I just want to make this clear

Just been reading this thread, and you realise that relationships are often very messy. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. My DH and I moved from Manchester to Cornwall with our two children nearly twenty years ago. The move was down to DH project here in the SW. There was a lot of upset in his family and relationships with siblings had broken down for a whole host of reasons. Needless to say when caught up in the emotions you don't always make rational decisions. My DH mother was caught up in the cross fire, and she suffered not only the loss of her grandchildren, but the anger that ensued from the goings on meant she didn't see our children for three years. The hurt we felt magnified the problem, we felt our hurt was justified. Well I can tell you now, although we made up just a year before our children's paternal grandma died, the sorrow I feel for not dealing with what had gone on in a less emotional and more rational way will haunt me to the day I die. My DH siblings were at the heart of the family discord, and things were said and done that involved stuff that in later life you realise doesn't matter, money, petty grievance, little things that hurt you at the time. So I know what it's like to part in anger and for that to grow and cause a divide that seems unsurmountable. The hurt I know we caused the Paternal Grandma has made me feel such regret it makes me ill, the last three years of that woman's life could have been so much better and we made it worse. I always got on very well with her, she came to my ante natal classes with me, she was there at the birth of her granddaughter. Sibling conflict was at the core of this upset. We made up, but the damage had been done. Now my own daughter is leaving with our two grandchildren to live five hours distance away. There is a little discord there as well, in that a considerable amount of money has been 'taken' in what is my daughter's 'recklessness' as opposed to nastiness, but I am hurting now like our children's paternal grandma hurt all those years ago. In feeling that hurt today the regret I have at having dealt badly with family upset in the past is actually making me ill. How could we have done that? how did we justify falling out at the already difficult time of departure? There are many facets to estrangement, but it's harder to bear when it's your own flesh and blood. My own parents were sad when we left but never made us feel bad, therefore I didn't 'get' what it's like to be left, the grown up child doesn't know on leaving what it does to their parents, it's only in hindsight when those affected are very old or have passed, that you gain the knowledge that you so wish you'd have had when you were causing this grief. High emotions get in the way of rational thought. I often think in my case, what comes round goes round, that maybe we get back what we deserve, but I do realise that in part that's nonsense, especially if we are inherently good people. I understand the hurt from both sides, and it sucks. Because I now have that knowledge I've chosen not to get angry at my daughter and her OH. Believe me it was a considerable amount of money and we don't have much as my husband is post stroke and no longer works, I work part time and care for him as well. Growing older throws some curve balls. What can I say that can make you feel better? sadly nothing other than there are many of us out there, there are those that seem to sail through life with great support when life throws these challenging times at us and others who seem to have to struggle through without much support at all. All I can offer is that I feel your pain, I can relate to it and I wont advise you to do anything, except get up each day and try your hardest to carry on, it's all we can do. When our children grow and have their own lives it's in the lap of the Gods, down to fate and personalities as to how those relationships work out. We can only do our best. Try not to let this hurt interfere with those who are around you. I really hope that you have at least one person who is helping you through this awful time. Take care, feel free to message any time, a problem shared and all.

That's a lovely post Stormer. Thank you for your honesty. Your regret at how you handled things is quite uplifting. Now also you are able to see things from both sides. I'm not convinced that everyone will regret the pain they dish out, a pain deliberately inflicted still shocks me, but it's lovely to know that some do.

Thank you Stormer for your post and for your honesty.

I'm very grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to read your story and for the comfort I've received from it. It is as you have posted Googoogool with regard to the pain that's been inflicted "lovely to know that some do" regret the pain they've caused.

Stormer, thank you for your post, it is so easy with hindsight to see the whole picture. You did make up a year before grandma died, you whilst you can't undo the past you know as a mother that we love unconditionally and she would just have been thrilled to have you all back. Now you must take a back seat whilst your daughter lives life her life her way.?
Smileless, your son has backed himself into a corner and lashes out, it's easier fir him to leave things as they are than sort them.
I have always felt regardless of who is right and wrong etc, at the end of the day who cares, pride goes before a fall and all that,it is worth reaching out. I did for that and tried everything. After years of estrangement, just knocking on that door and risking it being shut in your face, not to recriminate but to go forward despite the differences. Trouble is a lot of people just want to be right. I just wanted things to be right. If you have done everything and it hasn't worked you just have to get on with it, but it's hard, but it's their life.
Nannykay you are just hurting so much, you don't mean what you say. Of course it's better your child lives, even if they never see you again, I would in an instant give anything for my children, they come first, whether I see them or not. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child, the pain must be unbearable.

I didn't 'get' what it's like to be left, the grown up child doesn't know on leaving what it does to their parents, it's only in hindsight when those affected are very old or have passed, that you gain the knowledge that you so wish you'd have had when you were causing this grief.

That might be true in your case Stormer and I accept you didn’t know the pain you were causing. But it isn’t always the case. Having watched the pain my MiL suffered at the hands of one of her children, we, as a young couple, decided against emigrating, because we couldn’t ‘put her through it again’.

It’s not just with age that comes compassion and understanding.

Stormer, I think you make some great points! The perspective of the AC/CIL is often different from that of the parents/PILs. We all need to keep that in mind, I believe, when dealing with family conflict.

I applaud your decision not to get angry with DD. You might just chalk it up to experience and guard your purse more carefully, so to speak, in the future.

But please don't beat yourself up over the past. If it was a sibling conflict, there wasn't much you could have done. And one person can't be expected to solve these issues by themselves. Hugs!