Living with a joysucker

I am afraid I have given up trying to please my DH about ten years ago when he was 58. He moans about everything and everyone. Complains if we have to go out ; even to see the children. His main complaint is that he knows anyone and no one in the village speaks to him. He has never made an effort to make friends because he did not have too. Work was his life and the people associated with it, now retired, he is stuck with me.
I have always gone out on my own or with friends, and have always invited him to join in but he refuses making up any old excuse. At the moment it seems he is happiest at home, on his own. It may change but I am not holding my breathe. There is no pleasing some people.

Think they all get a bit Victor Meldrewish as they get older. My DH shouts at politicians on the tv. And voices a loud opinion on every subject raised in the press preview on the news, which means I can rarely hear what the guests have to say. But I do have to say when we go out or on holiday he is enthusiastic and enjoys pretty much everything we do. So guess I'm pretty lucky.

Its a way of ensuring that everything revolves around him.
Worrying that he'll decide not to go, when its something important.
Constantly checking he's ok, worrying that he'll disappear and leave you stranded, or he'll cause a scene.
Then you find yourself ridiculously grateful for the odd occasion when he doesn't 'misbehave'.
Its violence of the mind, without ever laying a finger on you. Not even any shouting.

My other half is exactly the same, my job includes access to travel perks, I offered him to go away for Easter only had to buy flights he says it was up to me as I was paying he was not interested at all & now I’m back at work & wished I had gone by myself instead, will think long & hard before asking him again, I’m dreading it when I retire if this is anything to go by

This casts light on why my ex drove me up the wall!

Any argument/ difference resulted in several days non-speaking! I don't think I thought I was always right, but this resulted in my leaving in the end....

£24 for the car park !!

I'd leave him at home next time, and go with a friend. If he asks why...tell him....second thoughts....tell him anyway xx

I think something happens to a lot of men as they age. They get sort of insular and miserable and anti social. My DH isn't too bad (yet) as he still works but I am not particularly relishing his retirement. I think it will take some adjustment.

Yes, I have one of these at home. I now tell him he has sucked all the joy out of a day for me and then spend the next few weeks doing what I want with friends and family. He doesn't like it, but that's tough. I mean to live my life joyfully, with or without him.

AlieOxon
My Dad would ignore my poor Mum for hours, sometimes days on end. Once he left the London flat and drove down to their Kent bungalow without telling her he was going. She was nearly demented trying to contact him - ringing the neighbours etc. In the end she got a train herself and then a cab, both in themselves an event as she was not used to public transport!

He was so surprised when she turned up he started talking again.

This would now be mental cruelty and ground for divorce. I wouldn't have it, I'd end up bashing DH, that in itself grounds!

Sometimes I think I’m a bit like Seasider’s DP, especially if it’s my husband who is driving and deciding what we’re doing. I think it’s because I’m a bit of a control freak and like to make the decisions! He’s quite happy to go along with my choices mostly, but when I give him a chance, I’ll moan

I’m aware of my problem and do try to control it- then his choices turn out to be fine.

I think we could all swap husbands and we wouldnt notice the difference between them!

The other day when mine was moaning that he couldnt find anything in his toolshed (someone else has always messed it up), I quietly suggested it needed a sorting out. He retorted that I was in no position to criticise him and he could never find anything in my kitchen. Apparently, I am disorganised - he just loses things!

Mine's a miserable old bugger most of the time, he admits he 'doesn't do excited'.
DD's bringing her new boyfriend here next weekend and when I asked DH if he was looking forward to meeting him he said 'Not sure, I might not like him'. Wtf is that about? I'm really looking forward to meeting him, he sounds lovely and DD is so happy, why can't he be happy for her?
His DF was a miserable, argumentative man and, to my horror, he's getting more and more like him ?
I just do my own thing much of the time, I have a number of outings planned over the next few months and I can't wait!

When looking and listening to DH, I'm some times reminded of a couple of lines in 'Les Miserables' - ' Once I thought I'd wed a Prince, my God 'ave you seen what's 'appened since'?! Perhaps that's a bit unfair, but sadly my 23 year old prince is now a 78 year old slightly fussy, deaf but not!!!!! ( I mumble, apparently but no one else thinks so!!) not much fun really although he does try! clingy, old chap!! He would hate to go to the theatre, ditto the cinema, have a fit at the car parking costs, Jamie's would be a complete No No! So I would never go on this sort of outing with him, but always with a friend! Having said all that, he is kind, hard working, garden etc, loves the g.children, the dog! and curiously after 53 years me!! Even more curiously, I love him, warts and all!!
For us, over the years compromise has become the order of the day and it seems to work!

And sadly, apart from his BIL he doesn't have any friends. I wonder why?

My hubby has aspergers and absolutely no humour, even on a long cruise, he actually ruined every country with his unpleasantness. He seems to get irritated if I am enjoying myself or laughing. I have no good memories going back years, even France, Paris was ruined, Venice was plain horrible, such wonderful places too.

We tend to do the things we both enjoy together and go with other people instead to the things where the other might ‘suck the joy’ as you put it. I have always enjoyed the ballet and art galleries with girlfriends of like mind but recently my husband joined me to my surprise and, to his surprise, says he thoroughly enjoyed both outings. Hope this doesn’t mean he’ll expect me to enjoy a country and western evening but now I feel obliged to give it a go.

I feel your pain too , age has only mellowed him very slightly sigh......

Seasider I do hope this was a one off, he does seem to have been very ungrateful for the gift from your daughter. Maybe he was tired and a bit arthrickety, new word.
I hope it’s not the norm. Try to enjoy your things with other friends and he may miss you and make more effort as mine did

Message deleted by Gransnet at poster's request. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mine is lovely on a day out - providing he really wants to go. I learnt a long time ago that if he wasn’t particularly keen on an idea, just go by myself or with a friend. Otherwise he’s a total pain and ruins the day for all by constantly complaining - or by disappearing to the nearest bar until we’re finished.

My god there must be some very unhappy marriages out there , unless all those in the opposite camp just aren’t posting, can you understand why this thread is making me

Is he depressed? If so, he needs to see a doctor and get some help.

Otherwise, it is, as others have said, a form of abuse and bullying, and if he doesn't change his ways you should get out of the relationship - you deserve better.

How awful for you seasider - dare you answer back?
"If I'd known you were such a miserable old joysucker I'd never have married you!"
or "Jolly well buck up, you old misery-guts!"
If he refuses to see the sunny side, "Stew in your own juice, then," then walk away.
Blimey, my dear old hubby hardly ever complained, even when he had something to complain about.

I should add that I go to all family occasions, weddings, lunches etc on my own (my family, he doesn’t speak to his!) as he always wants to go hours before anyone else. So yes, Seasider, I know what you mean!