Friends - or lack of.

I have the same issue as many of you and like Booklady I moved to a new area and although I tried joining different groups the women were cliquey and didn’t welcome me. I even went on an Alpha course which is a church group and after several months nobody tried to make friends with me. I’ve moved again and although it’s back to near where I used to live so I know a few women from there I don’t know anyone in the immediate area. My neighbour meets up with a few of the other women neighbours but doesn’t invite me to join them. I’ve recently joined the Red Hats in my area as they are a fairly small group. I joined a local WI but again they all knew each other and were cliquey. I think it’s hard making friends when your children are grown up.

I feel the same way Booklady. I have started doing some volunteering, and that helps me meet more people. But so far, none have developed into real friends.

I don't know what that makes some people more able to get and keep friends? Some natural way that makes them appealing to others. We all know that person I'm sure, who has loads of friends, seemingly without making any effort. Maybe it's a confidence thing?

This thread has made me feel a lot better about my embarrassing lack of friends! I moved to a small town in W Dorset 4 years ago, on my own, knowing no one. I've done my best to keep up with old friends but it's an occasional phone call/email always initiated by me. My family are far away and it's the odd text and weekly phone call. I've joined a few groups, U3A etc and am lucky to have a part time job, but I find the town full of groups of women,also on their own and a similar age who are just very cliquey and unwelcoming. It's hard to keep positive sometimes! I do make an effort to be smiley and outgoing although it's all becoming a bit of an uphill effort.

gillybob, it's sad but i am glad i have realised i am there to boost their ego so i suppose they need me! That's my positive for a bad situation. I too have tried local gransnetters but unfortunately none near enough for me.

I think attending 5 different primary schools helped me learn how to build friendships. I had to join in or be left out! I also come form a mixed heritage background & we often had strangers staying with us when I was little so I got used to meeting all kinds of people and also being rejected because we were a bit different. Not sure if that is why friends I have now are a varied bunch forming a wide social, ethnic, religious & political spectrum. Just know I am very lucky to have people I can rely on and who can rely on me if we need help. It is harder as we age, especially if naturally shy or anxious. Good luck in finding some good new friends.

Mercure Yes. In a word! I think it's because my friends live further afield, some have died. I can't get out very easily either. I live in a very pleasant road as far as the people go, and they would help me out, but are busy. My family are so far away and their week is completely filled with activities for the children let alone their own commitments.

I have learned to enjoy my own company. I don't even watch TV or listen to radio much now. I like the quiet life and am lucky to enjoy a pleasant garden. Except when the only bad neighbours in the road are stoking up a vile smelling barbecue. Heaven knows what they cook on it!

Peace perfect peace is really the aim of my life.

I think we can be too fussy too. When I moved to my present town I left all my friends there. Several people have tried to make me a friend but they either just want to talk about themselves or I find their views (eg gleaned from the DM) difficult to digest.

I’m quite happy with old friends from before just emailing, or phoning or coming for the occasional visit, a couple of friends on GN and my family.

Apart from that I quite enjoy my own space.

Yes sadly I can pink.

seacliff That is a lovely idea and would make a great app but can you imagin how this would be abused by fraudsters and con-men, a map of lonely vulnerable older people.

Some sad stories here. I often think, if only there were a clever device like a map of your area, and you could press a button when lonely and fancying a chat/cuppa, and it lights up. Then others near could respond.

I think there must be so many people feeling lonely, when they are within a mile or closer of a person feeling the same, who would welcome a chat.

With all the clever technology we have now, and the ever increasing older people, it would be great, but of course it's not as simple as that.

Sorry, missing word - as she sees it her own "brilliance".

When my husband retired we moved from Surrey which I loved to a place I have never settled.
Both of us are from small families but we have some close friends that we have kept in touch with but are now too far away to see without detailed arrangements being made.
Although I tried hard to fit in with a completely different outlook and way of life it has just never really worked - I was told by a fellow volunteer at a charity I became involved with that I would always be an outsider as locals don't need you - they have their families.
About 10 years ago I got to know another non local who was good fun had many similar interests and for several years I really enjoyed her company. Since the death of her husband when she got control of some money, she has changed completely. To say she is obsessed with money and her own (as she sees it) is an understatement. Every conversation begins and ends with one or the other topic. I have been getting sick of the boasting and bragging for several months now and am reaching breaking point as it is SO boring. Last time we met she started to bully the assistant in a shop we were in basically asking her "do you know who I am?" I walked out and was very short with her for the rest of the outing but lacked the guts to speak my mind.
I can't decide whether to take her to task and tell her how much I dislike the change in her personality and face a showdown and lose the only person who really (used to) make me laugh or whether to just try to avoid her as much as possible. Either way, I suppose I lose the closest "friend" I had here.
Writing this has helped - and the moral of the story is think long and hard before upping sticks and moving somewhere alien when you retire!

Widows seem to suffer the problem. My friends are the five I have had for over 50 years, they don't all live nearby but I know they are there if I need them, we keep in touch by e-mail every week or so and are up to date with all the goings on with the family, children and grandchildren. Suits me just fine.

Mercure and frenchie3 I could have ave written your posts but just in a different country. I tend to be more gregarious than my husband who tends to be happy with just the two of us. We do have good friends (married couple) we usually meet up for lunch or dinner once a week. But we have only known them for about 9 months. Another couple are now looking after a greatgrandchild so the wife and I don't get out like we used to. As for expats best to keep away from that subject as some seem to behave as though they are still in school. With the family it's out of sight out of mind unless they want something. I messaged one DD to say we would be over twice in November and she never bothered to message back. So next day I messaged "oh, so not even a that's nice from you then?" Her reply was "yes it is a bit". So yes friends are a bit thin on the ground. I wprry about my husband if anything happens to me as he has no family and having PTSD I feel he needs friends who understand.

When My husband died I think all my friends did too. I think I must not be very likeable without him.

I too thought it was just me who is a 'billy no mates'! I was divorced in my 40's after 20 yrs of marriage. After leaving work I find I can go quite a few days without speaking to anyone, even my children text nowadays. I did have a long time friend but I found she was making me depressed as all she ever talked about was how bad her life was and how hard done by she was. I don't need that so a couple of years ago I stopped responding to her.
My sister and I were very very close, we did lots together but unfortunately she died last year, now I realise I have no-one to talk to about childhood days or things we later did together, she was always the one that would remember names etc, I'm hopeless at that.

I am having to make a bit of an effort to make new friends, and U3A is a real boon because it is full of like-minded people. But I’ve found it possible to get the warmth and love I would normally only get from family too. I am learning a foreign language through language exchange using Skype, and have been blown away by the devotion shown by these foreigners learning English who will move heaven and earth to keep their appointments with me. Over the last few years I’ve made some of my best friends ever.

I think the key to making friends is being a good listener with the occasional compliment thrown in☺

I think it's something that happens as you get older. Friends die or move away to be near their families. We used to have regular dinner parties, but as spouses die there is always the "ghost at the feast" which I find upsetting. I think one of the answers is to volunteer for whatever you are able to do. You are then involved with other people, who perhaps develop into friends.

Sunseeker and Rocketstop, as Mawbroon has said there is www.gransnet.com/forums/meet_ups_where_are_you for arranging to meet local gransnetters.....there are many regular meetups.

Gransnet Local pages closed in January but there are still local forum pages for every area in the UK. Find yours here www.gransnet.com/forums/local

While waiting to pay for fuel this week I spoke to an elderly lady who had just paid for several newspapers.
She thanked the assistant, and as she turned away, said cheerfully, "right, off to deliver them now".
Joking I said, "you have a paper round?"
"Oh yes, duck, and I'm 91".

I suppose she pops in to some of her neighbours and has a chat and cup of tea..... that is one way of having company, if not "friends".

Flowers to her.

Sunseeker, I was going to suggest that but you got in first ! Maybe first, there could be a section or group where people could become 'Gransnet penpals' via email or through GN or even snail mail . People could be sorted into area groups, and then if you found you got on with someone, you could meet up etc.
How have other Gn'ers arranged meet ups with people ?
I know there are local sections, but maybe not near enough to everyone which is why the penpal bit might be a good idea in the first instance ?

I think I'm a bit odd! I've never felt the need for friends, maybe because I have sisters who are my best friends. I do appreciate that some folks love having friends.

We do have a Meet ups/Where Are You forum.

With so many GNs looking for people to meet for coffee or go to cinema with perhaps HQ could have a meet up section?

GNs could post the area they are in and how far they are able to travel and others could then PM them to arrange to meet.

I know there is the Local GN but in my area that has not proved to be a success.