Gransnet forums


Issues with weight.

(61 Posts)
Rubytuesday12 Wed 16-Jan-19 12:13:32

Hi. I'm a newbie on this site so not sure of protocol.
I am 64, 5'5, 140lbs, healthy other than occasional AF and taking beta blockers, statins, blood thinners.
My partner of eight years has always had issues with larger ladies (he's quite thin) and when I first met him on line my weight was at the top end of his preferred body size (143lbs) and I was on one occasion told I could do with losing a few pounds. He has just informed me that if I gain weight (regardless of the reason) he will neither love or fancy me and will have to look for another relationship. Also if I ever become so ill that I can't 'pleasure' him, although he would probably stay around to look after me, he would find someone else to fulfil his physical needs. He thinks this would be reasonable and if the boot was on the other foot he would give his blessing. Well I'm a bit miffed (to say the least!) to be honest. He's never been one for complimenting me, and he's probably told me (in anger) that he doesn't love me as often as he's told me that he does (and rarely spontaneously) and he does find it difficult to express emotions other than anger. Should I be angry about this or not. Am I being unreasonable? What do others think and if any guys read this I'd love to hear your opinions.

annsixty Wed 16-Jan-19 12:17:18

Why are you still with him?
Where is your own self esteem?
You surely deserve better.

janeainsworth Wed 16-Jan-19 12:18:21

Yes YABU to accept that sort of sh*t from anyone.
You should leave him as soon as possible.
That’s not something I usually say to people.

Ilovecheese Wed 16-Jan-19 12:23:12

You are not being unreasonable to be upset.
You will be being unreasonable if you stay with him.

sodapop Wed 16-Jan-19 12:34:42

Nothing more to add to previous posts Rubytuesday except to say - get the hell out of Dodge.

crazyH Wed 16-Jan-19 12:48:26

What are you waiting for .....dump the skinny so-and-so. He is such a shallow nitwit. Isn't there something called love ?

MawBroon Wed 16-Jan-19 12:55:29

Why are you asking?
Do you think his behaviour is reasonable or indeed common? There is not a single syllable in what he says which constitutes “reasonable behaviour”
Should you be angry?
I would not hang around long enough to even give him an answer.
As they say on Mumset - LTB
Lose the bastard.

Silverlady79 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:12:55

Wow. Who raised these men? 🤬Stand in front of the mirror. Smile. Say out loud..I deserve more. Then go get it. Tell him to bog off RIGHT NOW. Honestly there can’t be anything worse about being alone, except being with him.

mumofmadboys Wed 16-Jan-19 13:15:13

140Ibs is 10 stone. So at 5 '5" you must be pretty slim aren't you?

JenniferEccles Wed 16-Jan-19 13:15:23


Jaye53 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:22:32

Oh dear I do think you need to get out ASAPcupcake I can't bear skinny men yuk . your not fat !

Rubytuesday12 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:27:33

I appreciate your comments and I know what I should do but it is hard to admit to another failed relationship! There's been a few for both of us! I think he's pretty messed up in some respects and when he cools down (tho the conversation was not an angry one) we do get on well and apparently ours is the best relationship he's had. But is it realistic to expect to be loved 'warts and all', is it unfair to expect someone to continue to love us if our appearance changes quite drastically from what they were first attracted to? And is it reasonable to expect someone to deprive themselves of sex and physical love possibly for many years if their partner through illness can no longer provide it?

MissAdventure Wed 16-Jan-19 13:29:48

He sounds a real catch.
Skinny, childish, and doesn't love you anyway, as he's told you himself.

Gonegirl Wed 16-Jan-19 13:40:04

Do you know anything at all about real love Rubytuesday?

Take a leaf out of Will Shakespeare's book. "Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds"


KatyK Wed 16-Jan-19 13:44:01

When I met my DH in 1967, I was about 8 and a half stone, size 8 (I am 5ft 6). DH said to me 'don't ever get fat will you?' I was 18 and it never occurred to me that I would ever gain weight. Well, 52 years later, I am about 10 and a half stone, size 14-16 and we're still here married. When I remind him of what he said back then, he says 'I was young, daft and shallow'. He now says he prefers 'real women' although of course he could be just being kind grin

MissAdventure Wed 16-Jan-19 13:45:07

It just smacks of control to me; a subtle form of bullying, in that you need to be thinking about your weight all the time, not to mention the worry about getting sick at any point.

GillT57 Wed 16-Jan-19 13:53:40

First of all, I am 5'5" and would love to be 140lbs! Secondly, just leave him.

Elegran Wed 16-Jan-19 13:54:09

>Gonegirl* I was about to post the whole of that sonnet. The asterisks are mine

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
*Love ’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.*
If this be error, and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.

MawBroon Wed 16-Jan-19 13:55:59

So well said * Gonegirl*.
I find it hard to believe Mr rubyTuesday is still the drop dead gorgeous hunk ( he imagines) he was in his youth.
As a parting shot you might remind him of that.

Elegran Wed 16-Jan-19 14:01:31

And here is a song originally published in 1808 in A Selection of Irish Melodies, It is thought that after the poet's's wife, Elizabeth, was badly scarred by smallpox, she refused to leave her room, believing herself ugly and unlovable. To convince her his love was unwavering, he composed this poem which he set to an old Irish melody and sang outside her bedroom door. He later wrote that this restored her confidence and re-kindled their love.

BELIEVE me, if all those endearing young charms,
Which I gaze on so fondly to-day,
Were to change by to-morrow, and flee from my arms
Like fairy-gifts, fading away!
Thou wouldst still be ador'd as this moment thou art,
Let thy loveliness fade as it will;
And, around the dear ruin, each wish of my heart
Would entwine itself verdantly still!

*It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
And thy cheeks unprofan'd by a tear,
That the fervour and faith of a love can be known,
To which time will but make thee more dear!
No! the heart that has truly lov'd, never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close;*
As the sun-flower turns on her god, when he sets,
The same look which she turn'd when he rose!

Show him this thread, and these verses, and suggest that perhaps he loves HIMSELF best of all.

NanaandGrampy Wed 16-Jan-19 14:02:29

If that’s the best relationship he’s had Rubytuesday I dread to think how the others were !

I do two things , firstly I’d start commenting on his ‘failings’ , thinning hair , forgetfulness , whatever. The more personal the better. After all, what’s good for the goose and all that.

Secondly, next time he makes those comments about not loving you at a higher wait, politely tell him not to let the door hit him on the arse on his way out !!

You deserve better - I seriously doubt he’s it!

NanaandGrampy Wed 16-Jan-19 14:03:27

Weight.... not wait !

Damn predictive text!

MissAdventure Wed 16-Jan-19 14:04:25

I have always thought
"It just means there is more of you to love" is the correct response to the question "Tell me honestly, am I too fat?".

paddyann Wed 16-Jan-19 14:11:03

I had weight issues all my life ,my mother was weight obsessed and if I looked even slightly heavy ..even when I was a size 8 she was quick to tell me.The day before she died she told me not to wear trousers when visiting her in hospital as I was too fat for them..I was between a 10 and a 12 at the time.
It drags you down and your self esteem will disappear altogether .You dont NEED this man in your life so walk away before you do yourself real harm .It took me a long time to feel better about myself and to be honest I still see myself as fat when I look in the mirror even though I'm back to an 8/10 .Dont let this happen to you.

jeanie99 Wed 16-Jan-19 14:53:54

You must be heartbroken hearing these comments from a person you love.
You are not overweight and should feel good about yourself whatever this man says.
He sounds very controlling and this in it's self is not a relationship you should be in.
Only you know the situation you are in financially but if it were me I would be planning for a better future for myself and my well being.
Relationships do have there ups and downs but this doesn't sound like a relationship you should be in.