Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

It starts early.
Mothers, and it's usually mothers, who don't teach their children, male or female, to be independent and do everything for themselves from an early age, are reaping a whirlwind.
This OP is, sadly, reaping what someone else has sown.

It's too late to expect young people to change when they become adolescents.
My sons were taught, even as toddlers, to toddle into their rooms and put their clean t-shirts away (who cared if they were crumpled in the drawer) and they loved cooking and pushing the vac around.
Later they were taught all the relevant age-appropriate tasks. This was never 'helping Mummy' as I felt that made them think they were doing my work, when what they were actually doing was taking their share of what needed doing.

When my son went into the army, he was the only one in his battalion who knew how to iron his uniform.
When he was at home on leave, he shared a discussion he and his mates had in the barracks.
'If you make your sons helpless by refusing to teach them domestic skills, you emasculate them and they resent it, and you. It also makes them dependent rather than in charge of their lives, which most men hate. They take women for granted because they (the young men) have no idea what goes into making their lives easy.'

So it really does have to start when they are very young.
Independence take time to learn and for the OP's stepson, it's already far too late.

*BradfordLass72
*I couldn't agree more. Never a truer word was uttered.
I did the same with my children, boys *and *girls, as you did for yours.

I find on GN many posters can only see things from their own experience. No situation is the same. On one hand an adult who is twenty six and can’t be bothered to shower, keep their bedroom clean, do their share of housework and pull their weight to their ability financially while living with parents/step parents. It’s not the same as an adult living with parents/step parents who is pleasant to have around and does their share and is financially responsible and pays their share. It’s also not at all the same as a child having a difficult time living with step parents.

My advice would be move out Rowan55.. If it was an adult step child and it was their home before the poster came along my advice would be suck it up or don’t move in. If it was the child living with a difficult step parent my advice to the parent would be put your child first.

GabriellaG54 Well said. Our parents had it hard.
Our generation had it more easier with far more opportunities.
In turn we heaped on our children all the things we never had, so much so that they expect more and more.
Our retirement means that our children expect free child minding and our plans revolve around such responsibilities.
Our retirement starts when grandchildren reach self sufficiency, by which time the only view that I expect to have is the roots of daisies.

This is a difficult problem if your husband will not discuss the problems you have with his son.

Don't do anything in haste, you may find yourself without anywhere to live.
Since you have not got anywhere with the son you need to think about what you really want to do.

I know how I would deal with this situation but whatever anyone suggests it is your decision but don't make yourself worse off and think long and hard about the financial implications if you do leave.

Our generation had it more easier with far more opportunities. In turn we heaped on our children all the things we never had, so much so that they expect more and more. Our retirement means that our children expect free child minding and our plans revolve around such responsibilities

Speak for yourself hotmt. And certainly please don’t include me in your wild generalisations.
Why do you suppose that everyone of our generation brought up their children as you did? Or that everyone’s grownup children expect their parents’ lives to revolve round them?

Can you as a holding measure do a little bit if cleaning or tidying in his room eac h day? Maybe take away a few items of clothes to wash, or remove dirty dishes or empty the rubbish bin. I have 5 sons and some have at times had very messy rooms and I have done this. They don't seem to notice if the room isn't blitzed or at least don't seem to mind.

While I agree with Bradford every child is different. I taught both my children the basic skills but my son can cook, iron, sew etc and my daughter cannot thread a needle!

Before doing anything drastic I would wait for a good moment and try in a non-aggressive way to discuss this with your partner again and see if there is a compromise.

Sounds like husband feels guilty that son's parents are not together (ie him and ex wife) and is therefore over compensating.

As he is working, is he paying board? If not suggests he does and hire a cleaner to do the house but to home in on his room, washing ironing and cleaning.
Getting him to open a window every morning would help too. I'm afraid I'm not a fan of artificial air fresheners.

janeainsworth
I would have found your post slightly more interesting if you had related your skills instead of denigrating my well intentioned and truthful observations.

Rowan55 can I just ask did you have any experience of young boys and men before all this started? I would go into the room with a black bag, as a one off, and get it clean, its your home and if he doesn't like it he know what to do. Is he aware he smells? some young men aren't, ask him, or tell him to shower as light heartedly as possible! Next you must have a chat with your husband not a confrontation tell him you just want to know the decision and be part of the answer. Having said that I would think a little time away from the problem would be good, do you have a friend who needs you to visit.

The title of the OP is interesting and I asked earlier how Rowan55 might deal with this if this was her own son.

hapgran has a point, too.
The situation and the reasons for it could be clearer if we had more facts.
Many of us may have had an adult 'child' come back to live at home whilst they are trying to get on to the first rung of the ladder - perhaps with debt from university, not getting a very well-paid job in the first instance or after the break-up of a relationship
Two of ours 'boomeranged' back - and I can't say either kept their rooms tidy. However, they were generally pleasant and kept themselves clean and rooms have doors which can be shut. Amazing that both have nice tidy homes now - they just needed a bit of time to sort themselves out, find good jobs and they were off again - they didn't want to stay with us and, much as we love them, we were happy to see them off.

Your DH needs to involve you, Rowan55 and must talk to you about what is happening; perhaps your step-son just needs a bit of help and motivation to see him on his way. Do you never talk to him either, or do you just complain about him? You all need to talk.

Am I right in thinking Rowan hasn't been back since the OP?

perhaps she decided to clear up the step-son's room and got trapped by a heap of rubbish blocking the door

Perhaps they have gone shopping for Febreze, as I advised earlier.

Not heard from Rowan 55 since the first day when she replied several times. Wonder why!

Maybe she has other things to do?
She has said she runs a business, plus those grandchildren.

Oh bum. Got my people mixed up.

I wouldn’t move out nor would I insist he does. On other threads, grans are saddened when their partners won’t accept their children or DGC, adult or not.
I used to say to my son when his room became too bad and he wouldn’t clean it; ‘I am going into your room this coming Friday night with black bags and cleaning stuffs. Things may get thrown out, it’s up to you’. And I meant it.
It ALWAYS worked, the Wednesday and Thursday evenings would be full of activity in his room, even vacuuming.

His privacy was important to him, he cleaned it rather than me go in to clean.

Try that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

SparklyGrandma , that's what I used to do too. Provided the bin bags and gave a deadline and after that I would do the job myself, I never had to actually do the big clear out as they always did it themselves and peace would reign for a couple of months and we would go through the whole performance again.

Sounds like mine too Sparkly and Niobe - perhaps it's a phase they have to go through.
DH used to get more annoyed and upset than me.

Once we were married my husband and I did not have his or my children, we had 'our' children, which meant that when they lived with us we had an equal say in their upbringing and welfare. This young man is 26 and has lived in THEIR home - not her just her husband's or hers, but presumably a home that was jointly theirs - for 2 years now and therefore Rowan 55 has the perfect right to have her say over what happens in the home. If this young man is smelly, untidy and has bad table manners then she has the right to tell him. She should also be privy to his 'plans' if they involve how long he will be staying in their house. I do wonder how good their relationship was before he came along and I would not be happy if my husband left me out and took his son's side over everything. Thankfully we have always discussed these things together and part of our role as parents has always been to ensure that we and the children respect each other. I would not be allowing a 26 year old man to be getting away with this behaviour, whether he was my son or stepson - it just wouldn't happen and I know my hubby would support me.

There's no way on earth that I would have ever cleaned up after my AC but then, they were all (bar 1) away working at 16. The last one left at 18. They've never had reason to return other than to visit for a couple of days and I can, without fear of contradiction, say that their homes are impeccable and they cook clean and divvy up housework between themselves and their husbands/ wives but our sons have always preferred to do their own laundry to their own high standard.
Yes, they have children, yes some have a couple of dogs and yes, in 4/5 cases both parties work full time.
After the first paycheck was received by the oldest, I got a letter with a postal order for half of it to 'help with my bills'.
I never cashed it.
It's too precious.
IMO, teaching them social and self responsibility as they grow up, pays dividends to both parents and child.