Trusting again

Has he ever explained why he had the need to have emotional relationships with other females? To say 'just emotional" either tells you nothing or everything. Afraid I would need a full account of Why! Move to Australia- don't you feel there will be another need for these mysterious type relationships. Have you asked how he would feel if you had these kind of relationships with men? For me, he wants his cake etc etc.

To begin, I’m 68 my Mum died 23 years ago and I still miss her, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about there. With regards to your husband, I truly empathise as I’ve been/am in a similar situation. I discovered my husband’s affair 18 years ago, at the time both of our adult children were living abroad, parents deceased and I was a wretch. It took more than a couple of years to work through and this was an extremely difficult period but I decided to make a go of the marriage because I feared being alone and like you my finances were inextricably linked to his. Roll forward 18 years, a house move to a different part of the country and for most of the time I’m pleased I made the choice I did. But, if I ever hear someone called by her name, or occasionally find notes that I wrote to myself during that time, like you I rubberband back to those awful days. I have come to believe that my husband’s unloving, snappy responses, should the subject ever arise is pure and simple guilt. Don’t blame yourself for your feelings, they are genuine and the hurt and loss of trust is/ was enormous. But, consider my opinion, his anger towards you is his guilty conscience. I’ve never had the ‘courage’ to say that to my own husband but maybe one day...... Good luck whichever decision you make. ?

Leopards don't change their spots just because they go to Australia. Sorry to be so blunt, but life on your own will be better than this torment. You will never be able to trust him. I agree with those who say leave him now (get down to the solicitor straight away, as it will be more difficult if he ups and offs to Oz). He is not worthy of your good years in your 50s and what would life in old age be like with him? I can't see him looking after you, and what would it be like to have to look after him? By the way, it's perfectly normal to miss your mum. Mine died 27 years ago and I still miss her.

Hi. Imagreatauntie, No it’s not silly to miss your Mum, I too miss my Mum, it makes me so sad.
I’m sorry your husband has been unfaithful, the same happened to me I was married for 38 years, and one day i’d had enough, I got the number of the women’s refuge, and walked out on him with just the clothes I stood up in, but in hine sight I should of packed my clothes and belongings.
I stayed with women’s refuge for 7 months they helped me get my finances sorted out and made sure I went to the bank to take my name off the joint account etc. They helped me get a flat by the sea side, and it’s the best thing I ever did, I’m now 61 have found love again and we live together in a beautiful bungalow.
Good luck, if you need any help or want to talk I’m here for you.
Love ? n ? hugs
Angeleyes58xx

Might be worth seeing what your husband’s attitude would be if you were to say you were thinking of not moving to Australia with him.

My advice, having been married to a man who, once he started cheating, didn't stop, is to put your own needs first. Think about what YOU want. I moved from the south to the north of England as my then husband promised never to betray me again after I'd discovered yet another affair; he said he needed 'a fresh start'. A year after moving, he was up to his old tricks - this time I divorced him. I agree completely with gt66's posts (indeed, why did he keep those emails?) You deserve better. Men who behave in this way are cowards. They always blame the wife when what they should be doing is taking a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror. Almost two years on from divorce, I'm a lot happier. No cheat to drag me down. I can please myself. Recently moved into my own home and am enjoying decorating it to my taste. As for the ex, he married the woman he left me for. Heaven help her.

Everyone is different of course, with a differing set of circumstances. We left South Africa and emigrated to Australia due to the worsening situation. The 5.5 years we spent in Oz were the unhappiest of our lives. Wont go into details. {PM me if you need further advice}. Awful time, and this was with pulling together under adverse circumstances.
What I am trying to say is, beware of the "grass is always greener" syndrome and think very carefully if this is what YOU want to do, never mind your OH who has been unfaithful to you.

oh gosh, what a decision you have to make, I have read all the comments here, and can so agree with most, if not all.
certainly get legal advice,,, and ...do you love him? do you trust him? even then,,, so many of us are not brave (?) enough to go it alone.... that is where I would start....

praying for you.
oh yes, my mum has been dead 50 years, and whilst I wouldn`t say I miss her, I do feel her near to me, and hear how she would advise me ... I appreciate her more now than ever.

First of all, if going to Australia, be prepared for it to take a minimum of 4 years to even begin to feel settled - it will be hard for you - the other side of the world from friends and family even with skype. I lived there for 5 1/2 years and didn't work - if I had my time again, I would certainly found a job of some sort so I could at least have made some friends rather than relying on my in laws and my husband to give me a life outside the home.
Now to your husband - the fact that he is trying to put you in the wrong gives me cause for concern as does his comment that "it was only emotional" I assume that he means that they didn't have sex. Wonder why he hadn't already deleted the messages ?
It sounds as if he is someone that likes to feel that first rush you get when you fancy someone and the added piquant of the secrecy. However, he is still with you so that must say something!
Whatever you do, don't spend any more time thinking that you can't make a life for yourself - it's not easy finding a job when you are over 50, but you are not alone - many employers appreciate the skills that you already have just by living your life. Start off with voluntary work ( wherever you go) at the very least, it will get you out and about and give you a bit of independence.
Lastly, not wrong at all to miss your mum. Why shouldn't you? Parents are a huge part of your life and the two people that know you inside out.

My first husband had affairs and even got one pregnant . He always put the other woman first before his daughter and me . It first started when I was 21 , my mum had just died , I had a three month old daughter and was having treatment for cancer . I needed to able to depend on him so much but all he cared about was he selfish self . When he had own up because one of them was pregnant , there was no sorry . The only thing he said at least i don't have to live a double life now . I had to leave him because if I had forgave him , he would of done it again . Just to prove things right he done the same thing to his second wife . To be blunt you can't trust your husband , you can keep sweeping things under the carpet or have it out with him once and for all . You probably won't like what you hear but at least you know were you stand . Good luck .

You sound so much like me, it is normal to still miss your parents and feel so alone. My husband seems just like yours and they just don’t understand that the pain of betrayal never really goes away. We learn to live with it, but sometimes that pain is triggered again and it almost feels like fresh new pain.
If you would like to chat I am available anytime.
Remember you are strong, only a strong woman lives with pain and doesn’t run away xxx

There's nothing "just" about "emotional". It relates to an affair which is infinitely more of a threat than something which was purely physical. You're already aware of multiple betrayals of trust, but how many more have there been that have been successfully hidden? In my painful, personal experience serial offenders can be prolific, and don't tend to stop. In fact it can get worse as they age, and their fragile egoes require more and more reassurance that "they've still got it".
Do you really want to uproot and move to Australia, away from your current support structure of family and friends? If it all goes pear-shaped again out there you could be very vulnerable. I would be looking for local advice as to whether I thought this relationship was worth it, and consider getting out fast. Don't worry about the financial aspects. You will end up with 50% of the estate and your ex would also have to settle a significant financial sum on you. You have also built in entitlement to a proportion of any pension he may have built up while you have been with him. Stay in this unsatisfactory, somewhat poisonous marriage and you may live to regret it. Be brave. You know in your heart what needs to happen...

It’s funny how so many men have the ability to twist and turns things around when THEY are in the wrong! It seems that their guilt can make them become angry or abusive towards us, even when WE are the injured party! I hope you manage to sort things out and move on. Be strong - and good luck for the future xx

Dear Iamgreatauntie, No - it isn't unusual to meet one's Mum at any age - I'm older that you and I think of mine almost every day. Yours is a guardian angel. She'll be a comfort to you whatever happens. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Why would you go to Australia with such a selfish pig. You wont starve in the gutter without him. Have a little faith in yourself and leave him.

If you chose to go. See a lawyer to know your position regarding if you stay or move to Australia. Don't sell up so you can come back at any time in the future. Keep paying into the UK voluntary pension.

PS So sorry - I really should check, shouldn't I? I should have written "miss one's Mum" and '"thank you" x

it's selfish of us I know but I think we would all like you to give him a thump and dump him. How dare he. I miss my mum too. Always. It is interesting when my mum was dying in her late nineties, a devoted widow, it was her mum she spoke of as she waited for death. She died very peacefully. I was quite shocked how little my dad came into it!

He’s annoyed that this has reared it’s ugly head again. He should be offering you unconditional support and love.
I personally would let him go alone.. and if he does decide to go alone then it will prove he’s no regard for you. It’s a long way to go time be unhappy.
He won’t change. Men like this don’t!
Think of the other women he may have had attachments to that you don’t know about.
Look after you now. I’d stay here.. you are young enough to start a new life here. Without him. He’ll be fine.. he’s sure to start another ‘ emotional” affair as soon as he starts his new job.

Don't go to Australia. He's betrayed you. And lied probably. As long as you keep 'trying again', he'll keep on doing it. Have more pride in yourself. You can and will be fine on your own. Women are the stronger sex. You don't need him dragging you down. You're a person in your own right, not part of him. Let him go & chase other women in Australia on his own. Men are easily flattered, it won't take him long.
No, you're not too old to miss your Mum, ever x

Your husband sound awful but regarding Australia - can't you see it as a great opportunity for yourself? New beginning and interests - great climate and beautiful large country (a lot of it!). Perhaps you could start new career there?
Good luck!

I do sympathise with your situation but please do not move to Australia. This man has betrayed you and seems to be very selfish. Moving to the other side of the world, when one is older, is not easy - I did so myself. At least, I was in a happy marriage but still struggled. A couple, whom I know, moved to Sydney. He is very controlling and she is naturally submissive and very naive. She was very emotionally close to her mother and he was determined to get her as far away as possible. He has had many affairs but I think his wife stays because she is very dependent on him. Please do not allow this to happen to you!

I think you have to consider the worst. I generally don't think people should spend too much time 'what iffing' but in this case it is such a big move that you have to think it through carefully.
What would you do if you got to Australia and he did it again? Could you come back if you wanted to? Is he going to a nice part of Australia where it might be possible to make a new life for yourself? It might be worth having a look at the law in Australia to see what the provision for you would be if you did separate. How is your health?
If you can afford to keep your return fare aside with a bit extra and ring fence it then I would go and try to treat it as an adventure. Build up your own social life as much as you can.
What would you have here if you stayed without him? It might help to write down pros and cons but then go with your feelings.

He's someone who can't be trusted.

He shuts you down.

He's emotionally abusive.

He doesn't respect women - or he wouldn't behave this way.

He doesn't sound worth wasting another minute of your beautiful soul on.

Look up the freedom programme to find out how someone who has respect will treat you.

Go with yr GUT feeling.tread carefully.not unusual to miss your Mum no.our Mums were SPECIAL.[