Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

Aha! Found my post - for some reason there was a large white gap in the thread which has now rectified itself

Can anyone suggest an over the counter medication that would boost my imagination.
I feel that I am being left far behind!
I have tried the Chemists Shop thread ( fully realising that I will be again reported by the more responsible of you for x referencing other threads ) but to no avail.

Our son has returned home after being in his flat for two years he's no bother and trying to save for his own house but as you say it has to be what you all want. I hasten to add I do cooking and washing for him as I'm his mam and don't mind he got up this morning changed his bed and room immaculate and we do all get on so... It's horses for courses our home will always be his.

Stop feeding him , tell your husband its him or you and clean up his room throwing all the stinky clothes in a black bag, and put it out for the binmen.
Take back your power.
I like the idea of going away for a week by yourself.
Who owns the property ?
Febreeze is full of chemicals that disrupt your body.

Its not really about the bad habits its about the fact that you don't come first with your husband. That would be ok if the child was 2 but at 26 it's just disrespect.
If you work and are independent perhaps it's time to be on your own and not being a housekeeper to 2 men who don't care for you at all.

I wonder how "on board" the OP was with stepson moving in from the start. It could be why the DH refuses to discuss it or turns the blame on her. We only have one side of the story.
If it were my husband, I would be asking what he wants for his son in the long run and ask him to draw up a plan for that to happen. I'd try to do it without major criticism because, as a parent, I feel compelled to defend my child much more than I would anyone else. I think going from a position of how can "we" help him might be far better than "this AC is driving me mad and I don't want him here." If you were my better half, moving out would just make me think you were trying to make me choose between my son and you, which doesn't make you look like the better person.
Twice I've had step-children (with their families) home to live with us and my husband is the nicest of people, but his children come first, as do mine so I fully understand it. In each case it has been their partners who have driven us mad so we helped them step back out into their own private space. I suspect your stepson is worried about how he'd cope so it is easier to stay put.

It seems to me that whilst you have let them both get away with things it has gotten worse. Stop doing your husbands cooking washing ironing and stick to it, tell him how you feel put it in writing if needs be.

He sounds like he’s suffering from depression in everything you say about him. My son is mid thirties and still lives with me as do two of my not much younger daughters and I love the company, so not complaining, however when their dad died Christmas 2017 my son changed. He tries to put on a brave front and be his usual self but he’s withdrawn, his room is a mess and he doesn’t socialise. For him it’s his way of dealing with grief, his dad was a major part of his life with three sisters and the only man he could talk freely to. I do his washing, as well as my daughters and I change the sheets because without a little help he’d sink even further.
Talk to you husband and him together, ask for a ‘house meeting’ to discuss how you all feel but leave any animosity behind because depression is awful and criticism only makes it even worse.

Oh boy can I relate to this! My Stepson is also 26 and moved back in with us at the end of January after the breakdown of his relationship. He has three children; a step daughter aged 7, a daughter aged 4 and a son aged 2. They come every other weekend. Not only is he a lazy slob, he just abdicates all responsibility for the children to my husband and I. We actually can’t throw him out (it’s complicated and because of the children) but every other weekend our entire weekend is taken up with the kids. The children aren’t actually the problem, they’re hard work, but it’s his ungrateful and entitled attitude that’s the problem. He can’t be prevailed upon to tidy his room and it is a festering cess pit. He rarely works, pays no board and is monumentally inconsiderate. I have come to the conclusion that stressing about it is counterproductive. Easier said than done, but try to let it go unless you are willing to risk your marriage. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss it with your husband, but try to discuss it in a reasonable without accusations and blame, maybe that way you come to some agreement and a plan that works for all of you. Good luck

I would just say to him you are going away for a bit of a holiday, don't tell him where or for how long and just go. Then when you are away think about your future do you want to fight this or end the marriage.

Please can I say something in this thread.
I've had a lot of experience with my own "failure to launch" 20-something and I'd beg the OP to be firm (not being a dogsbody) but also patient.
My son was like this for years, he dropped out of uni 3 times, he had no friends, he was virtually unemployable despite never having got into trouble with the law, or messed with drugs. Though he refused treatment at the time he now accepts that he went through years of clinical depression and I'd say it was possible the OP's stepson is in a similar place. I feel for you, but also for your husband and in particular his son who may be hating himself inside.
It's really hard for people who have well-adjusted, self-starter ACs to grasp what it feels like to see your own child simply go into a shell for months and years, living an isolated life, never coming out of their room except for meals (if you're lucky) and contributing very little or nothing to the running of the home. Many people understandably say things like "throw him out", "make rules", "make him pay rent" but have no suggestions as to how to make this happen.
The best you can do sometimes is to keep a safe space for them to live in, make sure they have food, and keep encouraging them to get involved with anything that might help but bear in mind nothing much will work that they have not initiated themselves: it's the old "the person has to want to change" problem.
Having said that I'd suggest you identify a small number - maybe just one or two - specific jobs in the home which he has to do at specific times. OK so he won't clean his own room but he could be responsible for vacuuming the living room every Friday afternoon, for example. Hold him to it. Thank him graciously when he does it.

Good post sarah.

Its one thing to support our adult children in times of difficulty, its quite another to be treated like a skivvy in one's own home. I'm sorry but I would not be allowing this to happen in my house. If there is no evidence of illness either physical or mental then the stepson would pull his weight or leave.

sarahcyn, great understanding post. My brother was one who couldn't be "launched" and it took years for us to realise he was suffering major anxiety about things other people just get on with. Outwardly he seemed ok but internally he was a complete mess. I think a lot of young males suffer from this but it isn't very manly to say so. We have to look beyond the surface and at 26 he isn't exactly old!

Why can't you tell him to get his act together don't push food around

Why do women, and it is mainly women, marry a man with children and then expect to come first? Nobody asks to be born, it is the parents decision to have that lovely cute little baby, but much like puppies grow into dogs, human babies grow into adults. Still that lump of cells etc that made the baby, therefore still the parents child! A child is for life not just until you remarry. Women if you can’t stand the 1st children do not enter into a relationship with the father, or vice a versa (sp) for men. It’s little wonder the world is in such a state with so many step children being treated harshly by all and sundry step parents.

Hang on there! Peep It was his birth mother who threw him out. This poor 2nd wife has put up with an intolerable situation for 2 years.

Yes his mother did throw him out so he turned to his father, who happened to have a 2nd wife that obviously doesn’t care to have a step son. None of us know the background ie when the 1st marriage ended or if the father had proper contact with the child/ren etc. It does make me very cross however that subsequent partners appear to expect to come first in a man/woman’s life. They have a choice to proceed with that relationship or not. The child has no choice and then ends up being vilified for daring to have been born!!

The person in question is not a "child" but a grown adult!

she has put up with it for 2 years ! He has a job , but is still being treated like an adolescent by his Dad ,

Well said, Grammaretto, phoenix and aggie ...

Gabrielle but it is her partners son ,should he turn his back ? I'd hate to think my husband would ever walk away from our children,though theres no chance of that happening.
Fathers have feelings too ,if the OP cant handle her OH's son she should have perhaps thought about that BEFORE having a relationship with his father.Regardless of age people sometimes need help .And no its not self abuse in my case as suggested up thread.
My children took a lot of time to get and I appreciate every day with them and with their children.When my son came home he was a shell of a young man and without support he may well not be here today .Thats support from us and from medical professionals .I dont understand why anyone would turn away from their own flesh and blood for a new partner .

Well said paddy and I was brought up in a loveless home it's a step mum and it was difficult to say the least.my dads been dead 20 years and I still visit my step mum in a home. I viewed never to turn my back on any of my sons if I was fortunate to have any they are for life not just for childhood!

I didn’t say the 26 year old was a child now, but all adults were children to begin with and didn’t ‘ask’ to be born, that was the parents decision initially and as such should, in my opinion, continue to support their ‘child’ until they are either dead or medically unable.

Well everyone was a child to begin with..
Adult relationships work on a give and take basis, and I question why people still need to treat their grown up 'children' as if they're toddlers.

Why then, don't parents take responsibility for their own children instead of asking their parents to do the job they should be doing?

Does it mean that GPs should care for and support their ACs into adulthood and beyond as well as the ACs children. Where does it stop?
I thought that you nurtured children into adulthood and gave them the tools ie: education, love, morals, knowledge, social and personal skills, to cope with looking after and supporting themselves and life in general.
I don't see how that squares with AC looking to parents to, not only in many cases, care for them when things go wrong, but also to care for their children. When do the GPs ever get their own time, or are they always the backstop for their AC, GC and GGC until death? Who cares for the GP?