Mixed feelings about becoming a grandmother; is this normal?

It’s not uncommon to feel like this, especially if you tend to overthink. I was the same when my dd announced her pregnancy. She couldn’t understand my reaction, nor could I actually, but she too has had a few health problems over the years and i was concerned.
However being a gp is wonderful, and a chance of spending time with the child of your child.
I understand why you are worrying but think once the baby is born all will fall into place. Wishing you as much joy as I have had.

I don’t know what normal is, as everyone is different. My daughter had massive depression after twins but finally got medical help after a lot of persuasion. It certainly coloured her first 6 months and as a Mum I wanted her to have the joy of her new children. After this life improved dramatically. I was there for her daily to give support (at her request) except for the weekend. Other grandchildren lived on the other side of the world and I’ve seen them maybe annually. The best suggestion I can give is to celebrate and be happy for her. Offer the support you feel able to give, get to know your Grandchildren as well as you can. These days we are lucky to be able to connect via the internet. Congratulations, enjoy.

I was very upset when my youngest daughter announced her pregnancy. I wanted her to be more established in her career and felt that her partner (now husband) was unlikely to look after her as much I thought he should. As it turns out my grandson is the light of my life (as is his Mum) and SIL well he improved a bit but I think daughter is on the way to giving him the sack.

I had three grandchildren within ten months and I think I worried every day! I think it’s normal to be concerned, but don’t let that cloud your happiness in anticipating the birth of your first grandchild. And, whatever you do, don’t let on to your daughters!

I think you are quite normal to have mixed feelings. I still do and the oldest gc is 5 now! I veer from feeling excluded to feeling grateful I am not expected to be at the beck and call of a rather selfish individual.

The age old story of the maternal grandmother being overpowering and always there - a battle I am not prepared to fight. As the "spare" (I am the stepgran) I am in a different position and have slowly found my niche in complex family dynamics. Many posts on these fora have helped me realise I am not alone and that many of the feelings I have are understandable So newgran2019 please do not think you are alone in having mixed or conflicting feelings.

I was a bit dubious about becoming a grandmother (I only have one granddaughter). I was 50 and felt I was too young! Oh the feeling when she was born. She is 18 now and I can't believe how much I love her. Your feelings will probably settle and completely change when you see the child. Good luck.

We all worry. It wouldn't be normal if we didn't and our minds tend to work overtime as we mull over different things,but let me tell you that it's all worth it in the end when you see these little people emerge. Best feeling in the world especially if you see them often as I did and to watch them growing.

I looked forward whole heartedly to becoming a grandmother, but in the first few months found it difficult to relate to DGD or see her as a family member. She cried endlessly and to a certain extent we 'lost' DS and DDiL in their need to cope with her. Her birth also coincided with a number of deaths in the family, including my DF, so that did not help.

That feeling that she was the cuckoo in the nest passed after a few months and she soon felt as much part of the family as everybody else, she is now 11 and we love each other to bits.

Any change like this is seismic and while some take it in their stride, some of us get a bit unsettled, but it all settles down and all but a tiny minority become devoted to their grandchildren. Some too much.

Thanks for the supportive replies. MOnica, it's interesting that you say some seem to love their GC too much. I am somewhat daunted by all the friends and posts saying I will go nuts over my granddaughter and be obsessed by her; I am not really a 'baby' person - preferring older children I can talk to! - and while I deeply love and value my own three I didn't really revel in their baby and toddler days and can't see why I should be any different with GD - apart from the fact that I'm not responsible for her, so the pressure is off!

How can you love a child too much ? Just curious ,I've always thought they can be spoilt by things but never by( too much ) love .

paddyann of course you can’t love a child too much.
But some grandparents seem to expect too much in return - that they will be too big a part of their grandchildren’s lives and almost relive their own parenthood, and in doing so, causing friction between themselves and the child’s parents.
newgran congratulations. I agree with ayse that everyone is different. Take your lead from your DD and your grandchild as to how much support they need. It will all fall into place as long as you are sensitive as to how they want you to fit in with their family & don’t impose your wishes on them.
Good luck

I think M0nica meant " Some too much " in an entirely different context than the way it's viewed. Though I could be wrong.

Grandchildren are a joy, a blessing and a drain on your purse. I should know, I have 6.
Congratulations Newgran. Don't worry too much...I'm sure everything will go well. Shame they're moving 250 miles away.
All my family live near and I have been the 'go to' childminder. When I was younger, it was ok, but now that I'm older and with health issues, I'm finding it tough going.
Good luck!

newgran2019 What I meant is that if you go through the threads on 'relationships, you will find thread after thread about grandmothers so besotted by their grandchildren that they are demanding to see them every day, three times a week, when ever they turn up etc etc and the parents are trying to say 'no, that is too much.' In desperation to bring their children up as they wish, not as a grandmother demands some eventually cut the grandparents off completely.

I think you are highly unlikely to do that, apart from anything else, you live 250 miles away. I live 200 miles from my DGC, the other grandmother lives a few miles away. Both of us love our DGC dearly. But both of us have stood back, been available to help when needed, but not pushed ourselves on them. Their parents are the ones responsible for the children and know what is best for them. We do not.

It has worked so well that when we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary this year , we all went on holiday together for a week.

I'm not really a 'baby' person, and that didn't change when I had grandchildren.
Quite a few people seemed to think I would become obsessed with them, but I didn't, and haven't still.

Please don't worry newgran, as you name says, its all very new. If you can just relax and be sensitive to the needs of the young family I'm sure all will be well. In my view its usual to feel a bit odd about becoming a grandparent, after all we haven't done it before any more than the parents to be have. There are many ways to be a grandparent. I also wasn't besotted with my own babies, preferred it as they became a little older. I found with my grandchildren that it was different, perhaps because I was less anxious and the ultimate responsibility wasn't mine. The fact that you have concerns is, in my view, positive and an excellent indicator of a wonderful relationship with the whole family. Do keep in touch, lots of support here.

I feel the same way MissAdventure not everyone is besotted by babies but its probably not politic on this forum to say so. I love my grandchildren and always have but even more now they are grown up.
Newgran I am sure you will love this new addition to the family but that doesn't mean besotted, we all have different ways of showing our love, don't over think this.

We are all different so nothing can be classed as normal. I was ecstatic at the births of all my 5 GC and have loved every minute of all the various stages. Chat to your daughter and discuss what she would like from you, your involvement etc It’s a learning curve for you both, so good luck ....

Congratulations! Please don't be dissapointed if you are not asked to be involved when the baby is due or first born. Lots of parents like to have this special time to themselves and this helps the parental bond . I live within 45mins of mine so could pop over with a prepared meal or a pile of returned washing but we didnt stay long and didnt interfere. Difficult when you live so far but am sure you can think of ways to be supportive.

Hi, Worry is fairly normal, especially when you know what having a new born around is like.
I was delighted when my 1st grandchild was born ( into an extended family) to Eldest son.. I now look after her every week she is a joy at 8. But like you I am worried about my youngest son who has just announced his fiancee is pregnant -this will also be an extended family, but my worry is money neither is good with money even though son has a good job and I will be too far away to help as 2.5 hrs drive much ( plus am much older now) - secretly delighted though! Am in knitting/sewing frenzy and am doing a baby box- just a bit of added support for them. Can't wait!

newgrang as already said on here, everyone reacts differently. Unfortunately when my dd2 announced she was pregnant I did upset her because I didn’t jump up and down for joy! I wasn’t over the moon about it because I knew it was going to change my life immensely. However when dgs arrived I immediately fell in love with him. Again when dd1 announced she was pregnant I was actually upset. She didn’t want children and was herself devastated by this “accident” though her partner of 12 years is delighted. This time I know my life will definitely change as, because she hasn’t a lot of money she is intending to go back to work after 3-4 months and as her partner works away a lot I know my life will change because of babysitting demands. I am sure I will love this baby when she arrives though.

I looked after my son's three children on numerous occasions due to both parents working. My daughter lived in Canada so I couldn't help much with her daughter, except when we went on holiday there.

Most of the time the children were lovely, but they could also be naughty and rude, and then I wished I did not have to look after them! Now I don't regret anything and am always glad to see them although they are all grown up now. Not everybody is a born grandma just as not everybody is a born mum.
By the way the use of letters instead of full words is very annoying because I can't always work out what they mean. What is a DGD? and DS etc?

Honestly what you are feeling and over thinking about is all quite 'normal' you say your DD has had health issues so naturally you are going to be thinking round that. When baby arrives I am sure you will be a lovely gran and enjoy him or her in your own way. Bear in mind that when you were mum you were in charge of solving all the day to day problems of a family but now you are going to be gran and have to give support and hardest thing of all, keep quiet. Good luck and enjoy.

I think it’s natural that a “ promotion “ up to the next level of the family tree should make you think about your own experiences of being a parent and a child yourself and those feelings can be overwhelming , especially if you carry the pain of having post natal depression . I know this is exactly how I felt . However , you will know how to be truly supportive as you know what was missing in your own experiences. Having a new grandchild is like falling in love . Just wonderful . But it can throw us into reflective mode .