Did you read the rest of the OP rose or did you just stop at the bit about the wedding and decided 'aha, armed only with that I can twist the OP's words, ignore everything else she said and come up with a really snide little post cunningly disguised as my opinion'?
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Son has discarded his entire family. Confused, Shocked and Grieving.
(104 Posts)I’m new on this site and hoping to find some sort of comfort in airing out my dilemma. I'll start off with a short backstory before getting into the real problem, so as to provide a brief history as to how we probably got to where we are now.
I , like many other mothers, raised my son to be a caring, loving and respective human being. We did nothing but support him throughout everything that he wanted to do. Whilst in college, he dated a couple of girls off and on but they were never serious relationships. Then he met a young girl, whom he became very serious with and she ended up being my DIL. Thing is when my family and I were first introduced to her, he introduced her to us as his wife. Needless to say we were all in shock for we had never met her and obviously did not know that they had decided on their own to get eloped.
I tried not to show my disappointment but a couple of weeks later, invited him to lunch so that we could discuss this big but shocking decision. He told me that he was very much in love with her and they had decided to go ahead and silently get eloped. We asked him if he wanted us to hold a small celebration to their union and he made it clear that he needed for us to respect his decisions and his union as is. We said ok and let that topic rest. Then he started spending all holidays with her family and we barely ever got to see him at all. I mentioned this to him and he responded by telling me how his wife was right about me not liking her. This also came out as a surprise to me for I barely even knew this young girl enough to dislike her.
Two years later, they announced that she was pregnant. We were so happy for them both. This would also be the first grandchild for both families. She only wanted her mother in the hospital with her during delivery and I respected that. My son and her also made it clear that they would not be accepting any guests after the baby was born, and that everyone was to wait to be informed on when to visit. Three weeks after her delivery and we had still not received any invite to go over. I sent my son a message asking him if she was ok and checking to see If the baby was ok and there was no response.
My husband tried to also follow up with them during the three week period but all texts were ignored. We knew that they were okay for they always posted pictures on Facebook with her family and our grandchild. They however chose to ignore our messages. One evening after seeing all the baby pictures with the other grandparent and her family members, when we had not seen our grandbaby four weeks down the line, I admittedly got very upset and sent my DIL and son a group text expressing my hurt.
My son did not respond to the text but DIL did and spoke for the both of them. She made it clear that this moment was not about me, went on about how I had never liked her, expressed how I had disapproved of her elopement and according to her I’d always treated her like she was beneath me. I was in shock for we had some discussions with my son, (which I now regret doing) but they were never about putting her/them down or disapproving of their union. Apparently she always quizzed him out of information and managed to twist everything that I had said so now I was the villain. I very briefly got to spend time with my grandchild, and didn’t get to enjoy it for the atmosphere was so tense from her hovering right over me all the time.
Fast forward, we had a few arguments for she was not working to support the baby and my son only worked a minimal wage job. This was none of our business, but they kept on asking for financial support all the time, and for the longest time we did this solely for our grandchild needed it. When the disrespect and entitlement got too much on their end we stopped the money train and told her to get a job if they wanted to continue living the lifestyle that we were providing for them. We were instantly cut off. In fact we did not even know that we had been cut off until we called to check on them one weekend and there was no feedback. Husband checked again and we received a very rude text with a laundry list of all the things that they mentioned we had done wrong to hurt them. Some were true, others taken completely out of context, and the vast majority completely imaginary on DILs part. She demanded for an apology. For the sake of our grandchild we offered on, but this was not sufficient enough for her. She mentioned that we offered a blanket apology and she needed for us to have an apology for every perceived misdeed in her head. We tried to talk to our son and he was very upset at us for mistreating and disrespecting his wife. Long story short the last time we heard from them, they made it clear that they did not want anything to do with us. We tried to reach out to them but all our attempts were in vain. They constantly gave us the cold silent treatment. They then moved to a new address, and changed their email address and phone numbers. We were in complete and utter shock!
But the greater shock came when our sons grandmother passed on. We got our sons information through one of his siblings with the sole intent of informing him of the death in the family. He completely ignored us and continued to do so and eventually missed his own grandmothers funeral. I don’t understand how our son became so cold and ruthless. He never even sent a condolence card. He is now upset that his sibling gave us his information and sent him a very hurtful message telling him how he will no longer be a part of his wedding party. This is another shock to our family considering that the wedding is upcoming and this is his brother.
Does he hate us that much? Has DIL twisted his mind to where he no longer even wants to spend time with his own family or share once in a life time special moments? We are now blocked off of everything including facebook and cant even see pictures of our grandchild. This estrangement has been going on for close to a year now and I’m so hurt and lost. I feel so betrayed by my son. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. Are we bad parents? Where did I go wrong as a mother? I did not even know where to look for support but just needed a space to type it all out and hopefully get some relief. If I don’t respond its cause I'm hurting so badly right now. Hes dumped his own family like we mean absolutely nothing to him, we cant see both him and our grandchild no more, he didn't even come to/acknowledge the funeral, is backing our of his own brothers wedding, is giving us the silent treatment and cutting off anyone that speaks to him on our behalf all because his wife is so hurt and refuses to forgive and move forward? This just feels like a bad nightmare that will never end. I'm not even sure what I'm expecting from the group but just needed a space to get it all out.
SirChenjin, I stated the obvious -- both wanted what they desired and were driven to make efforts to acquire it - Their conduct was similar, their intent was to get -
I didn't stop at the initial response to the wedding - No ... I read all the rest - And the rest revealed a pattern that snowballed into one big mess -
The marriage didnt set anything off, that in itself was a joyful event - As was the birth of the baby - But that event also didn't provide what the OP desired -
The son is college educated - But it was his wife who was told to find employment -- but only after the finances didn't provide the OP with a desired outcome -
The death of a grandparent, too - Yet another life event the OP threaded through with opportunistic intent that not only impacted the funeral but the relationship of two brothers and yet another wedding - Dude, that's a triple hit!!!
A trifecta!!!
Do you want me to continue?
Support comes in many forms -- use what works, "discard" the rest, or save it for rainy days which in my book are always good for self reflection -
I am offering you my utmost sympathy sadandlost.
How utterly dreadful for you.
You have done nothing wrong.
You have listed a litany of things that have been awful starting with the wedding you knew nothing of.
Then to see pictures on face book of her parents and your son and dil with the baby and not even letting you know. I feel like weeping for you.
We don't know what goes on behind the scenes of our children's relationships and probably never will especially mother's of sons.
I'm afraid the saying 'a son's a son 'till he finds a wife' is true in many instances. Its convenient for the bloke to side with his wife. I'm sorry to say this makes his life a much easier ride.
I'm so, so sorry.
No, you are right in thinking you've done nothing wrong. You were right to stop the money giving. They were cruelly using you. Well done! Why should you donate excessive amounts of money when the right thing is for everyone to support themselves.
My heart goes out to you completely.
No! Its not fair the mothers of daughters get attention and the worst of this is the utter sexism of it when we are struggling endlessly for equality.
Even worse is the women themselves are colluding together to continue this disparity. Your DILS mother is part of this pitiful conspiricy and failed to consider you at all when baby was born - probably and sadly because she is desperate to stay in her daughter's good books...
It probably never even occurred to her that you were being left out.
Please message me if you like. I am happy to see your messages and to reply!
There's nothing like solidarity
UNBELIEVABLE THAT WE CAN DO THIS!
'It's silly, selfish, self centered and greedy...and (I paraphrase) the OPs DH has also married a bewitching and controlling woman' - is unnecessarily nasty, puts the blame firmly at the door of the OP and minimises the actions and somewhat extreme reactions of the adult son (who actually sounds as if he is in an incredibly unhealthy and controlling relationship) and the DIL. To link all that has occurred since back to the 'inappropriate' reaction she had to her son announcing he was married to someone she'd never met seems to me to suggest that the son and his wife have no part to play in what has happened subsequently.
Ultimately though, the son is not here to give his side of the story and we can only go by what the OP tells us - which sounds an incredibly sad situation for the whole family.
SirChenjin, we all have to shoulder our mistatkes, yes? If we leave them at our feet we only create a hazardous situation where we trip over them again and again, repeating a pattern - Yes?
The actions I listed in my previous post were self centered, selfish and greedy - Wishing they weren't wouldn't prove helpful - But change could - In time ..
No, the son isn't part of this discussion - But my guess is that he feels stuck in the middle, depressed to some degree, heartbroken - However, it could have been worse had he not distanced himself when he did - I hope his marriage survives these trials - And hope the OP's marriage does too -
Telling the OP that they didn't do anything wrong is cruel - Soliciting that level of denial will only produce increased misery for the OP - And I highly doubt that's the healthiest company to seek out -
I think this estrangement will provide all parties involved time to consider all that has taken place between them -
SadandLost - I am not clear on which part you feel the most sad about...
Yes I too think you need to back off and concentrate on other members of your family for now and maybe find some other interests to take your mind off this.
Just to mention my own experience...my son and dil stopped me seeing my 2 GC for about 6 months. I have never felt so sad before in my life. I had looked after the oldest GC a lot before the stopping contact and imagining him wondering where I was made me cry without end. It was the fact he had no say in his parents decision that affected me so badly.
In the end I sent a begging letter written from my state of rock bottom and knew it was utterly heartfelt with no desire for anything other than to see their dear faces again.
The parents relented and I have managed a civil relationship with them both since and collect the children from school and nursery 3 days a week and babysit sometimes - putting them to bed when the parents leave. I love my relationship with the GC and know we will grow apart as they get older. That's life.
I am happy with this and don't even think of playing happy families with the parents.
My youngest son frequently stops speaking to me but that's life too and really his behaviour towards me has sometimes been pretty bad including not inviting me to his wedding. Their you are - it happens to others.
As other posters have said sometimes you have to let it all go and see your children are not really that amazing...
But for me when it came to my GC - to not see them was the thin end of the wedge completely and I begged and still don't care! It was the parents problem for doing something so wrong to an innocent child.
I adjusted my behaviour and in particular make sure I keep my mouth shut!
So which part is upsetting you the most sadandlonely?
Yes - we all have to shoulder our mistakes, but the OP isn't the only one who has made them and the blame for the ongoing family fallout shouldn't be put fully at her door. There are other adults involved in this too who should reflect and look to move forward postively.
There is a vast middle ground between telling the OP they didn't do anything wrong and accusing them of being silly, selfish, self centered and greedy, bewitching and controlling. Fortunately for the OP there are many other posts on here where that ground has been covered without being 'cruel'.
So are you the lady whose other thread was deleted or not?
No, the OP clarified that on Thu 09-May-19 @ 14:49:55
tried not to show my disappointment
Obviously you didn't hide it enough.
invited him ( not them) to lunch to discuss this big and shocking decision
They got married, that's all. It's not big and it's certainly not shocking.
They are adults but you obviously still think of them as children.
Reading between the lines I'm not surprised at the way they have reacted to you.
Ok thanks for that I missed the post where it was clarified They were so similar
It’s a hard one this because although the daughter in law in your eyes has turned your son against you he’s a grown man and should be able to keep you both happy if you do ever get the opportunity I would make a friend of her not an enemy The more you all feel critical of her the more your son will defend her and turn from you
Just step back for now and hopefully time will heal
Sir, I didn't blame the OP for the collective conundrum - I didn't blame the OP for anything at all - I accurately described the "OPs response" to several life events in an effort to help the OP make sense of the impact of her "own" actions -- that in the future can be prevented with a bit of practice, by noticing she wants something but instead of trying to get it offers what the situation calls for or is needed -
The other adults aren't here to speak for themselves -
It's all middle ground! All useful - Why wouldn't it be? Or is it that your own preference supersedes anything else that anyone else could benefit from?
I believe that the OP can be at the heart of the healing of this family - Not overnight .. But in time ..
showergelfresh
Do you think she had the right to question her son's decision to marry?
Do you think she had the right to insist that DIL goes out to work?
Do you think she had the right to gain DS's address behind his back?
They have the right not to be used as a bank. They do not have the right to tell DS and DIL how to provide for their family.
If your answer to any of the above questions is "yes", I think you need to re-examine the role of parents once children become adults.
I feel very sorry for you sad as you ve really no idea as to what you have done wrong however I think that is the whole point apologising on your knees doesn’t mean you agree with what you are apologising for and that would be noted however much you think you have made amends
I think this all comes down to control and expectations and long held dreams I think you sound as if you have set so much of your expectations on the complete and all encompassing happy family with you at the centre, that you are in total shock that it’s not working out your way, not everyone is the same and that at least one son feels the need to expand and move out of this tight circle I would be very interested to know what was actually said about the elopement I bet it wasn’t ‘Well although I m sad not to see you married if that’s the way you wanted it a big hug from Mum and I hope you both have a fantastically happy life’
For whatever reason the daughter in law has now become the baddy in your eyes leading your son away from you twisting his mind was the expression you used Shes blamed for not working, but is your son? Its fully implied that she is behind ALL his decisions re funerals, weddings, money, no contact etc etc
Sad let go a little let them settle, time needs to heal this huge rift We only hear one side of the story we don’t know how and why this space was considered necessary by your son but it was, so respect it Keep the door open and whatever you do DO NOT enlarge the gulf between the brothers by drawing the other one in deeper to the family bosom You mention your marriage is beginning to suffer, why? Are you so hooked up with this that your husband is getting pushed to agree, pushed to compensate to make you better, or even pushed out and fed up with hearing about it
All this is speculation and may be far from the truth as no problem can be solved with only one sides story
Good luck anyway I hope it sorts out for you all
Yes Rose - my preferences are for constructive suggestions for how the OP (and her family) can move forward without resorting to disparaging comments and for encouraging the OP to reflect on how her actions might have been perceived - again, without resorting to personal insults. HTH 
All of the posts are worthy of SadandLost's consideration. What is the urgent priority is SadandLost's feelings which need the first aid treatment of how she can deal with feeling sad and lost. Lost! There are occasions in life when what is happening makes no sense. Her son has seemingly become a strange and different personality from the one she knows and loves.
It's true that her son's behaviour is new and incomprehensible to SadandLost. She tries to make sense of how he can have changed. Until SadandLost understands something of how this has happened she will continue to feel sad and lost. This is a horrible feeling as I know from experience.
I recommend Aggie's advice as realistic and indicating a reasonable way forward.
Error! I meant Agnurse's post which I copy here:
"I think you made a number of errors here and you really need to take a step back.
Your son is a grown man. He doesn't have to discuss his marital choices with you.
I agree that you have the right not to be used as a bank. However, it may not be as simple as telling DIL to get a job. Even if she wasn't working for pay, she was caring for her child. Day care is expensive. It's quite possible that any potential earnings from her could be swallowed up in paying for day care - and the day care still might cost more than that.
"How did you phrase your apology? "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" and "I'm sorry for whatever I did" are not apologies at all.
For now, I think you need to take a step back. Your son is establishing his own little family. That's his choice."
PS We have not been told , but maybe there is clash of religious or ethnic cultures . Maybe SadandLost is Jewish and presumes that as the son's mother she has a higher status than according to her daughter in law she has.
I was bemused by her use of 'eloped'. It reminds me of couples running away from families to get married. If the young people married without informing any parent or other extraneous relation I'd not call that eloping.
Many people dislike big fat weddings and I'd not blame your son for keeping the wedding small and private.
Showergelfresh, my heart goes out to you, too. Losing contact with your GC must have been especially painful after watching the older one so often! I'm glad that situation has been resolved.
"In the end I sent a begging letter written from my state of rock bottom and knew it was utterly heartfelt with no desire for anything other than to see their dear faces again.
The parents relented..."
Clearly, your sincerity must have come across. This is very fortunate, IMO. Begging is understandable but tricky. Iv heard of some AC and CIL brushing it off b/c they feel it just means their parent/PIL is trying harder to get what they want. But this just goes to show that not every couple reacts exactly the same way. Also, I imagine your letter included a heartfelt apology for past mistakes. If so, that may be what softened their own hearts. Either way, I'm glad you're involved with your GC again and are getting along with the parents.
"I adjusted my behaviour and in particular make sure I keep my mouth shut!"
Wise choices, IMO! I take it this means that some of the problem was well-meant but unsolicited advice or even arguing with their parenting decisions or something like that. As I recall, a lot of us disliked it, also, when our parents/PILs did that. But I only knew one woman who CO someone (her mother) because of it. Many young parents today seem to me to be much more resistant to it than we were. Regardless, good on you for figuring out what changes you need to make and making them!
"My youngest son frequently stops speaking to me but that's life too and really his behaviour towards me has sometimes been pretty bad including not inviting me to his wedding. Their you are - it happens to others."
I think it's so kind and brave of you to share this to make the OP feel less alone. And I'm so sorry you have these periodic rifts with YDS (younger dear son). Not being invited to his wedding must have been especially hurtful! Hugs!
Also, I know you're not looking for advice here. So please skip this if you don't want to hear any suggestions. But are there changes you could make to ease your relationship with YDS too? Is unsolicited advice at the root of this problem also? (Maybe not, I'm just wondering...). I'm just afraid the not-speaking, etc. may move on from periodic and temporary to permanent eventually. I'm hoping you can find a way to prevent that.
Wow! That was longer than I thought! Sorry!
Anyhow, back to SadandLost... I'm not sure why people keep talking as if she "doesn't know" what she did wrong or doesn't think she did anything wrong. She has clearly admitted that her questioning of ES' decision was a mistake and that some of ES' and DIL's accusations are true. She just said that she feels SOME of them are false or only in DIL's perception. I wish she had apologized specifically for the things she does feel were wrong instead of giving a general I'm-sorry-for-whatever-upset-you type of apology ("blanket apology"). But unless ES reaches out again, she won't be able to remedy that, unfortunately. Maybe they would still have been angry about the things she didn't apologize for, but it might have softened their hearts a little/been a start. If they ever open up communication in the future, Sad, I hope you give a more specific apology.
"Your DILS mother is part of this pitiful conspiricy and failed to consider you at all when baby was born."
Why stir up feelings against still another person in this scenario, showergel? And what could DIL's mother have done? Order her to include the OP? Argue with her and ES' decision? ES and DIL are adults, and her mom can't tell them what to do. Besides, IMO, it's not her place to get in the middle.... Just my thoughts...
"...probably and sadly because she is desperate to stay in her daughter's good books..."
Well, yes, if she gives unsolicited advice, she could get CO too. And maybe she's afraid of that. Why would she jeopardize her own contact with her DD and GC to try to help her SIL's mum? Especially since it probably wouldn't work, and would just end up with both of them CO?
Or perhaps she just believes she should mind her business. IMO, it's not the MGM's (maternal grandmother's) job to fix problems between the PGM and the parents.
A couple of you have mentioned that this is affecting the OP's marriage. I can't find where she said that. Can anyone show me?
Anyhow, Sad, I'm glad you've decided to step back for now. I think that's the best course to take. Just a couple of other thoughts...
"he,,, is cutting off anyone that speaks to him on our behalf..."
I'm so sorry about this, but glad you realize why he's COing them (some people are very bewildered by this). After all, with the best of intentions, these people are giving him the "dreaded" unsolicited advice and trying to get him and DIL to unmake a decision they already made. Besides, as I understand it, this is part of the script - don't get drawn into arguments with people who defend the ones you CO (I think they refer to these people as "flying monkeys" on MN and similar sites), just CO them, too. I know you have no control over whether anyone speaks up for you and DH (and now DS) or not. But if anyone tells you they're going to speak to ES, I hope you ask them not to.
"... he backing our of his own brothers wedding..."
This is sooo sad! I know it must hurt you as much as anything else. I hope that what PPs have said about why ES is mad at DS has eased the shock and bewilderment a little though. Personally, I can see both sides of this. I'm getting the impression that DS is a loving son who realized that it was painful for you not to even know where ES and GC were and maybe felt guilty that he had the information and you didn't. So he gave it to you. Then again, I can see where ES may have felt he trusted DS with this information and DS broke his trust. Besides, if he really doesn't want contact with you and others in your family, he may have decided it's better not to be at the wedding (just like the funeral). It's heartbreaking, but I think you and yours are going to have to accept that ES won't be at any family events for a long time. And I hope neither you, DH or DS let his absence spoil DS' wedding. I wish him and your new DIL all the best!
Oh, also, I have to amend what I said earlier about ES possibly being afraid that you would try to talk to him about the estrangement, etc. if he came to the funeral. I see you said you all offered to leave him alone. But he might not have believed it, unfortunately. Or he might have felt the tension would just be too great. Or maybe he just can't handle funerals. Iv known people who skipped them for that reason.
Personally, I think you all may be better off w/o him at family events for now, given the tensions. I'm just sorry it came to this.
Sadandlost, the other ladies have most of what I want to say covered, But I’m curious why you make a point to tell us that your son has cashed and inheritance check from his grandmother even though he didn’t attend the funeral. You make it sound as though you don’t believe he has the right to do that?
Maybe it’s paraphrasing, but it really felt with that sentence as though you feel that giving out money has strings attached that you must then spend time with your family.
I’m glad you stopped bankrolling him, but, help should never come with strings.
I don't know how one could offer a sincere apology while their focus consistently drifts away from their own behavior to judging the behavior of others and what others said or did -
For instance: "they stopped talking to us when the money train dried up, but still cashed in the inheritance check that his grandmother left for him despite not attending the funeral."
His grandmother loved him -- unconditionally- That's how he was able to cash the inheritance check that she left him - She didn't judge his ethics or use her money as a tool to acquire what she desired of him - That's the legacy and life lesson she bequeathed to her grandson: selflessness and unconditional love-
She made no provision stating that if he behaved a particular way that he would be dashed from the will - He loved her and she him -- enough to understand why he would have chosen not to attend the funeral -
kismet!
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