Confront sister about greed or let it rest

If there is a particular item, then ask - esp since she has acknowledged. “As you have almost all of mums jewellery could you please give me the gold watch/ ruby ring -whatever as I’d really like to have it and you have so much”. You might succeed in that.
I think you need to be direct and really specific.
I think asking generally for a fair share will just cause an argument and as most have said, let it go, unless you are really really struggling financially and it really would make the world of difference but you don’t seem to be in that position.

When our parents died within 3 months of each other we 3 elder sisters agreed that our youngest sister ( there where 4 of us) our younger sister was unmarried and lived with our parents.The family home was willed to be split between the 4 of us in equal values when sold but we 3 elder sisters decided to pass it over to youngest sister as she no other means of getting onto the housing ladder and buying a house even with a share of the house sale so we made the deeds over to her.
She was not in the house 12 months before she put it up for sale and made a massive profit and refused to give anyone a share,we where all lucky enough to be financially secure but a token amount would have been nice.
This sister moved away abroad and we have very little contact with her now,its a shame as we are all getting older and should have the contact with all our siblings at this time of our lives.

Mebster - you say your sister now wants to be close but you find resentment getting in the way. Fast-forward in your life and decide what you want in ten years' time - do you want a relationship with your sister or not, do you want to feel that resentment for ever and let it eat away at you? As a bereavement counsellor I have heard your story many times and seen how it can end. Several people have advised you not to confront her but there's no way you will ever put this feeling of injustice to rest if you don't. Put your perception of her as a money grabber out of your mind and stick with her open acknowledgement that she has always received more than you - make that the starting point of your conversation and refer directly to your belief that if your mum had not suffered with dementia and not known what was going on around her, maybe the wonderful gold necklace would have ended up with you - that will set her thinking. Then I think the advice you have been given about being specific and saying that as the person who has always received less you feel you have some entitlement to try to redress that balance so that you can go forward in a close and trusting relationship. This is where you can identify certain items that you would like to be offered before they go out of the family as you put it. And you can make it plain that you believe you have a rightful claim to them and are not a potential buyer. If your sister doesn't respond to this then you can't ever find yourself in a trusting and close relationship with her. You have to confront these feelings.

There were questions over the disposal of our parents possessions which was handled by my older sister and husband, but we let it go rather than fall out which would have upset mum more. Part of the trouble is that it has to be dealt with straight away but we were still too shocked and grieving to think clearly.

We’re going through this at the moment and it’s more difficult because step siblings are involved. We were determined not to have any issues and just rise above things but a misunderstanding over cutlery has caused a lot of trouble and left me feeling the bad one! I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s unavoidable in these circumstances, sadly.

My sister cheated me out of my share of my mother’s money. After my father died my sister decided to move my mother nearer to her. As Mums property would not cover the cost of the new one, my sister said she and her husband would pay the difference but they put the whole property in their name. My mother was very upset said she didn’t know what she was signing. My sister was wealthy but ruled and abused by her husband. My husband and I had always been poor but happy. My sister said she would make it up to me in her will but when she died her husband got everything. However money doesn’t mean happiness.

I agree totally with GoldenAge Sun 01-Sep-19 12:36:39

I agree with gonegirl, keep it light, pleasant but certainly be honest with her, tell her how hurt you feel. Avoid accusing her. Say how sad it is that your mum's actions could have caused a dreadful rift. That way she will know how you feel and hopefully address the inequality. Whatever the outcome you will have said something and you will feel better for that. My own mother gave away so many items that meant a lot to me, it was deliberate, if she didnt get her own way off would go jewellery, ornaments etc to my brother's family & others, then she'd delight in telling me. I'd to hide my hurt. It upset my dad but as her dementia became apparent this side of her dominated. Now I see many of these things from my childhood at my brother's house, some have been sold off. I have mentioned how much one item meant to me but it was water off a ducks back. I decided not to let mum ruin our relationship from the grave and put it aside as something I cannot change. It has helped to read how many others are in the same boat though, makes it more bearable.

You say that you think sister wants a closer friendship with you but obviously this isn’t going to be possible while you feel like this. Please be honest with her & say how you feel about everything, don’t just ask for a token item as this will still throw up issues because you’ll know you have just settled & the balance is still in her favor.

Things will go one of two ways so you may as well be as open & honest as you can & get everything completely out in the open, Personally I would write down how I feel before the conversation so I could go over it till I knew I’d got it right in my own head exactly what’s important & what I want to say, as often we say things that aren’t important ‘beating around the bush’ as they say, just to get to the bits that are.

The onus seems to be on you when actually I think it should be on your sister,
1) to do the right thing, for as you have said she’s already acknowledged that she’s had the lions share & she must know this isn’t right!
2) she wants a closer relationship with you so she should be putting things right to help make that happen & proving to you that you matter to her.
Talk to her, if it goes south then you’ll know that she only wanted the friendship because it benefits her & not because she values you & your feelings.
We can’t always have our cake & eat it which it seems is what she’s trying to do, be my friend but let me still get away with this wrong that I’ve done!
If she puts the balance right then you’ll know that she really does love you & you’ll feel so much better about not only getting some of the items but that you have a genuine equal honest friendship/ love of each other.
If it goes wrong then you’ll know that she doesn’t feel the same for you as you seem to feel for her & nobody wants that in any relationship so don’t waste your energy on it.
I do wish you the best & hope that your sister steps up & proves herself.

My fairly wealthy sister used to put on a sob story to my mum to get money off her. She made up many stories about how hard up she and her dh were. Amongst other things, she once told her that her dh was only earning £100 a week and she didn’t know what they were going to do, so mum handed over money to help out.... think my sister only had 5 holidays abroad that year!! Mum did tell me about my poor sister’s dh, but not that she had handed over money, which I only found out about after mum’s death. When I pointed out the story about my bil’s job was utter rubbish and he had spent more than that in the local club the previous weekend, she tried to give me money, as I and my family did virtually everything for her, including personal care. After mum died she had to have first pick of things as she was the eldest, but was only interested in things of monetary value, not sentimental value.

At the end of the day it is only 'stuff'. Maybe your mother felt intimidated by your sister. Your mother would be upset to think your sister had the power to make you unhappy. take back your power by seeing it as only 'stuff'. Liberate yourself to leave feelings of unfairness and bitterness behind and enjoy the rest of your life.

I agree with sodapop -you think you have been unfairly and wrongly treated. Will you ever come to terms with what she ''got'' if you do not confront her?

If a will has gone to probate it's very easy to get a copy online very cheaply,

I was angry for quite some time about a very large sum of money that was stolen from my Grandmother, just before she died, by one of my Aunts who lived with her.

When the Aunt died last year there was no mention of the money she took and as there was no way I could prove it, I said nothing as I didn't want to create a family rift.

I've let it go now (it was never mine anyway) but my Mum and the other sisters should have had their share of it.

I am not usually sentimental about 'possessions' at all but I will be upset if my Mother doesn't eventually pass my sisters watch to me. My sister died at 36 and as the watch is the only decent thing she had, I don't want it to be just sold.

I have quite a bit of valuable jewellery which I will either 'pass on' to my family or sell and enjoy sharing/ spending the proceeds.

You can 'confront' your sister but you likely won't come out feeling any better. Why? Because (from what you've told us) it won't change the outcome and could instead result in a row that will make things even worse.

You need to decide if these golden things will be worth more to you than the fallout of losing your family. Best advice I've heard here today, is for you to let go of your resentment, learn to forgive and move on.

Mossfarr have you mentioned the watch to your mum?
It would be a shame if she would be happy for you to have it, but just didn't think to do anything about it.

When there are things of great sentimental value it’s always better to name these items in a will .Its no use thinking someone else will do it . Your mum should have made out a will long before dementia took hold. I would ad Isle anyone to do the sane if there are things you love .Its knowing best who will care for these things and keep them in the family fir future generations .

Sorry that was I would advise

I am with you on this willa45, but these family "issues"are never as simple as they seem, and often have their roots way back in childhood. The OP obviously wants some support and validation of her feelings, but it's hard to rationalise because we tend to make decisions based on heart rather than head.

I agree Lazigirl also we don't know the sister's side. There could be more to this.

I already gave nieces taking pieces they want from my mother, and she's still alive.

I have no need of anything from my mother, money or posessions, I am happy and have enough of my own so not bothered.

Step back, it's not worth screwing yourself up over.

Have nieces

Agree with Gonegirl - keep it amicable. - I was accused of having taken my grandmother's wedding ring etc after my Auntie died - they were given to me when I was 8(60 years ago) These relations were just greedy and my auntie had led them to believe she had 'money' Ask if you can have something - then just breathe and get on with it. Luckily the local paper printed that I was married with my grandmother's wedding ring! Plus though I did lots of work after she died intestate I did not receive a penny but they received thousands! Hey ho.

Similar problem with my sister, wouldn’t p* on her if she was on fire ?

It's at times like this when I'm glad I don't have any relatives.