Strange little characters corners along the road of estrangement!

Thank you Madgran77 and yes, Luckylegs9, I suppose it is.

grannyactivist that is very sad and I do understand what you are saying. Every situation is unique and the way people deal with it has to be very personal. I hope the time comes when you can be reconciled.

Joannab I never called my D or S nasty, I said what they did was! I call my niceD nice because she is and also it differentiates between my two D, if I only said D, no one would know which one I meant and would ask. I loved my 3 C equally, but now 2 have decided to estrange for more than 5yrs, how could I now love them as much as the one with me, who hasn't decided to destroy me, their loving kind mother.
There is no room in my heart for anger because it's full of sorrow, grieving & hurt for the C I loved with all of my heart and soul, never did or said one word or deed against them. I cry each and every day for my beloveds, my eyes may not tear but heart cries each and every day .
Not one day of rest from this grieving nightmare, cause; no reason other than jealousy from my estD and his mother. My poor little GD taken from being the most loved, adored and cherished little girl in the whole wide world, to being an unloved step child. My estD's husband doesn't care what damaged his done to my precious GD, it's not his child, his mother doesn't care what damaged has been done to my precious GD, it's not her GD!

Grannyactivist so terribly sad, my heart goes out to you. I couldn't do as you do, follow what my estD is doing in her life that doesn't include her loving mother & sister, and the rest of her family that loved her so, too, too painful. I hope your estD wakes up very soon, to the fact she has a wonderfully caring mother and grandmother to her children and comes back into the love that awaits her.
Good Bless you

first post above should read;
^ estD's husband and his mother^

Yogagirl you don't see your GD, I don't know why you always insist she isn't loved. She might be adored by her mother, step father and his family, you can't know if you have no contact with them. It might help you if you accept that she might be having a wonderful happy life. Sad that you aren't part of it but great for her.

grannyactivist you say; But which of us has never made bad decisions mine was going to court!

Yoga you did what seemed right at the time. It might have worked as it has for others, hindsight is wonderful but not doesn't help when we are making the decisions.

Flump if you love someone you don't ripped them away from their real family that clearly love them so and they them, that includes my estD. They may have love for my GD, & I hope they do, but they don't love her as we do. When his son was born, his mother was going around saying Oh, our first GC, our first GC in front of my D&GD, so I think that says it all.
Of course I hope she is having a happy childhood, but I'll bet she feels something is missing, as a twin does if separated from birth, they always 'know'. Also, as some adopted children feel, they are nothing like their family and ask themselves 'why?'

..and that Oh our first GC ... was in front of me too!

I wouldn't condemn someone for being excited when their GC is born, she didn't have that with your GD even if she loves her. Your GD might feel something is missing but she might not. She is with her mother and her half brother so not the same as adoption.

I'm not sure how you measure love, if they love her they love her, it isn't a competition about who loves her most or whose love is best.

I think the reasons for estrangement are complicated, your daughter and her husband might have a very different view, in fact they must have or they wouldn't have done it. Perhaps they thought friction between the adults was damaging and that the negatives outweighed the positives.

Yogagirl. How do you know you gd is not loved? You can't know that after 5 years. I am sure your d loves her and wants the best for her. Her life sounds very different to yours and mine, but that doesn't mean there is not love there, it will be all she knows, she will have nothing else to measure it by. I don't think that estrangement is done to cause anyone pain and hurt, they just think for whatever reason, which we don't know if they don't tell us, it's the only way to live life their way. After a long period apart I think the harder it is to reconnect. However you can always hope.

Flumb there was no friction between us, nothing that I knew about, this all started with a huge argument between my D & her H, I was pulled into it by him phoning me every half an hour, until I returned early from my holidays with my ND, to help, by that time my now estD was at my house, absolutely traumatised, as he & his mother had her picked up by the police and put in a mental hospital, where she spent the night!

Flump there are all sorts of different forms of love and to say about competition If you were in my shoes you would understand. What my estD's H & his mother have done to my GD and my D is not love!

Granyactivist thinking about your situation, I now understand how you can 'let go' [for want of a better phrase] as you did have the joy of watching your GC grow to be teenagers, I was robbed of that, if mine had been in my life till then, I would have reacted very differently too. The new baby you have never seen, so no bond there, I'm sure it still hurts though. I spoke to my ND about this, and I said if my estD had another baby it wouldn't effect me at all, strange but true.

Lucklegs try saying that to Madeleine McCann's mother, about whoever is bringing up her precious daughter.

Footnote;
Of course I know my estD loves her D, my GD, and that her half brother loves her too.

Also Flumb when my D's m.i.l said those words Ooh our first GC she looked at me and said oh, you now what I mean D and I replied that I did.

grannyactivist Do you and your estD live in different countries? Yes it's tragic that because your D didn't get on with one family member she then decided to cut herself, and her C, off from her mum and everyone else in the family, that doesn't make sense, she should have just made sure that the person she didn't want to see wasn't at the 'Do' whatever it was or if they were, not go herself, surely that would have been better than a total cut-off!

Do you think her husband had a hand in the estrangement? and as your GC are in their late teens or early 20s, why can't they visit & phone you themselves with no involvement with their mother?

My daughter is in the same country, but lives three hundred miles away. She got divorced around the same time as our estrangement and I got on very well with her ex-husband. My grandchildren were seven and eight years old when I last saw them and I have made the decision not to try to contact them directly because I don't want to put them in a situation where they may feel disloyalty to their mother.
I do feel very sad that I have a granddaughter that I've never seen, but I have accessed photographs of her and watched her grow - she seems like a sweet little girl and is obviously close to her mum. There are lots of photo's of just the two of them doing nice things together.
On Christmas Day I had an answerphone message from my daughter wishing me a Happy Christmas, so I hope that my continued patience is one day going to pay dividends. My daughter is not a bad person, she had a difficult teenage and was deeply affected when her father left us. I certainly made mistakes as a parent and I feel very sorry that she obviously felt that she couldn't share the difficulties she was going through twelve years ago.

Yogagirl I have grandchildren aged from teenagers down to babies, I don't know why you think it would be easier to lose contact with the teenagers. I think knowing someone for 13 plus years makes it harder, well it would be for me. Sad if I was cut off from one of the babies but would be much harder to lose the teenagers as we have such strong relationships. I know the teenagers would miss me, the littlest ones wouldn't notice and the preschoolers would soon forget me.

Do you maybe not like teenagers much?

grannyactivist, that sounds really promising. I have my fingers crossed for you that it was a first step and there will be more to follow.

Very sad Grannyactivist I do feel for you. Yes I remember you saying about the phone call at Xmas, that was really wonderful after all that time, so maybe this year your patient waiting will pay off, but what a waste of 12yrs!

No I don't dislike teenagers Flump in-fact I look at young girls and boys of all ages, not just the ages of my lost GC, and imagine them as my GC, with a lump in my throat.
The best time between GP & GC is from baby, toddler & pre-school age, this is when the GC really love their grandma or granddad, they are the centre of their little world, along with their parents and siblings. Once they start school, they begin to move in another direct, towards their friends and then after school activities, so gradually spending less time with grandma/dad, only natural.

I'm not saying they love their grandma/dad less, but this is a fact, as told often on GN by those GP still in the lives of their GC. I know my GD and I would have had a special bond forever, but still she would be busy with other things as she grow, same with my GS. Of course it's still tragic & hard to loss them when their older, but those first 6yrs or so are the ones that are magic! Also if their older, less time till they can contact you themselves as they will remember you.

No I don't agree, not in my case. My teenage grandson comes round after school, tells me things he doesn't want to tell his parents, gets me to take him shopping. The little ones are lovely but as for a relationship I think the teenage years are when a grandparent can be really important as obviously parents are not always the ones they want to confide in.

I certainly don't think grandparents are the centre of a little ones world, that is the parents role not the grandparents.

Sounds wonderful with your grandson Flump, I would hope this is how my GD would be if we had been allowed.

Well I was certainly the centre of my GD & GS's world and am with my GD from my ND now, as I say along with their mum & dad and siblings of course.

The day I was told to "f* off!" by my nasty s.i.l, my little GD was desperately trying to open the front door for me, looking about for help to open it, trying to open it herself. It must have been locked, as normal she was able. But that scene sticks in my mind & heart, as I think 'was I the only one that gave her love and attention' as she was always so very pleased to see me, giving me hugs and kisses and saying I love you nannies

My GC are all loved and well looked after, but they are always pleased to see me and tell me they love me. Even the teenagers and it isn't automatic with teenage boys. I think your GD is probably very loved, from what I have seen of gypsy people they can be tough on the boys but the girls are made a great fuss of and very protected. Hopefully things will get better and you can rebuild relationships.

Yogagirl, I have mentioned this before. But I wanted to let you know how hurtful and upsetting it is to read you talk of "real family" and saying how your granddaughter's step father and his mother (her grandmother) are not her "real family" due to the fact they are not blood related. As an adoptive parent of four children, now adult, and also a grandmother, and a foster carer, I wanted to tell you that my children are REAL,my grandson is REAL- and I am their REAL mother and REAL grandmother. I am so grateful that I remain their REAL mother, and even though my daughter decided to trace her biological family in order to try and get information on a medical issue, myself and her REAL father were beside her when she did this, and if anything has strengthed our very REAL bond.

I am sorry for the horrors you have been through and how much you are hurting, but your words, no doubt unintentially hurt others too.