My husband is lying to me

I wasn't going to mention the chance of an 'affair' until others brought it up. I was in denial about my husband but in my heart I knew he was seeing somebody else - new mobile phone in car glove compartment which rang when we were on a journey together. I answered it and it immediately went quiet. I asked about the phone and was told had dropped his other one in the pond and had to buy a cheap one quick! I believed him. Next week, he walked out. I recommend that you be suspicious, but hope that your has a really good reason for being secretive and it turns out to be something lovely for you.

Just ask him.

I hope you find something nice to do together now that he’s cancelled his match. It seems a bit strange to me that you go out yourself ( to visit family) but don’t like him doing a normal activity like watching football and maybe a drink with some pals afterwards. . It is quite normal and healthy for couples to do things on their own - it gives them something different to talk about when together.
Trust is very important in a relationship. So give him enough rope - he will either hang himself or you will realise that you have nothing to worry about, maybe he feels stifled. If you take a dog out and let him off the lead in the park, does it continue to walk along beside you or rush around like a mad thing, sniffing and investigating everywhere? Yet the owner never doubts its devotion. Hopefully your husband will become more relaxed and happy if given some freedom, but if he is up to no good, the sooner you know the better.

Jenpax
CA, although should they not offer a service themselves, and from experience, are not with out information as to where the public can obtain the specific help they are looking for.

I had sympathy with you until you posted again. We always say when we're going out and where but not to account for ourselves. Just natural.
I can't abide 'silly' defensive lies to avoid truth.
However, you told him you'd have to find something to do as he was going out?
Why exactly? You could do nothing, potter about, enjoy the mental space, go out yourself, lots...
No one person should meet our needs and vice versa.

You may both be unhappy as it sounds like there's tension around him feeling tied to accountability

Lindill49 I am so sorry you are suffering from this. It is a horrible thing to go through. I gather he has confused you concerning what/where he has been on a fairly regular basis and that if you dare touch the subject, even innocuously, as you did when you said you'd find something to do this weekend, he obfuscates and explodes in anger at you thus instantly closing down communication.
If this has been an enduring trait or repeated behaviour you only have two choices. Either you live with it or you tell him you are not going to tolerate being lied to and put down by angry outbursts anymore. At its least it is disrespectful. I think when trust has gone in a relationship the very basis of the relationship is threatened and the bond falls apart. What he is doing is abuse, lying and using threatening anger to shut you up as soon as you touch on the subject of his secret life. This is controlling behaviour.
I am wondering if he does any other things to control you. You may be unaware of what it means. We get so used to it that it seems normal - it happened to me. www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
gives a list of examples but do look at other websites because you need to get a wider feel of it. Also, don't let him try to accuse you of controlling him, just because you asked about his plans. You have grounds to ask and it is a natural question. His reaction is very controlling and his refusal, repeatedly, to give you a satisfactory reply undermines trust.
Please seek counselling. Please. Do not try to live with this on your own. You say it is a small thing, but I think that is your way of trying to cope. I have the feeling it is niggling away at you a lot more than you can cope with and if you don't do something to resolve it, it could make you ill. You have reached out to us here. Please find a Counsellor, if you can a relationships counsellor. Your GP should be able to help.
There is one last thing that has been on my mind. There was a case of a man who was a cross-dresser and could not tell his wife. He had to get away regularly to join other men to relax in women's clothes and enjoy this side of his personality. I am not joking. If he has a need like this he must trust you and you must understand him and appreciate it is harmless. Ask him if this is so and tell him you love him anyway. Sending you lots of love ?

I can't see the point in confronting him. If he wants to tell you he will and if he doesn't he will continue to lie.
Only you can decide if you can live with his lies.

maybe having a day out by himself. not saying he is senile ,but sometimes people do like to be alone..and not say where they are going... calm down..be nice and polite ,call his bluff ...and say i'm going out now without telling him...a first for you i expect,,

A tad harsh...quite a few couples let each other know where they're going, it's not particularly unusual. This lady is obviously a bit worried. Not everyone is as self assured as you.

I would also check - at the risk of discovering he was out planning a surprise for you.

My own father behaved like this while living with me . By a process of detection , I discovered that he had a serious gambling addiction and had lost many thousands of pounds , including his life insurance/ funeral funds which he had cashed in . It was very unpleasant to track this back as he had obviously been doing this since my childhood and had been very stingy with my late mother especially . He was secretive and very nasty when tackled ( very calmly ) . Do you have any family you could talk to ? I was supported by my brothers and although they lived miles away , being able to off load to them was massively important . Don’t suffer on your own - it’s terrible for your own well being and self esteem .

My ex H wasn't open or honest, he lied about his income and did not communicate but went into denial and was evasive. I was open, wanted to talk things out, know the truth so we could work things out, stay together, yet he didn't trust me. His loyalty was more towards his workmates and parents than to me and his children.

No affair just an unravelling of bonds and trust, and resentment about being 'trapped' with a mortgage and 2 lovely sons. We divorced. I will never trust anyone who lies since then.

Could be harmless or a medical appointment on a weekday but I would be very wary on a weekend. My lovely friend was devastated last year and divorced her husband of 35 years. He forgot she knew his email password and when she was suspicious of his changed behaviour she snooped. She found emails from a website called sh**g me which is mostly married people looking for casual sex. I was with her when we went on the site that is full of men and women showing there naughty bits and saying what they want from a partner. A quick postcode search found a pic of her hubby and we registered in a false name and sent him a message. He was quick to reply and we said it was our first time and he said he had met and slept with around 10 women. He also said he was unhappily married when my friend never noticed a problem. She had all of his things outside when he got home and he begged and pleaded but thankfully she got him our of her life. He is in a dingy flat now and his children have cut him off also. I think they were disgusted and especially in the messages he slept with women years younger than his own daughters. Although my friend only sent him a message on the site she received others from men and they were all no spring chickens.

When your retired and you spend a lot of time around one another then you need to do things apart.
My dh meets a friend every other Thursday for coffee and a chat I meet my friend or my cousin for lunch every other Wednesday. He goes for a walk we live opposite Oxleas wood in Shooters hill,London some times go with him I like to mooch round the shops on my own. You need a bit of freedom from one another

I must say that a lot of the ladies/men on here seem to be far more tolerant than me. Toxic relationships, lies etc etc and their gone. Do any of us need stress and torment at our age/any age....I don't. I'd rather be on my own

So why would either party lie about it, then when asked evade the truth?

Of course couples need time apart, time to themselves and other people/activity so couples should understand each others needs, discuss, negotiate and talk about their arrangements with others. Not tell lies, that's irrational.

Lies = something to hide. Every time.

There was no questioning and no recriminations - he just told me he was going to football this Saturday. No season ticket, no stopping off to collect prebooked train tickets as is normal. Same as last time two months ago but he’s cancelled this one in a huff - blaming me. We go out once a week separately- nothing untoward. You can imagine I’m curious but asking hasn’t helped - just says he’s cancelled everything!

You say YOU lie to him so if its OK for you to do why isn't it for him?

We're in our 70s, and my DH and I always tell each other where we're going; it's one less thing to worry about as I have always suffered from low-level anxiety. That said, it doesn't in any way restrict us both from going off to pursue our separate interests. This talk of lying to each other - why would you, if your relationship is healthy?

ELLAMAR123 I just had to say how sorry I feel for your friend. I can't imagine how ghastly it must have been on discovering this disgusting information. The internet does allow people to indulge themselves in their completely revolting and dishonest depravity in a way that was not available before.
We can speculate until we are blue in the face about what the OP's husband is doing. I totally agree with Apricity.
I would say to him that I need honesty and trust in a relationship. I would also make it clear that I have no problem at all with his having a life of his own, but for safety and peace of mind it is a good idea to give a clue about where you are going and when you are due home.

paddyann I think the OP said he was jealous of the time she spent with the Gch. so she tells him she has been somewhere else and regards it as a white lie. I think it is another sign of his personality problems and she has a difficult relationship on her hands. He's an adult, he should accept that she will spend time with her Gch.

bluebirdwsm Me too - I have real trouble with anyone who is deceptive.

Yellowmellow I am with you. I've been through too much to feel I need to put up with lies and bad temper when I ask something just for the sake of a relationship. I am just so happy on my own now. The evil mind games and lies and the tantrums to avoid giving a straight answer... I don't have to live with any of that!

If a person is not honest I don't want to have anything to do with them.

he may have had a falling out at the football and is trying to hide it