Adult daughter issues

I remember saying to my son when he was a wild teenager, "I have only one ambition for you and that is to outlive me.....and I have no plans to pop my clogs any day soon. " My lovely daughter lives 10000 miles away but she is happy, successful and became a mother at the age of 37. I couldn't be more proud of both of them even though I'm not living quite the life I might have hoped for. Their happiness and health is all that matters to my happiness. It's called LOVE.

When you are not the child your parent wanted you eventually learn not to need them.

For that to happen the child has to grieve. They first try to please you and when they can't they grieve. They grieve for the love they didn't get from you. And they grieve for YOU.

Down the line, if you decide you DO need or want them, maybe when they have children of their own that you want to grandparent, maybe when you're facing illness, death or other life changes, or maybe you just mellowed, their grief cycle may be complete and its too late. They grieved for you and came out the other side and moved on. They might meet with you but the need to be loved by you just won't be there any more. You won't be needed any more. You'll be in their "outer circle" like an acquaintance. And you will stay there.

Your daughter is young. She may act tough and independant, but she probably has not fully given up on you and grieved for the relationship yet. So there is time, but maybe not much time.

To those who have accused me of not replying - I have been reading the responses. I am just not sure what to say.

Have the replies made you think any differently, violetflowers?

Gosh, my daughter became pregnant at 20, split up with the father and since has struggled to get a decent job/partner/nice place to live. She too is 24. She would swop with yours in a heartbeat.

I am going to go against the grain a little and say thAt I think you have done well to bring up a focussed, independent driven young lady. Well done.

She is so, so young. Who knows what she will be doing in 5,10,15 years?
I had my first child late twenties and I was quite young compared to Many in the baby groups.

I wasn't brought up to realise I had any skill s or value to anyone and although worked for charities and in care doing worthwhile jobs that were caring a nd helpful....none of them gave me qualifications as such and now as a mum of two, I'm still brinGing In The same money wise as I did ten years ago....there is progression and I don't command more than a very low wage. I feel like a failure to my children a s I can't always buy them beautiful things ( but what I do offer them is my love, my time and lots of beach trips and bug hunts!)
I am a disappointment to my father who values slim people wi th a sense of purpose, a mortgage , a good career, decent cars and savings. I have none of this.
I have a good sense of humour and this has helped no end...
My children are the centre of my world and I want them to grow up wi th confidence in their abilities, with good moral compasses and a kind nature. I don't know if that will happen.
Isn't it funny how everyone s idea of 'success' is so different!

Hello violetsunshine and welcome.
I think it is important to try not to imagine your child as doing something you want, but rather be happy that they are doing something they want. Her chosen path does not seem to be harmful to herself or to others, so therefore be happy about that and support her. We can’t expect our lives to be lived through those of our children/grandchildren/nieces and nephews. Be happy for her, not resentful.

I know I was a disappointment to my mother as she constantly made it clear. Only one of my offspring grew up something like I expected. They all give me worries. I just want them to be well/get better and be happy and I will be happy too.
24 is so young. She’s feeling her way in life and making a good job of it too.

Its okay to not be on the same wavelength as people in your family.

People shouldn't beat themselves up about feeling that they wouldn't necessarily chose their relatives as friends. That's okay and not that unusual, and that aspect of your post is not the problematic part. Its fine to be TOTALLY different people, you can still love each other & have a good relationship.

The problem is that you sound stuck in the mindset of a pregnant first time mum, full of wistful gossamer daydreams of what you imagined mother daughter relations to be...

No daughter could favourably compare to that

Most of our kids are totally different to how we imagined family life to be pre children. We get to know our real children and the fantasy fades. For most of us anyway. Some don't let go of the imagined family in order to do so. I can't tell you why but I can tell you a lot about being on the receiving end of it

Violet this might surprise you but I want to offer you congratulations on producing a confident young woman who is enjoying her life, succesful in her chosen career and looking the part. Now you need to concentrate on building your relationship with her. You also need to make your own life much more interesting and fulfill some of your own dreams because you cannot do that through another person even if she is related to you.
You don't mention her father except perhaps obliquely when saying she is far away from 'us' so what is his take on all of this?
It is far too early to mourn the 'loss' of grandchildren as there is plenty of time biologically, however, if you are not friends now she may well not even let them get to know you if and when they do eventually arrive in the future. Now that really would be sad! You have a lot of work to do to repair this awful situation.

I have a DD who has been married 25+ years, never had children absolutely no intention of having any. She is a career woman who lives abroad and wears designer clothes, she is happy and I am happy.
Wishing domestic drudgery on a 24 year old is not very kind, get on with your life and let your DD get on with hers.

How sad.

I wonder if you are the kind of mother she would like to have?

I'm not sure why people read this as a wind up. Its a mother expressing feelings about her expectations and her reality. She may have been naive in her expectations and she may need to change those expectations and think positively about her daughters obvious achievements and to rethink her approach to the relationship but she does not deserve unkindness , sarcasm and ridicule does she!!

Some very wise thoughts Notanan. Your comments about children who don't meet parental expectations going through a grieving process must resonate with many people, as the child and as the parent.

A poem that I have valued over the years is from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. It seems very relevant to this thread.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, he loves the bow that is stable.

24 is very young - in today's terms - to be thinking or talking about marriage and babies. At least it is for many. My dd didn't even think much of those things till her mid 30s and had her first baby at 38. And she lived and worked thousands of miles away for many years. Many of her friends were similar, from the marriage/babies POV.

If she senses that if you are disappointed in her from that aspect, it could create further distance between you - I have known this happen with a friend of dd whose mother made it very clear over and over that she was desperate for grandchildren. (In fact the girl wasn't averse - by her mid 30s she still had yet to find the right man, which made it doubly upsetting for her.).
If I were you I would be very careful not to let it show, whatever you are feeling, and try to show an interest in the current life/career she has chosen.

I am glad you have answered Violet albeit a brief answer
I might be wrong but I think you are a bit shell shocked by the answers (ignore the harsh ones) I don’t think you had ever thought of it from the other angle that you had done a brilliant job bringing up an independent clever and focused child, all you saw was a daughter who was living a very different life ( to you maybe) and to what you had seen in your minds eye but dear Violet it is about acceptance, love, pride in a different area to what you imagined
You speak of ‘us’ so obviously you have a husband you are not alone how does he think and behave towards your daughter
You need to change your whole thought pattern and start building bridges with this clever successful daughter Start being interested in her as she is, not as you thought she would be, stop mourning the loss and open your arms to the importantly clever girl you have made
First thing I would do is send her a ‘ how are you text and asking what her latest project is
You are grieving for an imaginary person rejoice in the real one
Good luck

I agree with Madgran77.

Although I agree with what others are saying you should be proud of your daughter and 24 is very young to think about babies, etc especially as she has a very successful long term partner who I am sure does not want to think about starting a family at this time.

I think when you say, 'Instead she's rather cold and absent, lives far away from us in the city,'. is what you are disappointed in. If you make her welcome and celebrate her success I am sure as she grows older and feels she has achieved these goals, she will be looking for a different life maybe a bit more like you want. You can only live in the fast lane for so long, but it is great to have lived in the fast lane especially when you are so young and you don't want her to have regrets about missing out on life.

Maybe it is time you speeded up your life and do some of the things you have dreamed about.

My mother expected me to have children, 9 months after I got married, as she did. My wedding had been what she wanted, as she did not have a church wedding. She objected to my friends coming as she needed to fit all her friends in. My place of employment was where she had always wanted to work.
The stress of it all nearly drove me potty and I had no feeling of selfworth whatsoever.
She made the first 3 years of my marriage hell. I knew she was depressed and unhappy with her life - why did she want mine to be the same?
I survived by cutting off contact with her: the major row we had showed how disappointed in me she was. I had two lots of therapy over the years to get rid of the guilt feelings.
She did the same again to my sister who also buckled under it.
My sister died and I then felt anger towards the woman who needed to wreck two lives with her own selfish needs.
Never ever have I treated my children as she did us. The reason I waited a long time to have children is that I was afraid I would be like her.
Your daughter is young and I believe you are jealous. Look to your own separate life and make changes there and then meet her as a fulfilled adult.

I remember what it was to be a disappointment to my mother.

The trouble is that I couldn't be what she wanted, so unless she wanted what I was, she had nothing, And that is what she had.

How sad for us all.

violetflowers
Welcome
Now for the blunt part. Get a dog.
Yes...if you want company at your feet all day, some entity to do your bidding and share YOUR life, get a dog. You don't own your daughter and she doesn't owe you grandchildren. Be glad she's self sufficient, not asking to be bailed out financially, not in an abusive or controlling relationship, not a single mother struggling to make ends meet.
To expect your daughter to live the life YOU want her to live, is selfish in the extreme.
Get a dog, or get a life of your own.

It's so sad to read other posts of daughters not 'living up' to their mother's expectations.
Please don't allow words to wound you and take away your sense of self.
Plough your own furrow and only have, as company, people who enhance your life not those who seek to detract.
Walk in sunshine, that's my motto.

You could be my Mum talking about me. I was her only child and she desperately wanted grandchildren (which I was unable to have) and to have me live near her, with children, and a more domesticated life (as she had enjoyed). But I really wanted to travel and live abroad (as I ended up doing), and "try out" different lives. I knew that I disappointed her, so I ended up not visiting them very often (I was careful that we lived 200 miles apart) and it was always painful for me, because it was as though I became responsible for her happiness (I think it was a real strain on her and Dad's marrige because she was chronically unhappy); she told me a couple of times that I was cold - but that was a protective thing (I couldn't allow myself to get closer to her because she was obviously so disappointed in her life and, because I loved her, it was painful). In the end, they came to live nearer to me when they were both ill and we had 8 years of living near each other, and being more "domestic" until they both died. But whenever I would do something that wasn't "her" she would say "oh you're SO like your Dad" in a very disapproving way. Don't forget your daughter is only 24 - this is a particular phase of her life (when I was 24 I was having an active social life in London); she may change jobs / change partners / change where she lives entirely in her 30's. Focus on having a good relationship with her so that she feels it's safe to move closer to you, to have more contact with you. Be interested in her life - don't dismiss it as shallow (it may be just one version of life that she's "trying out"). Tell her you're proud of her for doing something she enjoys, for being able to earn her own living; and keep telling her that you love her. Focus on your own life, be creative and make it happier. You never know, one day she may decide to change her life entirely (I did at 30 - I went to unversity and retrained). Make sure that you're a supportive, loving part of that life.

Your daughter is obviously very different to you and sounds like a very strong, determined young woman. Try to take some interest in her life even if it is not as you would wish it to be. Young people are growing up in a world which is quite alien to the one us older generation knew and understand. Get a couple of up to date fashion mags so you have something to talk about with her. One day she may well want to settle down and have a family but she obviously wants to live and enjoy her life to the full first. Try to see the good in her and compliment her on her success even if it wasn't what you dreamed of for her life.

Get a dog
You could even get a breeding bitch. All those lovely little puppies, just adorable.