Retirement panic

Petra
I did.
Sneaky those rats.

gmelon
I lived onboard for 20yrs. The only rat we had onboard was one one of the cats brought in. She was obviously very proud of this as she left it in the middle of the lounge

If this boat has to be of the "I deserve the best" brigade, then he is not buying a boat for himself to enjoy but for his friends to admire and with which to measure his success. First negative comment will have him looking for a bank loan to buy a "better" boat. When he can't do that, he will be unhappy with whatever boat he has because he still feels he deserves better. All of this is a no-win situation for YOU. There's nothing in his plan that takes your feelings into account. Simply from a banking viewpoint, houses earn equity, boats do not. Your home is a much more valuable asset. He can sell his home and go live on whatever boat he can afford and still visit you like he does right now. When he leaves at the end of the visit, wish him a sunny day on his boat and send him off with a brown paper bag lunch. Put a cookie in it. That's being generous enough.

Marilii makes good points. Your DH is giving no thought to what you might deserve in the way of 'best', and his plans don't leave you with any way to sort that out for yourself.

petra
Cats love you enough to bring "presents" home.
Where were you moored?
Mine was just outside London.

Is it just me? I find it very odd that you've been married for twenty years, but have never lived together - only seeing each other at weekends. If you're happy as you are, keep it that way. And you do say that living with him full-time makes you feel depressed. So don't do it!

If he wants to sell his house and buy a boat - great! As long as he lives on it!

This isn't a good relationship. Don't give up your house!

Yes this is the most panic phase.

Sometimes listening to your gut feeling is the best way to make a decision, you are already feeling uncomfortable about the situation. I am in a similar position and have decided I am keeping my house and he can keep his. Its great having space and a breather from time to time. Good luck

Marilii...Excellent advice. I must buy a supply of brown paper bags.

What Pilgrims hubby said!

Your lifestyle has obviously suited you Rufussmum as it has some others. Prue Leith and her husband have the same arrangement (with no money worries I would imagine!!) and they are very happy with it. If it works for you - why change it and obviously you don't want to. Your DH wants to but you really need to follow the advice you have asked for and been given. He must know to change anything would be solely for his benefit.

Hi Rufussmum. I don't find your arrangements odd at all. I know of several couples who each own their own house and 'commute' to be with each other when it suits them. Some are married, some are not. But all are in a long term relationship. Whatever works for you.

I do agree with those on here who advise that if he wants a boat, he sells his house to buy one. You and he can then work out how often you want to meet up and on whose premises.

On no account would I be selling up, in your situation. Good luck, whatever you decide

Does your husband realise the costs involved with owning a boat ?
We have owned boats all our married life ...... the costs involved are huge .
Purchase depending on size and age etc. Could be up to £100000 for a narrow boat , mooring rent perhaps 6000 a year maintenance at least 2000 a year ......also permits insurance licences etc.etc. The list goes on then when you decide to sell you lose even more money ......they are money pits . Why not just rent one ?

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Don' t do anything until you have lived in his "domain" for at least a month. You say he is a nice man but you have not lived with him in the same house. You may need to find some courage at the end of it. Surely you can have more boat holidays together if you do downsize. Good luck.

You describe him as a nice man, but I'm afraid that's not how he comes across from your description of the situation.

I think he is a selfish man, and maybe that hasn't been apparent to you as you have never lived together.

'I deserve the best' indeed! Can I ask you something - has he EVER said, or inferred that YOU deserve the best?
I think your reply to that question will be quite telling.

Please don't do it. Stay where you are, where you are happy, and let him stay over now and then. Let him sell his house and by his boat, and rent a little flat. There really is nothing for you in his plan.

I would be happy to go out on boat on sunny days, maybe for weekends, possibly a week in summer. I never wanted the whole narrowboat experience. Locks scare me, am claustrophobic, hate pump-out toilets and don't fancy sharing a steel tube with snoring/farting OH and two dogs.
It's a no-brainer really. That's without the whole living-together dilemma. No wonder I am stressed.

There are many pluses to being together and I speak as a very independent woman who got very used to being on her own for over twenty years after divorce. Now the children are all grown up with lives of their own, we took the plunge and bought a place together after selling both our homes.

At first I felt I had lost my bolt hole and thought constant compromise and consideration would be extremely difficult.

Now after several years I am glad I bit the bullet. My one piece of advice would be to have a room in the house you can escape to. I like different pastimes and need quiet time away from the TV etc. It's worked out really well I am happy to say and having someone support and love me 24/7 has been an unexpected bonus. We have kept our own interests and friends so I don't feel I have 'lost' anything. Having to do up a home and garden together has brought us even closer. Trust me, I dreaded leaving my nest and I did take a few months to adjust, but now I cannot imagine us living separate lives and our incomes have improved because we only have one lot of bills and upkeep.

I would however have a long hard discussion about the boat. I think he needs to realise his hobby cannot claim the lion's share of the proceeds from the sale of both houses. Have you had a serious discussion about the income you'd get from the sale of both houses?

Have you stopped loving him? Could that be the reason you are a reluctant sharer?

Whichever road you take, please remember, happiness is never guaranteed. I think you both should be thinking about plans and dreams you share when you commit to living together. Then start house-hunting (on line) together so he can see the sort of property you aspire to as well. He might appreciate his boat is a pipe dream?

Time for a few ultimatums I think, so that your lives together will work?

But please, do not throw away a decent relationship if it can be salvaged by just a little tweaking and a bit of give and take. We are all growing older and having someone to share our lives with can be a very good thing. I took the plunge, slightly reluctantly, and I am glad now that I didn't prevaricate. I am sitting alone, with my computer while he does his massive jigsaw in another room. He's just made me a coffee and on such a miserable wet and windy day I am glad (because I have considered your post and it's made me think about my fairly new situation) we are both under the same roof.

Best wishes, whatever you decide to do.

Day6...Thank you so much for such a positive message. It echoes a lot of my thoughts about the possible pluses of living together. I think the boat issue has come to overshadow everything else so you are right, it's time for some straight talking and ultimatums (ultimata?)
I am glad your new life is working out so well for you.

That is an excellent and very constructive post Day6!

Rufussmum I think, if you do decide to bite the bullet, making sure there is a room where you can retreat is vital. It has been a key part of making my own relationship work ...a bit of my own space is crucial! I do also think that you and your husband need some very honest discussion about money, sharing income and keeping a balance between each others interests etc ….nly you two can work that out together. Your original post made it sound like your husband has got caught up in a dream and has forgotten that there are two of you in this relationship.

I hope that you can come to a satisfactory compromise that works for you

I would suggest that you both move in to one of the houses (his or yours) and trial this for a year to see if you can make it work and be happy living together. Once both houses are sold there’s no going back so trial it first.

It's a no-brainer really. That's without the whole living-together dilemma. No wonder I am stressed.

If it's a no-brainer, there's no need to be stressed as you know the answer already.

Please do not sell your house. If he wants to pursue a boat dream, let him. He can come and live you with after if it doesn’t work out. But it will still be your house!

So, suggested to DH that if he wants to buy the boat it will have to be his 'home' which means at least half the week, every week on the boat. I said I didn't feel ready right now to make a decision about buying a house together and that us both living in my house full-time wouldn't be viable. This house is very small and we would be tripping over each other all the time.
He says as I 'clearly don't want to live with him' he thinks we should get divorced. He feels his life is boring and pointless and the boat will fill the gap.