DD (only child) going to live in California

My older daughter is 40 minutes away. She contacts me if she needs her 4 year old picked up from school. I was doing that weekly , more often at first from nursery, but she never chats online and only replies to email or text or phone to arrange my help. Or a lift. Or if granddaughter, previously grandson, now 13, was off sick and she needed me so she could go to work. If yours is likely to chat online you might get more contact than I do!

My other daughter is a difficult hour and half drive away, 3 year old is in nursery all week and she works. I find the drive difficult. She does email and send photos and i see them every 3 or 4 weeks. But we certainly don't chat daily. If yours is closer you will be in more contact than many parents.

Cotswold, I’m not certain but I think one is allowed 90 days a year just visiting the USA.
You could have two trips of 45 days each!

They could be back inside 5 years,wait and see how they settle....
I have one son living in Virginia,married an American,and 4 children now,so no chance he will ever return, another son worked in LA for 18 months but it didn’t ‘grab him’ and he came back, so you never know.

Be very very careful about moving there permanently. Get health insurance quotes , it is astronomically expensive, and as an OAP, could easily be well over a thousand pounds a month! Seriously!
FaceTime ( better than Skype) is free, and the next best thing. My son FaceTimes me, we prop our iPads up in kitchen and just carry on getting dinner,washing floor whatever! The kids run in and out, stop to chat, then run off again, I see them playing,everything. We can be on 2/3 hours. I ‘ go’ in the car with them to swimming lessons to watch, and baseball!

Take it month by month, funny how life pans out, unexpected twists and turns.
When babies come along,she (and partner) may crave grandmas and grandads around and tradition, and hotfoot back to Britain!
“There are two things we give our children, one is roots, the other is wings” ( hopefully so they fly back!! ?)

My daughter has been in California for over 30 years and until my husband was ill we went every year to visit. We have had some wonderful holidays, always going off in the middle of our visit to have a short holiday north, south, east of San Francisco, which we would not have had otherwise, so you have to try to be positive. When she first went I was quite upset, but told myself that if you bring children up to be independent you can't complain when they are. It's important to develop a life of you own at home. We Skype
and email frequently, and she now comes home at Christmas. All I can advise is to adjust yourself to the situation and hope it will get better over the years.

Another mother (and father) who’s only daughter lives the other side of the world in Melbourne. Our only son was also living there for 2 years but is now back home albeit 200 miles from us. Like you I suffered from depression when she left and thought I was going out of my mind. That was in 2010 and although her life has had its up and downs with a divorce and her living alone for 4 years, she always preferred to be living over there. She has now remarried and had her first baby last year at 39. She messages me most days and is always sending photographs and videos of our granddaughter. We speak at least once a week. We went over for our grandaughter’s birth and also for her first birthday and they have been over here with her last year and will be coming for Christmas. In fact we have more communication than with our son. It is a long flight for us...20 hour’s in total but we see it as a means to a wonderful end.
Everyone’s situation is different but all I can say is things are no way as bad as I expected. When we see each other we make such an effort and have lovely times together and do so much. I know it’s not the same as having your daughter on your doorstep but some families hardly see one another and they live in the same town.
Give her your blessing, visit her often and you’ll have wonderful times together.

You have done such a fantastic job bringing up your daughter and must be so proud of her too, and of yourself .my heart goes out to you, I feel so sad for you reading your post, I’m so glad you are happy where you are,I think your reaction is a normal one I’d be in tears too, would it be an option to go over to see her couple of times a year: luckily we have skype etc I too would be very upset if any of my children went to live abroad but I would want them to have the life they wanted, and wouldn’t show I was devastated in front of them

One more thing I forgot to mention..from going out to Melbourne and visiting regularly we have made friends there with our daughter’s friend’s parents and her friends. We also look forward to seeing them while we’re there. It’s opened up our life quite a lot.

A good friend said to me “you need your children much more than they need you”
It’s heartbreaking but true.

My DD went out to Australia to work for a year but after about 9 months decided to stay indefinitely and got sponsored to stay by her employer.
My heart sank, but I am happy that she is so happy there and although she sometimes gets homesick she loves Australia.
I was going to emigrate there myself in 1975 had everything sorted but my then husband changed his mind because of the pressure applied by his father who kept crying and begging us to stay.
We split up about a year later (he went off with a girl he worked with) so who knows if it was the right thing to do.
I speak to my daughter all the time on WhatsApp and will be spending 3 weeks in Australia with her at Christmas (so excited) it will have been a over 2 years since I have seen her.

I used to worry about this scenario a lot , as my son in law lived in New Zealand for three years and absolutely loved it. Since my grandchildren were born I’ve been dreading the thought that the family would up and go! But luckily my daughter is a home bird and never liked the idea, although he can be very persuasive. He’s still a bit of a bohemian in dress and life style, and I’m sure would rather be there instead of here. I can understand the draw of a seaside/ beach lifestyle. But now the couple have split up and are living separate lives except in respect of the children.... they have them week-on , week -off arrangement. I think he will remain put while the kids finish school and then He’ll be off! I love him and will miss him, but at least my daughter will be living in England. I relate this because I feel for you..... but sometimes these plans never happen.... they can just be dreams! you sound like you have a wonderful place to live and a lively set of friends... don’t cross the bridges before they’re in front of you.

My son went to Australia 20 years ago and stayed. He now has Australian citizenship. He has been back for holidays several times, and we go over there when I can face the long plane trip. He now has a lovely partner and a beautiful baby son - and they are moving back here! They say they want their son to grow up knowing his family. They probably won’t stay for ever but we are thrilled that we will have a few years of their company and watching the little boy grow up. So don’t despair, you never know how things will pan out.

I brought my two girls up on my own from ages 3 and 5. We were always the '3 Musketeers', and they were my whole life. Then came Uni and they both did well, moved to London, got good jobs and partners.
I was empty inside for ages as I couldn't see them as often as I wanted. The main thing that I found helped a lot was having lots of photos around and Skype/telephoning every week.
They have their own lives to lead now and the hardest thing for me was realising I was no longer the centre of their lives and having to step back and hold my tongue until I was invited to give my opinion. But now, 2 grandchildren later, I see them 3 or 4 times a year and I think that's good as they have confidence enough in me to look after the children while they go away too.
I'm here if they need me and we text all the time. It's fine.

One has to stop thinking of oneself. Let others do what they want to do. Some people do not even have a dog, cat or WI!

Maybe she will make a better life for herself over there,Britain is not in the best state at the moment.
You will of course miss not seeing her as often and that will be so hard.She could be putting on a brave face for you too so maybe you can both have a good cry together.
I awake the flack for saying this.

Gone girl
No flack from me, I would be just like you.

My daughter went to live in the US 8 years ago and her parting words were 'don't worry mum, I'll be home in a year and I won't marry an American!" - guess what - I have a lovely American son-in-law and a beautiful American granddaughter. I am so proud of my daughter's independence and fearlessness. She has a lovely life there and I would never encourage her to change her lifestyle for me even though I miss her everyday. It's very difficult.
Negatives - California is horrendously expensive, particularly LA and San Francisco so please look into this very carefully. I don't know how you are going to get healthcare as I am not sure how this works. As for residency, it will take your daughter a few years to get residency if she has gone on a green card with her job, and another few years to get residency for you so don't expect things to happen overnight. Esta,- the visa waiver, only allow you to stay for 3 months and the US embassy site is a nightmare to navigate. Positives - who wouldn't want to live in the Californian sun permanently - it's beautiful there, the coastline is magnificent and the people friendly. Let me know how it goes - I would love to hear updates.

I haven't been in your situation, but I really feel for you.

This has come as a shock and you are reacting to the shock.

Try to be proud: you brought your daughter up to be independent and have obviously succeeded. Like all mothers you wanted the best for her.

Right now, she and her partner feel the best thing is this move.

You know you will miss them, they will miss you too, but that probably hasn't struck them yet.

It is all right to be weepy right now, but try to find a way forward in your changed circumstances.

Don't promise to move - moving to a completely new country is difficult at any age, but IMO gets harder the older we get. Could you really afford to live in the USA? Do you want to? You may be able to take your pension with you, I don't know, but you would find yourself paying for various forms of health care etc.

Try to find a new hobby so you have something to fill the hours where you feel really blue.

Remember that Skype etc exists. If you are not confident about using modern technology, enrol in an evening class and learn all about it, and hopefully meet some new friends, some of whom are in the exact same situation as you are.

Your daughter has said the move might be permanent, so they might decide to come back home again.

Cotswoldlass........ everyone has said the same but wanted to add, love to give you a hug. You’ve done an amazing job with your daughter and she will know this and love you to bits for this. Going through this for a few years now myself well my only child daughter lives three hours away not the same but when the traffic is bad it’s five hour drive to see her. I miss her terribly and always will. One thing I learned was to always be there for her and she rings me twice a day after three years but I’d feel just the same as you. Don’t want to go on though

By going on I mean about me lol, didn’t read back correct

Gonegirl
You don't need to feel sorry for me.I see myself fortunate where my children who live the other side of the world are concerned. Hardly a day passes, and through technology, when they or myself are not able to (not do not want to) see or speak to each other .
Through GN we see many although having family living almost on the doorstep are from some dispute not on speaking terms, or allowed to see their grandchildren and visiting out of the question.So are we long distance grans that unfortunate.?

I understand how you feel. My daughter and grandkids live in the USA and we haven't seen them for 5 years. (Visits aren't easy for everyone, often for financial and/or health reasons.) We do speak regularly on Facetime and I know their life is good, which is a comfort.

But from the point of view of those left behind... You are grieving. In private, let yourself howl. Cry as much as you need to. Get it out of your system. You can't keep a stiff upper lip all the time. When you are alone, grieve as much as you want and need to.

It does get better in time. The sense of loss does not disappear completely but it gets bearable. Hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug!

I didn't know I did feel sorry for you sarahellenwhitney. Don't think I've read your post.

Mind you, as one who absolutely hates video chats.....

Whenever I see an unhelpful or self-centered post I look up to see who's made it and nine times out of ten it's from a certain person who should definitely be ignored. However it's great to see the loving and supportive comments and advice from so many others who are in a similar position to the OP and wonderful to note how much their distant sons or daughters want to keep in touch and visit, whereas some people can live around the corner from family and never see them.

Hang in there Cotswoldlass and keep your sights on all the positives the future will hold. And if you feel it all becoming overwhelming you can always vent on GN again and know 99% of people here will help you get back on an even keel.

Whenever I see an unhelpful or self-centered post I look up to see who's made it and nine times out of ten it's from a certain person who should definitely be ignored

What a silly post.

I had three children in two and a half years. They all went off to uni, one at a time, and when the youngest one went it was a bit difficult to begin with, but I had a fabulous career and my husband and I had some great holidays.
My daughter always wanted to work abroad, I always told my kids the world was their oyster, don’t get married too young, embrace your youth and freedom, so my daughter did just that. She is soon to be 40 and has lived abroad, in four different countries since she was 24. She comes home at Xmas and always for a couple of weeks in the summer.
My eldest boy is married and lives in Scotland, Edinburgh. We live in the South of England, but we see him also twice a year.
My youngest lived abroad for five years then came home when he and his wife were expecting their first child. We adore having them close by, but....and it’s an interesting but....I realised our choices are really limited because they live locally. I have always been a very happy and keen European, I am not happy to have my freedom of movement removed so would really like to move back to France where we used to live. The dilemma is that my son was probably be very upset that we chose to move away.
We always raised our kids to be very independent, I didnt expect any of them to end up half a mile from where they were brought up!
Children should live their own lives and feel they can live anywhere, I left home at 18 and never lived closer than a three hour drive from my folks. Maybe it’s how you are brought up, I’ve never felt the need to live close to parents or children. Modern life means families are seldom living nearby unlike 50 years ago. But technology is so brilliant, FaceTime, Skype... all keep us in close contact.