Not dealing with this well at all

Agree with Paddyanne
It is the children's welfare and stability that is paramount.
Children need at least one parent providing this with some family back up.
Of course Grandparents can help with love and sleepovers etc but the bottom line at least one parent needs to Parent!

Good luck. peaceatlast wishing you
'Peace at last'

The daughter is an adult. If the children are having their basic needs looked after it is none of OP's business. These are not her children.

The daughter is not a child. OP can't sit her down as if she's 5 and scold her. If OP has concerns then she needs to contact Social Services. That's how adults handle these situations.

I disagree agnurse bringing social services into it will make the relationship between mother and daughter non existent.What mother would bring SS into something that could be fixed with a bit of straight talking.Maybe write it down and send it to her that way you avoid confrontation BUT ,she and her ex need to take care of their kids

I think you should speak your mind to your DD in a gentle way, remind her that the boys need their Mother in this upsetting time for them, in my view she is being very selfish.
Although you are there to see the boys and help, ultimately they are her children and she needs to step up to the plate.

Why am I not at all surprised by agnurse's post? No matter what the problem is agnurse is of the firm belief that no one has the right to question anybody's parenting skills, no matter how the children are being affected by their parental behaviour. But there are times when a parent needs to be calmly reminded of their responsibilities to their children. The children cannot, in most situations, speak for themselves and it can often be a loving grandparent who can broker a resolution to a family problem.
As for "involving the proper authorities"...... perhaps best to just ignore that advice peace; it will cause more problems than already exist.

amen to that Chewy
there is no reason on earth from the Op's post to suggest SS stepping in!!

I agree with luckylegs & crazyH. This is a time to talk to the parents and get them to see what is happening with the children, no need at all for social services to be involved.
The children need stability and you can help with that peaceatlast. Hopefully this is just a reaction to the break up and things will settle down. Good luck.

Thanks again for your constructive replies (mostly). Much as I am concerned/upset about the situation, the suggestion of SS involvement is almost laughable when you think how much love there is around them. Reading responses has actually prompted me to have a word with my daughter, as calmly as I could, but we are both emotional at the moment and it didn’t go particularly well. However, it did give me more of an insight as to how she is setting about managing the stressful situation albeit in a very different way to how I would. But they are her children so I’m now going to try and take a step back, be supportive when I can but, for her and my sake, stop getting so stressed. The children are in no danger whatsoever, physically well looked after, loved by everyone in the family. I guess there is just no way to fully protect them from the separation situation and we shall just have to see how it goes.
Stepping back won’t be easy but, here goes.....

You sound a kind and loving mum and grandmother peace and you sound as though you're making some kind of headway with the situation. As long as you and your DD can communicate, there will be a resolution. It may take a few months but you've already made progress.

My dd isnunhappy with her partner and has started going out with the girls, she says she's fed up with being a slave and doing all the housework herself. I fear she will meet s new man and then what will happen goodness knows. They only have one child thank goodness

Thank you, Chewbacca. I’m sure you’re right.

etheltbags1, I don’t think we ever stop worrying about our children, even when they grow up. I do hope things work out for the best for your daughter.

I think I worry more now my daughter is almost 40,she has multiple health issues that affect her mobility and give her chronic pain.She has 3 children and a husband who works away 12 out of every 14 days .Life was much simpler when she was small

So sorry about your daughter......can't be nice being in chronic pain. Hope she has a good Doctor and a good Pain Clinic...yes for various reasons, I echo your sentiments...it was so much easier when they were small. for your daughter

Paddyann, sorry to hear that. I can't think of much worse than not being able to take away your child's pain.

Paddyann, that must be such a worry for you. Chronic pain must be so hard for her, poor thing.

peaceatlast, your circumstances will be familiar to many of us. Young parents generally have much more active social lives than our generation did and I suppose, we had more than our own parents. It's good to read you managed to talk with your daughter and wise of you to try and step back a little. a bit of emotional distance is difficult with those we love but sometimes, the best way.
agnurse - you're off the scale! What on earth do you think Children's Services would do if peaceatlast phoned in to say her grandchildren were spending occasional nights with loving relatives as their parents had recently separated. Even in the time when there were almost enough resources to go round, they'd have kept well out of something like this. If we're so concerned about our grandchildren, we believe it's right to raise our worries with their parents, that's what we do. We don't go rushing off to involve agencies, agencies that have much responsibilities for statutory issues, not a situation where loving parents are struggling following relationship break down but have lots of good support around them.

Ian64, thank you for your kind words. Also, I’m in complete agreement re the SS suggestion. Anyone who would approach them re this would be laughed out of the office, quite rightly, there being so many children with horrendous problems that would make my grandchildren seem very cosseted indeed. Yes, it’s a worry for me but they are loved and safe and I just have to be a little less emotional for everyone’s sakes.

The OP is right about her daughter’s selfish conduct and her point that the children are being unsettled by sleeping at so many different houses. Nevertheless, it would be a good and steadying thing for them if they could stay at her house. A grandmother is family and she can offer calm, order and security.

Dear friend
Just get your Grankiddies to keep talking to you about how they feel about this situation
They will feel they are being heard & that is really important for their ongoing emotional coping skills
You are doing a great job Do keep the lines of communication open between you & your Grandkids It’s really helpful for them

Previous posters do have a point when they say what OP's DD decides to do parenting wise is DD's responsibility. We've seen many threads on here where grandparents have been completely cut off so OP has it right when she says she just wants to support her DD parenting style even if its different from what we think might be right.

We're all different.

The only thing you have control over is to address the stress you are dealing with because being less stressed will help you handle the situation you are in.

There's a great book called 'From Stress to Stillness' by Gina Lake thats easy to read - with very effective simple ways for us to learn how to let stress go.

im guessing after years of coping with her husbands drinking etc she now has freedom and is making the most of it so to speak. its not an ideal situation re the children i agree could you compromise and offer to stop at the house so the children could be in their own home and she could still go out? it would help the children even if it meant sleeping on a sofa or floor id do it for my grandchildren and have done.

Agnurse.... you think it’s wrong to criticise others parenting, yet ok to criticise grand parenting ?? I think SS are already swamped with serious child abuse and neglect, without getting involved with a Mum who goes out too much even tho she clearly has a good back up service with babysitters. She is not leaving the kids home alone ! I would have an open chat with the GC, get them to voice their angst not stew about it and just explain as much as you can about the situation. Your DD has clearly been a good Mum and will hopefully listen to her own kids. In a divorce their should be a minimum disruption to the children, they have enough to cope with, so ideally they should stay in their own home. So if your DD then has to go out, hopefully that will focus her more on the disruption she is causing.

Social services won't do anything! The children are not at risk. Having been through the divorce from hell after leaving the ex 18 years ago I totally identify with the daughter wanting some freedom. The chances are she will settle down in a while.

As for the children yes they come first however she is leaving them with trusted people. I did this myself when I went through leaving the ex. I soon settled down as I am sure your daughter will.

I can understand both sides of the equation here. Please don't go on at her as this will alienate her. She will isolate from you.

The children are also upset by the divorce which has been primarily bought on by the Son iL drinking it seems. Perhaps you can suggest a support network for her called Al-Anon which supports families of a problem drinker. Simply Google Al-anon for The U.K. You can also attend yourself as whilst they are not together anymore you have all been affected by Son in-Law drinking. It will give you all emotional support.

Asking your daughter how things are for her rather than talks all the time I think will help more than saying xyz about her parenting.

I suggest a text now to her to say "you love her dearly and you didn't realise how it was for her. You will aim to be more open to how she is in future as well as looking out for her and the children" I think including her in your concerns of how she is doing will be helpful too as she won't feel excluded and judged.

I don't think this is about right or wrong. I think it's about coming at it at another angle so she feels included in the love care and support.

Your daughter going out once a week is ok I think however a sitter in the home would be better so if you and relatives could sit at her home it would be better.

If your daughter knows she has one night a week to let her hair down it gives her something to look forward too to help her recover her. A happy mom means happy children. It's about helping her have some time out from 24/7 pressures for me in a stable loving way

Good luck

My husband and I have had to go away two days at least every other week for the last year (our eldest is in hospital an 8 hour drive away). My mum & Dad look after my other kids - both in their teens - but they usually move into our house to do it because it is less disruptive for the kids. Last year the younger two had to move in with them for a couple of weeks (emergency with our eldest) and even at their age they found that very disruptive. The youngest (then age 12) was terribly anxious and really struggled.

So if you could move in with your grandchildren it would probably help them. I have to say I couldn’t see my mother doing it because I wanted to go out socialising though (& I can’t imagine asking her!). I feel for you - I would feel very resentful but would probably have to do it for the grandchildren.

SS would not be remotely interested it’s nowhere near their threshold. I hope your daughter realises soon though.