Squalour

I fear that , if anything happened to me , that's exactly what would become of our house. Hubby is wonderful, intelligent ( retired doctor) and a great husband, dad and grandad.. . But he hoards and is messy and just doesnt " see " things .
Is it a man thing? I know plenty of men who are tidy and particular !

I would politely express concern about the repairs needed to the house and ask if he would like some help.

Depending on the way he answers you will either be taken up on the offer, or snubbed.

In the first case, you can suggest that before starting repairs it might be a good idea with a general tidying up inside the house. If he pooh-poohs the whole idea, there is nothing you can do.

Obviously, offering to help is only of any use if you have the time to help him. Sounds like it will take at least a week, especially if you intend to ask if he really needs to keep all the bits and pieces lying around.

I don't think you mentioned whether his house has always been untidy and dirty or not. If it has, he probably doesn't want help, but it will do no harm to ask.

Thank you everyone for the further replies since I last commented. I perhaps ought to have made clear that by squalor I did mean more than general mess and hoarding and also that although he has been neither house proud nor tidy in the past what we witnessed was at a level beyond this.
Your responses have been insightful and helpful. Whilst we suspect there may be deeper issues at play, for the time being the combined wisdom, in line with our initial instincts, seems to be not to interfere ( there’s very little we can do personally to help anyway that wouldn’t be just scratching the surface).
We are genuinely concerned and do intend to keep a closer eye on him.
Oh and yes, just to clarify, he has laid mouse traps.

It’s entirely up to him how he wants to live. It might be squalor to you but it’s his home to him.

We have this issue with our father
He used to be a smart and clean man in his appearance, being ex military
But his appearance has declined over the years, he is 84 and takes no care in his appearance and his flat is terrible.
My sister and I used to go and give it a good clean and declutter every now and then, but to no avail, it would end up back to squalor
He looks after his own meals,loves his own company and is happy in himself, so we let him alone now and he knows we are here if we need him
He has now started to pay one of our brothers to clean for him. So we know it isn't as bad as it was, even though he only does the surface

Sorry I mean if he needs us.

It can be a mental health issue. When it gets so bad it overwhelms them and they simply don't know how to start, this then blinkers them to what is around them and they feel they have to keep everything. This feeling of being overwhelmed worsens with age. Men do see dirt, my husband is the opposite, he loves cleaning, I think he is the exception rather than the rule! I am not sure how you approach this but wish you luck.

Amongst a particular group of female friends one lives in great clutter, dust and grime. We have helped her,gently, to reduce the "stuff" she kept & she began to set herself targets. She no longer keeps every piece of paper & has shredded years of bills/ statements etc. but there is a lot still to reduce! It began as a result of the end of a relationship & cancelled wedding. To the outside world she is always clean , tidy and very organised. We all love her just as she is but she would like to have more space in her home!

A very close friend has a situation like this with his father. The house is so bad now that there is no point in trying to do anything about it. Over the years lots of people have helped to clear and clean it but it very soon goes back to being squalid. He is a highly intelligent man with a very successful career but he has no interest in his surroundings. His personal hygiene is excellent and he’s always well presented. It is actually a form of mental illness and we are very aware of that. He won’t change now and seeing as he lives alone we pretty much leave him to it now. I feel very sorry for his neighbours!!

Relatives had similar with an elderly aunt. She kept herself clean and perfectly presentable but the house was pretty filthy - e.g. the loo had to be cleaned before they could bring themselves to use it - and they weren't over fussy types. As for the cooker....

They lived a long drive away and eventually said they'd stay in a B&B close by 'to save her any trouble'. The aunt's eyesight was bad and they suspected that she just didn't see the dirt. They did suggest a cleaner to help her, but although she was a lovely old lady and not at all 'difficult', she just didn't want anyone coming in.

TBH the dirt didn't seem to be affecting her health at all - she was evidently used to 'home germs' - and since she was quite happy, they didn't push it. In the end she died of something quite unrelated to hygiene, or lack of it.

I think many men, certainly my husband, would end up living like this if we weren’t around to take care of it all. May sound sexist but that’s the reality..

My friend whose house was squalid was such a delight to visit though.

She would always give you tea out of the thermal pot which she kept on the floor beside her chair.
She'd use a cup from the pile on the floor next to the teapot.

Then when you'd finished your tea, the dregs would go back into the teapot and your cup put back on the tray.

My daughter has two children and I cannot go inside her house because she is embarrassed . I was there a year ago and the kids “ slime “ was on her carpet and she told me it still is there because she doesn’t know how to get it unstuck. Her car is filled with trash on the floor and when the grandkids get in their feet sink into the trash where it’s so deep you can’t see their shoes. Her house is the same way. Social services was called by her ex husband but as long as the children have food and a bed they gave her an okay. It’s so frustrating for me and it’s not teaching the grandchildren respect for their home and their toys. This has been going on since she married. And yes she has depression and OCD issues but the meds are controlling it. The thing is I wonder if the meds make her lack motivation. I just think it’s more my issue than hers.

if he's clean and presentable .i would leave alone. if its piling up with papers etc rotten food ,then you need to talk to a health visitor or speak to him yourself...i think he would prefer a nice kind neighbour ...

My stepson still lives at home except from Friday to Sunday evening, (at his fiancée’s in a town 200 miles away) I do NOT go into his room at all it’s absolutely gross!!! His bed has only been changed once since Christmas, he occasionally puts some clothes into the washing machine and I hang them to dry, I refuse to iron them, at 73, I shouldn’t have to iron a 43 year old clothes, never did it for any of my own from them leaving school. Just after Christmas I took some clothes up to his room and there were cobwebs going from the wall to his rather large bedside cabinet! 4 years ago his fiancée was coming over and my younger son helped me to clean his room, it took us 2 days! He has really dirty habits too, NEVER gets a shower, sometimes, while playing his video games he even uses a bottle to pee in! Hence the reason I told my husband I’ll never clean his room again! He didn’t believe me until I brought a bottle of ‘water’ down for him to see! The amazing thing is he’s an MD at a plant hire company, always smells nice until you get too close, he goes through bottles and bottles of mens ‘perfume’. I can only think he gets a shower at his girlfriends house, hopefully, who’s a lovely woman. Nobody dare say anything to him because he just says keep out of his room and gets nasty!
BTW his room is on the top floor and has a bathroom up there which I do clean otherwise it would get into a terrible state and who wants to clean a filthy bathroom ugh ?

Why did you & your son clean his room for his fiancée coming?

Why are you allowing this in your house Rene72 If he wants to live like that then its time to move on.

I think we all have a certain duty to keep up standards for the sake of our neighbours, if you are harbouring mice and cockroaches etc that's going to affect other people isn't it, also if there are fire hazards

the stepson should be told to sling his hook if he can't maintain the standards expected by the rest of the household in my opinion