many and varied, and almost never because the grandparents were too demanding. Mental health is a big reason, controlling partners is another, over controlling parents can be another (see recent thread about a grandma who cares for her grandchild one day a week, and the list of rules and constant criticism she has to put up with, or another thread that is about a grandma who isn’t even allowed to take her grandchild out when she cares for him) and you will soon realise that in today’s world, with today’s values, many grandparents are considered unimportant, dispensable, not of any value, and without the nouse to care for a grandchild for a few hours without a minute by minute prescriptive timetable.
Bawn, have your baby, enjoy your baby, but give the grandparents a couple (or more) of short visits whilst they’re here, they certainly won’t be interfering grandparents, they don’t even live in the same country. I’m so sorry your own beloved mother won’t be here to share this wonderful time with you, but allow your baby’s other grandparents to be grandparents to him or her during the limited contact they will have with him/ her.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP.

I think that your DH needs to take things in hand and put you and the new baby first. This is definitely the time to stick to your guns and let them know when it's convenient for them to visit.

With DD2 I was home the day after having her, and 20 minutes later my whole family turned up, and even brought their friends with them. I was tired and sore and really just wanted to spend time with my baby. They even ordered a takeaway, and made so much noise that they woke my new DD up.

Luckily for me, the HV eventually turned up, gave them a lecture about giving me some peace and quiet and then turfed them all out God, I loved her for that.

DJC I know exactly what you mean as the same thing happened to my DD but this is just two grandparents who will be calling in for an hour or two on a few days during their trip from overseas then going back home again.
Then the OP and her DH will have all her own family visiting.
In my experience there is no routine with or without visitors in the first couple of weeks after a birth anyway.

All this talk of 'boundaries' 'disrepect' is American psychobabble.
What happened to families and love - and excitement? They seem to get lost in all this angst.

I can't believe how venomous some of these posts are! Your baby your rules!! I had my first baby 46 years ago followed by twins 3 years later and when I got home from hospital I remember being exhausted by visitors wishing they would all just leave me alone for a few weeks but I was too young and naive to say anything and that was after ten days in hospital. I waited until my DD asked for my help (which admittedly was not long after the birth!) the same with DDIL- having been privileged to be at the birth at her request of my 2 DGD's babybawn you sound like a very considerate lady and your wishes should be respected especially as your husband is in total agreement. Be firm but fair. Enjoy your new baby and best wishes to all three of you

I had short visits to my daughters house when her babies were born. On more than one occasion I was able to hold and pacify baby in another room so Dd and Dsil could sit down and eat a meal together. I was pleased to help in any way I could but never stayed too long.

I suspect that if MiL weren't quite so overbearing, that it wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, she sounds like hard work.

In my experience it has always been the norm for FAMILY to be involved at the birth of a new baby.When my sister was born at home ,my mother and the midwife were in a bedroom and the rest of the family were congregated in the kitchen drinking vast amounts of tea ( and the odd whisky for the uncles) That was my mothers mum ,and her 4 siblings and their partners ,my dad and my two older sisters and me .Those Aunties saw us every day ,they took us to the park, the cafe for ice cream ,,as it was just after the war the brought their fruit ration for us ,they knitted and sewed for us and they bought school coats and underwear as my parents were the only ones in the whole family who had children.Thats the way I grew up so it was just normal for me to do the same when my C were born and my GC everyone welcome to share the joy .I feel sad that young parents want to impose rules on people who love them and only want to show that love by being a part of their lives...But then I WAS born in the middle of the last century so what do I know !!

Paddyann and jalima, you’re both quite right in my opinion, but it is of course, just my, and your, opinions.

Maddy, when did I say anything about blaming egps on the other thread? There are many egps, these days, sadly, and they are not all here on GN. I know many gps are co unjustly. And some of that can be due to mental illness or a controlling partner, etc. But when I read on mn, I see many complaints about gps disrespecting boundaries by young women who have co their parents or pils or are being advised to do so. Also, I know this was the problem with a couple of my egps friends or at least part of it. How do you know how many gps are co or not for this reason as opposed to others? Have you done a survey?

You don't know the main reasons for cos and neither do I. But I do know that the tendency to dismiss the younger parents' boundaries and such is one of the reasons often cited on mn for pushing gps away and going lc or nc. Bless bawn, she doesn't seem to have any interest in doing that. But I'm relating it to this thread because I see so many posters here expressing this attitude, which I know from mn and a couple of my egp friends is an attitude that does lead to some gps being co.

Nothing specifically "American" about "boundaries" or "disrespect," Jalima, I'm mainly referencing Mumsnet, which is, of course, basically a British website like Gransnet. It may be "psychobabble' to you, but if this is what young parents are coming to believe, imo, it does us gps no good to pooh-pooh it. They control access to the gc, not us. Right now, fortunately, bawn's mil doesn't seem to be in any danger of being co. But if gps continue to brush off the idea of parental boundaries, etc., I'm afraid more of us are going to end up that way.

I don’t think bawn said her PiL would be staying with her Maggie, in my opinion that would be absolutely out of order

Bawn did say in the OP that they'd be staying elsewhere, maddy, but yesterday morning she posted:

both families can't just pop in to say hi, they would have to stay with us and what with it being a tiny flat I think that could be a very stressful situation so at least two weeks breathing room will give us time to get to grips with our newbie without the added pressure of having to entertain guests.

I agree, it would be completely out of order for the PILs to expect to stay so soon after the birth. But do they, or do they not?

In my experience, the vast majority of young parents, including Mumsnetters, enjoy the give and take of family life, wouldn't dream of co-ing their nearest and dearest, and have their own very healthy "disrespect" for psychobabble.

Have you done a survey yourself star lady, as to why some grandparents get cut off? No, thought not! You and I can only conjecture as to why grandparents become estranged, but there undoubtedly many reasons such as I some of the ones mentioned, but it is you who brought up the cut off subject, not I. I responded to what you had written in this thread and on other threads. I don’t think this poster is remotely interested in cutting off the baby’s grandparents, thankfully because ‘not respecting boundaries’ is never a reason for a parent to deprive their child of one entire side of it’s family and heritage. It teaches the child that family don’t matter, are unimportant and irrelevant, and not valued. It gives out very poor messages about how to manage relationships, it teaches children to be bitter and to ignore rather than resolve conflict. Cut off is never the way to resolve conflict and to deprive children of their grandparents is never right (except abuse cases, which we’re not discussing)
Bawn, enjoy your baby, and allow his/ her grandparents to meet him/her and enjoy him/her too, it’s the right thing to do, and underneath all this, I think you know that.