Should I move out

Vauxhall, I am sorry about your situation. I cannot give advice, only sympathy, and unfortunately so many older men lead lives which revolve around sport, watching, not playing. My neighbour is one, he is 87, and spends all day watching TV sport, while his wife of 81 cooks, cleans, gardens, shops, and does other necessary things. She is busy all day. If I go to visit them he is always moaning about her and how she has a lot of money but won't spend any. (She has stocks and shares, which are doing well.) I hope you can find a way to improve your life.

Move out... Live your own life...

The best advice I ever had when I was trying to decide if I should leave or not was this ...

''If you can think of one reason, no matter how small, to stay, then you really don't want to go. If you really wanted to go ... nothing would stop you''

When the time came NOTHING stopped me, I walked away with literally nothing except my future happiness.

There seems to be lots of information missing here which makes it difficult to give any kind of help but I think you have got to tell this man you are on the verge of moving out, in other words without Relate sit down and talk. It must be really boring having him watch TV all day but do you have to watch him, get out and do something, anything, can you make one room in the house yours? have your own TV if you want. During the talk it might be useful to find out if he wants sex, not surprised you don't as things are. If you are determined to go sort everything out beforehand.

If the house has two reception rooms make one of them up as your lounge. Get your own tv, move your favourite chair and other furniture in there, make it your own - or move him in there and make the lounge your own. Get more out of life with or without husband. Join things, volunteer etc (assuming you are not working).
If you do move you could split the dogs - and still visit so that they meet, and/or arrange to meet in the park or wherever you walk them. If you take them all they will miss your husband so whatever you do, they will have to adjust - which they will as long as they still get food and attention and have at least one doggy companion.

How old are the dogs? Most dogs' lives are about 12-15 years. It may be that in a couple of years there are only one or two left. In your situation don't replace any that sadly pass away. I have had a number of dogs in my time, and although I was very sad when they died, in the end it was a bit of a relief as there was a lot less work.

I have to wonder what is wrong with these men not engaging with any social activity or their families with their partners,there must be lots of housebound people who would love the chance of getting out and about and can't through one thing and another.
Saggi how sad for you when your family visits and your OH removes himself to eat his meal,he wouldn't do it in my house as I wouldn't be cooking for him at all,luckily enough my OH enjoys visits from our family and will spend as much time with them as he can.

My husband sits watching sports on TV most of the time too. I love the life I have with him and don't find it boring. I watch what I want on my laptop with my earphones on. I find the setup really cosy. We're retired now and I love the fact that all the pressure of working and bringing up children is over. You could sit together each doing your own thing like we do. We also have several pets and we love them all.

Vauxhall58 if you are seriously considering splitting from your husband, contact you Council or Housing Association about moving to a one bed flat or house. Speak to your Rent Officer explaining the situation and the pets. Once you know where you stand with them, speak with CAB about separating, finances etc. Then, once you are holding all the facts, and know your options, speak to your husband. Lay everything out in the open and make your final decision based on his reactions.
Things to consider: are you both on the rental agreement, pensions, benefits, work and family commitments and of course your extended family and pets.
Hopefully you can work things out between you both and reach a satisfactory conclusion. Best wishes for the future.

Dies your husband ever walk the dogs? If he's glued to the tv every day, I guess not. Do you let them out in the garden and does your husband fee, groom and clean up after them? Again, I'm guessing not.
If you apply to be allocated a 1 bed council house, flat or bungalow, I think you'll be waiting a very long time as you are not homeless and, if you leave you'll be, as they say, intentionally making yourself homeless and they will suggest you look for a private rental.
Private rentals where dogs are permitted are much harder to secure.
Your finances need to be looked at. You'll need a deposit of 6 weeks rent plus the first month in advance and many agents won't take people on benefits.
There are also EA fees who h can be considerable.
Broadband...another outlay you will have to pay out of your own money plus usual utilities and 75% of the council tax bill.
I know a lot of negatives sounds harsh but transitioning into single living can be daunting for some.
If the accomodation is unfurnished, you would need furniture and all the things you now share with your husband...bed, bedding, crockery, pots and pans, chairs and table, curtains etc.

You need to consider it all very carefully. At 59 you would be liable to pay £154 for a tv licence and you'd need to buy a tv in the first place.

Moving out is not going to be an easy job and, as you're not in an abusive relationship, the council will have further reason not to allocate you one of their properties.
The same would apply if it were your husband who left home.
Please consider how you can make life more pleasant where you are.
I wish you luck and a happy future.

Oops!
Dies fee who h Does feed which

I love your solution Saggi lol, lots of good advice as usual for you Vauxhall. Whatever you do, with or without hubby you have to be brave and positive. It's scary changing your life after 20+ years so double checking your reasons and making sure you have tried all options will make it easier on the bad days. Is your husband depressed ? is he missing the intimacy with you ? (I don't mean sex) does he think you don't want him so he might as well please himself ? Was he always like this and since the family have grown up and moved out you suddenly realise you don't like the relationship anyway ? Do you ever go to sporting events together ? would he consider taking up something that gets him out of the house ? fishing ? golf ? cycling ? photography at sporting events ? anything that helps him change his routine that could help you do the same ? I use to escape to the garden when married to my first husband if I couldn't be away from the home for some reason. I loved gardening and my dog was a great way of being out of the house, he never joined me on a walk btw . If you can't move out and you can't continue as you are , something needs to change as you already know. That change must start with you. Good luck and let us know how it works out

Hello Saggi, You have no way of knowing what my situation is but I will say I actually do know what I am talking about.

I also know that if I lived in a household such as yours I would not confine myself to one room and describe my husband as a loser. It seems that he is certainly not a loser, getting everything he wants and being looked after by an enabling wife who tolerates unacceptable behaviour. It seems really sad Saggi.

Saggi you're brilliant!

I second that Beejo!!!!!

If it's only over control of the tv, I, personally, wouldn't even contemplate leaving my husband, I would have done it 50 years ago if it had been an issue with me, as he's always had control of it. I can't say I haven't been hurt at times that my feelings haven't been considered. Surely, your issues must go deeper than his lack of consideration over the TV. I'd give it a good deal of thought, it takes a great deal courage to up sticks and leave to start a new life.

Saggi love you obviously this wont work for everyone but it works for you.
OP
I just want you to know that Im not being awful .You can do some things to make your life a life of contentment and to a degree happiness.
Whilst you decide on what to do. Improve yourself honestly I think you do need help due to menopause.
I wonder how he feels about you? I think you both resent yourselves and the reasons are clear.
Its not a crime to fall out of love the crime is not knowing why.
Im.in tbe process off ending my marriage 25 years wasted.
I decided life is so short
Its funny all this sorrow, happiness.
Who can see into the future?
Take control change what you want to change .Work on yourself as well.

Lots of people seem to be suggesting that the council will just come up with a smaller property so the OP can leave but I doubt they will and why should they. Why should the state be expected to rehouse anyone just because they can't make a relationship work. Surely it's each individual's problem and they must find their own solution at their own expense. No wonder there is a housing crisis!

Will your life be any better on your own? Worrying about money, paying the bills. OK you may have a TV but your outgoings are going o be great as GG54 said. Why can't you make a life for yourself sharing the house and come to an agreement about sharing the TV programme. If its more you want, days out, companionship etc then get out and join some groups. My son has divorced his wife but they still share a house living separate lives. It can work.

Vauxhall58, do you live your whole life as one long sentence? I’m not criticising your lack of punctuation, but I think you should stop every now and again to take a breath. Perhaps you will then be able to think more clearly.

Vauxhall a straight question requiring a straight answer
Do you love your husband of 21 years?

you say you are not happy but maybe he isnt either can you really just give up or is it worth talking to try to change things seems a shame to throw so many years away without trying

5 dogs would take a lot of looking after on your own and couldn't really be left alone if you were at work or decided to have a day out or go on holiday.
They would also cost a lot to feed.
No council would dream of putting you on a waiting list if your reasons for leaving were as spurious as husband watching too much tv and not going out.
I hope some of us have been able to persuade you to re-think the situation and stay put but make a different life for yourself at home.
I get the feeling that trips to the theatre, WI, knitting, sewing, baking and joining clubs are not your 'thing'.
That makes it difficult to make friends. I think you spend far too much time indoors and would benefit from some outside activity. Do you like gardening? Maybe you could make changes to your own garden and spend more time outdoors this summer. There's a gardening thread on GN and plenty of advice from keen gardeners should you need it.
Life is what you make it and I hope you can see possibilities in the advice offered here.

Specs

Stream of consciousness writing is not defined by punctuation or a lack of it.

"a literary style in which a character's thoughts, feelings, and reactions are depicted in a continuous flow uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue"

Dubliners is a collection of short stories. You may be "thinking" of Ulysses

Seakay :You may be "thinking" of Ulysses. Thanks for correcting me. I’m laughing at myself now. It’s so long ago since I did it in uni. I just remembered loving the uninterrupted flow. And that’s what Vauxhall’s sad flow of thoughts reminded me of. ?