not allowed to see grand daughter

It’s worth trying. It’s the only option right now. If she doesn’t agree now she may do later. Perhaps she would like to talk to someone not involved to give her side of the story?

Nancytracey, my heart goes out to you! I know you're worried about gd and must miss her very much! And I feel for gd also! First, her mom adds a new member to their family unit, which she doesn't like - and then she's co from family members that she knows and loves! I understand that your dd wants/needs a new man in her life, but I don't get how she could tear her (troubled) little girl away from family that mean something to her.

I think it's jumping the gun to say that the new man is controlling or coercive though. It sounds as if, with the best of intentions, Nancy, you interfered in their parenting - or that's how they see it - so they were both upset. It also sounds as if they responded by limiting contact, and you, understandably, made an issue about that. I say, "understandably" because you were, clearly used to more frequent contact. The changes must have seemed drastic to you.

Unfortunately, it is probably because you balked at the lowered contact that dd cut you out completely. I'm so sorry it went down that way, and hope she softens after a while.

I'm not clear on how much contact dd has with her siblings. I take it they text, but she has blocked them in all other ways? It's possible that's because they keep defending you and trying to get her to change her stance. I know it's hard, but Imo, you all need to back off a while.

I'm glad gd is in counseling. Please trust the school to help her. As for mediation, I doubt dd would go. Idk, but Imo, for mediation to work both sides have to have some leverage. You have more access to gd to gain from mediation, but what does dd have to gain? Do you see what I mean? She has authority over who gd sees and doesn't see. Why would she agree to negotiate that?

So I agree with those who say to try stepping back and just waiting for dd to (hopefully) reach out to you. It may take her longer than you would like, but chances are, it will happen.... Patience... and hugs!

I would agree with PP Pheonix that this is quite likely to be coercive control. I have had experience of this.
One thing those males who try coercive control don't like is a strong woman. By the very fact that we are grandmothers we have lived a long time experienced a lot of life and may have also had precious marriages we had to divorce ourselves from means that we are strong, we have faced adversity and survived. This must be a bit scary for them that we are not so easily manipulated.

well thank you all for your replies and yes i have returned albeit quite daunting lol, but u lot have opened my eyes , given me a whole new perspective and i think i needed that , so thank you
im no further on what to do
but you lot really have cleared my brain lol

so an email was sent a few days ago leaving doors wide open,
space is always a good thing
and maybe i try to hard sometimes to try everything lol
so im going to give myself a break
stop beating myself up
and see what happens

Maintain a dignified 'door is always open' stance then wait till she needs some childcare or a favour of some sort...she will, eventually.

i wish there was a like button on this page as answering everything individually would take me forever

Sounds like the 'new love' is being controlling of your daughter. This is now illegal.
How does he treat your GD?
Does she (GD) have a say as to whom she wants to see?
Can you see your daughter on her own, perhaps meet for a coffee and ask her why this is happening?

I'm still not clear OP why you were asking for a contact agreement back when you had contact. And the time-line/time scale of it all. If you feel up to answering it might help you get more appropriate advice.

Whether or not the email was a good idea will depend on the above. Was it just an email? Or a row, texts, calls etc and email all in quick sucession IYKWIM?

i have tried to see her on her own,via email no response, this has been going on for 5 months
my grand daughter is 7 i really dont think she gets a choice
last time i see my grand daughter she was a very unhappy little girl
i told her to tell her mum
which she did and was put into therapy at school
i was then blamed for her being unhappy
bearing in mind i have only seen her twice in 5 months
i tried going to see my daughter to see how my grand daughter was at her home and was not welcome
i was informed that there would be no access and it wasnt my daughter s decision it was the advise of the school about grand daughters health and well being
i was mortified that messed my head up totally
after a few weeks i decided i must do something
so i went to cab
the mention of mediation
but
i dont know why the school has come to that decision
so before anything i need to find out why
i rang the school
explained the situation
only to find that no advise about family members access denial of access was ever mentioned by the school
its all a bit of a big mess
a very big complicated mess

notanan2 at this moment in time nothing is a good idea as i have said i have left my door open

Sounds like the 'new love' is being controlling of your daughter. This is now illegal

It's a possibility but just because a new relationship coincides with someone going NC, does not mean that the new partner is necessarily the driving force unless there is other evidence of abuse.

Because sometimes it takes having a satisfying relationship to build up the courage to address the other relationships that arent working. I certainly felt less prone to upset and manipulation from some of my family since I became part of my ILs life, and had them as a constant reminder of what family should mean (minor irritations but always with an undertone of love and good intentions, as opposed to constant lies, games and manipulation, interspersed with angry blow-ups). And having a supportive partner and ILs makes me less tolerant of unacceptable behaviour from my side.

Lets keep an open mind and not accuse people of criminality based on very little.

It is very worth being aware of and looking out for co-ercive control. But NCing alone isnt really enough evidence to make that conclusive conclusion.

A new partner can be a catalyst for something that was a long time coming anyway in other aspects of life.

Or it can be coercive control.

There really isnt enough info on this thread to make those sorts of conclusions.

but in my daughters defence i would imagine that it was mortifying for her to put her child in therapy
and kids do have tendency to blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their life
its quite normal
and i do have every faith in her to do right by her daughter
and have every faith in the school to look after my grand daughter too

notanan there isnt a great deal of info full stop all i know is we have always been a close knit family
obviously things change
especially when new bf come on the scene
this is all very new and very confusing
i have no answers mediation sounds great but not if she isnt willing
i see that now

Well that rather changes things. If professionals have advised your DD to keep DGC away from you for now then your DD is in a position where if she doesnt comply with that she could be accused of putting her DD at "risk of future emotional harm" and could find herself at risk of losing the child (worst case scenario admittedly) So I think she probably needs to comply with the professionals for now. It doesnt mean forever.

It sounds like your interractions with your DD have at times been "heated". If that is the case it may have traumatised your DGC more than you realise, grown ups often think that children pick up on less about the adults around them than they do.

Can you get some councilling alone? It might help for when things settle down and bridges are ready to be built.

do you not read the thread properly notanan2 the school done no such thing
it was a lie

I think its good that you are open to mediation but while that is off the table, using your willingness to work on this (which is great and bodes well for future bridge building) solo councelling could be very helpful & worthwhile if you can affors it.

they didnt know what i was talking about when i rang them

i was informed that there would be no access and it wasnt my daughter s decision it was the advise of the school about grand daughters health and well being

I read this and read that you rang the school who didnt disclose any of this to you, which they wouldnt/shouldnt anyway as you are not a parent/guardian (in fact they really shouldnt discuss your DGC with you at all, and I imagine that you ringing the school will not go down well with your DD!)

Sorry if thats incorrect ^ what was the lie?

they didnt know what i was talking about when i rang them

Well of course, they wouldnt/shouldnt be able to confirm anything about your DGCs issues to you anyway. Thats to be expected as you are not parent or guardian.

If you rang out of desperation, that is understandable we all do things we shouldnt when desperate/distresssd, so long as you do realise that it was a massive breach of boundaries to do so. If you don't realise that (and why the school wouldnt confirm anything for you) then that might give some insight into why your DD is upset with you!

the lie was
school never advised my daughter to stop access for my grandchild to myself or any of the family
and yes they did speak to me as the conversation was about me
( as i needed to know why a school would decide that kind of thing about me and the family)
so the conversation was about me
not my grand daughter
yes no doubt my daughter was informed i had rang

Well the school made a big boo boo they should not have discussed anything related to your GC with you wether or not you were discussed.

And if your daughter lied, maybe it was because she is not ready to discuss her problems with you. Or maybe her partner is coercivr and she wasnt ready to reach out to you, But now because you called the school may have put a nail in the coffin so you are less likely to find out. That may take some time to over come. You shouldnt have done that, cant you see that at all?

Nannytracey…..
Please take a breather from this thread, for your sake!

Good luck

Or maybe your daughter isnt lying and the advice happened in a confidential conversation that wasnt shared with other staff members..

As I say, I understand why you felt compelled to ring the school. But at the same time you must see how invasive and disrespectful of boundaries, and your DDs place in your DGCs life as the person with parental responsibility, that action will seem to your DD