Sorry to vent here - am in despair

I wish I could give you some words of comfort but my thoughts are with you

May I add mental illness and alcohol dependency is not a life style choice .

As a mother who had the choice between ‘tough love’ ! or never giving up on my child I chose the latter , i separated my beloved daughter from the illness , it damaged my health , the illness took her life .

Neither decision is right or wrong , how I ache for you x

I question those who have said she has made a lifestyle choice. Does anyone choose to be an alcoholic or drug addict? I thought it was something that crept up on people and is an illness.

I just Googled Serenity Prayer and discovered it is something used at AA meetings but I think it is probably something we could all learn from and would help in this situation.

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would like it.

Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to his will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world
And supremely happy in the next.

Oh NanaRayna I must add my heartfelt sorrow for you and what you're having to deal with. I've no real advice except to urge you to see your GP who may just be able to offer you some support. It's time to let go and allow yourself peace. I can only guess this is far easier said than done.

I really feel for you and I hope sharing your situation helps you feel a little less alone. I think you've tried long enough and it's time to focus on your own needs! If you'd like support to do that please let myself

I can only add my heartfelt sympathies to you and the rest of your family. I hope you can get the strength you need to see you through this. I'm new to GN but this is a heartbreaking post and I hope things get better for you and your grandchildren.

Oh NanaRayna i feel so sorry for you all but sometimes with the best will in the world we cant cope with situations on our own and need professional help. Having a chat with your own doctor might help and also families anonymous sound helpful too. You need help quickly as this situation is not going to do you any good and you need to think about yourself and your own health. Please dont think you are alone. There is a lot of help out there but you need be able to find it. This is were the health professionals come in. Please get some support. My heart goes out to you. I really hope you find the right path soon.

There is absolutely no need to apologise for venting. The focus is usually always on the people suffering mental health and addiction issues and not on those who are close to them and have to suffer the fall-out. There is only so much you can do, and take. Maybe you should now focus on your relationship with your grandchildren to have a more positive focus. I know it is not easy to give up on those you love, but you really do have to think of yourself sometimes. I wish you all the best x

Sorry Annie not to agree with you, she has chosen not to take the help offered, she choose to drink and take drugs. Ok it creeps up o you but she has refused countless offers of help. Why should her mothers health suffer as a result. Time for tough love.

Barmeyoldbat this thread is not for disagreeing.

Alcohol affects the brain, fact.

But I do. Anyway I will take out the first part of the sentence, reading Sorry Annie not to agree with but leave the rest in. OK

Barmeyoldbat Poor judgment is often a symptom of mental illness. My neighbour gives her keys away, her benefit card away, will spend a month's benefits on scratch cards and throw most of them away without even scratching them off.
You can call these things choices, but her illness is guiding her choices. No one chooses to have that kind of disordered mind. It is frightening and embarrassing and the fact that someone is mentally ill does not mean that they are not capable of being embarrassed by their actions.

Yes I have just read the long post again and seen the bit about being meanly unstable, so yes I wrong in this on her making poor choices. But as long as her mother supports her the agencies concerned will not help much. Her mother really needs to let go and that is hard for any mother to, but it is for the sake of her own health as well.

I just want to say - you're wonderful. Not many people would have been able to cope, but you have - even though you need to vent your feelings of despair. You are resilient. Hang on to your peace and don't let her destroy it. You are doing good.

Oh heavens NanaRayna I know exactly where you are coming from, but your story is far worse than mine, and I thought mine was bad enough .....

My eldest at 25 turned out surprisingly to be VERY clever, and despite having 1 GCSE in Drama, was given 5 unconditional offers to go to do a Masters Degree in Equine Science, a subject in which she is very passionate ... she did her first year and got a 1st overall, boy was I proud of her!

Then, it turns out that she hadn't actually sat the initial exams and she had to do them late because she had seriously panicked about it all and the pressure was too much - she then made some suicide attempts - tried to get her some help - seems it has been going on since Jan 2018 .... to cut a long story very short she has deferred Uni and come back home - now we could never live together before, we are too alike, but I was backed into a corner as there is nowhere else for her to go - she has actually been working which is good, although as she doesn't drive (although she has a car which has now been losing money daily in depreciation for 2 years) I have to get up at 5.30am to take her there .... and that is ALL she does, other than scream and shout at me at the top of her voice. She has been seen by 2 Psychiatrists who seem to think there is nothing wrong with her, not even mild depression, but she acts like a toddler, even threw my shopping at a cashier in Waitrose missing him by a whisker, then refused to get out of my car assaulting me in the process! She acts irrationally, is evil with her language and I want her gone! If i ever want her to do something she doesn't want to do, the answer I get is "well I will kill myself then, that is what you want, me dead". She has made 8 or 9 attempts now by generally stealing my medication or stashing it and taking it all at once, but as a 'scientist' and being clever, she hasn't made a 'good attempt' as it were which to me means a cry for help - but when offered it she won't take it! She has been here 6 months now and NOTHING has changed, she hasn't moved forward at all, gets no treatment etc ... As you say she is taking the little bit of peace I have left, I am not well anyway, and because I feel so bad I am not looking after myself - forget to take my insulin and my meds, am not interested in doing anything in the house as she is there, in bed doing nothing - I feel as though she is killing me slowly., in fact both my kids are. They seem to resent me being ill, will not help me at all, and the other has banned me from my granddaughter, which I knew she would at some point, even before the little one was born. I did my best with my girls but it seems that it wasn't good enough as I wasn't able to do as much because of my deteriorating health etc and had to leave them with their father as I was unable to cope with their behaviours sadly .... it is horrible as they both have physically as well as verbally and mentally abused me, I have nothing to look forward to in life and actually I would find it very easy to give in very soon ....

It is totally heartbreaking. You cannot live another person's life, nor should you try. Live your own life and live well. It's the worst pain but you cannot help or change your daughter. She seems to have no redeeming features as person. What does she do for you??? You HAVE to let go. Best wishes to you. Be strong.

so sorry for the situation that you are in . Such a difficult place as a mum. Sorry that I have no words of advise as don't feel experienced or qualified to give any. Sending hugs from one mum to another xx

I am so sorry to read this - it must be very difficult for you. Try to remember that she is not creating your angst - you are the one who is letting it all get to you - try to rise above it. You are who you are and she is who she is

NanaRayna, I really feel for you. You are in an awful situation.

Addiction is devastating, not only for the addict, but for their family. You seem at the end of your rope and that is understandable and to be expected.

You cannot force your daughter to seek treatment. Addiction is not recognised as a mental illness (although I think it should be). She needs to hit her rock bottom. It goes against every instinct in us, but you need to let that happen. Helping her out is only enabling her addiction.

I think you would really benefit from attending a local al-anon group and speaking to people who are/have been in your situation. You will get so much support and advice there.

There is nothing stronger than denial, and your daughter sounds deep in it. There is nothing you can do here I’m afraid. You need to look after yourself as the addict will take from you until you have nothing left to give.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to say no.

Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but, if SS, Crisis Team or Police can't help you, how about getting your locks changed and going away somewhere. Even if it was to a reasonably close nice B+B so if you wanted you could drive past or get a taxi to just make sure your house is o.k. You might consider putting anything valuable or special in the care of someone you can trust. I don't know if it would also be advisable to warn SS and Police that no one has permission to stay in your house so if there is a scene while you are 'away ', she cannot gain access to your house.
It sounds brutal and is inconvenient but you deserve some respite from this situation. An envelope pinned to the door could hold a letter for your daughter explaining that whilst you will always love her you can no longer cope with having her living with you.

Oh u poor poor soul my heart aches for u what can I say u have tried and tried and I guess u will go on trying but what more can u really do some people r beyond help and it sounds like yr daughter is one of them that has this self destruct button within her. I hope so much that u can find some peace

I’ve spent many years working in the field of addiction and believe that no one can make her alter her behaviour until she’s ready to do it herself.
Nana Rayna, you need to look after yourself and accept that you’ve done all you can to support her but you can’t do any more.
There are a couple of charities which support the families of addicts and run support groups and chats on the phone which may help you.
I don’t like the term tough love but I do believe in consistent love so that you tell her what you’re prepared to do and stick to it.
It’s really hard dealing with an addict in the family’s l send you my best wishes and lots of hugs

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The love and support you have sent was not expected, and has given me so much strength and renewed heart. I cannot tell you how much this has meant to me. Bless you all!!
What I didn't say in my long post is that my daughter WAS sectioned last year. The police had to section her. The relief I felt, and the guilt for feeling it!, was overwhelming. There was no good outcome though. Because she was high on drugs at the time of being sectioned, and then behaved herself while being assessed in the Mental Health Unit they could not diagnose her mental illness or insist that she stay beyond the first week. This has now become part of her myth, that she has no mental health issues because she was released.
This was at a time when I had already stepped back, and made boundaries that I had been determinedly keeping. I thought I was going the tough love path. Then the police rang me to ask for background and to be the 'next of kin' for the sectioning. That dragged me right back into it. And I've not regained my safe space since.
Thank you, so much for the signposting to Families Anonymous, Al-Anon and MIND UK. I shall be contacting them over the next few days, when my girl is not going to overhear, or read over my shoulder. Living out in the wilds, there may only be one of those agencies near enough to attend, but even one would be 100% improvement on my helpless stumbling here. None of those bodies would even have occurred to me as options, so am extra grateful. I'll update with any progress made either through them or via my own GP.
Whatever happens afterwards, your wonderful words of kindness and understanding have been such a comfort and a boost. Bless you and thank you.

Please know that you are loved. I had a wonderful son until he married and moved far away. He developed mental illness, and I found out he was getting money from my mom. He would not get help for his illness, and with his wife stole money from my mom. DM finally told me what was going on, and I wrote to my son and dil with a blazing hot pen. I managed to get that stopped after they had planned to take her life savings from her. After my dad died four years ago from Alzheimers my son came to spend a week with my mom for a week after the funeral. After he had gone home my mom found several things missing and $3,000. cash she had hidden. If I would have had the evidence I would have put him in prison. Since then he informed me that no communication from me would be welcome. My grandchildren don't know about all this, but I did get a chance to explain his illness to them . I didn't want them to feel his behavior was their fault. The last time I saw him at gd dance recital he yelled at me in the parking lot "I don't need a mother. Just go home". my gd cried and gave me the longest hug I ever had. My son has since then made sure that me and the gc can't communicate. I have gotten psychiatric counseling which has helped greatly. I suggest you help yourself to maintain your sanity. We raise them to be good people, but we can't prevent how they turn out.
Remember that you are loved by a lot of us, and we will be praying for you.

You have done all you can, your peace of mind and life is important too,.
Move far far away and live in peace, ( don't give her a forwarding address )
Bless your heart x