Coercive control

Control either side, man or woman is wrong. I think that a lot of decent men are kept from seeing their children when a relationship breaks down because the women want them to suffer. Equally any man that treats his wife and family like sone of you have posted area disgrace, goodness knows how children get a balanced view on partnerships. It is all very sad, this controlling of another person, you are taking their life away.

Yes and its so insidious as others have said. Starts out as caring and loving and soon moves on to control without the partner realising what is going on. I know someone married to a person like this and all she can see is how much he cares about her not that she is being alienated from friends and family. So sad.

'social workers tend to assume the woman is telling the truth' - I know that.. because a social worker told me so.

Nonnie - I accept that one social worker made this statement to you. That social worker may have assumed the mother was telling the truth, a decent worker would investigate, analyse and reach a tentative conclusion before testing that out over the course of time.

I can say from experience of psychological abuse that it is not easy to 'pick up the phone' or even tell anyone else what is happening. You lose your sense of agency and wonder who you are - you almost disappear. It takes a long time to find the strength to do the terrifying thing of leaving - how on earth will someone survive, who is so insignificant and maybe has no work outside the home ? And if you leave, he will have periods with the children without you there to stand between him and them - to protect them emotionally and psychologically. If you've not experienced these things they are hard to understand. If you are experiencing something like this, do find someone to talk to - those first steps seem huge, but they can be done and you can have a future where you can be free and find a happier life. I say this while knowing that the abusive person also has his demons - he too is suffering - but we need to look after ourselves and our children. Who to talk to? I am not sure who is the best person to start with - your doctor? Maybe others can advise (I've not been able to see the video - maybe that answers this)

* Nonnie* and others who have mentioned abuse by women, you are so right.
My son had 2 friends who have taken their lives as a result of the behaviour of their female partners and a third who is struggling with depression. All as a result of being denied access to their children and their family home.
Some of the worst physical and emotional abuse cases I worked with were inflicted by women upon their partners. Information sometimes came from the children.
In one case the father was arrested, placed in a bail hostel and only when I interviewed him did he consent to show me his horrific injuries, inflicted with a poker on his back, arms, shins and head by his wife.
I have considerable experience of all forms of emotional and physical abuse and if professionals took time to delve and not just assume or accept what they initially see, or are told, then there would be a different perspective and outlook.

My sister got married 5 years ago, aged 60, and her husband is 'controlling'! NO abuse whatsoever! It is a very loving relationship. My sister willingly allows him to make all the decisions to the point of asking him while we're on the phone together. In his defence, my BiL is uncomfortable with the situation but neither of us can find a way to change her behaviour. We, her family, are just grateful that she has a kind, generous, loving husband.
Having friends who have been in abusive relationships I recognise the differences. One of those friends, who walked away from that situation, is now, after 5 years apart, back with her abusive partner despite years of counselling. Ťo say that her family are devestated and extremely concerned for her and her 2 children, is a major understatement.
Abuse, whether from parents, siblings, partners, whoever is wrong, and there is no excuse whatsoever.

Meaning 90% of respondents had good relationships. Not a bad ratio in my book.

Sorry to argue a point Squiffy, but coercive controllers know exactly what they're doing. They have a choice, just like the rest of us and they choose to make the victim's life miserable because they enjoy seeing the effect it has on them. I should know. I was there for longer than I care to mention. Proving you have been a victim of coercive control is another matter altogether and virtually impossible - and not just because the controllers are usually compulsive, pathological liars.

I have ‘lived experience’ of being in a long marriage in which my husband used coercive control. I know that he is a deeply damaged, as well as damaging, man. On the one hand I can feel a level of compassion for him, but on another he has robbed me of so much and his attempts to destroy me psychologically have left me with a lot of deep scars to try and recover from (if I ever fully do...). It has also impacted on my children. He appears to be without guilt or remorse and, as I have moved a long way away to get away from him; he has as taken over my friendship groups and created his own narrative, which of course includes how caring he is and how ‘difficult’ I was, about my leaving, ensuring he has a narcissistic supply to replace my leaving and justify his often cruel behaviour. When I asked him why he had treated me as he had his response was “because I thought I could get away with it”. He is, of course, a well respected long standing (now retired) professional, amusing, charismatic and his family have rallied around him. During our long marriage I said nothing as I was made to feel worthless and to blame - an object of scorn and derision - and as well as a deep sense of shame felt no-one would believe me. I lost all trust (although had, as so many do, started a marriage, far too young, with enormous optimism) and became extremely scared of him. All the tactics of minimisation, denial, gaslighting, contempt were used against me and made me feel as though I was both bad and mad. I’ve still got a long way to go and don’t think I will ever trust someone enough to form another relationship (and, yes, he destroyed my sexual confidence too through marital rape and belittling me). It’s OK to be ‘theoretical’ about this, but, please, if you are trying to convince yourself that it must be your fault that you’re not happy in a marriage to a man who blames you, belittles you and puts you down in private for your unhappiness then don’t wait as long as I did thinking you could cope with it, that it would somehow get better if you tried harder, or should just accept it as the way marriage is. GO! It’s not an easy decision, and it’s a long and difficult road but it’s far better than the alternative of giving up on yourself.

March 2017 - March 2018, 1.9m people in England and Wales – 1.2 women and 713,000 men – experienced domestic abuse, according to the Office for National Statistics. Two women are killed every week in England by a partner or ex-partner

January - September 2017, at least 106 UK women have been killed by men, or where a man is the principal suspect which equates to one women dead every 2.6 days.

Nine in 10 women killed in 2016 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland died at the hands of someone they knew, family member of current/former partner. Only 9 were killed by a stranger.

Services to support people experiencing domestic abuse have faced severe cuts since 2010, when the coalition government came to power.

One woman dead every three days: domestic abuse in numbers

www.theguardian.com/public-leaders-network/2017/dec/14/domestic-abuse-violence-women-femicide-review-refuge-cuts-in-numbers?

Oops
Nine in 10 women killed in 2016 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland died at the hands of someone they knew, family member or current/former partner. Only 9 were killed by a stranger.

Sara a very moving post. I hope your new life works out and you find some peace and contentment

Iam yes, in theory everything you say is true but in practice it doesn't happen like that. I do have reason to know.

Just imagine a few scenarios:

1 A woman calls the police and says a man is abusing her, they come but find no proof. Because there are young children social services are informed. She does it again, she tells the school or nursery, she builds a picture of an abused woman. What it the social worker supposed to think? There has been no abuse and the man doesn't want to tell the SW all the details because he is worried that the children will be taken away.

2 A couple split up and she is angry so does all she can to punish him. She keeps his property, she stalks him, she won't let him see his children she lies to the CSA about his earnings, she drives him to suicide.

Yes, these things happen, there are some really abusive women, just not many whose physical abuse gets reported and therefore are not in the statistics.

I reiterate, I know women are abused but I think that we should be fair and the media should pay some attention to men who are abused too. If they did then more men would feel able to report the abuse but, at the moment, I suspect it is for the most part hidden.

There is more help than ever nowadays and women are, by and large, much stronger. They have jobs and are not totally reliant on their husband's income.
It's sad that people need to be coercive or abusive in order to 'be' somebody. Is it genetic or learned behaviour or is it due to trauma in childhood which makes them overly controlling?
I hsd a friend whose H would ring several times when I took her for lunch, wouldn't let her wear trousers and called her dreadful names. She was popular with many friends. He became a nobody when he retired, as he'd been in the glow of showbusiness for all of his married life, 50+ years. I once booked a surprise meal for the 3 of us and he wanted to know where it was (I wouldn't say) and 'tell them who I am and they'll give us the best table)

Contd...best table'. As if. He lived in the past and had no male friends whatsoever, no hobbies other than yelling at his wife and bringing her to tears. She'd beg me not to say anything to him. In the end their daughters stopped visiting and so (reluctantly) did I. She was such a wonderful person and I probably only saw half of what went on.

You are so right Misadventure...’coercive’ people don’t realise that what they are doing IS. abusive! My husband has always gotten his own way ...even after the children were born....his wants and his needs of which there are so many ALWAYS had to come first. He was a shift worker ...and he made it his excuse for incredible laziness and for mostly ignoring the kids. I HAD to keep them quiet for hours at a time when he was trying to sleep ( usually 10 hours a day) ...it meant hours either playing in park or walking them round the streets or visiting friends ...I could never just keep them home and let them loose in their own garden. If I was ill and didn’t want to go out, the stream of insults was incredible from questioning my parenting skills to the validity of thier parentage( in front of them). He was and is an obnoxious excuse for s man. Tomorrow is my birthday ...my kids and grandkids are taken me out for lunch ....my husband has said he’s not going to be there as his football team is ‘on the telly’ and he’s not prepared to miss that for my birthday treat......I think you have the gist!!!

Nonnie the murder statistics ( the most extreme form of physical abuse) are very very very clear. No one doubts there are examples like yours but most abuse is very real and very underreported and very much aimed at women

What I can't understand is the length of time the woman is with a controlling partner before she realises that " something is wrong ?" It goes into many years in some cases.

He sounds an absolute treasure, saggi!
Have the happiest of days on your birthday, in spite of him.
You know it will enrage him.

I think some of the coercive partners can be very charming, very charismatic at their best.
They don't start their larks straight away, and often its very subtle in the beginning.

EV but part of the explanation is the very process that coercive control entails - rewriting normal, gaslighting, undermining - it’s very very clever

Sara a brave post. By enjoying your new life and your independence you'll go a long way to redressing the balance. I wish you well.
Saggi why are you still with him?
He can't change now but you can. Sending supporting vibes.

Bordering on psychopathy I'd say Maryaliza.

Maryeliza *

With coercive control I think you'll find that someone within the family is responsible in causing/creating this type of behaviour. A violent father ? An overly zealous mother ? Nobody is born this way.