Aggressive husband

You can't sacrifice your life for your mother's. You don't have a second one.
Seek advice as quickly as possible. Don't alert him to what you are doing as leaving a violent relationship is dangerous and you need to put your protection first.

Telegran I help with the women's refuge near my town and the domestic abuse helpline is 0808 802 3333. When you leave you may want to get right away and they will help you do that and support you as you go through the repurcussions.
My first husband behaved as yours does both towards me and then started on the children as we had them. I was told that he was a psychopath as, when others were around, he was delightful.
My thoughts are with you and I hope you can get away soon. xx

I am sure that you will get half of everything, including his personal pensions.
What are your animals?
I'm trying to think how you could get them and yourself out of the house, if he never leaves you alone.
I'm going to ring Women's Aid for you and get there advice on how to get out safely.
Please make sure that he can't get into Gransnet.

Apologies, I should have said that that number is the national domestic abuse number.

Thank you . Even though I’ve read a lot about narcissistic he has every trait so why am I finding it difficult to believe it ? He’s never hit me but just a few months ago hit a young family member

Plan your escape. First check the legal side with a 30min free consultation at a solicitor. He/she will be able to advise about the pension, house, savings etc.

Have you any money of your own? ?Can you access the savings? If not can you start to syphon some off without him realising.

Find somewhere to live. If you run you must have somewhere to run to. You only get one chance when you're escaping. If you have to go back it will virtually impossible to escape a second time.

Choose an escape day and plan towards it. What can you take from the house without him noticing? I don't mean big things but can you take some crockery, cutlery, pans etc. Things you will need. I escaped with virtually nothing but it's amazing how little you actually need and the freedom is intoxicating.

Don't let him know where you have moved to; change your email address and phone number if you can. He will harass you with promises and, if that doesn't work, threats.

Don't worry about what other people think. He will do his best to blacken your name. If people believe him then they're not worth knowing anyway.

When you escape change some routines esp. if they are ones that he has imposed on you. Doesn't matter if they sound silly to other people. I started to watch the Simpsons at 6pm instead of the BBC News. Not that I didn't want to watch the news but he had insisted on the 6pm BBC News. So I watched the Simpsons and then Channel 4 News. Even now, 12 years later, I never completely fill the kettle.

Put yourself first. You are being emotionally abused. It breaks down your self esteem and makes you feel useless. You can do this. You will find strength you didn't know you had. Sometimes you will feel lonely but that's natural as you build a new life. I'll bet there are many times you feel lonely now even though you are still living with him.

If you need to, get your GP onboard. You make need meds for a while but then again you may not. Freedom may be so exhilarating that your anxiety issues fade to insignificance especially as most of them are probably caused by your husband anyway.

Yes it is abuse, and yes it does include his pension!! The whole pot is added up and split between you, but make sure you do get some of that pension!!

There is some good info here - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Could the person he hit be of any help here in getting you OR him, out?

Don't forget, this is also evidence in some respect too ....

Good luck hunni, and let us know how you are getting on - I think most of us are pretty worried about you xxx

and here - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/dividing-up-money-and-belongings-when-you-separate/

You must leave this man but do not confront him as I fear for your safety. Contact women's aid and see if there us an organisation who will care for your pets temporarily. I think this may be in place for people who are hospitalised. Some sort if foster home until you find a place of your own. You will be entitled to half and some of his pension but you need advice. Just get the he'll away from him. If you have relatives who can assist, preferably ones he cannot hurt/bully, seek their help. Please come back to us when safe to do so so we know you are ok

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Thanks buffybee I will ring them I’ve found my local ish one . I’m not ready yet I have to plan he’s very clever at spotting things. I have 2 cats I’m safe don’t worry about me nothing different than the last 18 years I just didn’t see the narcissistic bit thanks I’m ok honestly if I wasn’t I would ring the police but I’m not in danger

Take care lovely - being on your own will be scary - but better than the inevitable alternative. Stay safe ?

I'm thinking you've explained the situation has been like this for many years ...... We can hope and pray that things improve but that rarely happens. The reality is that it's now habitual.

My bottom line is that you can change yourself ..... But not your husband unless he accepts he has a problem. The years will otherwise drift by and you'll both be in the same awful predicament.

Be strong, make your decision and act on it. No it's not easy, it's scary, but sounds like a picnic compared to your current circumstances.

He may have always had some type of mental disorder or he's just an habitual bully. First step make double appointment with your GP to help you cope in the interim. You deserve more ......

It certainly is abuse, and he's making your life miserable. It has gone on so long, and he won't change. I've been in this sort of marriage, and the best thing I did was leave.
You deserve to enjoy life. Good luck.

You need to be unavailable go out go for long walks go to a library pick up a short course
Close your legs dont engage in wifely activities ie no sex
Then start to think about what your needs are and what you want.
If you think its health related it might be he has tomake up his mind to seek support if not you have to decide if you can continue this way till you DIE
Your mother has lived her life you need too live yours.
I dont mean to be unpleasant but you do need a sharp wake up call.
Im saying this with some authority Im going through a divorce at the monent 25 years wasted is not a joke
Time waits for no one

My husband was abusive to me physically and mentally . This went on for years on and off . Until one day I had enough , he started being aggressive , so I said I was leaving . He then wanted to argue over a torch i was taking because it was dark . He grabbed me , so I hit him over the head with it . Since standing up to him ,he has never touch me again . All the time you are weak and put up with it , they will prey on it . Good luck .

I can only agree with what everyone else has said. Before I retired I was a Senior Nurse for Child Protection and I heard about this form of abuse many many times. Emotional abuse is probably the worst form because it’s hidden whereas if your OH hit you there could be visible evidence. You cannot live like this because your health will suffer, if it hasn’t already. Is there anywhere you can go e.g. a family member or close friend? Use one of the contacts other ladies have given you and very importantly clear your searches on computers, laptops, iPad etc.

Exactly!

Why should anyone live like this your worth more yes your worth more.
This makes me so sad

* Telegran* please do as advised by other posters, you are finding it difficult to believe he is a narcissist, because when you see the nice side of hi, even if it is only being nice to other people, its hard to distinguish the good from the bad sides,
I know a narc, and sometimes i think i could be wrong and doubt my own feelings wondering if i am imagining it, they are like Jekyl and Hide
Look up Quora,its a site all about narcissism,and lots of videos on you tube too
My first husband threatened to break my legs if i left him, but i managed to escape to my parents about 400 miles away when he was at work, even though he had taken all my money off me and locked it away
Good luck,

Agree with others here. Make a plan and tell no-one as they might tell him.
Does he work so you are on your own sometimes? Then you can leave in his absence.
If he doesn't work, I hope he isn't watching you while you're out.
Similarly, I hope he doesn't know passwords for your mobile phone or computer.
He sounds like a control freak and that is not going to change.
Fortunately it will soon be possible to divorce without giving a reason.
He'll call everyone you know and pretend to be the sorrowful husband so be prepared to have your name blackened but your safety and peace of mind are more important.
Finally, don't worry about your mother. She'll understand when it's all over.

Lots of good advice has been given here. Please put yourself first, keep safe and get out before his awful threats lead to action. Good luck and best wishes for a new life.

I suffered similar and more with my first husband. Forever thinking he “might” change and he never did. Best thing ever was he had an affair and that was my way out - thank goodness for that other woman.

Go and get professional advice from a solicitor but I don't know how you can as he will want to come with you. Dreadful situation, controlling isolating behavior. Typical of an abuser, a domestic abuser. Have a look on your computer under domestic abuse, the signs etc. Sometimes people don't think its that bad until they get away from them. If you can contact support from a professional organization that assist women of domestic abuse. Talk to them for guidance and a plan for the future. Take care and good on you for reaching out, it takes courage.

Get rid ASAP but get your own finances in order before you start proceedings. You will be happy without this man.
Best of luck.

definitely get help/advice as soon as possible - sounds a horrible situation. The Courts etc. take 'coercive' behaviour far more seriously these days. He sounds very controlling, which must be horribly scary for you. Good luck and hope you get it all sorted very quickly.