not allowed to see grand daughter

i have tried every way to get communications back but nothings working

Have you tried doing nothing? Its an active choice. While you are "trying everything" she may feel bombarded and her defenses are up.

I dont understand this parragraph:

no i was but that has ceased, i really dont know what to do i tried to gain access have a conversation about regular access and my daughter made such a fuss in front of my grand daughter, she was in bits crying saying that means i will never see you again , i cannot repeat that thats no good to anyone

For that to happen on front of your GC you must have been seeing your grandchild... so why were you asking for fixed contact arrangements at that point? You seem to be jumping the gun, that is language people use when they havent been seeing the child at all, not when they ARE seeing them???

It sounds like, is this correct? INITIALLY you all were seeing the DD and GC, just less of them because her life had changed a bit (single to coupled.. so naturally will be less available) and then all of you demanded to see no less of them than before and that made the DD just back off from all of you completely?

Don't see anywhere that the OP has said her daughter has asked for space, perhaps I missed that bit?

No but it does seem like, if I am reading this correctly, the OP and family WERE seeing them when they all asked for MORE contact which is when the DD said she would go NO contact

Also, if the OP says she tried "everything" then that presunably includes time and space for everyone to decompress? No?

Which is why I asked the OP for the timescales as its unclear

Sounds to me as if your daughter's new partner is a controlling partner trying to cut her off from her family so that she and her daughter are entirely under his control.

I think the best thing to do for the moment is nothing. See if her siblings can keep up a clandestine contact with her without her partner knowing and be ready to rescue her and provide a secure refuge for her when she tries to make a run for it.

If you are worried about your grand daughter, speak to Social Services, they will treat your information with care and not tell the family who reported them to SS.

Could it be an early sign of coercive control?
It sounds like that to me, too.

Very worrying that this person is new in your DD's and DGD's life but is already distancing them from all the family and not just you because you may have spoken out of turn. I wonder what right he thinks he has to stop a grandmother seeing her grandchild when he is not a relation to the child at all?

I would be worried that the new partner is not allowing you to see your DGD especially as she is showing signs of disturbed behaviour sufficient for the school to be involved. At least school is aware and she is having therapy.

agnurse - and in the meantime, waiting for daughter to come round - there is one very disturbed little girl. I would want to know why.

I’m puzzled. How does nannytracey know what the school is doing?

I’m puzzled. How does nannytracey know what the school is doing?

I'm guessing because this all happened in quick sucession and is all very recent? Thats why I asked the OP about time lines as its hard to follow without knowing how long its been going on or what happened when so hard to advise.

Schools do provide sort of group therapy (usually not called that, called "nurture" group or similar) for children adjusting to any life changes (or struggling with relationships at school). It doesnt mean the children who go are "messed up" necessarily..

Sounds like the last time the OP saw the DD there was a row between OP and DD which the GC witnessed, so of course she will have been distressed at the time.

Please DO NOT get your other children involved. I've been piggy in the middle the first time my parents and sister were estranged. It's not a good place to be.

Good grief!! I'd be surprised if nannytracey ever comes back again!

Can some people stop writing in CAPITAL LETTERS or italics please!!

Does the op need to be shouted at and flooded with a barrage of unnecessary questions??

She is obviously stressed, very concerned about her gd and no doubt d.

Notanan2.....I think that paragraph you refer to was in reply to my question.

Callistemon….precisely!!

Sorry to hear this dearies, I always find a nice cup of tea, some shortbread and a family 'love session' sorts it all out.
xx gamgam xx

I’m having a similar problem. After 20 years my DIL says she doesn’t want me in her life and I can’t see my granddaughters who are 11 and 12. I’m beyond destroyed. My son has sided with her because he’s scared of losing her. I’ve supported them mentally and financially for 2 years because I loved them and they were struggling. I’ve been advised to leave them alone and just hope they will come round. I’m grieving, I’ve lost 5 people out of my life. Nothing you can do, just be patient and hope.

Not at all sure how it would help your current situation but I know I find Meditation a great help in my life.
I only usually do 15 mins a day- I use the Headspace app. on my phone which is a good one for me.
I started at a yoga class years ago & found I liked it so did it sometimes for a while but now I make a point of doing it every day- even for only 15 mins & it really helps 'ground' me.
I have had a very bad couple of weeks with DiL very ill & it has helped me so much to keep in control & be there for family ( she is on the mend now) but I really believe that without that time to myself every day I would not have coped well at all.
It's worth a try but remember it does take some practise to get good at it- at first your brain just wants to take over & fly all over the place but you can soon learn to control it.
Interestingly my DGC do it at primary school - I wish all schools would teach it- we would have much calmer, happier children.

I think he sounds very controlling too , unfortunately all you can do is bide your time . What a terrible situation for both you and your granddaughter .

Give your daughter a bit of space. We have been down this same path. It is very tricky. We didn't see our grand-daughter for nearly a year as the result of us calling out our sons dreadful behavior towards his little daughter. Not enough for authorities but bad enough for us to ask him to leave. So no contact from him. His ex-wife is lovely. She lets us see her a bit, now its good holidays and some days, random. Which is good. She had a new partner though after her marriage broke up and he isolated her from her own mother, her family and friends and us. It was domestic abuse. She lost all her confidence. It got worse and worse until finally she saw the light and moved out. It took a while. We did try mediation out of frustration but it just made it worse and put her and ex husband together again against us. They didn't re-kindle the marriage though. Luckily our ex daughter in law is lovely and could see that we are good for our grand-daughter. You might have to be patient. Hopefully this man may not work out, fingers crossed and keep your door open.

Is your gand daughter in danger? How old is she? What is the history of the new love?

Have I missed something- how old is DGD, has she been involved in this decision? Is her father around - what does he say?

Without knowing details perhaps when you intervened previously you shouldn't have? If that might be the case then for the sake of your GD perhaps you could make a point of apologising to them both and then letting things settle for a while and see if there's a thawing of relationships? Just a suggestion.

This sounds heartbreaking, nannytracey, but I'd encourage you to try to give it some time. Even if he is potentially a coercive controller, putting up a fight at this stage may just entrench your daughter's position of pushing away the family because he says so. I don't see how mediation would work in this situation, because your daughter would have to want to work out a new way forward.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, when her daughter was living abroad with her husband. After the children were born, the husband persuaded the daughter that her parents were controlling and that he mother was causing her mental health problems, which resulted in an estrangement. In the end, the husband had an affair and left the daughter and she obviously her mum and dad offered support, which was accepted. The situation may feel hopeless now, but things could shift if you back right off.

How long has this been going on? How old is your granddaughter? Can you send her letters, telling her what you have been doing talking about things she liked? Send her pictures maybe even enclose a sae so she could send you a reply. I am in a difficult situation myself, so understand hw upsetting it can be.

how about turning up on her doorstep? and offering her help. maybe she too scared to contact you........just a thought...

Dontaskme Each CItizens Advice is run autonomously therefore you cannot tar all with the same brush! You may have had a bad experience with one but like solicitors they vary!