passive agressive or is it me??

I agree with MOnica I think you both need to have a long hard look at your relationship and what its giving to both of you. The humorous tone does not disguise the fact that day to day living is difficult. Sometimes it's necessary to lay things on the line, both of you need to be honest about what is happening here and if it can be put right.

Very sensible advice sodapop. Maybe both of them are unhappy for different reasons and need to talk.

It's not just the wisteria, though, is it, or even the DIY, odd though that may be.
DH and I disagree about many things - pruning, opening/shutting bedroom windows, noise levels and the fact that he never listens!

But deliberately buying scented cleaning fluids and spraying them around when she upsets you when you know your wife has severe allergies is not difference of opinions, it is abusive.

I'm fairly sure, from your post, that you wouldn't do that!

Namsnanny Hope you
don't mind me enquiring as to how long you have been experiencing/observing
this pattern of behaviour?

If it is within the last year or months could he be suffering from the onset of Dementia?

My MiL who has vascular dementia and up until going into a care home would 'come alive' at night.
Cables including telephone cables would be ripped out and hidden all over her flat.
She would bang doors make several trips in the wee small hours down the corridor to the shute posting all sorts down there.
Then bang the lid a few times.
Back into her flat and bang the her front door.
Hoovering flat at odd times during the night.

If not dementia then sadly I'm afraid I agree Passive Aggressive behaviour.
If it was me I would move into the spare room along with a TV pad and phone.
Including any sentimental items that I didnt want broken or damaged.
Lastly a lock on the door.
and wine

It's ridiculous, why would you be with him?

If he is not I’ll in any way then it is not passive aggressive. Just plain nasty and certainly aggressive.

Perhaps OP will come back and tell us the way she actually meant the post to come across.

I'm getting a bit worried now ....Vascular dementia? I am definitely a night person. I have been known to cook at midnight especially for a dinner party. I tidy my cupboards in the night. I check and reply to emails at night. Amazon orders at night. And I have been known to hoover at night. I get up only at about 9a.m. and am no good to anyone till about 12noon.

Nothing to do with ill think he is just a bully. Time for him to go and reclaim your life.

I'm surprised your neighbours don't complain banging and using drills at that time of night as for knowing your allergies and making them worse using cleaning products he needs to grow up

I hope you live in a detached house - I live in a semi, and if my neighbour did all that drilling and banging about at night I'd be round there straight away!

Why does your husband behave as you describe? Has he always been an inconsiderate and insensitive git?

CrazyH yes a nunber of people are night owls including myself on occasion

However my mother in law was not and her night activities started with the onset of dementia.
Her activities upset and annoyed her neighbours.
And unfortunately she no longer had the understanding or the ability to take onboard that her behaviour was causing great upset to others.

Which was why I suggested the possibility of Dementia

He sounds like he has taken a leaf out of the book of a two year old who bangs on an upturned saucepan to see how long mum can stand it before it is taken away. They never quite grow out of it.

You could discuss it with him. Tell him 'kindly' that his actions appear to be rather childish and perhaps he is seeking attention and what is it he wants that will make him feel better - then put your hat and coat on and go and enjoy yourself without him so that he does not have an audience.

Why don't you ask him why he's trying to drive you out of your own home, because, to me, it sounds as though that is exactly what he's doing. He obviously hasn't got the guts to confront you directly so he's provoking you. This is unreasonable behaviour and grounds for divorce.

Are namsnanny and Davidhs husband and wife. Sounds like it to me.

Wellingtonpie, no I just happen to have a disabled wife who cannot now garden, or cook or walk or even dress herself, so it is down to me to be 24/7 carer. I’m happy to do that, we’ve been married for 50 yrs, luckily I’m reasonably fit and can do it, it could have been the other way round her caring for me.

She is certainly frustrated that she cannot now do what she used to and has accepted that I do things differently. For my part, it’s not what we planned for retirement but you do what has to be done, it’s not happened suddenly but over the last 2 yrs it has got progressively worse so for me it’s been a gradual change. Our daughter lives close by and gives me a break every week, medics and social services have been good so we cope well enough

Namsnanny ended her post with “Hey ho exciting life eh”
So her husbands failings did not bother her that much and I think those posts that suggested she leave him were mean and nasty, way over the top.
But then there are people like that!

No, no, no - making someone unhappy enough to write a sizeable complaint on this site is a huge unkindness and totally disrespectful to someone you’re meant to cherish...or why are you married if not to please one another in your later years? After all the early struggles with children, mortgages and job losses etc surely we can be KIND to one another when we are most in need of it i.e. in poor health?

I stand by my mean and nasty comments if she did leave him he could enjoy life without commitments and she would be much worse off.
I’m sorry for those of you have had such miserable lives that you think the worst of everything, or are you just man haters, you have my sympathy.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Particularly Davidhs,

I hope to digest the replies and comment later.

I don't think this is passive aggressive, I think it's aggressive. What is the difference between him doing something like spraying chemicals deliberately, knowing that it will give you a thumping headache, and thumping you , giving you a thumping headache?
There are many ways to assault/abuse someone. Just because there isn't any bruises, doesn't mean its not harming you.

Davidh. No, it's not because he didn't prune the wisteria properly. What set alarm bells off for me, it the deliberate spraying of chemicals knowing that this would result in a severe headache for her. What's the difference between doing that and thumping her? Both result in her suffering because of his actions.
It sounds as though you are a lovely, caring partner. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of deliberately inflicting pain and distress on your wife.
Breaking her favourite stuff on purpose is also pretty nasty don't you think?

Nobody deliberately sprays chemicals just annoy someone they live with, he’s obviously doing the shopping and bought the wrong cleaner, just another mean and nasty inference. Maybe I’m lucky in that my wife is physically poor but mentally 100% and she can tell me what to get and what she wants.

I have to ask Namsnanny just how is your husbands mental health because taking your post literally some of the situations you mention suggest that it’s not that great and he may need help as much as yourself. If it is the onset of dementure as others have suggested, then some kind of sheltered or care accommodation is going to be needed soon

Is Nansnanny still there?

She did reply a few post back that she would digest the replies and then come back.
If she meant the OP to be lighthearted or in jest , why not just say so.

ginny....because I want to digest the replies and come back having given them thought!! As is my prerogative.