Trusting again

Sounds like a serial adulterer to me! Move on and be happy spending half of whatever you own on whatever you want. Career - always recruitment signs everywhere on the high streets. There is always a way out, don't spend anymore of your time being unhappy.

He has a very manipulative streak making you the villain. I agree with those who have said that an emotional relationship is much worse than ‘just’ a sexual one. I have been where you are now, without the move to the other side of the world, I divorced my husband and it was the best thing I could have done for both me and my daughter, who was twelve years old at the time. I would think very very hard about moving to Australia with him. Get some legal advice about how you would stand financially before making any decisions. Good luck.

If u need any help pm me I’m going through exactly the same right now and yes he getting angry when it comes up he looks very depressed. He knows marriage over I’m relieved no more wondering if he with her no more check up. I’ve had affair with a lovely man and I’m still see him my husband done me a favour as I was never happy with him and bored stuff. He looks scared now never thought I wd go I have half the house money to buy a small semi lots of friends who are divorced. Look at him see the cheat and liar in him take ur money out of joint acct and hide it. You will receive half house and pension do not worry about money u will be ok don’t look bk it’s a great feeling to be free. I have only been free a week after 39 years of marriage but I’m moving forward and I can too
Don’t be scared I’ve cried for my dad too it’s natural at bad times and I miss him every day and I said to my husband my dad would turn in his grave to see the coward u are now. Don’t stay with him it will eat away st u inside like it did me there are lovely decent men out there life too short x

I've heard it said that we will never get over any kind of betrayal until we feel our spouse understands how it hurt us. To give a silly explanation and then expect you to move on is incredibly ignorant. Then to get angry at you because you are still feeling the pain is beyond all understanding. I feel for you and am sorry you have had to go through this all alone.

PPS. If it's just 'an emotional thing', it's all in the head - a dream. And that's not real. Unlike a marriage that's stood the test of time, in spite of everything. It's not even a real affair -the sexual compulsion that drives people to turn a life upside down.

So, maybe - don't blow it up out of all proportion. Surprise him - put yourself first for a change now that your children are grown and gone. Look up all the hints on this site on how to make one's self look good. Become a little selfish. And enjoy Australia.

I’ve been in your position and was told “what you crying for”. Omg it hurts when all you want/ need is reassurance. I forgave twice, and the 3rd time that was it he was out. It’s been 2.5 years now and he still try’s to come back. However not once has he said sorry, not once would he sit down and discuss it and still to this day turns it around on me not getting over it.I most certainly wouldn’t go to Oz with him, he will be fitting in with new job socially where does that leave you. If you are going, you need to have a plan on getting home if it doesn’t work out for you. My daughter lives there and it can be a lonely place and it will be unfamiliar to you as well.Im guessing your not to confident in tackling him well he is relying on you being like that he’s pulled wool over your eyes twice how long are you going to let him rule your life. It was best thing I ever did I feel like new woman. Find that inner strength. Australia’s a long way away with a totally different lifestyle than the Uk are you really ready for that with a husband that is not supportive.Good luck

Imagreataunt, he wants and needs his housekeeper.
You will cook for him, clean for him, shop,do all the washing,iron the shirts he wears to flirt with other women....
Whilst he sniffs around the women at work,adding the exciting dimension of the flirting, the chase, the secrecy, knowing you’re at home making him a nice meal....
Cut free!! He doesn’t deserve you. Take your last years, your future, enjoy no pressure,no expectations,and just be yourself, what a pleasure awaits you.

At 53 you are well young enough to start a new life. You are entitled to a 50/50 split on everything. I am thinking that these are the two you found out about...there may have been more. Enjoy the rest if your life. If you go with him you will always be wondering if he is having another affair...emotional or otherwise.

How has your life been in recent years? Was everything fine until you read the emails and all the old emotions came flooding back? Not defending him at all, but is it possible that he thought you might have moved on after all time? Take a step back, think about what you want to do. What is best for you in the long term?

Have you got someone who’s judgement you trust with whom you can talk things through? Starting again in a new country is a challenge enough when you are pulling together, let alone when it would seem that neither of you are very happy. I really feel for your situation, think it through carefully, talk it through with someone if you can and make the decision that’s right for you, his behaviour means that you can quite legitimately put your wants and needs first x

Thats why Ive never ever hand on heart ever gone in any correspondence that was not mine
Im 53 going through a divorce and welcome it over 24 years of marriage
But i have my career and have my friends 2 children classed as adults and a younger one with additional needs.
He seems to be a high flier unless i missed something
You wont go hungry if you divorce
Living this way for how much longer
If an illness befell you would he give up his career to care for you thats the question i ask all my friends going through difficult marriges.
He has found it easy to dump on you
If you were in his shoes would it be allowed and acceptable.
The knowledge that there is no trust can be ignored
Yes its right that you miss your mum especially in times like this
Your very young is there anyway you could start a profession or something
To keep your mind occupied and active

All the best in whatever you do

I'm 72 and I still miss my Mum. I don't consider it pathetic. I know she loved me so it's nice to have that in your life and you miss it when it's gone even though I have a loving husband and adult children.

I think that the big question is do YOU want to go to Australia. I can't see one single reason why you would.

Imagreat auntie
To hold onto messages for so long would indicate there were strong feelings for the other person and still are although it had not reached one of a sexual nature, or so H led you to believe.! Can you let sleeping dogs lie /I fear not or else why not think of Australia as a new beginning .
You are young enough to start afresh and with out a man who clearly does not have the feelings for you that you have for him as why the need to keep these messages knowing how much they have hurt you.
Seek professional advice but I believe your happiness and a new life in a new country is not with the man you married.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to write. The messages were on my own email as I forwarded them at the time I found them.
Today he’s carrying on as normal, not mentioned it at all and this is why it’s never resolved in my opinion.

I’m with Rizlett .... and personally I would never ever trust this man ever again, he does not even acknowledge your right to be so upset, just tries to shut you down. I wonder how he would feel if you did it to him ?

How dare he treat you like this ! If it were me I certainly wouldn't be upping sticks and moving across the world for him. Having an affair is one thing not being sorry for hurting and betraying you is quite another -he also seems to be blaming you for his actions Stand up for yourself tell him you will no longer put up with the way he is treating you and go and see a lawyer Sending you a hug where you are at right now is a hard place to be x

What have you got to lose going to Australia ?
Do you have your own finances ?
Would you have the chance to go again ?
I just might take the chance what an adventure .

Imagreatauntie
I am so sorry you are suffering from this selfish unfeeling man. I agree with so many people here. You are from pathetic to miss your mum! It is absolutely normal, you poor lass!
I said how I agree with so many people here, so I would like to quote NemosMum -
“Leopards don't change their spots” and Tweedle24 -
“He has a very manipulative streak making you the villain”.
I think it is worth taking heed of what they have observed.

I think this is a bad man. Not a good person to look forward to old-age with. A selfish, blame-giving, arrogant man. My guess is, you are waking up to his cruel and selfish ways now. You have perhaps been so used to being with him that you have accepted as normal a lot of abuse. It might be worth googling what to look for in a healthy relationship or perhaps more importantly, what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship, e.g. www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-practice/201502/51-signs-unhealthy-relationship

Having done Counselling, I have known so many women around your age whose husbands become so complacent about their wife’s acceptance of their constant abuse and who absolutely believe she would never manage without him nor have the courage to leave him, that all they do is get more selfish, more bullying, more abusive in what they expect her to tolerate.
Only you can decide, GreatAuntie, Please put yourself first. Take your time. Do not be rushed, even by deadlines to go to Australia. Now may be the right time to ask for counselling, I would ask at my Doctor's but I do not know where you live and you may have an alternative option. But please try and find a good professional to talk to about everything: what you want, and most importantly your feelings, about your marriage, your loneliness, your future, everything!
Life is not lonely on your own, that is my experience. It is liberating, and wonderful! I speak to and enjoy many more conversations when I go out now than I ever did when I had a husband. I love being single. OK I could do with someone to carry the bins out.....
Please keep in touch with us.
With my love and prayers, Elle x

He has proven repeatedly that he is not to be trusted. If that is enough for you then I would say go with him. I personally don't think it's good enough to treat anyone the way he has behaved towards you. I imagine you would feel better if you stepped away from this toxic man who is unfaithful ( whether physical or not) and disrespects you. You will be surprised how free and relieved you will be perhaps not immediately but certainly in the very near future. I wish you the best of luck for your future ☺ I could be writing this letter to myself 25 years ago. ?

ayokunmi1. Just to say I wish you all the best luck for a very happy future! You are clearly a brave and intelligent lady! I hope your 2 AC appreciate you and your special needs Child does very well.
I like what you say about would your husband give up work to look after you if you became ill.
Just for interest: Mine stepped over me when I collapsed outside the bathroom. I had a dangerous allergic reaction to mussels (it was the first and only time I had them). My 8yr old at the time phoned the doctor.
Going back, when the same child was three weeks of age: (following a difficult birth when she was born apparently dead and the Midwife gave her up as dead,) she had screamed for hours at night then gone limp. In the morning, a Saturday, I said "We must take her to a Doctor!" He went downstairs and I prepared the baby as he got the car out. I heard the car engine, went with the baby as far as the back door and ... saw him drive the car away up the road! He had gone to a hockey match!
We only had the one car. I was 14 years younger than he and did not drive.

A life in Australia, according to those already there, been there, bought the t shirt, sounds delightful, ' were' this a 'one woman man' taking his wife to a new life.
Unfortunately he has not shown any intention of letting go the 'email woman' and appears angry with you for mentioning it.What have you got to lose says one ?Good question.
Should you decide to go along with H and move to Australia bear in mind a' third party' will be going with you so you have to ask yourself 'is this what I want'.
Seeking professional advice is the only way.

Its not about you 'learning to trust'. Its about HIM 'earning your trust'.

The way I see it is Australia is same sh1t different bucket with sun. Nothing will change. My sister in law lives there and has done for many years but if her grandkids weren't there I'm sure she would come back tomorrow. I agree with those that say you are a comfort blanket for him. I would go and get solicitors advice on your own position should you choose to stay I would also look into your position in Australia as you are too old I think to emigrate so it would be a temporary situation and you may be in a worse position on your return. You are actually in a position to have a nice life but I'm not sure your husband deserves you.

If you 'manage OK day to day but just cant talk any more' and your husband is having 'emotional affairs' I really dont think its a good idea to relocate to the other side of the world with this man. He will be OK, he has a new exciting job, no doubt including opportunities to meet new and exciting Aussie ladies, you on the other hand will be thousands of miles from friends and family and potentially pretty isolated. Sure people might be friendly but it takes a long while to build up real friendships, and in the meantime if your other half goes wandering you may end up very lonely. Could he go whilst you stay here for a few months to see how you get on without him? I have a friend whose husband got a job in Texas and she absolutely refused to go with him. For eight years they lived in different countries, but he did eventually retire, return and they are now living together again. She said she thoroughly enjoyed her time on her own at home, probably more than when he came back.