How to find friendship

One thing I have found is that if I attend something I tend to rush off straight afterwards. Force of habit, thinking I must get on with something. Now I hang about and chat to people. If necessary I will go up to someone on their own and talk to them.
Also I find that the more trouble I have taken with my appearance the more likely people are to talk to me.
Still making friends in this area, it's hard work.

Notanan2 has got the key to making new friends rather than aquaintances, think of it as dating. Start with small talk then invite whoever for coffee at a local cafe, find out their likes and dislikes, family, relationships, then suggest another date together that would interest both of you.
Of course us girls are not good at initiating dates, take the plunge, but be prepared for several refusals before it clicks.

notanan The author is writing as a 43 year old who has just moved a back to the UK from Europe and is faced with building a new social life, conscious that she is not good at making and keeping friends. She looks at it scientifically and speaks to scientists doing research in this field.

Among the figures she comes up with are: To move from being acquaintance to casual friend takes 50 hours contact and to a close friend takes another 150 hours.

That reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances is more efficient than finding new friends and we need to make more effort to keep the friends we have.

That the more you see people the more you get to stop being afraid of them (in a social sense) and get to know them and the friendship process can dvelop

That it is true that joining a group to do something you enjoy increases your chances of meeting a friend as you will already have a common interest.

At the end of the day, it is how much effort you put in that governs outcomes.

Nothing new about it. But it is interesting to see the usual advice backed up by scientific research.

I think it is always worth while working out why you have the problem. My father was in the army. We were always on the move, changing schools, 9 in all, moving house, 21 permanent addresses in 21 years. I became very good at striking up friendly relations with people, but never learnt the art of turning acquaintances into friends, and really never have.

But I do accept the problem is me not others, and I have made one good friend through GN, because, I realised she lived locally, had a problem and perhaps I could help, so I swallowed hard, pm-ed her and suggested we met for coffee. It might not have worked, we could have hated each other on sight, I was prepared for that, but it worked and I am much braver now.

Among the figures she comes up with are: To move from being acquaintance to casual friend takes 50 hours contact and to a close friend takes another 150 hours.

Thank you for sharing. It's interesting. And a bit depressing.

Its easier to make friends when young because you can live in peoples pockets a bit more, which can be horrible but it also helps you bond with people. You house-share/lodge. Go on work nights out etc. And generally spend longer at a time with the people you DO meet.

A term of adult education is only 12 - 24 hours spent with that group. Its not like being at college/uni/work training with people 9am-4pm is it?

I know why I have the problem. I am not 46, and I miss the three friends I have had for most of my life, my sisters. We do not discuss family affairs outside of the family so people assume I am as I have always been, surrounded by a large extended family. If anyone asks how is x or x or x , I say fine thank you . I have no choice.

Every time I think I should try to make new friends I think about how hard it is to sort out meet ups with old friends and then I think that I do have friends, I just see them too rarely people arent free to just "hang out" everything has to be uber organised in order to work around everyone's commitments. So you don't have that lovely casual time just having a cuppa at each others kitchen table. You have something planned to death every 4-6 months instead.

I miss seeing friends weekly instead of monthly/biannually.

Why is everyone so busy? I am too yet I spend loads of time on gransnet doing not much alone....but then when it comes to comparing diaries with a friend to catch-up, I can't do the day they're free & vica versa.

My friends are brilliant people and great friends but everyone seems so logistically distant even if they don't really live that far away.

So how on earth, if I can't see a friend that lives just an hour away more than twice a year (in person. We message/phone more often) am I supposed to find 150hours that suit us both to make a new friend? Or even 50 hours for a "casual" friend?

I think contact includes all means of contact, email, texts, phone calls etc. The research did not say face to face contact.

I don't think it does personally. Those things maintain but don't progress a relationship IMO

Got to actually BE with a person to move things along IMO