How can I comfort her?

"Someone he can open up to" sounds like he's feeling neglected. I suspect having a teaching career and a three year old doesn't leave much spare time. Maybe the sadness is because she knows why this has happened. Don't be too quick to judge him.

As hard as it is, just listen, listen and listen. Do not judge anyone, do not offer guidance, simply let her talk, cry, scream or do whatever she needs. I wish you all well, it is a thankless situation.

He is feeling neglected?
So he leaves his wife and three year old child so he can attend to his own needs, instead of staying and sorting it out with his wife particularly as she won't be at work for the next five weeks, and can devote all her attention to him!

This happened to my daughter. Be supportive, listen and give practical help and lots of love. Try to separate the deed from the person - he has done a terrible thing but that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person and get her to see this. My daughter was reconciled eventually and taking this stance means that I can have a relationship with my SIL which is very important for the GC.
As someone else has said - voice your opinions if you need to to a third party good friend, not to your daughter.

It’s very hard for us Mums in this scenario as we are like tigresses when anyone hurts our babies ! We want to heal their pain and seriously damage the cause of that pain. My DD had a baby with a man she adored but he was leading a double life and able to get away with it because he travelled internationally with his own Company. She found out and dumped him but was inconsolable for ages. Karma did ensue tho, 4 years later when she had met and was about to marry a lovely man ... baby father found out somehow and begged her not to marry, voicing regrets and saying how sorry he was and he still loved her etc She emailed him the most amazing response “ you ripped my heart out, you left me penniless and with a little boy asking me where his Daddy has gone .... there is no going back from that”. She is now blissfully happy and our little man has a new Daddy who is just lovely. Let your DD work thro her pain her own way and just be there, unfortunately it’s all we can do.

I agree with everyone else about not speaking your mind.
Just be steady and supportive.
Let’s hope the summer break allows your daughter time to recover a little from the pain and hurt and make some sort of plan for the future.

I know you are angry right now, but I think I must speak up in defence of men as I don’t think it’s quite fair to say “ like most men, he keeps his brain in his trousers” - though clearly, some men appear to...

I hope things settle for your family soon. Good luck.

Pamela - you must be so glad you kept your thoughts to yourself!

This happened to my dd, SIL left when baby was 2, because he didn't get enough attention. The only thing to do is be there for her, make no judgement but let the hurt filter through until the dust settles. When this happens and there was no reconciliation, after 2 years, my DD woke up and took control. At no time did any of the family make negative remarks, mainly for the sake of the child. It was never discussed but accepted that he was an selfish pig. Now 11 years on, he has not changed, never grow up. His son sees him every other weekend etc because DD did not want him to hero worship his father on the grounds he will see the real person eventually. So he is tolerated for the sake of our grandson. We are all polite but secretly hoping it will end someday but unfortunately this will not happen unless grandson wants it too.
It just makes my blood boil that such men can get away with abandoning their family and responsibilities, as to this date he has paid nothing for the up keep of his son, but that is discussion for another day.

It's a very sad time for your DD. I was left after 32 years, over 2 years ago. What really struck me was how supportive most people were to me, without badmouthing my now EX. I was struggling enough without having to deal with any negativity towards EX. Given time, your DD will get angry, but just be kind and gentle with her at the moment.

Jayemwhite Firstly I am so very sorry. This is terrible for all of you. May I suggest you just stick by her and try not to suggest how she should feel, especially at this early time when she is in shock? She will go through a gamut of emotions and will need strong support. Most of all, make sure you instil in her that this is not her fault and she has done nothing wrong. It is possible she will have feelings of self-doubt about this sometimes so be there to strengthen her. There is no reason why you may not let her know you are angry with him. Your more objective view of the situation will help her, but her feelings will be many and possibly confusing so please just be there for her and try not to force anything on her at this early stage.
I really am so very sorry for her and the children and you too. However, as we always say, if this is the kind of weak-willed, selfish, uncaring man he is, then they are better off without him. Many mothers and children have a better life without the immature and irresponsible father living with them. However, at first the children may feel abandoned and as if he does not love them and think they are to blame. I would advise your daughter to go to her GP and ask for Counselling support for her and the children.
Good luck to you all. Women are the stronger sex in my experience, your daughter will come through this and so will the children, just stick by them and show them you love them. With love to you all L.

I was in a similar situation to your DD, my ex walked out on myself & 4 year old DD (he couldn't cope with financial problems & his answer was to bury his head in the sand), he moved in with an older woman

I refused to say a bad word about him to DD & fortunately my Mum was the same, she was very supportive but kept her thoughts to herself. My Step-Dad although he said nothing to my DD did eventually let me know just what he thought, however I had divorced him by then.

My DD never forgave her F for walking out & adored my late DH after we met & married a few years later.

Just be there for your DD & DGD, keeping quiet but being supportive in practical ways

I have just read through this thread and as often is the case brilliant advice, support, love, be there. It is ALL we can do although we'd like to do & say all sorts of things to sil! They have to decide for themselves and no matter what we feel it is their life.

I feel your pain Jayemwhite, my daughter discovered two weeks ago husband had been playing away for 18 months, it started when her boy was 10 months old.

I am hoping and praying that she will be able to say sometime to him as Coconut said “ you ripped my heart out, you left me penniless and with a little boy asking me where his Daddy has gone .... there is no going back from that”.

Just love your daughter unconditionally and in silence (sooooo hard!)

Hugs

Sorry, not "children", but Grand daughter, or Child.

Seems the OP didn’t come back to comment on all the advice given makes me wonder yet again ?

How sad for you and your daughter. I feel for you. All you can really do is be there for your daughter and GD. Having support emotionally and practically will be a huge help to her. If you can help out financially if she needs it, at least in the short term, that may ease some of her worries. I'm sure she will cycle through a range of emotions in the coming times ahead and I'm sure anger will be one of them.

Tanith - do you suspect a journalist looking for easy copy - I sometimes see articles which may be coincidental but echo comments I've read on this site... perhaps adjudicators can keep an eye out?
But if genuine (and even if not) she has raised a subject that we all broadly agree on. Been there, got the tee shirt, kept my very loud gob shut (so difficult!!!), supported DS and grandkids and have a distant but civilised relationship with errant ex DIL and even the other man who caused my darling child so much pain. But has helped bring up DGC who are happy, well adjusted and high achievers. DS now also blissfully happy with new partner. These new 'nuclear' families (is that still current terminology?) get on better than our generation. Strength and to all going through the tunnel - there is much light when you come out of it if you follow sage advice given by others.

Well, the one good thing he did was wait until school was over so her work wasn't affected by her turmoil of emotions. Of course you will side with your daughter and support her to move forward but I think you need to accept there must have been serious problems in their relationship, which you didn't know about, for him to leave.

I'm not in anyway taking his side and I had the same thing happen to me a long time ago but I could see there were faults on both sides. No one leaves a relationship if they are happy. You will have to just wait and watch what happens in the future with their relationship but there will be no excuse for him not continuing to be a good dad.

Support your daughter. Always two sides to a story though.

peaches50 that very thought has come to mind lately, as you say a journalist/mindless/childish person stirring a pot of genuinely helpful grans just to sit back and watch the results but never repost.

I'm so sorry to hear this. My first husband left me woo was in labour with our second child for the same reason- he could 'talk' to the new woman. Like your SiL he was thinking with his willy.

I have to say I have no real advice for your daughter, but things WILL get better. I was devastated st first but it didn't take long for me to realise how much better off I was without him. She must just concentrate on her children and her own mental health and things will get better.

I wish her all the best. ❤️

Do let her be sad for as long as she wants, she needs to grieve for a while at least, and be sad with her. Maybe take your DGD on day trips so Mum can cry and scream all she wants whilst she is on her own for an hour or 2! Just adapt your support to what your DD and DGD need on the day.

Thank you for all your suggestions, I have tried hard to follow the main thread, of not saying anything derogatory about him, & certainly never would to DGD. I do really despise him for taking the ‘daddy’ out of her everyday life, & I pity him for thinking that the grass will be greener - because it never is! - & also for all the little family things that he will ever experience again. I don’t think he will come back , but he would never be trusted again. Have given my daughter lots of hugs, & all her friends are rallying round.

I am so sorry, a close relative and her husband have parted and we have all been very careful not to take sides, now there are signs they may get back together so I think the advice here is right.

It does seem quite common for men, who’ve been the centre of their wives lives for several years, to find it hard to cope when they have to share their wife and play second fiddle to demanding offspring. The majority get over it and readjust because the love they have for their partner and child is greater than their own needs. Some I fear can’t. If he’s not moved in with this other woman, it sounds as if he’s still trying to sort himself out. It’s early days.

Jayemwhite just be there for your daughter and granddaughter, if your daughter wants to talk, listen but don't make derogatory remarks about your son in law, they won't be well received.