No sister for 10 years

I feel I may have this issue in store. My sister made it clear to me years ago that she didn’t want me in her life. My father’s death brought us together for a very short spell. Then I moved away to be closer to my children. I went back to visit her three years ago and she piled so much agony on me that I needed to escape. We haven’t spoken since. I sent her a gift which didn’t get acknowledged. This year I got a birthday message by email. I responded that I was going to be in town and got no response. So I’m over it now.

My sister has severe mental health issues, and she cut off the whole family for about seven years many years ago. The family had not done anything to deserve this, and didn’t really have any idea why, but we had to accept it. Eventually, after a severe breakdown, my sister was diagnosed and treated, and after two years of treatment she made peace with the family. My point is that we don’t know how or why Silverlady’s sister has not been in contact. We don’t know who broke off the relationship, or if it drifted gradually until it was no more. Silverlady says it was a difficult relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to let go in a difficult relationship because the constant hurt is too much to bear. The point is that Silverlady now wants to make contact, so she should. If her letter is ignored then she will know where she stands in this relationship, but if her sister replies then it may be possible to restore some part of the relationship.
My own sister is now ill again, and she has gone down the line of almost no contact again, including with her elderly mother and her four adult children, and all her grandchildren. I accept the situation because I have lived through it before, but if I knew my sister was seriously ill I would make contact with her, and she could decide whether to respond or not. She is my sister after all, and whatever happens nothing will change that, or the fact that I still care for her. Maybe Silverlady feels the same.

It is the sister facing the illness. Not the OP.

The sister right now has the bigger burden.
Its not the time for the OP to decide she wants contact, not now while the sister already has so much to deal with.
The sister can ask for contact if it is what she wants/needs at this already difficult time.

My two sisters didn't speak for 25 years. I spoke to both of them , though one was living far away so it was mainly letters in those days. Then the "far away" sister was diagnosed with liver cancer and given a very short time frame. I told our other sister, who also had the same dilemma as you have got - what to do ?

In the end, she wrote a letter . She said that she wished things had been different, and that life had turned out better. She didn't say anything that she didn't mean . She sent the letter to our sister's daughter, and asked if she could read it to her mother , but only if she felt it would help and not do any harm. Her daughter did read it to her mother , and relayed that our sister had been happy to hear those words.

I don't know if this example will help, but it's one way of doing this sad thing.

I would try and make contact and do what I could to heal the rift. I don't expect your suster is happy that you are not talking. It may well be disturbing her mental peace at an already difficult time. Surely we would all prefer mended relationships rather than broken ones?

Surely in a situation like this where a sister is very seriously ill a letter can be sent wishing her the best (whatever that may be in the context) and perhaps sadness about the family estrangement without fear of repercussions or even expecting a reply? Sometimes as life draws to a close people need to try to heal old wounds and send out feelers to family and friends. There are times to be generous and put old wounds aside and maybe this is one of them. ?

Write to your sister x

I don't like my brother because he has been vindictive with me and blamed me wrongly for things. We haven't bothered with each other for two- three years. I still love him. Does that make sense? I still send him a birthday card ( he has never ever sent me one but I always bought birthday present too) and Christmas card. Last year he thought I was seriously ill and texted me to ask how I was. I was not impressed but kind of glad. I think I would send a little letter along the lines of "although we don't talk I still love you...."

A friend, estranged from her brother for many years, was reunited with him shortly before she died. This brought comfort both to her and her brother. If you don't try to make your peace with your sister, even if you get no response, you will at least feel that you made the effort. Think about how you will feel if you don't.

I think agnurse's suggestion of a brief note is a good one

Although terminally ill many people are able to make contact with whoever they see fit.
Your sister will be in touch if she wishes to.

Being terminally ill doesn't mean you lose mental faculties.
Unless of course she has merely days left in which case I'd say its a bit late now.

Personally I'd no more wish to contact someone I had nothing in common with than I would any other day of our separate lives.
I'd have no right to be in contact in their last days/months.

It's a bit like sending a wreath when someones dies but never visiting that person when they were alive.
The letter would only be to salve your own conscience.

I think i would send her a bunch of flowers through Interflora and enclose a hand written note saying even though you haven't kept in touch you were sorry to hear she was unwell and ask if there is anything you can do for her to make her feel a bit better.

Notanan i totally disagree with your post. I hate these forums when people always have to get snippy and some downright nasty. People post asking for advice, not criticism so i believe if there’s nothing constructive to say just move on. People fall out all the time and families don’t always get on. However, i think the OP should write a letter. Afterall, she may not get on with her sister but that doesn’t mean she wishes her any ill fortune. Sometimes we are better without people in our lives but we don’t hate them. If i was dying i would appreciate a genuine, private letter. If you get a reply then maybe visit. If not, no harm done, but there will be lots of regrets if you don’t.

I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. I see 2 sisters and 1 brother on a regular basis. My youngest sister and I have not talked for 5 years and then it was my sister refusing to be in the same photo as me, I told her it was her loss! When I want her to know something, I tell my sisters or her mother in law! This annoys her intensely, and I find the whole situation hilarious!
However, if the situation arose as with the OP I would write to her and offer to meet, it would be ignored, but at least I would have tried.
I think, for peace of mind, a letter should be sent, expressing regret, and hopes for a healthy outcome and to aarrand, hopefully, a visit. It is never to late to reconnect.
My eldest brother returned to visit my mother 37 years after he'd left home, it was what my mother was holding on for, she died 2 months later. They spent 10 days talking as though they'd never been apart!
Please, send the letter.

I hadn't seen my brother in around 16 years and his wife died. I was invited to the funeral... Not the best time to meet up but I stayed at his has and we talked and I met his now grown up children and their partners. Do not worry about those years that have gone missing....write that letter.

I haven’t seen my brother since we scattered our mother’s ashes on her mother’s grave over 20 years ago. We do exchange birthday and Christmas cards with occasional photos and snippets of news inside. He is five years older than me, we have always been very different personalities and our lives are very different. There has never been an argument but we have gradually drifted apart since our mother died. He does have a degenerative disease and I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I feel it is time we saw each other. I have mentioned going to see him in cards but he has always ignored this so I have assumed he doesn’t want me to, perhaps wrongly. To avoid any awkwardness I have decided I am going to phone his daughter and ask her to let me know if he wants me to visit. If I write a letter he could ignore it but this way I will get an answer. Do you have a third party who can help you heal the rift?

Well said Maggiemaybe ! As an onlooker we are not in a position to judge or presume what has or has not occurred over the past years.

If she wrote to you, respond. Nothing too long would be my choice. Flowers and a note or a letter written on a blank card. Good luck.

I too have a sister I have fallen out with. Something i never imagined possible. It would actually be more a case of her falling out with me. But she's a difficult person and has declined the olive branches I have held out. But I still care. Growing up we were very close and had some happy times, so how can I not still care. And, God forbid, if anything should happen to her, I would hold out a further olive branch and leave it up to her. I think you should write a letter and leave the decision up to her. You don't want to have any regrets. I imagine illness can be a big wake up call so she may have a change of heart. Good luck.

I would definitely write the letter. My late MIL always wanted to contact her brother who she fell out with years before but could never find him. It was a stupid row over a chair he wanted when their mother died. She was grieving for her mother as he was too, and she threw him out of the house. Still was asking for him when she was dying. Your sister may want to make peace so write a letter. If she wants to see you someone will then let you know. Either way you will give her the opportunity to make friends.

Silverside79. Were it yourself in the same position how would you feel in receiving a letter from an estranged relative ?.Not aware of the cause of the rift only yourself will know how to word that letter.Should there be no response at least you will have attempted to let bygones be bygones and should not reproach yourself.

Silverlady, I heard the husband of someone I'd evidently offended many years ago, and who'd washed their hands of me, was seriously ill. I wrote to her apologising and she wrote back, glad to have an ear, as she's going through a very difficult time. I text her now, offering sympathy, which I genuinely feel, but I doubt it will go much further than that. She texts when she's down. We can't really be responsible for other people's feelings, but I believe it's better to try to mend broken relationships. Hope I don't sound overly pious. Good luck.

It's not always easy to know what's best to do in emotional situations like this. When I was teaching in a deprived area, our school motto was 'Do the Right Thing' but what is the right thing to do here? OP, no one can tell you what's right to do. You know best. Whatever you feel is right is the thing to do. Make your decision and get on with it. Don't dither and no regrets. If you decide not to contact your sister or her family, accept your own decision. If you decide to write, do it now!

My class wrote a song which we performed in assembly.
Do the Right Thing, Do the Right Thing, Do the Right Thing with a Rap!

(Sadly, it didn't really convince many of those poor kids although they enjoyed the song writing and performing. It was very difficult for them to recognise the 'Right Thing' in any situation. They just reacted, but the principle still holds true ☺)

My sister bullied me from childhood ( she even held my head under the water at the seaside ). She caused me untold distress and a friend advised me to "divorce" her which I did. However after years of no contact I did send a letter to her asking if we could be "sisters" as we are both getting on. I had a nasty negative reply but then two years ago I felt I needed to try once more and I telephoned. She was abusive and put the phone down. She died two weeks later. I don't regret trying to speak with her but I do regret all those years of distress. What was she thinking of and why me. I have to put it all to rest but sometimes it still upsets me and I wonder what else I could have done. I think that the suggestion of flowers and a note is a good idea. Families eh!