Aggressive husband

Like others, I've been somewhere similar and it took me many years to free myself. Some reasons for taking so long were to do with practical things and children, but much of it was psychological. I almost lost myself and any sense that I could live a separate life on my own - this is what the overbearing and bullying/abusive behaviour can do to your understanding of yourself. So then it is hard to leave, when to anyone else, leaving is obviously the way to go. You have had much good advice here and I won't repeat it - but do want to say, do not be held back by fearful thoughts (for instance, what would my Mum think? or how would I manage?) Take a first step - go to a counsellor, or ask your doctor to help you find a counsellor, or go on your own to Relate - do something to get independent and appropriate support in considering what is happening in your life and what you can do. You do not have to live with what is happening and you are OK - whatever the bully is saying to you. I wish you well.

I think two carding is the answer !! Agnurse got it completely right!!

Hello Telegran I was so sorry to read your post and I actually felt anxiety for you. Please talk to your GP or a councillor, it sounds very much that your husband needs some help if you are to survive as a couple . Take care

Telegran, You are being verbally abused by your husband, don’t let this happen to you any more, I was married 38 years and had to get out of my marriage I was kept at home like you verbally abused and he threw me out of my wheelchair, I went to the local council and they put me in touch with women’s aid, they took me away from where I lived and I stayed with them for 7 months, they helped me get a flat in a sea side town. The day I left I didn’t have time to pack anything I left empty handed, it’s now 8 years later I’m living in a bungalow and I have met a lovely kind man.
Please don’t live the rest of your life like this it’s not good for your anxiety and health. Sending you much love n hugs ? if you need any help let me know you can google women’s refuge telephone number they will help you get yourself a new life.

I have been in this situation but not as bad as yours and also I have advised people through CA. Suggest you get in touch with Women's Aid and talk to them, they are the experts and can point you in the right direction. Have you got a mobile phone or does he control that as well that you could use to ring for help and advice. But what ever you do, you NEED TO GET OUT but first talk to Women Aid and ur GP. Hope this has helped.

Do not put up with this under any circumstances. Stop looking after him, look after yourself. Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a while, then go to Citizens Advice Bureau to find out what you can do and your rights with the house etc. Do not put up with bullying or abuse!!!

Why are you still with him? Get out now before its too late!
Read a book called ''Women Who love Too Much'' then get rid of him!

Counselling could really help if he recognises there is a problem. I really feel for you - it's awful when you feel uncomfortable with someone you have been in a relationship for s long while. Think about what you want and seek some professional help. Good luck x

Please tell us why you haven’t left him? ?

Here's an idea! Whilst its quiet, collect up some belongings and go. If he asks what are you doing, just say, having a sort out; which is a technical term for I'm leaving you. Use bin bags not a case. You may have to systematically do this over a few days but it'll work believe me. No hardship on your mental health just being in the right mindset which makes it easier. You really have nothing to lose apart from a tyrannical bully boy. Good luck x

It's abuse, emotional abuse. I would with respect suggest counselling for you alone to support you. Whatever is going on, it is not okay to behave like this. Unless there is a medical explanation for his aggression.

Text book narcissist I would say. Do google it. Researchers have identified three major types of narcissists, each with its own combination of traits.

I know a lot about it because my daughter was married to one. He did everything to her that you have described. She managed to get away with their two children. They divorced 5 years ago but he is still making her life (and mine) very difficult.

Please do consider where you want to be in this marriage. You can’t live like this forever. Personally I don’t think they get any better, well not in our experience they don’t. Just think if yourself now.

This is very clearly a mental health issue. From what you say, you were married approximately 6 years when his behaviour changed and it’s getting worse. Men are not very good at confronting mental health problems and he very clearly needs some help. Can you see your GP for some help and maybe get a proper diagnosis and treatment for him. It sounds as though it could well be bipolar disorder and if it goes untreated it will get much worse. A clear diagnosis and treatment may save your marriage and make life better for both of you.

Does anyone know by law you say I’m entitled to half of everything, does that go the same for his private pension ?

It depends on the agreement. If he remarries the wife will get the widow's pension.

Have not read every post- but was he always that way, or is it recent.

Anger and lashing out could be a sign of onset dementia or Alzheimers- as has happened to a few friends and relatives recently.

Telegran oh Telegran, welcome to what’s left of my world. You’ve just described my husband , you wouldn’t believe the similarities ...I made the mistake of letting him control all the money I’d ever earn in our long marriage....so now I havent the money pot put by , to leave him. He stopped work at fifty ...I worked til I was 64...when I told him I was retiring he went berserk...called me all the lazy cows under the the sun. Then he told me I would need to pay my state pension into his account and he’d let me have £25 per week ‘ pocket money’. I screwed up my courage and told him it wasn’t gonna happen...I was keeping my pension, I was gonna save for renovating the house which he would never spend money on...and I’ve since replaced bathroom and kitchen. He then said he’d have my pension in his account now! I said you won’t. And I told him if he didn’t like the situation he could ‘ do the other thing’ ...which is something he’s told me throughout our marriage. You need courage...you have it, you just need to dig it out. Stand tall. Look him in the eye and say NO. Also as he is most definitely narcissistic, look on You Tube for a Dr. Les Carter....you will be amazed how much this man has helped me. Try it.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/police-and-the-cps/#1447870140369-4a528c84-8d2a

If you call the police and say he is abusing you and scaring you they can remove him. He might be bailed with condition of not coming near you or contacting you. Or you could use the time he is held to get the pets and your papers together and go to safety.

Is there a friend or your children or family member who can come over and help you?

I do not agree with 2 carding, this man has been like this for 18 years.

He is verbally abusive and has nearly hit her, he has hit a family member. Give him no choice as you do not know how he will react.

Leave now, go to a solicitor and get all the finances that are yours by right. I cannot believe some posters are suggesting the two card choice. This Bastard has been like this to you for 18 years. He has exhausted any chances. I don't think in his case it is dementure either as it has gone on too long.

Your chance of peace and happiness now, Grab it, you have somewhere to go.

If you telephoned the police and told them he suggested you kill yourself or you felt he was going to hit you he may well be arrested held in custody for 24 hours and banned from going anywhere near you for a minimum of 30 days.
In that time you will be able to seek help and be free from this disgusting man. If he broke the ban he would be held in prison. A work colleague was married to a similar man as yours and as a result of the police action she was freed from him. She had spoken to a female police officer in the street and asked the officer advice and the policewoman replied “you don’t have to put up with that do you want us to sort it”. I hope your life changers for the better soon. Xx

Telegran I worry for your safety, I don’t think you should be around someone who has threatened kill you. I promise your mum will be more pleased that you’re safe!

Please take care of yourself, and see if you can get both medical and personal safety help.

I really think you’ve put up with this for too long. Please realise your worth, and move on. It’s hard, but, really, after such a length of time, he hasn’t changed, so perhaps you might xxx

Welcome and a hug! Xx

For all those telling Telegran just to go, you obviously haven't been in her situation. It is much more complex than that. For a start, controlling people who see their control slipping away from them, can act very violently if they see that. It is one of the most dangerous times for a woman who has been controlled for such a long period of time. I would strongly advise you to carefully plan your escape and when the time comes, ask the police to accompany you so you are safe.
Meanwhile, you can ring Women's Aid and they will advise you of what help you can expect to receive. They will be very discrete because they are aware that you are in danger even if you have never been hit before.
At this time of the year, it might be possible for you to spring clean and sort. That way you can get your documents together, sort your clothes into a grabable pile and know where everything is you want to take with you. If you have a smart phone, you can take photo's of his financial status and send them to someone you know will keep them safe before deleting them.
If you need to call the police, you have to tell the operator and them you are in fear of being seriously hurt. That way, they should respond knowing what the situation is. Once they are there, ask them not to leave you alone with him. That way, they will be aware of how frightened you are. The courts can help you and this will help you make you case because everything is recorded. Telling you to commit suicide is rather clever, he isn't actually threatening you with violence so you may not have enough cause for an injunction but a solicitor or a refuge could advise there.
I wouldn't offer the 2 card choice to a man like this. You might trigger the violence you are afraid of.

This is Psychological and emotional abuse. You need to see your Doctor and tell him/her about your situation. Also contact Women’s Aid for advice if you live in the Uk. Their number is tel:08082000247
Try to keep calm when your husband is angry, don’t argue with him. Try and talk to him when he is calm. If he get’s right in your face move away to another room or outside. If you have family you may be able to confide in them. If the situation gets worse can you stay with a friend or family member for a few days until you see your doctor? They may have noticed any changes in your husband. Good luck, I hope you can get the help you need soon.

The police have stepped up on domestic abuse and this is the case with you husband. Suggest next time he starts shouting and being in your face call the police when you can. Or you could go ito a police station and just report him.

Congratulations to all those here who have gotten out of abusive marriages/relationships!

Telegran, I'm glad you're taking steps to get out, too. Please don't worry too much about the house or whether or not you'll get half his pension, etc. Your safety and well-being are what matter most. Women's Aid can help you until you're on your feet. And a good solicitor can help you sort things out, financially and otherwise.Best of luk moving forward!

Thanks apple gran
You’re right I’m sure I’m trying to get my head around it will I be ok etc