Mumsnet discussions about estrangement

Has anyone else wondered how often there are respective generations from the same family complaining bitterly about each other on MN and on here?

I guess no-one would recognise themselves as everyone on both sites claim to be completely blameless in the situation, compared to the other family member inevitably described as 'toxic.

I'm sure it must happen!

"I think NC to be a good solution for all concerned. An easy fading away"

Norah, if that's been your experience of NC, then you are unusual. I don't know anyone, nor have I seen people on the estrangement threads who have found no contact to be "an easy fading away". It's been painful, distressing, devastating and desperate for most people. Some of them/us reach an accommodation with their/our situation but an easy fading away - I don't think so.

I’m with you Iam64 - the person doing NC may be happy with fading away as it is their choice but how could anyone willingly give up a beloved child or grandchildren?

Silverlining48 I had to Google flying monkeys.. These terms are new to me.. and my head is spinning!! But it explains something that previously puzzled me. Thank you for highlighting this behaviour type. I too found MN full of advice on how to go no contact, but I have been challenged on this and although I was surprised I still thought, so be it.

To whoever said nc is an 'easy fading away' obviously feels nothing..it is actually like a death to those you estrange. It is hurt beyond words..

I actually said "Really, I dont want to be near anyone who doesnt want me, I think NC to be a good solution for all concerned. An easy fading away.

I stand by my words, I dont want to be with anyone who doesnt want me. I think it is called "to ghost" and it does sound to be an easy fading away (If you are not wanted).

This post did begin by delineating what some feel Mumsnet posters think of NC, some say ghosting, but its down to the same.

For whatever reason this thread reminded of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon-

I thought ghosting was more like there one day, gone the next- Where as a slow fade took more time-

Some people rip band aids off in one fell swoop while others peel them away very slowly- Perhaps all that matters is that the wound beneath has healed- I'm sure it's possible to cause injury during removal-

I never dreamed of threatening my parents with estrangement. The fact that so many young adults are contemplating this act is disturbing. I have seen quite a bit of estrangement encouragement on US forums similar to mums net.

Norah has someone actually said to you, "you're not wanted"? That's awful and so very painful.

My sister and I grew up thinking we were not wanted, by either parent but actually, it wasn't quite like that at all.
Neither of my parents had the first idea how to understand children. They expected adult reasoning and reactions even when we were small.
They were efficient parents who did their best (I didn't think so at the time) but they had no idea at all how to be physically affectionate or talk and play with us on our own level.
My elder son has inherited these traits.
I would advise anyone who feels they are not wanted, to think carefully if this is really the case or is it just that their parents got it wrong and didn't know how to do it right?
In her elder years my mother desperately wished she'd been able to show affection more and bitterly regretted the consequences of not knowing how to do so.

I never went NC, choosing instead to try and understand how my out-of-their-depth parents struggled, so was in a position to find out (in my late 40's) what was really going on in her heart, before she died.

What a reflection of our times, to say ghosting or no contact is an easy fading away. I can only assume that was said to provoke. Surely no one thinks that is acceptable behaviour.It says more about the poster. Not everyone can get on, but surely no child or parent should be just cast out. If after trying and talking with your family, you still find it beyond yourselves to be in the same room with them on your own, make arrangement that include other members of family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, there's room for all, be there for each other and stop thinking about your own feelings and petty grievances. Unless there is physical or emotional abuse surely there's no need to break away. I cannot imagine how much that must hurt. There is one lady on another forum, who has been cut off by her sisters in the same year her beloved daughter died. How can anyone deserve that. She's grieving already.

Bradford Lass, I think a lot of parent were like yours. They did love and care very much for their children, but we're not able to physically show it as that's how they were bought up. It was just the times. We are all more outspoken and openly demonstrative now. People hug when they meet, kiss good bye. I never finished every conversation with Love You, but it's common place now.

Peonyrose, surely you see that you passed judgement on what another described as ghosting or fading but readily accepted parenting methods that kept children at arms length because that's the way things were then- As if the methods used now don't count- Both keep children at bay-

IMO, Mumsnet is no different to Gransnet with the number of posters advocating to drop friends/family if they no longer serve a purpose.

Advocating dropping friends or family if they no longer serve a purpose!!!!
Selfish narcissistic behaviour personified!
No wonder gp’s get a bad press - if parents don’t get something out of the so called relationship, move on, walk away, after all why waste your time on someone who won’t give in to your needs,?
Your the only one who matters right?

It's not unusual to see threads where someone is advised to reduce or drop contact with a friend who clearly is not a real friend, by their behaviour.

Family are usually given more leeway than friends, but if a family member is creating arguments or ill-feeling, or expecting their wishes to always come first, it makes sense to avoid or cut contact with them.

I'm not saying the person who is cut out is always the one at fault, but they often can be.

No it doesn't farnorth, it makes sense to communicate and seek to resolve it.

It depends what they’ve done. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life - if they’re vile or cause endless trouble and trying to explain how you feel about their behaviour would result in WW3 then it makes perfect sense to cut the drama out of your life. Alternatively, if they simply don’t realise that they’re upsetting you and are generally decent, reasonable people then yes, it makes sense to seek a resolution.

Of course! I always assume the latter

That's a large part of the process, having what one intends to be a meaningful discussion and it resulting in WWIII- When it doesn't need to- Keeping calm isn't easy! And yet, if you do remain calm, the war is reduced by half-

I spoke with my sister about two issues on separate occasions this past year, both meaningful discussions- No freaking out, no meltdowns- But both resulted in distancing and partial "silent treatment"- Not by me, by her-

Sometimes there's no immediate resolution, sometimes all you can do is state your case and deal with the estrangement that may occur as a result of your efforts when the other party backs away-

I have seen on FBook philosophical posts regarding 'toxic ' people, and how one should get rid of them from your life.
On reflection, due to old age, I have stuck with difficult people, especially older relations and friends.
How many times have we heard the complaint, ' They are not listening to me. They can do ' such a thing and then pretend not to understand ', only to find out later a person is ill or in the early stages of dementia.
I am not always saying this is the case, but one should always think carefully before breaking contact.
I experienced a bad time with my Mum, who was hiding a cancer diagnosis from me. I decided to calm down, stick with her, and received her thanks and love at the end.
It may not work in all cases, but I can never have to say to myself, 'what if ....'

Jennist...it’s the thought of ‘what if ....... I’d tried a little harder,or opened my heart a little more’ that keeps me tied to keep on trying, hoping for the best. It creates a circle of regret though.

BradfordLass72
Norah has someone actually said to you, "you're not wanted"? That's awful and so very painful.

No it was my premise Id not want to be with those who didnt want me.

Our ES put a note through our door together with our GC's first Christmas present on Christmas Eve. The note said we were no longer a part of his and our GC's life and were to stay away.

It took us some time, 4 years actually to realise that we didn't want to be with those who don't want us; so we moved.

Bradfordlass

Maybe you have been able to accept that your parents loved you despite their lack of physical affection.

I think my dad loved me in his rather reserved way, and I loved him, on the other hand I’m pretty certain my mother never really loved me, and I don’t love her. I don’t think you can assume that all parents love their children, just have difficulty in showing it, some parents, possibly because of unresolved issues of their own, do not love their children.