Squalour

The wonderful Quentin Crisp never did any housework in his Chelsea apartment between 1940 and 1981.

After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse he said.

He continued this practice after 1981, right up to his death in November 1999, aged 90.

Leave him be one mans squalor is another happy home
What a character Quinton Crisp was I loved his take on housework
My aunt lived alone until she died in her 90 s her home was ok but she would eat food will mould on (got to say never did her any harm)
We can’t live others lives through our standards unless they ask us to help them

Radical idea: Why not leave him to live his own life as he wishes.

I once offered to clean the house for someone who in their own words “had let things get a bit out of hand”. It took me days and the result was amazing . The person concerned was overjoyed and swore blind they would “keep it like this” . Within a few weeks it was a case of back to square one only worse . I never offered again .

My forty six year old Son is similar,he has tools and such all over the place,never makes his bed in the mornings, has a huge pile of dishes in the sink, he takes clean ones directly from the dishwasher, when its empty he loads it again about every three days.When I visit I try to tidy a bit, but its for my sake not his. I dont think he realises how untidy it is, he lives in a three room apartment.When his teenage Sons visit they tidy around,but after a few days it is exactly the same.

It is his choice - so you must respect this.

My Dad (now gone) lived at least 40 miles away from myself and my siblings (in various directions). After my Mum died he just let the place go. He lived with his pets rather than they living with him.
My eldest sister and I regularly give it a clean when visiting but could not keep on top of it as it would be as bad again shortly after but he was OK with it and hated us trying to clean it up. In the end we just decided to let him be.
When he died it was so bad trying to clear it out and as well as being sad about him going I felt sad that he had come to this. I feel guilty but it was his life and that seemed to be how he wanted to live it.

At 70 and still working perhaps he doesn’t have the energy or the inclination to clean up. My in laws were like this though they never were clean freaks like me it seems they were happy in their own world with piles of paper and correspondence on coffee tables within reach. Who are we to say who is right or wrong. He is socialising and working which gives him an income and company then he has a hobby in his tinkering with projects. Are we going to say on our death bed, oh I wish I had cleaned the house more! No we will think hopefully that our lives were filled with company love and a passion for life and living and hopefully no regrets. I think so long as the bathroom and kitchen are clean who gives a hoot. Unless of course there are problems with dementia or Alzheimer’s which is impacting on an otherwise tidy or orderly person. Watch from afar and keep an eye out for him is the best thing. Offer help if he asks but don’t be too quick to judge someone based on how tidy their house is or isn’t. I used to be so house proud polishing and vacuum everyday and everything was pristine top to bottom, then I got a life!

MawB
Agree with you on that.
My late DH was the opposite and I was more than happy to let him 'take over 'as on many occasions it was a relief for me to come home, having worked late,to find everything in its rightful place which wasn't how I left it.

Speaking personally, I know that when I have felt a bit overwhelmed by work, life, etc, that I have had untidy spells. One friend came round, during one of my ‘low’ times, and was so horrified, he took two huge boxes of washing up home to do. I was shocked, and got my house in order shortly afterwards!

I don’t have anything to add about your friend except to say that my father (92) has become quite an untidy hoarder since my mother died. I don’t know how long some food has been in the fridge! We all do what we can, but he doesn’t really want us interfering.

However, amazingly he wants me to help him choose a new kitchen. I think we’ll have fun planning it, but doubt it will happen.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that some people value practical help from the right person at the right time and others don’t. Not sure how one decides when is the right time however!

I have a very close relative whose home is squalid! It depresses me every time I visit. I’ve mentioned it to no avail. I’ve decided to never stay again and I don’t travel in her car. Her car is definitely a health hazard. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

It's his house and his life, if it doesn't bother him leave him alone. Unless you have clear evidence about health implications for him or his neighbours then it's neither your role nor your responsibility to take it further. Let him know that you are happy to help if he requests assistance and leave it at that.

“wading through heaps of paper, boxes, tools etc to cross every room; preparing food on filthy worktops; living with peeling wallpaper, holed carpets and curtains, broken furnishings, door handles hanging off; a musty smell; mice; an overgrown garden; vegetation growing in his front porch.”
Sounds like more than “a bit of a muddle”.
I think it’s always worth asking if someone needs assistance. Especially when someone may not be aware of the level of neglect.. Turning a blind eye without giving it any thought or having a conversation is the easy way out. I think the OP is doing things in exactly the right way - having a think and talk, then raising the issue gently with the person. Sometimes, the fact that someone has raised the issue makes the person realise things have got out of hand. Otherwise, as long as their health or safety isn’t being compromised, it can be left for the time being?

I had an elderly neighbour exactly like this. He was getting ripped off by travellers. So I stepped in to help. He is in his 80's and an academic. Once he trusted me enough he let me into his house. He had not eaten a hot meal in years as unable to get to his microwave. Gas fire had been disconnected by British Gas due to fire hazard. Kitchen was full of saved yoghurt pots etc, and you had to climb over things to get about. It put programmes you see on tv in the shade. I tried to help him in anyway I could. In the end he became so vunerable I had to get social services, gp and police were involved. It was an uphill struggle and without going into too much detail is now living in a care home where he is warm and cared for. He has a hot meal inside him. Unfortunately, he doesn't recognise me any more. Just keep an eye on him and you will know when the time is right to force the issue for help. Good luck.

He must have a wonderful immune system!

Seriously, it is his house and I'd leave well alone.

when my Mum lived in sheltered housing a man moved in next door to her. He was an extremely well educated man, his appearance was immaculate. He even owned a Stradivarius violin. He went around on a moped which he kept in the bedroom.

One day just after Christmas he was found in bed quite poorly. he was taken to hospital but sadly died at New Year.

Apparently, he had no relatives.. When they came to clear out the bungalow they had to employ industrial cleaners, the poor man who cleaned the bathroom was off work ill for three days!

My Mum who thrived on cleanliness was very concerned that she may end up with vermin due to the state of the place and how he lived.

Perhaps one or two of the more obvious problems could be mentioned, e.g. mice, vegetation in porch, dilapidation.
Ask if he has noticed and see what he thinks about those things.
It may result in a conversation where he is happy for suggestions of help, or it may not.

Sounds just like a man-friend of mine who I used to fancy till I saw his house. End of!

Guest Correctly, he sounds like my Sister, she was married and brought up 5 children in a 3 bedroomed council house. Her husband died 10 years ago and the children are all married with their own families. Her home is dreadful. Her grandchildren are not allowed to visit because of the mess but she has never asked her children why, she is in her own world. She is retired and lives on her own so has no excuse about not having any time. What annoys me most is that she is being selfish by taking up a 3 bedroomed house when she could give it up to another family waiting on the council list for a home and her to have a flat but she won't. Her family and myself have tried to help in the past but she is just in denial about it all.

I have a nephew like this,only in his mid 40s,quite fine in other ways,but oblivious to housework.must be a man thing! (for some of them) ive four sons,(only 2 still at home) 1 who could clean for england,2 who dont seem to notice untidiness or dirt,1 whose room is ok,but wont help at home unless i ask him to do specific jobs like empty the bins etc.Unfortunatly for me the 1 who cleans is not one of them still at home

If hes happy as he is,all you can do is leave him be i guess,you dont want to cause a rift between you.& imagine how you would feel if someone came to you trying to tell you how to live?

He could be suffering from depression and be disinterested/overwhelmed by the house, especially while he can escape to work - which gives him the perfect excuse to neglect his home.
On a much smaller scale, I neglected ironing and small decorating etc jobs while I was working and tied up with a voluntary organisation - now I have given up I am having to face it all!

Some people are just happy living in a mess our daughter and son in law are. No matter how many times we have gone there and blitzed it days later it’s a mess again, so we gave up trying. I warned them that if social services went there they might not be happy that the children live among it. Our daughter said “our home our mess.

Sounds like he is a hoarder. This is now recognised as a form of OCD. I dont know what to suggest as hoarders dont see the mess.

Having said that,i would maybe mention that he should deal with the mouse issue.