Strange little characters corners along the road of estrangement!

Yogagirl I'm sorry that you have made the decision to withdraw from Gransnet and hope that you will reconsider. Your posts are full of anger and pain, which is in some ways understandable, but I think you may be finding it hard to accept that other people's responses to, and feelings about, estrangement are equally valid. We are all different and we deal with things differently, not better or worse, just differently. My husband is both an adoptive father and a step-dad - and he adores ALL of his children, equally, however he came to be their parent. You may not be able to do that, but it doesn't mean that others can't.

Very sensible post grannyactivist.

Joannab, your post to Yoga girl reads as very judgemental and quite nasty. Estranged parents have enough pain without being attacked by other estranged parents who see themselves as somehow superior because they view their EC differently. Our circumstances are all different. Our EC are different too. Some of them are not very nice people, including my ES. He has had an unpleasent side to him since he was a child. I couldn’t see it until he was a young adult as I adored him. When I recognised his intolerance and dismissal of others who didn’t meet his special standards, I encouraged him to think about things differently, give others a chance etc. Eventually, of course, his harsh judgement was turned against me. So, I can say with confidence that my son is a little shit. God only knows what kind of parent he will be when his kids hit adolescence and disagree with him.

There is a lot of judgement on this thread. I urge you not to preach to others already suffering the pain of estrangement. You don’t know better than us. You simply have a different experience. So good for you!

Stella14 I can't see a post from Joannab, not sure if something is going on or I am losing it.

123flump, it’s on page 1

Thank you craftynan, I checked pages 2, 3 and 4. Thought 1 was too old. Serve me right for thinking!

Stella, I am an EP / EGP myself and have walked the mile in the shoes of every other EP / EGP posting here and on the other estrangement threads. I too have / still am experiencing the pain but have learned to cope much better than I once did.

I am sorry if my posting to Yogagirl offended her, you or any other poster but I was just pointing out that I find it very uncomfortable reading when our adult children, whether estranged or not, are labelled as being good or bad, nasty or nice. Indeed one poster (not Yogagirl) regularly refers to her estranged daughter as “horrid”.

I prefer to err with caution just incase my EC is reading this public world wide open to all forum.

I love my children unconditionally though their behaviours towards me, estranged or not leave much to be desired.

But isn’t that human nature ?

At the end of the day nobody is perfect.

I know I’m not.

Joannab, I understand where you are coming from. I’m just suggesting that you pause before posting in a judgemental way about others. You have walked in your shoes, not theirs and not mine. You avoid saying anything negative about your EC. Your child and you are different to other people. If someone says something about their EC that makes you cringe, why not just scroll by. Why do you instead think it’s okay to jump all over that person with your judgements?

Stella, the written word can be so difficult to put something over I find and I imagine were you and I having this conversation face to face you’d understand what I was trying to highlight.

I do cringe, you are right when I read EPs label their children on an open World Wide Web forum and hoped mentioning it might perhaps just give those that do, pause for thought as to how this might look to others and especially their EAC if they are reading the open forums too ?

Of course if an EP never wants to be reconciled and feels ok about calling their EAC derogatory names on an open public world wide for all to read public forum, fine, each to their own.

But if an EP does live in hope of reconciliation one day then I just don’t think an EP calling their EAC names on a public forum would endear their AC to consider reconciliation, that’s all.

I for one, no matter who I am at conflict with, whether that person is an estranged family member, non estranged family member, friend, work colleague would not post derogatory comments about them on an open world wide for all to read forum.

Would I like someone to do that to me publicly ? No.

But I get your point and if you feel comfortable with it, fine.

Stella14, as often happens, this thread has taken quite a turn from the original post. I'm afraid my original response wasn't quite explicit enough in saying that vicarious news of my estranged family allows me to rest easy because they're doing well and the door to reconciliation has not been permanently shut. The 'corners' you speak of are ones I recognise, but usually relate to the well-being of them all. I think it helps too that I have a very busy life, her siblings are very close to each other and to me - and I have other grandchildren.

Stella thank you very much for defending me xx
Joannab did wright a terrible post against me, but then defended me on another thread, which I thanked her for.

Joannab when I write estD that means estranged daughter, I've never called my D or S a bad name, I love them, but I don't love what they have done, without reason. As I've already said, I call my ND, [nice daughter], nice, because she is and it helps to differentiate between my 2 daughters. I call my s.i.l & his mother nasty because they are and I will only reconcile with my D,S & GC, when my estD is no longer with him and his family.
I did not call him nasty before he told my to "F* OFF", in fact it was months after, before this I thought we got on ok, and I always bigged him up on everything, including being a good dad to my GD. I leant his true colours afterwards.

"Also Flumb when my D's m.i.l said those words Ooh our first GC she looked at me and said oh, you now what I mean D and I replied that I did."

Yoga, could this have been a trick to get you to "admit" to favoring gd? I know you don't, but perhaps dil's mum used it to make it look like you did? She could have run to sil and said something like, "See? I pretended that I see gs as my only gc and Yoga admitted that she felt the same way vice versa!"

Jenpax, I'm sorry about your difficulties with your mum. Part of the problem may have been an inability to accept that you were becoming an adult and you're own person, not just some reflection of what she thought you "should" be or someone she could still mold her way. I can see the break was painful for you (and probably for her). But, obviously, it helped. Maybe it gave her time to think over her behavior. Maybe it changed her view of you. Whatever, glad your relationship was better, afterwards.

Sometimes, I think a break is good for both people in the relationship, even if it is hurtful at times. But how does one know if it's just a break or if they've been co for good?

Ok, now I see where the other argument between Yoga and Sue came from on the other thread. But Yogoa Sue didn't say this thread or the other was about adoption. She just said it hurt her when you spoke of gd's stepdad and stepgm as "not her real family." Because if blood is all that makes one "real family," then that would apply to adoptive as well as step family. At least that's how it seems.

But I think you explained yourself very well, as only speaking of gd's stepfamily, not all and not adopted families. So I hope that's all settled and that you both feel better about it. And I hope no one leaves GN unless they feel they need a little breather from talking about estrangement and such.

Ok, now I see where the other argument between Yoga and Sue came from on the other thread. But Yogoa Sue didn't say this thread or the other was about adoption. She just said it hurt her when you spoke of gd's stepdad and stepgm as "not her real family." Because if blood is all that makes one "real family," then that would apply to adoptive as well as step family. At least that's how it seems

Starlady you are 100% accurate in what I was trying to say and 100% accurate in what my motive was in writing it. Thank you. I've always been a bit of a rambler, why use one sentence when I can use dozen sentences instead (LOL) - I admire your talent in summing things up so succinctly!!

No, no trick Starlady I was being understanding with her, my GD is her GD by marriage only, both children are my blood GC.

Thanks for that starlady I tried very hard to explain to cornishsue, that I am talking about my GD's stepfamily only, not about anyone else, not about adoption or fostering. It caused so much trouble on the estrangement page

Starlady I think you make some very good points. I know with my husband and his mother her inability to accept he was an adult, even in his 50s, was the problem. I think it is maybe harder with an only child, as he was, or a small family. I know when my older two were hitting teens I was busy with two younger ones so didn't try to keep the older ones tied to me, again when the younger two were at that age I was busy helping with grandchildren. I honestly think it was helpful as I have seen friends with one or two children who wanted to be the "best friend" when that isn't what a mum is meant to be in my opinion.

Isn't there a saying about letting them go if you want to stay close, I know there was a song, "If you love them set them free."

Oh I don't know flump I don't think a mother should aspire to being her child's BF but when your children become adults it's nice to be counted as one of their friends as well as their mother.

I think it's all too easy for misunderstandings to happen from time to time Yogagirl. You and I know have 'known' each other for more than 5 years because of GN. I know your history inside out as you know mine.

Sometimes we forget that others don't know the full story so what we post can be misconstrued.

Smileless oh I think we should be friends. I just think a best friend fills a certain space and a mum fills another, if I had to choose I would always choose to be the mum, you might change best friends over a lifetime but mum is always mum.

My daughter's best friend is lovely and if DD is having a bad time we both support her in our own ways. Double blessing.

flump if only that were the case for me. ES has no more loyalty to his mum than his friends; perhaps even less.

Smileless that is sad. At least with mine I know they all have a really good best friend who is always there for them and vice versa. It is a comforting thought because we can't always be even if we want to and they want us.

flump

So true Smileless

Flump you are right, a mother/father has to be careful not to let the boundaries merge too much. But I do remember going out for the evening with my two wonderful, beautiful daughters, to celebrate NYE. We went to our local town and had such a good time together, such a laugh! I have a photo of this evening on my mantle piece, us three girls together, happy and laughing, we danced the night away, into the new year, till early morning!
Don't let on to my ND I told you this, but I wheeled her back home in an 'Icelands' shopping trolley, it was hilarious, everyone was walking home with us, finding it as funny as we did

123flump it is difficult my estranged daughter and I were so close, she even said once we were too close?
I told her everything and vice Versa,
This did me no favours when we applied for contact via courts she hit back with personal stuff I had told her in confidence and it still hurts me more than I can say she could do that to me,
An old friend the one who adopted 3 boys then had one of her own said your daughter is your daughter not your best friend. I suppose I had hoped we were both,

I must admit I never partied with her apart from her hen night she always went out with her peers.

Tend to agree with smilless not sure we should be best friends with our kids guess it's more tempting with daughters though,

Sadly 123flump I was mum for 28 years to my daughter then discarded so it was t for life ???

Our son who was always high achiever and travelling the world still is, off Afghanistan wed?Has proved to be the constant presence my rock I could never ever have dreamt it would turn out that way!

None of us know what lies ahead,