My tragic, homeless adult daughter is stamping around my little rural village shouting and swearing and despairing. She so desperately wants to be loved and cared for, and has been so badly hurt in the past. My problem is that I'm sick of her dramas and hysterics, self justifications and denials. She is ill. She is alcohol dependent. She uses cocaine to excess when she can get hold of it. She is mentally so unwell that one psychologist has told me that he did not think she could endure to understand her true situation. She would not engage with the program and still lacks a diagnosis of her mental health condition. Her refuge in life has been a succession of violently abusive and demeaning men she has chosen to cling on to for love and support.
She has also been dependent on me and any other kindly benefactor she could get hold of for at least a decade. Her 'job' is flirting topless online for money. A job she cannot now do as her last iphone, of many, many iphones, ipads, phones and similar, has been sold for the money. She spends any wages or benefits she gets on extravagant and high-end items. That she will lose or discard within days generally, or weeks at most. She is homeless because she has a dreadful reputation as a tenant, cannot use money responsibly to pay deposits and has just been evicted from a refuge for her behaviour and refusal to engage with them or work towards becoming independent. That she spent much of the time she was supposed to be at the refuge actually staying with a man friend did not help her case.
Her children are now with court appointed guardians. She is full of resentment for the 'lies' that were told about her in court. There were no lies. She was a bad mother. The involvement of Social Services was a fact in the lives of all that family for many years and the final decision of removal was totally justified.
She leads a chaotic life, by choice, and had no wish to 'parent' as she wanted to be her children's best friend. Which she did sometimes, and other times would just leave them on their own for days. Often with no food, no clean clothes and with the instruction to not let people know. She refuses to remember any of this, which is understandable enough. But I have a hard time when she screams at the pain of losing them, because she was given so many, many chances to step up to the mark and be a decent and responsible mum. So I have no sympathy with her fantasy of how she was a brilliant mother and there were no grounds for her beloved children to be taken away. Only resentment because I was drained and used and did all I could to help and to make up for her lifestyle, but lost them too. The court awarded me more visits per year than my daughter, their mother, as I was seen as a good influence.
Of course the contacts are never relaxed and fun, it's never not supervised and it's never just us being ourselves. I feel a bitter loss. And anger, because it was all so unnecessary.
I have a constant headache when she is here, but as the alternative is her sleeping rough I feel I have no choice. She DID sleep rough one night last week. Just the one night, as a man took pity on her and had her stay in his room where he'd have lost his place if anyone had found out. No sex, or any intention of it, just being kind.
And that was enough to break her willingness to have her mental health assessed as she had finally been persuaded to do. The mental health diagnosis that would have had her placed in the 'vulnerable adult' category and therefore more likely to get help, protection, support.
All this is true. And I am so almighty sick of it that if she were to die today I'd be mourning not only the lost and lonely woman she is, but the happy and intelligent child I used to know who seemed to be gone for good some years ago.
There is nothing I can say or do that does not seem to upset her. Earlier she complained so very shrilly and loud that my ear genuinely aches with it still. I did not know this was even possible. I have also learned why the phrase 'a pain in the neck' came about. It's at the base of the skull. Where the tension knots you up and bewilders you with pain and confusion.
She's only been living here just over a day. The trip down was one I'd only wish on my best enemy with the screaming and posturing and carrying on all the three hundred mile odd drive to get here. I don't know how long I can stand this, or where there is left to turn. I can't stand her dramas and the way she is destroying what little peace I had left.
Sending you love ??? and flowers. I agree, a support group of some sort such as Al-anon is a great idea. My mother found so much support there and didn't feel like she was on her own anymore when she contacted them many years ago. With so many pressures on mental health services especially it is not so simple to get someone sectioned, but calling the police when she might be considered threatening is probably the easiest way to get the process going. Big hug.
We had this problem to a lesser extent with my sister.
I know how you must feel, but honestly, you have done all you can and can do no more.
From my own experience, I know that family is not heard, if anyone is going to be able to get through to your daughter, it will be a nurse, doctor or social worker who is in no way related to her, but doing the job they have been trained for.
I hope and pray someone does get through to her and that you can find the strength to talk yet again to doctors and social workers on her and your behalf.
Concentrate on your grandchildren who you can help and love.
The daughter you love is destroying herself with drink and drugs and nothing you do or say will change that, as until she wants to change no good will be done by you or anyone else trying to help her.
When that day comes, you, I am sure, will help her, but only if you are able now to hand the problem over to those trained to cope with it.
No one doubts the love you have for your daughter. However, its a basic truism that the only person we can change is ourselves. No matter how much love you have your daughter is the only one who can effect a change on herself.
This is a ghastly situation but as with any case of caring the first rule we are taught is to make sure we as carers are safe and well and I doubt that's the case here. Seek support for your needs and take advise that will preserve your health and sanity. Loving a child or a parent is what we are all programmed to do but sometimes we do have to but up a wall either permanently or temporarily on the practical things to preserve ourselves. You will always love your child but at the moment that might not be the best thing for her.
I wish you every strength and hope that you can find your little bit of peace.
What a heartbreaking post. Sometimes it’s harder to walk away than it is to help. But for your own sanity, that seems to be your only option.
That’s not easy as you love your daughter.
I just wish you peace and hope that you find a way. Xx
NanaRayna - you have done all you can - you will crumble if you allow this situation to persist so you call the police and you get your daughter sectioned and sent to a place where she will be contained and cared for by people who are trained professionals and see your daughters behaviour on daily basis - you are not such a professional and if you carry on you will be dead - please listen and don’t feel bad about taking the step - people who are drug and alcohol dependent are suffering from trauma and need proper trauma workers to help them
Such a heartbreaking post. I have no advice to offer other than what has already been offered on here. I hope you can feel the love and support that is on here for you. Keep in touch so that the love and support can continue. Xx
Sending love and peace to you xxx
NanaRayna - she is your daughter and you love her. Your insight into what is going on and your courage in trying to help your girl are amazing and I have so much respect and admiration for you. There are plenty of ideas and advice here already, so no need to add more. I hope fervently that life gets better for both of you in due course. Remember that "all things pass" and this will also. 
Gonegirl it sounds to me like the help was made available to her but she lacked sufficient insight to cooperate with it.
This is such a tragic story and my love and prayers go out to you. As others say, you probably can't help your daughter so focus your love on her children instead. Please keep talking to us. This group has helped me so much in the past.
In the UK, you can’t “get” someone sectioned. They have to be a risk of serious physical harm to themselves or others for that to happen. This has to be agreed by a Psychiatrist and a Social Worker. Even when this is the case, they will only be detained on the particular section under the Mental Health Act, for the shortest time necessary to mitigate that risk. I doubt if the OP daughter’s behaviour would meet the criteria. The OP has also said that her daughter will not cooperate with help for her mental health problems. This is not unusual where there is heavy drug and alcohol misuse. It is not possible to impose effective mental health treatment on someone who does not want it.
To the OP, I am so sorry to read of your situation. There are not easy answers. Remember though that your daughter, although clearly very troubled, is making choices that result in her being homeless etc. These are not your choices. Perhaps work on your own boundaries. Some that will give you a little peace of mind. Maybe consider going to a regular Al Anon meeting. This is an organisation that provides help and support for the loved ones of those abusing alcohol and drugs (they are easily found though google). There are meetings in virtually every area. The process should help you ‘detach with love’ and maintain your own boundaries.
I have experience of five family members who have experienced mainstream mental illnesses with varying degrees of personal impact. At the end of the day, with careful medication and treatment, it is possible to manage a number of mental health conditions and to lead a “good” life. Not all treatments are completely successful but some psychiatrists do go the extra mile to help as much as possible. Mind in the UK has very good information and a helpline. Don’t despair for there is help out there.
You need help for you. Addiction is a family illness that affects everyone. Contact these, go to there website find meetings for your area and get the help and support you need desperately.
Al- Anon is a fellowship which supports the families of someone whose drinking, lifestyle is affecting everyone around them. You dont need her permission to go. The person can still he drinking or not or sldead or any other combination.
I am a member of 2 12 step programs which are A.A and Al-Anon. The ex is alcoholic. Not in recovery hence my membership plus I have other family that are too. I am 16 years sober myself and still go to A.A as I dont want to drink again. Both programs are about recovery. Good luck
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
NanaRayna, this has gone beyond you scope of trying to help her to the point that it is causing problems with your health.
Please, please contact either your GP or social services. Your daughter needs professional help beyond what has been offered so far. She obviously can't or won't cope with voluntary treatment, so I seriously think that she needs to be sectioned in a secure unit for her own sake. The fact that she is wandering around your village crying and swearing and resorting to alcohol makes me think that she wants help from somewhere. Please don't think her behaviour is any reflection on yourself.
Stay with us, let us know how you go
I think she needs to be sectioned I am afraid. Not sure if that is possible to arrange? She clearly needs to go lower still to get the help she needs, but doesn't want. You have done absolutley everything you can. More than anyonce could expect of you or you should expect of yourself. If you haven't already, please look into how to get her sectioned. You need a break from this constant trauma.
This is terrible for all concerned. If she gets picked up by the police she may find herself being sectioned and this would be a relief as at least you would know she was safe and hopefully getting the treatment she needs. Whether or not she takes heed of this is another matter.
She can't possibly live with you as it's making you ill.
As Stella14 has pointed out you cannot 'get someone sectioned' - if only it were that easy. If someone is a danger to other people or suicidal they can be detained for a very short period of time. All that Stella14 says is true - she obviously has experience of this. The only thing a parent can do is distance themselves from the adult child but still be there for the grandchildren who are the innocent victims in all of this.
I really sympathise. It is an impossible situation with the support currently available.
Depending on where you live, it is very difficult to get a medical team to section anyone. The Police seem more willing but they can only do it if people cause trouble outside the home. If you have any dealings with the police make sure you talk about her mental health issues and not the alcoholic side.
Nowadays the whole emphasis is on respecting people's right to make their own decisions which means that they have to ask for help which is ridiculous as if they could or would do that, they would not be so ill.
My neighbour's mother threw her out when she was 17 as she could not cope with her although she clearly cares for her daughter. You can't cope with what you can't cope with. Nothing will change that and it is not as if you haven't tried and you shouldn't feel guilty. People think they can imagine what it is like but they really can't until they have someone swearing at them, being thuggish men into the building, and throwing things at their windows.
Thankfully, she is in hospital now after smashing out her windows so we have a bit of a rest from it but she will be back. We are lucky in that the police are very involved with her even if the medical side is not so good and they persuaded her to go into hospital. What annoys me is that we know that she is escalating but there is nothing we can do until a crisis is reached.
Although asylums were overused and misused, the functioning alternative has not been found.
There seems to be virtually no supported living available for people with mental illness. It is all for people with learning difficulties.
I doubt whether it really is your daughter's choice although I understand why you feel that. It is not unusual for people with mental illness to take drugs or drink and it can be a bit of a chicken and egg situation.
After being sectioned my neighbour was sent to a place for people with mental illness and anti social behaviour but she checked herself out and came back worse than when she went away, save that she did stop using her flat as a brothel (a phase we went through) and brought fewer undesirables home.
If you google 'mental health support groups for families', there are quite a few which might have more practical support than you can find here. At the very least you should be able to find people going through similar things.
I wish you well but I suspect you may have to step away and enforce any boundaries, calling the police if necessary. If you do try to preserve, it may be worth talking to the community police team. They vary, but they do see it from the point of view of people having to deal with someone with those kinds of problems rather than just that person.
Don't spend too long looking for a solution that just may not be available at the risk of your own health. The relationship with your grandchildren is important and hopefully as they get older the conditions might be relaxed. That will be easier if you have not had too much contact with their mother.
Oh NanaRayna it's so so hard to accept what you know in your heart, and that's that you can't do anything. You have to find a way to turn this over to a professional before it breaks you.
My heart hurts for you... Please please be brutal, it calls for tough love now. If you can try to keep us updated xx
I have a son who is a heroin addict. Helped to get clean, get a job live with me. Numerous times, and even with his younger brother on one occasion who was married with a daughter. Four years ago after yet another lapse and people knocking on the door for money he owed, he disappeared of his own accord to live on the streets (again). He continued contact via text and messenger with every excuse to get money from me. Then one day I saw the light and told him I would never give him money again and couldn’t let him be part of my life any more. He will be forty on his next birthday. It was hard but the best thing for everyone, even him because he seems to get off drugs when he’s homeless. Probably just can’t get the money. It heartbreaking but I don’t regret my decision at all.
Your daughter has made a lifestyle choice, not your choice or mine but it is hers and I am afraid I think the only option is tough love. Don't have her living with you even if it means living on the streets and try (easier said than done) to distance yourself from her. Your own health is very important and you need to look after yourself not your adult daughter who has chosen to go down thief route. They will not section you for a lifestyle choice I am afraid. I hope now you have put pen to paper, so as to speak, it will help you and my thoughts are with you.
So sorry to hear about your daughter. There really is nothing I can say that would be of any help except my heart goes out to you and I hope she and you find peace somehow somewhere soon.
Heart broken for you, OP. Thinking of you all day since I read your story. Please do contact Famanon for support as one poster suggested. You can’t be as strong as you are for much longer without help from people who are going through similar situations
You and your daughter will be in my prayers x?
I am late to this thread NanaRaynabut much sympathy.
It sounds very much that you have stood by your daughter and done all in your power to help her, but you are obviously at the end of your tether.
We tend to love our children, no matter what, but I think you have very good grounds for leaving her to sink or swim. Her behaviour is making you ill. You must be living on your nerves.
If she is not prepared or ready to receive the help she so desperately needs, there is little you can do.
I understand you want to give her a bed for the night so she is safe, but she is abusing your love and hospitality.
I don't know the mental health s/drug users support systems well enough to advise you, but you have to distance yourself from her. You may be enabling her bad behaviour as you are the port in the storm, always there.
I hope others have been able to offer you advice regarding where to turn next, but I do think the time has come when you have to, with heavy heart, close the door on her, because you need to take care of yourself. Your well-being is threatened.
Sending you warm thoughts. We never know how our adult children will turn out, do we? 
This is one of the saddest post I’ve ever read.
I can’t help but I hope you can find the help you as a family need. To let go of your baby is one of the hardest things a parent to do.
I hope you can find the help she needs
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