No sister for 10 years

I agree.it's never too late to make amends.better late than never.

If you would have/could have turned up in the past , why not do so now.,or give her a call, unless you are certain that ,that would upset her greatly. Best wishes with what ever you decide.Regret works in both directions, you are probably more likely to regret not trying , than trying .

When my Stepfather split up from his first wife, his adult daughter rejected him lock, stock and barrel. He was never given the chance to explain why he felt the marriage had failed. All his cards to her were never acknowledged and when she had kids, gifts were returned. Eventually he gave up. However, when he had a stroke, I tracked a friend of his daughter down and asked her to let her know. Within 24 hours she had contacted me and made arrangements to visit. When he died 3 weeks later, my step-father had met all his grandchildren and made peace with his daughter.
At the funeral I spoke to her and she said that at first she had been so hurt on her mother's behalf who put pressure on her to abandon her Dad. She eventually realised how hard it was for her Dad to stay married to her Mum after her Mum moved in with her but felt she had behaved so badly she didn't feel entitled to contact her father. Naturally she was devastated for the years missed but both of them were so pleased they had reconnected.
Send your letter OP, don't let regret haunt you.

Yes please send that letter

I like Newnanny’s suggestion of flowers with a note saying you are sorry to hear that she is ill and asking if there is anything you can do to help. It’s enough to show that you are thinking of her and are offering an olive branch. She can then contact you, or ask someone else to do so on her behalf.

To those saying they wouldn’t want any contact with someone they had a fued with if they were on their deathbed, if you read Nurses accounts from those times, or even use your imagination, you’ll realise that pettiness is irrelevant when you know your life is ending. No one says ‘I wish I had worked longer hours, or I wish I had had more conflict’.

Flowers with a note, just to let her know you are thinking of her. I don't think you would have posted if you wanted to do nothing.

We are all in different situations with our families. My example below is extreme. I'd like to tell it because the assumption that sisters can be close no matter what can be very wrong

blueskies Same here, my sister was older than me. Resented a new baby. She did not speak to me. Ever. Not once,even in our childhood.

She died two years ago. She was fifty six .
Still hadn't spoken a single word to me.

She despised our family and chose the single life and loads of friends. Friends who tailed off and left her alone in her last year of terminal illness.
She and I have some mutual friends from school days so i know some of the detail of her death.

She was dead and buried a while before I heard through the grapevine about her death.
I can honestly say that I don't care a jot.

Write to her.

gmelon, in your circumstances there was no regret but Silverlady obviously regrets/recognises her behaviour in the rift so, for her, it seems like a letter is appropriate.
I don't understand how anybody can resent their siblings just because they were born but maybe that is why my resentment of one mine began when I was in my fifties!

To those saying they wouldn’t want any contact with someone they had a fued with if they were on their deathbed, if you read Nurses accounts from those times ..
.......
Speak to a few nurses and you'll also hear that estranged relatives can cause the person's actual loved ones distress when they appear out of the woodwork at the worst possible time.

In your place I would write that letter and say I regretted the past.

If you don't, as like as not you will continue wondering if you should have written.

If she writes, phones or sends a message by a third party inviting you to come and see her, go. If you don't get and answer, at least you know you tried to heal the rift.

I think a short note saying how sad you feel to have heard of her illness. Perhaps reference to your regrets about the relationship, maybe something about a memory of happy times and then leave it. If she responds great, if she doesn’t, you can rest in the knowledge you have made an effort.

Sometimes its welcome sometimes it is not. Trouble is if you are ill you might not have the emotional strength to stick up for yourself, leaving your nearest and dearest in a difficult position re whether or not to object to contact that the ill person may not want.

If you write dont say anything you wouldnt mean if she was well. Dont say you regret the past/want a relationship if you are likely to fall back into old patterns with each other if she does pull through.

If you do write say something that would be true if she was well. Such as that you wish her well from a distance.

I'm sorry but I can't offer you advice. It's such a personal situation. Very sad for all of you I think.
A dear friend of mine died this year. I heard last week her son died. His only sibling has refused to claim his body. This breaks my heart, for their mum, who would be very distressed by this.
I hope what ever decision you make is the right one for you ?

Are you able to imagine that you have posted your letter?
How do you feel? Will you have new worries created by posting the letter?

If there is no reply how can you be sure the letter reached her?

Maybe a relation could relay a message.

If it was me I would send a card saying I had heard she was ill. Write about some happy childhood memory. Say that if she would like you to visit, you would be pleased to & for her to let you know. The choice is hers, you have offered the olive branch.

I would definitely write. Life is too short for quarrels and estrangements with family, especially those we shared a childhood home with. I understand that serious illness can bring us up with a jolt - things can just drift in the ordinary course of things. Either one of you could have made the first move over the years, but neither did, so now you have a good opportunity to do so, if you wish it. I'd go with my gut feeling on this - do you still love your sister? Are you sorry you drifted apart? If so, please do write - if she rejects your overture, that is sad, but at least you won't be tormented by 'if only' and 'what if'. Someone has to make the first move. All the best to you both.

Write to your sister,when people are really ill any kindness helps,otherwise the rest of your life you will be sorry and look back with regret.Try to think of good things that you did together as children,funny saying family said,places you lived etc.maybe send a photo then see what happens.It will be good for you both and she may have regrets too---------we choose our friends but we all have family life gives us,good luck.

Gosh notanan I have counted 10 posts on this thread from you. Why ,oh why, do you feel so strongly that it isnt right to try and repair a rift between sisters? I cannot understand your viewpoint at all.

I haven't spoken to my sister or brother for over 19 years now and don't have any intention of doing so. I did feel sad for my sister when her husband died recently as I have been a widow for 20 years and know how hard a loss it is but I didn't feel I should contact her about it. My son (who lives in the USA) is in touch with her and has been all the time and I would not stop that. I would not want to hear from her or from my brother if I were seriously ill/dying, it would, to be brutally honest, just annoy me.

I’ve always wished I had a sister (I have two lovely SiLs who have known me most of my life so I’m lucky in that) and am sorry to hear of rifts like this. My brother (only sibling) hasn’t spoken to me for nearly twenty years and I have no idea why. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to heal the rift but he isn’t interested. And I certainly wouldn’t want him to turn up at my death bed!
But that’s not what OP is suggesting (nor will she be crawling out of the woodwork ...), she’s suggesting writing a letter. I think sending it via another family member who could test the water and see how the sister felt would be a good idea.
I’m really hoping that are able to make peace with your sister OP - surely that’s the best thing for all concerned?

Gosh notanan I have counted 10 posts on this thread from you. Why ,oh why, do you feel so strongly that it isnt right to try and repair a rift between sisters?.

I dont. You missunderstand.
I think if a rift can be fixed that is wonderful. BOTH parties have to be able to do so. Its all a bit empty, one sided and disingenuous to do it now IMO. Its too late, if the OP genuinely wanted to fix the rift, she would have done it some time in the last 10 year when there was still some potential for a 2 way relationship.

IF contact is made now it needs to minimise the possible upset it could cause: there have been some good suggestions about how to do this.

The OP may feel better but the recipients and those around them may feel worse and question "why now?"

There is no "risk" to the OP but its really 50:50 as to whether the contact at the other end is welcomed or causes more upset for them at an already hard time.

If I was ill I would want the people who had been PART of my life prior to the run up contacting me, not people who said they had "no sister" for the 10 yrs prior, I just wouldnt have the energy to deal with it if I was already ill.

My sister and I didn't speak for 25 yrs and then out of the blue I decided to write to her. We corresponded for a while and then met up. It was strange at first but now we're very good friends and meet up every week. Go on write that letter. You'll always be wondering what could have been otherwise. Worst that can happen is that she won't reply.

My advice would be to do whatever your gut is telling you to do.
My own sister wrote me off more than 10 years ago,and it hurt initially but I can see why she did it. I was the only one from her childhood that she saw and given how difficult our childhoods were I can see that I maybe brought up memories for her which she would rather have kept in the cupboard.
We all have to do what's best for ourselves.
I'm not hurt anymore, just sad she couldn't get over our bad childhood.

Of all the sister stories here, I find gmelon's the strangest. Your older sister did not speak to you even when you were children. She did not speak to you "ever". What an awful childhood that must have been. I don't blame you for not caring a "jot" about her dying, considering you had no relationship with her.
You obviously are doing ok despite all that. Good for you !