Son has discarded his entire family. Confused, Shocked and Grieving.

Starlady I'm not sure what other post people may be comparing mines to. Surely there would be no need for me to come on here and decieve an entire group of people for no reason at all. I just never thought that I would be in a position like this where a child that I had birthed and raise would just disown his parents and entire family. I did not act accordingly, and wish that I kept my mouth shut on isss pertaining to their elopement. It was so sudden and so unexpected I felt that I needed to talk to him about it but now know that I was very wrong in doing so. I will step back and allow for time to hopefully heal things. I said sorry to both of them, offered a face to face apology, and a written apology. My son kept quiet both times and DIL went off on me saying my apologies were insincere. I didnt say anything else for i was more in shock that he silently stood there and allowed her to scream at me in that manner.
Scribbles, Desdemona and rosecarmel thank you so much. Your posts were quite insightful! Hopefully time will change things but I'm not too hopeful. He has become someone that we barely even know anymore. We don't even know anyone from DILs family that we could maybe reach out to in hopes of having an adult conversation that would hopefully mediate things and lead to reconciliation. His grandmother was always there for him and he's absence during her funeral is a void that I doubt will ever be filled. No one is even talking about his absence for we did not see this coming. We thought that he surely loved her more than any dispute we had. The least he could have done was to give her, her final respect. We even promised not to talk to him if he didn't want to, but at least be in attendance. The silent treatment continues and its so painful to get ignored.

My greatest fear is that he may come around and we may never heal past this funeral issue for she d him no wrong, and he could have respected her enough to be there as she always was for him way until her departure.

Thank you everyone. I will step back and let them be. I'll also hopefully find a venting spac on here for the issue is almost taking a toll on my marriage. I will use this time to reflect on myself and hopefully get in terms with all of this. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, and offer encouragement. I appreciate it more the you know.

During this time of distance, it may be helpful to keep a journal on your computer / notebook / device instead of on paper - This way as you comb through your thoughts on the matter/s you can edit as you go along, purging all the hurt, making room for the healing, epiphanies and meaningful life changing practices -

It's helpful, just in life in general, to learn how to get out of your own way instead of being blind to the fact that you're holding yourself captive with the stickiness of your selfish desires and expectations -

Our personalities aren't static, we've the ability to change - And frequently when we do, we provide others with an example that they can change too - but not by telling them to -

No matter how things turn out, you've a life to live too ..

Good luck!

OP, I heartily apologise for thinking you were a poster from a few days ago. Your stories were very similar in many details,

I know you are suffering but I still get from some of your phrasing that you have not let go of your desire for your family to remain the intact unit, with your in laws as a kind of extension to your family.

You want so much involvement in your children’s lives. You see it as help and support, your son sees it as interference and control. Even what looks like kindness can be a way of maintaining leverage.

I’m afraid he may have married someone equally possessive and determined to create and maintain her own “family unit”. A clash with a similar personality to your own.

I don’t say it to be nasty. I genuinely think you are only part way to accepting how much you need to let go.

Sussexborn talks a lot of sense, if you have temporarily lost your son and his family, focus on the family you still have contact with

Elopements generally are unexpected and your reaction to the elopement wasn't great but rather than move on you seem to have moved further apart. I certainly wouldn't be financially supporting two healthy able bodied individuals who ought to be supporting themselves. Again your response was to say the Daughter in law should get a job, I think you need to engage your brain before your mouth gets you into trouble. A better approach would be to suggest your Son work full time, get a better job or even a second job. Your Daughter in law is never going to take any of your suggestions in the way you intend, she clearly takes them as a personal slur and she has something you want, your grandchild. I can only say what I would do which would be to write and repeat your apology and say that you're heartily sorry that they were offended because you never intended that and you'll wait for them to get in touch. Then you have to keep your distance and wait, don't do anything at all and certainly do not give them any money. Don't let them hold you to ransom, let them get on with their lives and you do the same. Stop leaving yourself wide open to the abuse they chuck in your direction. Move on.

SadandLost, before I read your post, from the title, I thought you meant your son had left his wife and children. I think that gives away a lot about the issues you are having, even if you can’t see its

You referred to yourself, your husband, your other children and the rest as your son’s “entire family” - that is not true, his wife and child are also his family. At this stage in a person’s life, a spouse and children take precedence over parents/siblings etc. I get the impression from your posts that you see your family as a unit, as opposed to as individuals with their own minds. There is also a lot of us/them inference from your posts, which is very divisive.

I don’t know you, but from the little information you have given, I can perhaps see why your son eloped in the first place.

I think you made a number of errors here and you really need to take a step back.

Your son is a grown man. He doesn't have to discuss his marital choices with you.

I agree that you have the right not to be used as a bank. However, it may not be as simple as telling DIL to get a job. Even if she wasn't working for pay, she was caring for her child. Day care is expensive. It's quite possible that any potential earnings from her could be swallowed up in paying for day care - and the day care still might cost more than that.

How did you phrase your apology? "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" and "I'm sorry for whatever I did" are not apologies at all.

For now, I think you need to take a step back. Your son is establishing his own little family. That's his choice.

Scribbles well said in your post couldnt have put it better. Families are so hard to deal with nowadays.I can honestly say i never had anything happen like this between my parents and in laws. It is so sad for everyone involved.

Your name reflects how you feel. I can only hope that all this will blow over. It usually does. So as others have suggested, just sit back and wait. In the meanwhile, don't give them any handouts. Good luck sadand lost

SadandLost, I totally get your reaction to the elopement. What else did ES and EDIL expect? Rarely, if ever, do parents say, "Oh, how wonderful! I'm so glad you went and got married w/o our being there!" or "How cool that we didn't so much as meet the girl before you married her!" Imo, it was perfectly "normal" for you and DH to be shocked and disappointed (in not getting to see the wedding).

I don't think you should have said anything though, and I'm glad you realize that now. But "Hindsight is 20/20." IMO, it's unfortunate but understandable that you didn't see it at the time. I think ES and DIL should have been more forgiving and tried to create a bridge, not push you away. But that's just me.

What I'm wondering is why they decided to elope in the first place? Could it have something to do w/ your other DS' wedding? Maybe ES saw all the fuss that goes w/ a wedding and didn't like it (some people don't)? Was he afraid you wouldn't approve of his bride for some reason? Did they simply not have the money? Were there some issues between you/DH and ES beforehand? You don't have to tell us, but I can't help but think if he even skipped his GM's funeral, there may be more going on here than just the problems concerning DIL. If you know why he eloped, it might give you a clue as to why he was, sadly, ready to co you, DH, and DS so completely. Maybe not. IDK. Or perhaps it's too painful to think about.

Then again, maybe, as a PP (previous poster) said, he just saw the invitation to the funeral as an attempt to pull him back into the fold. Or perhaps he was just afraid that if he went, you would spend time trying to reconnect with him, and he didn't want to deal with that. IMO, he should have looked beyond all that to go and pay his respects to his GM. But maybe he didn't see it that way. (Hopefully, he mourned her/paid his respects in his heart.) My point is, if it's any comfort, his failure to attend the funeral may have been for other reasons than coldness or disrespect.

I think we also need to remember that this man has not rejected his "entire" family. He has a new family that he is still involved with. He has found it difficult, for whatever reasons that we don't really know about, to meld the old and the new.

Sometimes people just aren't emotionally able to build bridges and have "meaningful discussions" about problems. It is simpler for them to gradually walk away - sad, but not always permanent.

They probably just wanted a quiet wedding. We’ve given our lot the same wedding fund each. One couple put it towards a big wedding, one covered the full cost, the other spent a couple of hundred on a ceremony with two witnesses and saved the rest. No hidden agenda, no fall outs, no problems, just having the weddings they wanted.

But with the best will in the world, the OP would have to be quite some actor to hide her instinctive reaction when her son turned up married to a girl she’d never met - wasn’t it natural to be a bit surprised?

As for not turning up at his grandmother’s funeral, I’d call that unforgivable, unless of course he sent flowers or a big cheque for the charity collection (from the big cheque she left him). The OP hasn’t mentioned that, so I assume he didn’t.

Step back and make the most of the family you have. Show on Facebook ( if you use it ) or elsewhere what a great time you are having with the rest of the family and wait and see .

Come to think of it, elsewhere on here, there's talk about young people today "following a script" if they go NC (no contact). Part of that script, as I understand it, is that NC means NC, period - block everything, no pictures, don't even go to visit a sick parent or PIL, etc. Iv never heard of it extending to skipping the funeral of a loved one who wasn't in the conflict, but maybe. It certainly would explain why no condolence card.

Anyhow, it must have taken a lot of strength and courage for you to issue those 2 apologies - spoken and written - when you were so hurt yourself. Unfortunately, if they weren't specific ("I'm sorry I did this/that..."), that may be why they came across to DIL as "insincere" (sigh). Same if you tried to justify your actions, as normal and understandable as that is. I'M sure you were sincere, and I'm very sorry that this didn't come through to ES and DIL.

Agnurse said, " I agree that you have the right not to be used as a bank. However, it may not be as simple as telling DIL to get a job. Even if she wasn't working for pay, she was caring for her child. Day care is expensive. It's quite possible that any potential earnings from her could be swallowed up in paying for day care - and the day care still might cost more than that."

I was thinking about this too. Or maybe they just believe that one parent should stay home with the child. I know that's not as common today as it once was, but I also know a few people who still see it that way. Also, was DIL breastfeeding at all? B/c, if so, that might have been another factor. They may have believed they were asking you to help them out financially so that they could do what they felt was best for their baby, etc. I just wish you and DH would have simply said you couldn't bankroll them anymore w/o saying that DIL should get a job. I know you can't change that now, but my point was just that maybe they felt they had good reason to ask for your support.

But regardless, if they asked for handouts and then kept you at arm's length and openly favored DIL's FOO (family of origin) that was thoughtless and hypocritical on their part, IMO, if not downright cruel. I'm NOT saying that money should "buy" time with GC, etc. Not at all. But distancing someone socially and then taking money from them, just doesn't go together. If they felt they needed to keep you away b/c of their issues with you, then they should have solved their financial problems some other way. But this is getting long, so I'll continue below...

Continuing from above...

I'm a little confused... I'm not sure if ES and DIL were keeping you away when they were getting financial help from you b/c you told us...

"I very briefly got to spend time with my grandchild, and didn’t get to enjoy it for the atmosphere was so tense from her hovering right over me all the time."

I'm not clear on whether this was on one occasion or a few/several short visits. But since "the atmosphere was so tense," they must have felt it, too. (Perhaps that's why they kept the visits shorter than you would like.) But whatever, I'm sorry that what should have been a joyous time was so unpleasant.

"Long story short the last time we heard from them, they made it clear that they did not want anything to do with us."

Again, I am so deeply sorry. Meanwhile, wishing the best to your other son and new DIL! And hoping your relationship with them works out much better than with ES and EDIL! Also hoping ES and EDIL reach out to you in time!

What a heartbreaking post sadandlost. No wonder you feel sad and lost.

I am in a kind of agreement with Maggiemaybe. You have a choice - either you continue to feel sad and lost, continue to apologise and walk on eggshells OR you accept things as they are - for the time being at least!

I am always saying 'leave the door open' but that is what I firmly believe. Let your son and wife know you will always be there for them but then....get on with your own life with whoever DOES want to be in it! After all, it isn't just you, your son has taken exception to is it? It is his brother as well so stop pondering and wondering what you could have done differently (unless you know there is something you could have done).

Remember, you only have one life also so enjoy it! Fill your days so you are too busy and exhausted to try to work out others strange behaviour. Your other son has an upcoming wedding - look forward to that and don't even mention missing son if he refuses to attend. Good luck

I certainly would never subsidise my adult children financial if I received no respect them.

I’d back off now. Enjoy the family you have.
Their choice.
Sad but nothing you can do about it.

I think the young couple were unprincipled keeping you and your husband at a distance but being happy to ask for your money.

They don’t need it (or you apparently) now grandma has left him some inheritance.

Draw a line in the sand. Yes, sad. But their decision.

I hope you feel less sad and more pragmatic about it all as time passes.
?

I'm sorry about the estrangement in your family, I agree with some of the advice from previous posters.
You have apologised for anything that has upset your Son and Dil and been ignored by your Son and verbally abused by your Dil.
I'm afraid that would be "it" for me! Let them get on with it.
As previously suggested I would concentrate on the rest of your family who love and respect you and let this situation lie.
Speaking only for myself, if one of my children ever treated me as yours has done, Hell would freeze over before they had another apology from me or any treading on egg shells to have a relationship with them.
By the way, change your Will to your Grandchild, in trust until 18 or 21 and totally cut them out of it. No way would I reward someone who treated me this way.
As mentioned before, lavish love and attention on the family who love you.

Sadandlost, welcome. Incomprehension is your main theme. I do understand that feeling of bewilderment . Even discovering that the estrangement was your own fault would be more comfortable .

One almost constant fact in our society is the power of pillow talk. The enamoured man is completely bewitched by the woman who shares his bed and who when she is insecure will sometimes act paranoid.

Moreover she is often supported by the conventional matrilocal behaviour expected by her own conventional family.

I bet your daughter in law's rudeness is her trying to rationalise her unfairness towards you. How is she ever going to honestly repay all you and her father in law have done for her? This would make most normal people feel guilty.

Maybe the best strategy is for you and your husband to write separately and assure your son (and his family )that there is a place open to them if and when he wants it.

But .. but .. This man's parents married in the manner they chose - He chose to elope - And it's very selfish on his parents part to not be joyful simply because he chose to marry differently than they did - Why do they feel the need to control how they married AND control how their son married? It's silly, selfish, self centered and greedy -

What's funny is that the son marries a bewitching, controlling woman and that's bad - Yet no mention of the fact that his dad did too?

sadandlost it is heartbreaking to lose a child and grandchildren from the family.
I miss my eldest son and and his children so much it physically hurts, but we have to carry for on for our own sake as well as the rest of the family.
Luckily i have other children and grandchildren if i didn't I don't know how i would cope.
I was wondering what to do when anything happened to his grandma( she is quite poorly at the moment) who he was very close too, but like like the rest of us he has not seen for months. Your post has made me decide i will not contact him. I hope your son comes round one day like i hope mine does but i am not holding my breath.