Affair

Missadventure
I do crave those things, and romance/seduction. I've been telling him but I don't think he can bring himself to being romantic because of the depression. He just eats, works and sleeps, poor thing. He doesn't see it as depression, just says he's "flat" and "existing"

Bluebell what do you mean? Please explain.

Lisagran
It's because of the 'now' that I say this, the 'now' has been going on for about a year. I don't know exactly how to support him. And it's not a relationship I know how to be in. He says he'll go to couples counselling but not on his own. I suppose that's a start. But I'll have to arrange it because I've given him the option of making an appt and he's not done it.

Better to find a man your husband doesn't know.

He says he’ll go to couples counselling but not on his own. ?? The idea is you go together and someone hopefully helps you to work through the problems in the relationship, even if that means separating. He’s probably not going to take the initiative if he’s depressed - but he’s said he’ll go. Are there specific reasons for the depression - has he lost his job, become ill, money worries, erectile disfunction? Have you been together a long time? Children?

If fidelity was never your potential lover's strong point, he doesn't sound like a particularly good bet.

If you want to leave your husband, perhaps think about the pros and cons of doing that but I'd think carefully about going off with someone who has a poor track record.

I think he's turning into his dad, who's very much like that. Maybe age related. Yes we've been together for a very long time. He says I've changed and I have but I can't be a twenty something for my whole life.

Tangerine, I would say the same thing to someone else. I do know he doesn't sound a good bet. I know in my heart, it's not a good situation.

I guess because he's said he's always fancied me, it was an attractive proposition.

If fidelity has never been the 'potential' mans strong point, then he must have had lots of practice!

That could be a good thing, depending on what you're actually expecting out of an affair.

I wouldn't bank on anything other than Mr Fling getting his needs met.

He has no need for anything more if he has a partner.

So if his needs are met and so are mine, yes he's experienced ? is there anything wrong with it?

As he is willing to go to counselling, I would say he is trying to meet you halfway. Also a visit to the GP would be helpful - a very low dose of antidepressant for a few months may make all the difference as your partner is managing to get up and go to work, which is good. If he needed medication for a physical problem and would take it, then why not for a probably temporary depression problem. Perhaps a blood test to check the basics would help too. Are you GIVING him affection or have you given up? Perhaps do some small thins to please and kick start better times - a walk after dinner instead of TV, a cup of tea in bed in the morning etc. Good luck because I think your heart is not in a possible affair simply because you are procrastinating and asking us.

Well now..

You would probably be better off trying to fix your relationship, maybe?

You could find that you end up with a depressed man at home and then feel rather used yourself.

You may get found out, then what?

Other than that... its for you to decide.

Oops by “he” I mean your DH not Mr Fling!

I'm going to try more affection, remind myself that he could be me and I would feel let down if he had an affair. But I've got to put a time limit on it or I'll go mad. He won't go to the gp alone or with me. I'm going to try couples counselling. It's been helpful to hear everyone's advice. Thank you x

Looking for greener grass? You may not find it in a quick fling.
If your DH is depressed he's unwell. Don't you owe it to him to support him through this phase in his life?
What's the worst that could happen if you had an affair? - you could lose your current lifestyle and home as well as possibly the respect of your extended family. It's a lot to risk for a quickie.

Yes, I think your man needs support to get some help, because its not just him who is affected.

He can't expect that things will just limp along as they are indefinitely.

On one hand, you could look at it that you should be there for your husband, no matter what, and that having an affair is wrong and not to be considered.

On the other, you could look at it that you have one life, have spent x years feeling unloved, are however far through your life, and have a chance of happiness now.

I don't think that any of us can make that decision for you - it depends on your own outlook, and neither choice will make you a bad person.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness. Life's too short to spend it unhappy.

Thank you doodle

Joyfulnanna

Im guessing your staying in the relationship with your husband due to history, the years you have shared together and the security that this brings.
Im also guessing this also brings financial security along with a home.
I know this is in itself is difficult to contemplate giving up.
The man in question I don't believe would show you the affection/love that you need. If this is something you want to do then please do not choose him, go out and live a little, find a friendship group, join social evenings for singles (maybe) but don't sell yourself short.
I believe a woman sees to feel a mans love for her and you
cannot feel this from your partner due to his health needs, and the love has disappeared or disintegrated, which is very sad.
I also believe life is for living and you are stuck in a situation that prevents you from doing this.
Start living and do it now as life is never guaranteed even tho we often feel we are immortal, go out and get your life back and if you chose to move on from there you will be in a much better place to make informed decisions of whether you go with another man or not.... I hope this helps you on your journey x

Val. Profound..made me really think. Unhappiness is easy to get used to and being stuck in this situation means I stay as I do. Living a little sounds wonderful, I've got more to give than sex to some man who makes me feel wanted

If you have an affair with your friend it's likely you will develope feelings for him. This will upset the relationship between your 2 families. It's unlikely he will leave his wife.

Sounds very selfish to me,all me me me and no thoughts for the husband who has before his depression affected him probably loved and supported you for years buts thats just my personal opinion.

Two wrongs will never make a right Joyful , if you are living a life you are unhappy with then fix it. One supposes you did love your husband once , so do him the courtesy of telling him , and then leave if nothing changes. Get divorced and then - and only then- think about finding a new partner.

Knowing how unhappy you are - why would you choose another man who is taken and impose that pain on another woman? Find yourself a new , unattached man .

Joyful I would advise against having an affair with a man you know, especially if he is “experienced” and is still with his wife.
You are attracted to him because you know him and regard him as “safe”, you might have a quickie, feel guilty and not see him again. On the other hand you might fall for him and get rejected, as his previous dalliances. You should go together with your husband to relationship counseling and if it does not improve divorce him and find yourself a single man.

I lost my wife a while ago and my new partner was exactly in your situation, no affection for many years so divorced her husband. Because we knew each others background previously they was no trust barrier and it has been easy to get the relationship going.

Best of luck