Aggressive husband

That's good news you are going to contact Women's Aid or similar for advise. A poster has advised for you to take photos on your phone of financial documents if you think that he would notice missed paperwork.
As he never leaves you on your own, I've been trying to think of ways to get you and your cats away from him.
The best time might be when he is in the shower or bath, throw what ever you can and your cats in the car and just take off. Or, maybe in the night if you're sure he's fast asleep. The safest thing to do though, would be to contact the Police somehow and ask them to escort you from the house.
If he threatens you after you've left, ring the Police.

Telegran, good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Telegran, are you serious? You have to ASK if he's being abusive? You need to have higher standards and expect more respect. No one should ever EVER tell someone else to go and commit suicide.

Readymeals, you obviously don’t understand the affect of abuse on women and how they lose track of the norm. His abuse probably started insidiously so Telegran didn’t realise what was happening and it built from there. After a while they are working on a different norm from the rest of the world. Where there is no actual violence, it is even harder to get your head around. I think you have to be in that situation before you can truly understand how your view is eroded. Once you are out of it, you look back and wonder how you ever got to that point. Before you leave, even when you have had that lightbulb moment, it is difficult to see how you can achieve escape which is why you need good support.

Ok, but it's just too horrible for words. Poor Telegran

Just make sure you do something about it now you are aware of the problem.
I was with an emotionally abusive partner for many years until the penny dropped, realised he was narcissistic and got out. Never regretted it.

I’m holding back as my mums old and it would really hurt her and I don’t want her to know about him . A few friends have thought he’s a bit off at times but I’ve just made excuses for him
It is easy for us to say 'leave him'. I have been in a similar situation many years ago. When I told people he had left they said ''Thank goodness, we thought he would kill you one day'' and I did not think anyone noticed.
If you cannot see a way out, contact the Adult services of the Social Services. Personally I would not want to get them involved, but from what you say you need someone to help you and it might be better than going to a solicitor. If they know about your mother at risk, CAB would say the same. I think for your protection and that of your mother it might help you, and at least someone in authority knows what is going on.

Readymeaals, Ij don't think that was a very good answer, Telegram, she has already lost her confidence through abuse and needs answers that will help regain it not ones that put her down.

I don't see how that was putting her down? Just making it vehemently clear that there is no question whatsoever about whether that is abuse - in case she was still dithering over it.

I would recommend finding your nearest CAB for assistance. Not only do they have a list of organisations that could help but, if you are very frightened by what your husband might do, they can refer you for specialist help.

I can't see him agreeing to see a counsellor as he doesn't want to give up his overbearing aggressive behaviour which he obviously thrives on.
Married 24 years possibly means that you are in your 50s if it's a first marriage so my advice would be to leave. No warning, just get advice from a solicitor or CAB (if in the UK) gather all your paperwork (bank, insurance, loans, mortgage, birth and marriage certificates etc) into a file. Start packing your clothes and leave them with your mum and separate your bank account if you have a joint one.
Don't, at any stage, let your OH know what you're doing as he might go berserk and burn your clothes, freeze the bank account etc.
If he sees you taking clothes out just say they are going to the charity shop.
On the day you plan to leave for good, get a friend and a man (relative?) to be there with you.
Don't let him know your new address and tell banks and other companies you personally deal with, to send mail to your mum's address or arrange to collect from the Post Office. Make sure they know not to send your personal mail to your OH's address as you can be sure that he'd read and/or destroy it.
Don't forget to visit your local council for emergency accommodation whether or not you stay with mum for a few days.
I wish youbtge very best of luck but you are probably young enough to start again.
Don't, under any circumstances blab to friends as it might backfire and your OH might hear about your plans, just look forward to freedom and a happier future.

Call Women’s Aid and get the call logged. They are extremely helpful, or were to my daughter. Also if it should come to Court you may be eligible for Legal Aid if Women’s Aid have been involved.

Bless you, what an awful time you have had, as have many others it seems looking at through the posts.

youbtge you the

Telegran, first of all, welcome to Gransnet. Second, I commend you for sharing and hope this is the first step towards improving your life

Narcissist, threatening, abusive, controlling bully with violent tendencies; he makes a tense atmosphere within your home, isolates you from friends & family and intentionally cuts off any means of escape or relief for you - your husband shows all the classic signs of being an abusive husband that is potentially very dangerous. You say you have already had to have medication for anxiety and it sounds like his constant put-downs, threats, verbal abuse contributed or was the main cause of this. Your home is somewhere that you should be able to relax, breathe easy, feel safe and secure, be able to invite friends and family round for company, celebrations, meals etc - it should not be his personal battleground. How long before he starts carrying out some of his more extreme threats? Abusers do not stop, their behaviours worsen. I hope you can keep yourself safe whilst working out what you want to do. Anyone who has experienced any form of an abusive partner/domestic violence and got out of that relationship is likely to advise you to leave him or get him to leave. It does not sound like dementia, it sounds like abuse. It never ends well if he is allowed to continue his utter domination and he will not like anything that impedes his 100% control, but the priority has to be your physical and emotional safety.

I agree with other people that have posted not to worry about your elderly mum as she would almost certainly want you safe and well, out of harm's reach, and happy. However other people might be affected by decisions you make can be dealt with at a later date - right now you need to focus on your needs and make some tough decisions. Abusers rely on secrecy, on their targeted victims keeping quiet and internalising everything - this is a big part of why so many people have these problems over longer periods of time.

I can't reiterate enough how important it is for you to be aware of your personal safety. Know that Gransnet is here to support you, prop you up when you are down etc. Please take care of yourself, if you have any friends or family you can trust then reach out, share, unburden yourself and accept their help. I know I will be thinking about your post and worrying about you. Be careful, be safe, be yourself and be happy. Best wishes

I don't suppose you meant anything by it but Telegran, are you serious? You have to ASK if he's being abusive? just struck me that you had no idea of the psychology of it all. This lady sounds like she has had a lifetime of having someone put her down, being vehement with their views and feeling unsure of herself that she probably doesn't need it on here. I'd also hate anybody else who was going through the same thing not to come on here to ask for advice because they thought we would think they were stupid.

Then I apologise if I worded it clumsily. I didn't mean to cause extra problems for Telegran.

My husband was the most mild mannered man you could imagine then after 25 years of marriage he started getting angry and abusive. I arranged for him to see a doctor and I went with him. He claimed everything was my fault and I was the one who needed help. He was diagnosed with mixed dementia and eventually sectioned under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act and has now been in a hospital for two years and a care home for the following two years in a male only unit. Good luck and I hope things turn out for you OK.

I would endorse everyone else's view, get out while you can. If you live in the uk phone National Women's Aid helpline (0808 2000 247) it is run 7days a week, they will give you advice. Whether his aggression is is bought on by illness really is irrelevant it is obviously affecting your health.

This behaviour not acceptable for all this time,thought it might be early signs of dementia but unlikely for all this time. Need to make decision re your future,peace and tranquillity needed in later life,good luck

I contacted IDAS try them. I was in this situation for 26 years but 1 day I just got up took a few things and walked out. Never went back, I deserve better as do you x

Thanks icanhandthemback.
You’re right it’s not that simple to just go . He has threatened me in the past in front of a family member who heard him tell me he would burn the house down with me in it but they were a young teenager at the time . He knows I’m not on my medication now for anxiety and he doesn’t like it at all because he’s also told me he will get me sectioned one day ! I feel safe enough at the moment he’s just very quiet doesn’t like me having a comment to make about anything such as you got the music on abit loud shall I get you the headphones! Well that was enough he’s gone in a major sulk now again I’ve been given the silent treatment for the last few hours but that’s ok it’s nice and sunny outside I’m going to get a tan lol . Thanks again

Having been through something similar myself, I can say that this is definitely emotional abuse. I agree with the suggestion to contact Women's Aid - perhaps Refuge too.

No one has to live like this. I divorced my husband in 2017 and I now have a lovely new male friend in my life. He's encouraging and respects me. He sent me a text this morning to wish me a happy Easter Day and to tell me he 'loves me lots'!

You are worth much more. Believe it and please do something about your situation. This man will never change; things will only get worse.

Regardless of when/if you leave him, you need to know that your finances will be safe. You don't want to escape to a place of refuge and find you have no money. Money is most important. If you can transfer some of your joint account into a separate one do so. Speak to a solicitor about your money worries.
I am sorry that you have these problems. My husband had dementia and although he did not physically abuse me he was verbally aggressive in public, shouted at me in restaurants, and accused me of putting poison in his food, wanting to put a bullet in his brain.etc. In public!!
If he had hit me I would have left after speaking to a solicitor and to the police. I was lucky in a way. Best wishes, Telegran.

Oh Telegran please seek help, I genuinely believe what you're experiencing is called coercive control, it's a form of abuse , take a look at the following link.

www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/

Thanks everyone have to be careful he’s in the same room I’m ok thanks I be back when I can