I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

You say your mistake (and it was a mistake) was the ‘straw the broke the camel’s back? Well that implies you have been adding little loaded straws over the years.

Add the fact that you don’t want to go to the wedding and are indeed ‘relieved’ speaks volumes.

All this says quite a bit about your relationship with your stepson and perhaps you ought to examine your own behaviour before casting around to shift blame?

Seems careless not to put your surnames on the invite, but I wouldn’t have cared about it that much. He didn’t put your DH’s on either after all.
It’s a shame there is so much bad feeling in your family.
You’ve had good times with your own family but not your DH’s. Does that sadden him I wonder and if your stepson has felt the lack of good times with his side of the family.
I wonder how your DH feels about going to the wedding on his own. Can he try to mend things between you and your stepson? However you don’t want to go to the wedding anyway, so perhaps your DH could talk to your stepson about how he feels about it on his own account.
I hope it gets sorted out so you are all satisfied with the outcome, and that it’s not too late to restore some harmony.

This "uninviting" thing must be a new phenomena! In the past, if you didn't want someone at an event, you just didn't invite them- or if you had to invite them, there are always ways to spend as little time as possible with them or at least avoid them! This happened a few years ago to my godson, when his wife was uninvited to his sisters wedding after a huge row at the hen party and now my godson has nothing to do with either his sister and BiL or even his parents, which is very sad. I don't think that things will change between you and your step son. I'd just let your husband go to the wedding and arrange a day out with friends as far away as possible!
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Dear Pheonixbth. So sorry to hear about your problem. Weddings and gatherings can cause such distress.
This may amuse you and make you feel a bit better.
Several years ago we were disinvited to a wedding of a friends daughter because the parents considered that the present that we had sent and chosen carefully was not large enough for the number of years that they had known us. Well as you can imagine we were flabbergasted and angry.
I did get my own back by writing to the editor of Letters to The Times and had it printed. We of course decided to call a day to that friendship. Hope that you are feeling a bit better.

Definitely look on the bright side. We cannot love every one and every one cannot love us. Smile and wish the happy couple health, wealth and happiness in their future life together. Then spend the money you would have had to fork out on a daft hat and frock you wouldn't wear again, on something which will give you smiles for miles.

You are where you are....no point worrying about what might have caused the disinvite. If I were you I would settle down to write a really important letter. Send your husband off to his sons wedding with your love, have a lovely day of your choice, then write to your stepson....think of anything that could have made him feel as he does. When you got together you have no idea what his mum told him about the marriage or you. Speak from the heart about how you feel for that little boy who couldn’t feel at home with this new family. Tell him how you feel, how, if you love him, you maybe didn’t convey it well enough. You are the ‘adult’ here...at least for a part of this story, he was the child. Wish him well in the future with his lovely new wife...be generous in your good wishes and state that if he ever feels able to speak to you about this in the future, you would love to build bridges. He sounds to me like a boy who had his heart broken. Send this, together with a special card for their new marriage, and post so they get it on their return from honeymoon. For my point of view...I have 3 adult kids in their late thirties with their own children. I adore my husband of 40 plus years.....but my children, they will always come first. As someone once said, your children are your blood, they are part of you, your partner was a stranger you married.

I can't understand why you needed to point out what you considered a mistake probably was the last straw

When my SD married over 20 years ago a good friend said 'Don't go, stay at home and enjoy your day' I so wished I had! I was seated at the back of the church. Everyone had arranged lifts to the reception after the church service, but I wasn't included, my husband had to quickly find me a lift,
My husband was seated at top table but I was seated at the very back of the hall with people I didn't know, until my husband changed the seating. I even had to line up to shake hands with my own husband when the wedding party were greeting their guests. Fortunately in the evening my husband had had enough and the tables were rearranged. It was, and of course I now see was meant to be, acutely embarrassing for me.(altho this even though my SD's mother had remarried and with two other daughters from the second marriage and was now in her third marriage) )
All I can say is If you've been uninvited then stay that way and go out for the day, just shrug your shoulders, don't say any harsh words and never mention it again.
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Won’t it be awkward all round when people ask your DH and SS why you’re not at the wedding? I think your DH should stand up for you and not meekly say he’ll go to the wedding without you. My DH certainly wouldn’t go to his DS’s wedding without me as he thinks of my feelings.

Absolutely agree with Solonge. This is all about a hurt child who has carried the hurt into adulthood. It’s probably not even about you but the perceived rejection from his father who told him you came first . You however can offer an olive branch and show that you understand and care for your step son . Maybe this can be a positive pivotal moment . Don’t worry about the wedding . Do your own thing but try to put it right afterwards .

Park it.

Personally I have been in the same situation, I made a decision that I wouldn't accept that anger or dislike towards me or my children and oneday grandchikdren. Keep away from them as on their terms it will never be a happy environment for you. Your husband can visit them on his own, tough for him but your health and peace of mind is more important.

My step daughter didn’t tell her father or myself that she was getting married, let alone invite us. Then she threw a huge strop because she wasn’t invited to my daughter’s wedding, having hardly spoken to her in the previous 12 years since they met. My step daughter and her husband no longer speak or have anything to do with me or my side of the family, and it is fantastic! It is sad for my husband as I don’t go with him when he sees the grandchildren. But after thirteen years of walking on eggshells and wondering what is going to upset her next, it is a huge relief. My husband supports me and can see that it is his daughter who is in the wrong. It is certainly true that you can choose your friends but not your relatives. However you can choose not to be friends with those relatives that are not worth your effort and cause nothing but trouble.

I was invited to my Stepdaughters wedding, ten years ago. My hubbys ex dragged my husband to the front pew in church and sent her hubby to stand with me. Her husband suggested we should leave there and then, at the reception we were totally ignored and were made to sit on a shame table where we could neither see the top table or be seen. My son and daughter (the brides half sister) were also sat on this table. I might respectfully suggest you have a get out of jail card, embrace it and spend the day doing something lovely for yourself.

I don't think it would have occurred to me to make a fuss about what was on an envelope, unless it literally said something like Mrs Fat Slag. It's possible they were not sure whether or not you'd taken his surname and left it out rather than get it wrong. I have done this on occasion for that very reason and never once has someone been funny with me over the omission. On the other hand banning you from the wedding over it was also overreaction... unless.... things got really heated?

Assuming that they gave the invite to you, in which case it would be very usual to leave out surnames. But in any case there was really no need to say anything. I imagine the feel that you are just waiting to find fault. At the end of the day he will always be your husbands son so it would be as well to make the best of it. I always think there is something in the 'least said, soonest mended' school of thought. As it stands your're not going and everyone (including you) seems fine with that. I would however think you should apologise to your stepson.

I am slightly upset that you blame autism for poisonous behaviour. I am on the spectrum and I am never rude or unreasonable. You can be nice or rude or poisonous but autistic people are as different in personality as the general population. She is rude and poisonous because that’s her personality alongside the autism, not because of it.

You sound to me as if a big weight has been dropped from your shoulders.
If you have not been invited to the wedding because of mentioning the envelope then that is pathetic.
Give no more thought about it.
I don't enjoy weddings -too much hanging about and listening to boring speeches so if it were me I would be not too bothered.
Your husband quite rightly puts you first as he should.
On the day of the wedding I would take yourself out and do what YOU want to do.
I hope you will let us know how you get on.
Best wishes to you.

And in any case, if the autism is behind any unusual behaviour, then it's not rude or poisonous, it's an unintentional side effect of the condition.

Grannytotwins, do you have step children? I think it is very important a father attends his sons wedding and what would the other guests think if he wasn’t there because of a 2nd wife’s feelings. It is his sons wedding day and it seems the op and her husband are willing to rise above the SS’s behaviour and show they care for this son. If he doesn’t go it would be the end of any relationship with his son. It won’t be the end of his relationship with his wife.

The op seems to have a happy and supportive family so I think she can manage to let her husband keep in touch with his son and except her company is not required.

If i was you i think i would concentrate and celebrate all of the good relationships you do have in your life. You have managed to stay on good terms with your exh. That is a huge achievement and i envy you that. Tell your dh you don't mind at all so he will go and be there for his son. I would be planning a spa day out and get ticket so it will be too late if stepson changes his mind. You can now avoid a day of stepping on egg shells and feeding uncomfortable and swap for a relaxing spa day. Your dh can take you out for a nice meal a few days later and he will be proud of how well you dealt with situation.

Have your own AC and their families been invited to the wedding? (It doesn't sound as though this particular stepson is particularly welcoming. If not, maybe you could hold a "bit of a do" yourself - maybe just a nice bbq or dinner for the Uninvited?

I'm afraid I would never have mentioned how an invitation was addressed. There isn't so much formality these days and I find it difficult sometimes to know how to address envelopes at Christmas to people who aren't married. I have never said anything which would imply criticism of the way my DiL does anything.

In the days when people followed wedding etiquette second spouses were expected to take a back seat; the parents of the bride and groom were involved in the marriage ceremony, therefore seated in the front seats during the service, and also at the top table during the wedding breakfast. Etiquette developed for a reason, to smooth over difficult situations; now it is largely ignored and all sorts of offence is given and taken by people because they don't understand the conventions, and the reasons for them.
Goes back to the reason for manners: never knowingly cause distress to anyone.

Typical of people who deflect and transfer their issues onto someone else so they can feel hurt.. seen it so many times.. somethings cannot be fixed or are not worth fixing.. people are irrational if they can’t process their emotions .. stay strong..much better to not go ..infact probably a relief you don’t need to feel guilty about feeling.. they don’t like you and you are perfectly entitled to not like them !